No, because I'm not representing your suggestion. I'm saying what the knee jerk response is.
I was referring to the knee jerk response within the context of this forum. Outside of it, you would be right.
1. The relationship is on life support because his girlfriend told him she “has doubts” about the relationship. It doesn’t get any clearer than that. A woman who respects and loves a man would never say this kind of thing unless the dam is about to burst.
I don't really agree. Those are just words, and words coming out of a woman's mouth at that, and shouldn't necessarily be taken literally. When a girl I'm dating says things like that around me, I interpret it as "I
feel off, I don't know why, but I think this might be it". Now obviously context matters, and there's definitely times where you want to do all things you've mentioned.
As a counter example, my personal anecdote:
I started dating my current girlfriend back in April. Back in both May and August, on two occasions, she brought up that she had doubts. First time they were about family approving of me, long story short, I got her to elaborate her concerns through communication and we alleviated those concerns, and they weren't brought up again. The second time they were new doubts about something else, similar to OP, she said she
FELT I like I didn't care about her and that maybe things won't work for us. I thought to myself "WTF!? Of course I do, I've done X, Y, and Z". My red-pilled initial response was to agree and amplify. Guess what -- IT WORKED! Albeit temporarily. It got her to chase me, and things were fine for a few days until she brought up that we never addressed her doubts, and that my response actually
gave her more reason to suspect I don't care about her. At this point we communicated each other's perspectives until we understood them, and then uncovered that I am not verbally nor physically that expressive of my affection, and it caused her to
feel that I don't care. I am a pretty affectionate person in relationships but after my last one, I became a bit reserved, which caused this GF to eventually get doubts about how much I really liked her. Through communication we worked out a solution and the issue has not risen again. Our relationship today is stronger than it's ever been and I draw that up to good communication (It helps exponentially that I've never met a girl who was a better communicator than this one).
2. There is certainly over-communication even in a healthy relationship. At the end of the day, words are just that. Words. By employing S&D, giving her space and respecting that she has doubts, he is actually helping her make her decision while at the same time maintaining his own control. She then can see if this is something she does want once she has space.
Over-communication
is poor communication, is what I was trying to get at in my previous post. I am just about on the same page for everything else you said here.
I think S&D is great, but it's not always a one size fits all approach with its implementation. I think giving space is critically important in relationships as well, so I don't want my advocation of communication to be confused with smothering someone.
3. Of course none of us are flies on the wall to have heard everything that transpired, but high quality girl or not, if she is at a point where she has communicated to him she has doubts, his only viable play is to withdraw. By remaining and trying to “talk it through” as you suggest, he is completely at her mercy at this point. Not in a good position. Time to act and show he is the man.
He may not maintain this relationship. That’s just a fact. But he can maintain his dignity and self-respect as well as her respect for him if he lets her have space at least temporarily.
This is where I'm stuck.
She communicated to him she has doubts about his commitment, but you think the only viable play is to withdraw?
Now while he shouldn't feel obligated to mitigate every doubt that comes up (and that would be another issue), in this particular scenario withdrawing from her will only give credibility to her doubts, even if in the short-term it makes her chase him.
Yes, he is "the man", but he is also her partner. I don't see the connection communication has with being at someone's mercy. Perhaps we are defining
effective communication differently, but if a guy feels at a girl's mercy when attempting to communicate, I think that guy is with the wrong girl and needs to get out of that relationship.
Now despite everything I've said in my last few posts, if his girlfriend has a tendency to nitpick, and continuously finds new things to have "doubts" over, then yeah, I would apply S&D in a heartbeat. In fact, I would dip out of that relationship, because incessant nitpicking is
always a bad sign in one away or another. However, if this is an isolated or rare incident, I standby what I've already said in my first post regarding
effective communication.
