GF says she has doubts

[TheProspect]

Communication is important in a healthy relationship no doubt. This one, however, is on life support.

The only information provided is in the OP, correct? If so, what indicates this relationship is on life support?

Over-communicating here is only going to drive her further away. They likely have talked it to death already.

There is no such thing as over-communicating. There is poor communication, and then there is effective communication.

OP doesn't even know specifically what his girlfriend's gripe is. I don't think it's likely that they talked to it death, I think rather it's likely OP got defensive when his girlfriend sent him that text and failed to properly identify what prompted that text from her and why she feels that way because he was too preoccupied with why she shouldn't feel that way.

The only play here is agree and amplify then S&D.

I completely disagree.

Assuming his girlfriend does have doubts about his commitment, how will these game techniques alleviate that?

Agreeing that he's not committed and needs time to think, if he doesn't, will only serve to validate her doubts that he's not committed as true.

Going soft NC through S&D will make him appear distant and uninterested, which again will only prove her doubts as true.

And if they work short-term in piquing her interest, or making her chase, it still doesn't change the fact that his apparent lack of commitment is a problem for her.

I'm going to go against the grain and not assume negative intent by his girlfriend. Instead, I'll grant OP good faith and assume his girlfriend is of higher quality and that she's attempting to communicate with him. A higher quality girl who isn't getting her feelings acknowledged nor able to have a productive dialogue because her partner is unable to communicate effectively, is going to move on quite quickly.

 

[Barrister]

The only information provided is in the OP, correct? If so, what indicates this relationship is on life support?



There is no such thing as over-communicating. There is poor communication, and then there is effective communication.

OP doesn't even know specifically what his girlfriend's gripe is. I don't think it's likely that they talked to it death, I think rather it's likely OP got defensive when his girlfriend sent him that text and failed to properly identify what prompted that text from her and why she feels that way because he was too preoccupied with why she shouldn't feel that way.



I completely disagree.

Assuming his girlfriend does have doubts about his commitment, how will these game techniques alleviate that?

Agreeing that he's not committed and needs time to think, if he doesn't, will only serve to validate her doubts that he's not committed as true.

Going soft NC through S&D will make him appear distant and uninterested, which again will only prove her doubts as true.

And if they work short-term in piquing her interest, or making her chase, it still doesn't change the fact that his apparent lack of commitment is a problem for her.

I'm going to go against the grain and not assume negative intent by his girlfriend. Instead, I'll grant OP good faith and assume his girlfriend is of higher quality and that she's attempting to communicate with him. A higher quality girl who isn't getting her feelings acknowledged nor able to have a productive dialogue because her partner is unable to communicate effectively, is going to move on quite quickly.

Respect your position, but I disagree with just about everything you wrote here.

1. The relationship is on life support because his girlfriend told him she “has doubts” about the relationship. It doesn’t get any clearer than that. A woman who respects and loves a man would never say this kind of thing unless the dam is about to burst.

2. There is certainly over-communication even in a healthy relationship. At the end of the day, words are just that. Words. By employing S&D, giving her space and respecting that she has doubts, he is actually helping her make her decision while at the same time maintaining his own control. She then can see if this is something she does want once she has space.

3. Of course none of us are flies on the wall to have heard everything that transpired, but high quality girl or not, if she is at a point where she has communicated to him she has doubts, his only viable play is to withdraw. By remaining and trying to “talk it through” as you suggest, he is completely at her mercy at this point. Not in a good position. Time to act and show he is the man.

He may not maintain this relationship. That’s just a fact. But he can maintain his dignity and self-respect as well as her respect for him if he lets her have space at least temporarily.

 

[TheProspect]

The knee jerk thing to do is to accommodate your girlfriend and talk out every issue so that she is happy because you don't want her to leave.

That is a misrepresentation of what I was suggesting and you know it.

These aren't knee jerk responses. Yours is a knee-jerk theoretical response. The knee jerk thing to do is to accommodate your girlfriend and talk out every issue so that she is happy because you don't want her to leave. Ours comes from doing exactly what you advised and having a blow up in our face many times over.

The knee jerk responses I am referring to are making two assumptions:

1) Assuming negative intent by the OP's girlfriend.

2) Assuming the OP has been committed enough, and has demonstrated that to his girlfriend in a way that she can feel it.

You eliminate those two assumptions and those knee jerk responses I'm referring to have little to no basis.

Ours comes from doing exactly what you advised and having a blow up in our face many times over.

I advise proper and effective communication. At no point did I advise being an accommodating doormat for your partner because you're afraid she might leave.

If your attempts at communicating have "blown up" in your face many times over, than either your communication skills are ineffective, OR you're dating someone incapable of properly communicating (which admittedly is the majority of people in the dating scene these days).

 

[TheProspect]

No, because I'm not representing your suggestion. I'm saying what the knee jerk response is.

I was referring to the knee jerk response within the context of this forum. Outside of it, you would be right.

1. The relationship is on life support because his girlfriend told him she “has doubts” about the relationship. It doesn’t get any clearer than that. A woman who respects and loves a man would never say this kind of thing unless the dam is about to burst.

I don't really agree. Those are just words, and words coming out of a woman's mouth at that, and shouldn't necessarily be taken literally. When a girl I'm dating says things like that around me, I interpret it as "I feel off, I don't know why, but I think this might be it". Now obviously context matters, and there's definitely times where you want to do all things you've mentioned.

As a counter example, my personal anecdote:
I started dating my current girlfriend back in April. Back in both May and August, on two occasions, she brought up that she had doubts. First time they were about family approving of me, long story short, I got her to elaborate her concerns through communication and we alleviated those concerns, and they weren't brought up again. The second time they were new doubts about something else, similar to OP, she said she FELT I like I didn't care about her and that maybe things won't work for us. I thought to myself "WTF!? Of course I do, I've done X, Y, and Z". My red-pilled initial response was to agree and amplify. Guess what -- IT WORKED! Albeit temporarily. It got her to chase me, and things were fine for a few days until she brought up that we never addressed her doubts, and that my response actually gave her more reason to suspect I don't care about her. At this point we communicated each other's perspectives until we understood them, and then uncovered that I am not verbally nor physically that expressive of my affection, and it caused her to feel that I don't care. I am a pretty affectionate person in relationships but after my last one, I became a bit reserved, which caused this GF to eventually get doubts about how much I really liked her. Through communication we worked out a solution and the issue has not risen again. Our relationship today is stronger than it's ever been and I draw that up to good communication (It helps exponentially that I've never met a girl who was a better communicator than this one).

2. There is certainly over-communication even in a healthy relationship. At the end of the day, words are just that. Words. By employing S&D, giving her space and respecting that she has doubts, he is actually helping her make her decision while at the same time maintaining his own control. She then can see if this is something she does want once she has space.

Over-communication is poor communication, is what I was trying to get at in my previous post. I am just about on the same page for everything else you said here.

I think S&D is great, but it's not always a one size fits all approach with its implementation. I think giving space is critically important in relationships as well, so I don't want my advocation of communication to be confused with smothering someone.

3. Of course none of us are flies on the wall to have heard everything that transpired, but high quality girl or not, if she is at a point where she has communicated to him she has doubts, his only viable play is to withdraw. By remaining and trying to “talk it through” as you suggest, he is completely at her mercy at this point. Not in a good position. Time to act and show he is the man.

He may not maintain this relationship. That’s just a fact. But he can maintain his dignity and self-respect as well as her respect for him if he lets her have space at least temporarily.

This is where I'm stuck.

She communicated to him she has doubts about his commitment, but you think the only viable play is to withdraw?

Now while he shouldn't feel obligated to mitigate every doubt that comes up (and that would be another issue), in this particular scenario withdrawing from her will only give credibility to her doubts, even if in the short-term it makes her chase him.

Yes, he is "the man", but he is also her partner. I don't see the connection communication has with being at someone's mercy. Perhaps we are defining effective communication differently, but if a guy feels at a girl's mercy when attempting to communicate, I think that guy is with the wrong girl and needs to get out of that relationship.


Now despite everything I've said in my last few posts, if his girlfriend has a tendency to nitpick, and continuously finds new things to have "doubts" over, then yeah, I would apply S&D in a heartbeat. In fact, I would dip out of that relationship, because incessant nitpicking is always a bad sign in one away or another. However, if this is an isolated or rare incident, I standby what I've already said in my first post regarding effective communication.

 

[mjb3617]

I'd consider the relationship over if she's saying stuff like that. Maybe you did something wrong or maybe you didn't.

From my experience, the relationship won't be the same no matter how you respond. If you're honest, you make yourself vulnerable and she knows you care too much. If you S&D, she'll chase you and attempt to convince you she was "joking" or not serious which you know is BS. They will say that when they realize they screwed up and attempt to gaslight you.

If she respected you and valued you, she wouldn't play that game. Don't tolerate it and break it off. Not worth the hassle.

 

[HoneyHitter]

Answering “Ok” is usually enough.

This is not the kind of thing she should be texting me if we haven’t already talked about it. If she really wants to fix it she would’ve breached the subject in person.

When it does happen like this she’s either bluffing (insecure) or mentally already left the relationship.

 

[dude99]

So my gf texted me basically saying she has doubts about our relationship. Maybe something about that Im not committed enough (which i am, so just bs)
What should I do? I want to keep this relationship

When they pull this BS you say

"Ok. Goodbye."
Then go 100 % no contact. No contact. 100% nothing.

What she is doing is not taking responsibility for the deteriorating of the relationship and in a typical female fashion she is sherking herself of guilt by blaming you.

She had no right to dictate to you how you feel. This is her setting up the brach swing but blaming you. I know you want to save this or fix it but that would just be rewarding bad behaviour.

Agree. Break it off. Go 100% zero contact and start seeing other women

 

[dude99]

Start looking for her replacement

This.

 

[Atom Smasher]

I agree that it’s best first to seek clarification, then decide how to act. If she has a legit fear, perhaps it can be addressed. If it’s game-playing, then agree and disappear for a while.

Clarification and communication are not weakness in a relationship. They are critical to proper assessment of what’s actually going on. But at any hint of manipulation on her part, you need to withdraw in no uncertain terms.

 

[manfrombelow]

OP, if you 100% are sure that you're committed to your relationship, yet your woman still accused you of being uncommitted so she had "doubts" and bla bla bla... then she's only trying to gain dominant power in your relationship. Which means this individual female is toxic and not very suitable for any long term prospect (at least to me).

Therefore, the only correct response should be:

"I'm sorry to hear this, but I am committed, and I know you know I am. But if you still have doubts about this, then you're free to leave anytime. I'm not keeping you."

And go bang other plates.

In almost 90% of the cases, she'll eventually crawl back to you, and become (temporarily) submissive. But deep down, she's resented you for making her submitted, and she'll pull this BS again sooner or later.

 

[manfrombelow]

Love is a power game not a love game.

Exact-fvcking-ly. All this romantic stuff is just an illusion created by Hollywood and literature.

Love is a constant power struggle, that as long as the male is the winner, then everything's good. But if he messes up and become the loser, then his azz gets kicked.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Any time a man hears that a woman has doubts, it's essential to do a preemptive strike. It has been well-articulated in some of the above posts.

Never, ever, EVER be the dumpee. If the handwriting is on the wall, it's time to agree with her and move on. This wishy-washy stuff should never be tolerated. She is thinking herself into sabotaging the relationship. 100%.

 

[mjb3617]

Any time a man hears that a woman has doubts, it's essential to do a preemptive strike. It has been well-articulated in some of the above posts.

Never, ever, EVER be the dumpee. If the handwriting is on the wall, it's time to agree with her and move on. This wishy-washy stuff should never be tolerated. She is thinking herself into sabotaging the relationship. 100%.

Spot on.

When my ex told me she felt she would never be enough for me, I knew it was time to cut bait and run.

When you hear your girl say this kind of stuff you know in your gut it's over. Unless you're completely oblivious and live in a dream world.

OP, pull the plug and walk away. It will only get worse from here on out. She will string it out as long as she can and dump you whenever she feels like she's done with