4 months down the f*cking drain. We were texting today and she sent me this:
"Hey.
I have been thinking a lot about us lately, and where our relationship is headed. I'm feeling uncertain about our future, and I don’t think that's a good sign. You're really special and you deserve to be with someone who is ready to give you that relationship you’re looking for.
We are a great match in many ways- you're attractive, funny, and we have fun together. But for whatever reason, I'm not feeling strongly enough about this, and I know at this point in my life that it is important to me to have that strong connection with someone. You deserve real feeling and enthusiasm and for whatever reason I just can't deliver that to you right now. I have been waiting for stronger feelings to come because we seemed compatible, but they just haven’t.
I don't want to be in your way and hold you back from you the life you will be living soon with someone who is ready for that, and knowing that's not me I think it is best to free you up. I really really struggled with this decision because I like you and don't want to hurt you. I didn't make it lightly but I feel sure it's the right thing. I’m really sorry about it. You have been very sweet to me over the past few months. You can call me to talk if you want to. I am writing this to you because I am very selfish and don’t want to see you hurt. If you do need more closure though, I can talk on the phone. I wish you all the best."
I called her after I got this and we talked for a few minutes. She essentially said that she liked me, felt we had chemistry, and blah blah blah, but she was waiting for feelings to come and they never did. She also said she feels "heartless" or like she doesn't have emotions right now.
A few other things to note:
-The biggest thing... We started dating pretty much immediately after her last relationship, which was a 2-3 year relationship
-She's on lexapro (don't know for how long, but probably since before we met)
-She had a kidney infection the past week and stopped taking her birth control last Wednesday, then just got back on it yesterday or something
All bad signs, I know. BUT her and I had ridiculous chemistry in EVERY way and she was quickly becoming like a best friend as well as someone I was falling for, so I thought we were feeling the same (or close) and it would work. I was wrong. Apparently she never had real feelings for me (even though by her words she wanted them), all the while I'm legitimately falling in love with her. We had both agreed multiple times that we had crazy chemistry, which we also both agreed is extremely hard to find. She would also call me her boyfriend in text messages to friends (I know this because she'd text in front of me).
Per the usual post-breakup I feel absolutely horrendous. This totally took me by surprise. I'm shocked, hurting to a point I can't even describe, and I feel like everything I was looking forward to in the near future has totally crumbled. I'm trying not to think about the good times we had, but I can't help it, and whenever I do it breaks me even further. We were supposed to hangout tomorrow, we were going to take a trip to the beach in two weeks (which I made reservations for), and she told me she would be there for me/with me when I moved (moving to a new place in the same area next month). All gone. All of it plus 4 months of time, memories, and me falling in love with her.
This was one of the 2-3 girls EVER in 10-12 years of dating who I felt honest-to-god STRONG chemistry with. It hits even harder because I feel like I might never find this again. I also hate dating and was really happy to be out of that "game".
I sent her this text after:
"Hey I just wanted to say a few things that are on my mind because you said you feel heartless or like you don't have emotions right now. You told me that you're on anti-depressants. They can be great, but they also numb your emotions and make you think/feel differently than you otherwise would. Also, you said you stopped taking your birth control last week. I'm sure you already know this, but birth control messes with your hormones and starting/stopping can change the way you feel. On top of those factors, you just had a traumatic experience with that stalker guy and having this kidney infection. And lastly, I honestly don't think you gave "us" enough time. 3 months isn't even long enough to get over your ex of 2-3 years, let alone catch feelings for someone else. If you would have given us longer you might have caught feelings like I did. I'm not trying to change your mind and I respect your decision even though it crushes me, but I just wanted to make you aware of these things if you aren't already, because they may be influencing your feelings."
It was from a 98% rational perspective. I really am not sure if it's a good thing she's breaking it off now, or if there was a chance she'd have eventually gotten feelings in the future if we kept seeing each other.
It's all even more confusing, because a few weeks ago I sat down with her and told her if she needed/want space, or to see other people, or just to break it off or whatever--she could, and that she should do it right away. But she didn't want to. Then a few weeks later she does this. Just last weekend she also wanted me to spend the night two nights in a row, which we had never done before. This plus a lot of other things made me think we were getting closer and closer, then she drops this bomb on me today.
The best way I can sum up how I'm feeling is... Hopeless. Completely hopeless. I don't even know what to do or where to go now.
