gf started/is starting to smoke socially

[Barrister]

OP,

I think you may be overreacting over two cigarettes. When I was in law school I had a buddy of mine who if we went out with him he ALWAYS offered (even insisted) that we smoke a cigarette with him during a break in bar crawls. So naturally, even though I am not a smoker and despise cigarettes, I would have one with him when we would go out. Likely happened maybe once every 2-3 months. I don't think your GF having two cigs after being offered by her friends is something to get wound up about.

If you find a pack of them in her purse then it may be time to discuss with her how adverse you are to it and lay down a boundary. Clearly that would mean she is enjoying it and plans to do it on her own. But doing so right now when she has smoked a couple while she is out socially is pretty extreme.

 

[firstbornunicorn]

Exactly. Men out here trying to control women like they're army generals. I set a few boundaries, nothing extreme, but if I feel like I have to manage her like a child she gotta go. Men out here trying to change the woman they're with. I allow freedom, if I have to correct her 24/7 that means we are not compatible, have different morals and want and expect different things. I will simply move on if this is the case, instead of trying to force her to be something she clearly isn't. Managing the **** outof her might work at first, but soon she'll rebel as she will feel smothered, controlled and in turn lose respect for you. Forcing her to be something also demonstrates you have very few options as you need her to be someone else than she originally is, instead of actually going with someone who fits your idea of a good, suitable woman for you. You buy a relationship, not build one.

Pretty much my thinking here. I know two other girls (gym buddies) who health wise are much more like me. Not even vaxxed. However, I do think some building is required with some boundaries but just not too many.

I've even dated a smoker before but she was a smoker when I met her (and also 18 years old and hb9.9) . And it lasted like a month so whatever. Wouldn't have her as a gf.

 

[firstbornunicorn]

OP,

I think you may be overreacting over two cigarettes. When I was in law school I had a buddy of mine who if we went out with him he ALWAYS offered (even insisted) that we smoke a cigarette with him during a break in bar crawls. So naturally, even though I am not a smoker and despise cigarettes, I would have one with him when we would go out. Likely happened maybe once every 2-3 months. I don't think your GF having two cigs after being offered by her friends is something to get wound up about.

If you find a pack of them in her purse then it may be time to discuss with her how adverse you are to it and lay down a boundary. Clearly that would mean she is enjoying it and plans to do it on her own. But doing so right now when she has smoked a couple while she is out socially is pretty extreme.

It's not the smoking. It's saying she would never smoke and then smoking. I will struggle to believe what she says from now on.

 

[Barrister]

It's not the smoking. It's saying she would never smoke and then smoking. I will struggle to believe what she says from now on.

If you have this low a tolerance over something this innocuous you probably shouldn't be in an LTR. And I am not saying that to be judgmental - but she is going to drive you crazy over the long term.

 

[firstbornunicorn]

If you have this low a tolerance over something this innocuous you probably shouldn't be in an LTR. And I am not saying that to be judgmental - but she is going to drive you crazy over the long term.

It's not that innocuous, it's just normalised much like alcohol.

 

[jimwho]

I'd be more concerned with her tidiness integrity or sandwich making artistry. Its my opinion that if you play
Mother Hubbard she may think its cute at first. Then your hb9.9 will bail.

 

[Barrister]

It's not that innocuous, it's just normalised much like alcohol.

She has smoked a cigarette twice. I would classify that as innocuous. But if it bothers you this much, let her know it is unacceptable to you. Just don't be surprised when your hard-line stand has an overall negative reaction.

 

[RickTheToad]

Smoking/tobacco use amongst young adults is rising these days. @firstbornunicorn, you may have to get her on Nicorette or something as she may already be addicted to the nicotine. Disgusting habit by the way. Although, low doses of nicotine can help people with bowl issues and defecation. So, there is some medicinal use.

Lay down the law, and leave if she doesn't adhere to it. Kissing an ashtray cannot be fun. Never dated a b!tch who smoked. Yuck.

 

[firstbornunicorn]

She has smoked a cigarette twice. I would classify that as innocuous. But if it bothers you this much, let her know it is unacceptable to you. Just don't be surprised when your hard-line stand has an overall negative reaction.

It's not about the amount of times or the specifics of what she did, it's doing something she said she'd never do that gets me.

But another thing is I'm 99% sure cigarettes would work as a short term control for her anxiety so the chances of getting addicted are probably high.

 

[Kotaix]

Tell her it's gross (it is) and refuse to kiss her if her breath or clothes smell like cigarettes

 

[Konada]

well I'm not her dad.

Yeah you are not her dad, but like you said, her lifestyle preferences don't align with that group of people, she didn't even want to go out anyway (her choice).

So why tell her to go out if she didn't even want to?

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

I don't want to make rules for her.

How's that working out for you?

 

[devilkingx2]

It's not the smoking. It's saying she would never smoke and then smoking. I will struggle to believe what she says from now on.

The context behind this is important. If she was saying she'd never smoke while not knowing anything about cigarettes, then you should take that with a grain of salt. Like an opinion on a food she has never tried.

If she told you that she has some strong anti-smoking conviction because she's religious or her grandma died of throat cancer or something and then went back on something like that; Then thats when you should be worried.

 

[firstbornunicorn]

Which culture are you from?

I'm not a local but I'm in Norway

 

[Blacksheep]

First time was a few months ago. She mentioned she tried a cigarette for the first time (she's 23) when a friend of hers asked her if she wanted to try outside a club.

Then last night whilst she was out she texted me saying she smoked an entire one by herself.

The same friends are responsible for pressuring her into this.

I don't like it and this is a dealbreaker for me. Since it's literally only been twice, how do I stop it in its tracks right now?

Kind of a coincidence but just yesterday she said she wanted me to be more controlling. I don't like being controlling, but in this case I feel that I have to for a couple reasons, main one being that it's ridiculously unhealthy & I love her too much to let her friends do this to her.

I don't like those friends at all (they are nice people during the day but go a bit too wild when out partying). They do much harder drugs regularly like cocaine, etc. She's gone out with them before but she only accepted the cigarettes recently, I fear that they will keep pushing for harder stuff. I don't want to date someone that smokes & does drugs. Slippery slope thinking, but it's not a wild thought.

What do?

We are the average of people we stay around, and influenced by them. It seems her friends are not good influences... You should be open about it with her. If she can't see it with her own eyes she is blind. Then you should decide if thats what you want as a partner.

I also suggest to be open about that fact you dont like to see her smoking.

You can't control others, but you can control who you allow to walk with you.

It took for me a long time to understand this idea... And everytime I allowed to be with a woman that wasnt aligned with my life values I ended up frustrated.

If she persist on that habit and hang around those kind of people... Evaluate if its worth for you.

 

[Fruitbat]

She’ll think you’re a pvssy because you’re too scared to smoke and take drugs.

anti smoking and anti drugs are the domain of hand wringing mothers.

Risk taking is fun. You can be guaranteed her and her clique think you’re a boring, straight dude and will see you as a wet blanket.

it depends on your age, it’s a bit stupid doing this in your late 30s onwards, but I can attest: people who do coke at parties think the boyfriend who’s anti drugs is a problem. It’s like being in a relationship with your mother.

drugs tend to make you horny so id wager she’s more likely to cheat.

if this just isn’t you,, you need to break up.

 

[firstbornunicorn]

yes but which culture are YOU from. The reason I ask is that you seem like you are trying to conform to the cultural norm of avoiding being controlling but you have an inculcated value system that is more demanding. You are almost treating her like shes your daughter that needs to be managed ("the smoking helps her anxiety") rather than a peer. Not that your desires in this situation are wrong to avoid the risk of drug use, I just see a struggle. Maybe im projecting because I come from a more traditional Christian background, so while I can look the other way on a ton of behavior and chalk it up to the game, the idealism is never fully gone.

I don't have a Christian background at all. Grew up with an alcoholic drug addict/dealer and I think that's why I avoid it now.

I take other kinds of risks and have the scars and broken bones to prove it.

 

[bmp2cpm]

Stop caring about her and just have some fun. You care about her too much.

1) You said she was at the club with her friends. Women generally go to clubs to compete for attention from eligible guys. If I were single and my girlfriend was going to clubs, I would dump her or make her a third tier plate. This club behavior with her friends is an issue bigger than the smoking

2) Back in the 1990s, almost everyone smoked. People smoked everywhere. People even smoked in the halls in college in between classes.

3) If I was single, I would not exclude girls who smoke, if they were hot enough.

Avoid older women that smoke though. There was a 40-year old attractive coworker of mine who smoked all her life and had a horrific sounding smoker’s laugh. Her personality was such that she laughed all the time. The wheezing sound every time she laughed was like chalk scratching a chalkboard. Her lungs were toast at 40. I don’t think she even realized it.

4) Your girlfriend has a bad circle of friends. If you can, replace her circle of friends with yours. If you can’t get rid of her circle of friends, than disengage. She is not worth it.

Good luck!

 

[Murk]

Hot unvaxxed girls are rare, it already limits your options drastically and being vaxxed is a hard no for me.

 

[Murk]

I don't care if they are vaxxed or not, but it became pretty clear during the pandemic that a relationship with a woman that goes along with whatever the authorities tell her to do is a liability we can't afford anymore.

Critical thinking and independence is what I look for in people, not just women. It's gone from covid to Russia, nah leave me out of it.