but on wednesday I was talking to her about buying her dog this halloween costume I thought was funny. I sent her the amazon link and she said he'd be a medium size. I told her I was buying it and everything was fine. Why would she have me buy this for her dog if she was planning on dumping me the very next day? It just doesn't add up. It doesn't make sense. It seems like she woke up thursday morning and suddenly wanted out. I don't get it.
Listening to all your comments in this thread and others you started, it is clear that you really liked her and were investing heavily in her, buying her things, trying to see her all the time, being the one who kept trying to "make things work." From what you've told us, I'm just not seeing that from her side. She simply wasn't that into you. And yes it does add up - it was your idea to buy her the costume, not hers. What is she going to do, say, "Hey, I'm planning on breaking up with you tomorrow so don't bother buying the dog costume?" There was absolutely nothing sudden about her ejection. She has been trying to eject for months but you haven't allowed her to which only further increased her desire to get out.
Anyways, after that talk we agreed to hangout later the same night. But a little later she texted me saying me confronting her freaked her out and that she needed space. I told her we should talk about it in person because she was going on vacation for a week the next day.
That's a perfect example of what I'm talking about, about you being the one to try to patch things up and plead for her to stay with you. Plus, when a girl says she needs space you do NOT try to patch things up; you take MORE space. Your moving toward her while she is pushing you away is exactly the kind of needy, fearful, and low-value behavior I mentioned in my last post.
Amazingly? Are you hearing yourself here? Does this sound like a confident guy with options and success with women, who sees women as equal to him or does it sound like a guy who has put this girl on a pedestal and who is hoping and praying that she will continue to see him and try to work things out? You are in the wrong frame my friend. Women can smell it on you.
I went over and we had a great night and I slept over, then saw her off the next morning. Everything seemed perfect after that--totally back to normal.
No. She said she needed space, you didn't give it to her and instead you smothered her and, through your actions and possibly your words too, you pleaded with her to stay with you. For one of many possible reasons, she didn't want to crush you at that moment in time so she agreed to stay together but inside she knew very well she was over you and wanted out and was trying to figure out how she could do it. Things were not perfect and were not back to normal.
You told me that you're on anti-depressants. They can be great, but they also numb your emotions and make you think/feel differently than you otherwise would. Also, you said you stopped taking your birth control last week. I'm sure you already know this, but birth control messes with your hormones and starting/stopping can change the way you feel. On top of those factors, you just had a traumatic experience with that stalker guy and having this kidney infection. And lastly, I honestly don't think you gave "us" enough time. 3 months isn't even long enough to get over your ex of 2-3 years, let alone catch feelings for someone else. If you would have given us longer you might have caught feelings like I did. I'm not trying to change your mind and I respect your decision even though it crushes me, but I just wanted to make you aware of these things if you aren't already, because they may be influencing your feelings."
Here again, you doing the exact thing: Being the one to try to convince her into being with you. Women don't want to be with men that try to convince them into being together; they want to be with men they see as a prize and who they are lucky to be with. They want to be the one to chase the man who could leave at any moment because he has other options and an enjoyable life and she knows he would be just fine if she left. I don't mean to beat you while you are down but this response is just completely cringe. This girl dumps you and you respond by begging her to stay, giving her all these logical reasons about why she can't make up her own mind and make her own decisions, and tossing your dignity aside by making multiple statements of how strong your emotions are toward her.
This was one of the 2-3 girls EVER in 10-12 years of dating who I felt honest-to-god STRONG chemistry with. It hits even harder because I feel like I might never find this again. I also hate dating and was really happy to be out of that "game".
Fear. Scarcity. Lack of confidence. Lack of options. And personal issues that cause you to develop a once-in-ten-years STRONG chemistry with a girl who just isn't that into you. And beyond that, what was so great about this girl? You haven't really ever shared that - others have asked you that question in your other threads. Be honest with yourself because if you aren't, it's only going to prolong your suffering. I feel like from your responses, you are refusing to really listen to much of the advice you are given because accepting the truth is harder than just sitting there and looking externally for answers rather than internally and accepting that you have work to do and getting started on that. My strong intuition, based on very similar personal experiences I have had in the past, is that the reason you are so hooked on this girl comes down to the following three things alone:
1. Strong physical attraction. You found her to be really physically hot. There are other hot girls out there, my friend.
2. Cat string theory. Many people want what they can't have. We all want high-value. Taking something away makes it higher value.
3. Lack of confidence and self-respect, the degree of which you likely aren't yet aware of and won't be able to comprehend until you are on the other side of it and looking back with perspective. This causes the scarcity mindset you have.
You should enjoy dating. You should know that you will easily find attractive women to date. You should not be craving a relationship, but rather a happy enjoyable life filled with friends, hobbies, and sex. If a relationship evolves out of the sex, great, if not, great.
At this point I WANT her to know that I'm in love with her. And I want her to realize, down the line, IF she ever "comes to her senses" emotionally, that she had a great catch who was in love with her and she threw him back for essentially no reason
Your logic here is flawed. In your current state, you are not a great catch, you have proven this to her, and she threw you away for that exact reason. When she looks back at you, she will remember a nice, but needy, smothering, low-value guy who was clearly punching above his weight and it just took her a while to figure that out and get bored.
She will never be sad. Instead, she will find a high-value guy who makes her wet and who she feels lucky to have caught, who doesn't beg her to stick around and make things work while she mistreats him and doesn't invest in him. Instead, she will be doing most of the investing. And she will look back at you and compare you to him and she will know she made the right decision. If he dumps her, she won't think of you, she will be on to the next high-value man who makes her feel the way the guy who dumped her did. There is a tiny chance that, if dumped, she will come back to you to see if her memory of you is accurate, but after maybe a hook up or two, it will all come flooding back and she will remember why she dumped you, then will go cold on you and leave you with a second bullet hole in your pride and self respect.
It's all even more confusing, because a few weeks ago I sat down with her and told her if she needed/want space, or to see other people, or just to break it off or whatever--she could, and that she should do it right away. But she didn't want to.
That's because your giving her the out was a strong and non-needy behavior, possibly the only time you ever demonstrated this to her, and guess what? It worked didn't it? You should have demonstrated this earlier and often. Walking away from a woman is the most powerful tool you have because it demonstrates you are not needy, you have self-respect and expect to be treated a certain way, and that you aren't willing to invest in someone who doesn't invest in you. When she crossed your boundaries, instead of pulling back, taking space, and withdrawing, you sat with insomnia by the phone hoping and praying she would respond to your text and when you did you rushed to her side to try to patch things up. Brother, this is fear, neediness, clingy, and not what a healthy relationship is about.
