GF is pregnant and she's angry with me

[Blues]

My gf of 6 months got pregnant while she was on the pill. How lucky can we be. we are still deciding what to do with the baby. I told her that i'll be there for her and take responsibility. We are both 28.

The night that we found out she was expecting we had a quarrel. We were talking calmly when she got angry and said that i've shld have used a condom. I was pretty hurt with her remark. I mean how could she just play the blaming game. I told her that if she wants to play the blaming game i got nothing more to say to her and i thought we could discuss it like adults.

The next day she was cold towards me and i told her that if she doesnt have the decency to admit what she said to me was unfair and uncalled for i've got nothing more to say to her.
She said fine and that she has no common decency.

It was a cold war between us and for a few days when she dropped me mail telling me to settle an appointment we made for the weekend myself. I took it as a sign that she was not interested in talking.

Yesterday, she smsed me abt a trip we planned for next week. She said that if i was not interested in going i should at least let her know so tht she can find somone else to go. I didnt reply cos i was busy. Later she send me another sms saying that she admits that its not entirely my fault but she called me a cold heartless bastard for abandoning her when she needed me the most.

i didnt see the point in arguing and told her to meet up to talk it over calmly.

When we met, she didnt even want any physical contact form me. She continued blaming me for leaving her to arrange the medical appts herself, for not caring. I got shouted at basically. I took everything w/o losing my temper and i just felt like **** after that. I knew she was upset and emotional so nothing i said would matter. I just told her that lets just admit we didnt handle the situation calmly and to make things right now.

I tried to make things better but saying that i'm here for her and stuf but it didnt help much. I even apologised. Basically i let her rant and i kept my cool and listened. i told her how long does she still want to behave like this? She said that she's been upset for so long and cant epect things to get back to normal immediatedly.

I'm feeling pretty lost at the moment. I dont want to crawl and beg my way in but leaving her to fend for herself is not being responsible either. i guess she has succeded in making me feel like **** and guilty. And i'm starting to believe that its my fault.

Should i just let her be or contunue to show my care and concern?

 

[Wyldfire]

She's afraid...and she's likely having some mixed emotions about the situation. She's not handling it very well, but that's not really uncommon in a situation like this.

She might be feeling a little resentful because she was the one who was being responsible for birth control, and she feels like she was doing her part by taking the pill. In some ways, she's justified to be upset, because you could have been using condoms as well, and sharing in the responsibility of preventing this from happening.

So right now she's feeling like she did everything she could to prevent a pregnancy, and that she did that all by herself. She also has a very difficult, emotional, confusing and painful decision to make that IS going to change her life forever...regardless of what she decides to do.

If she keeps the baby, her life changes and she doesn't know if you'll stick with her and help her raise the child. If she gets an abortion, she's going to be riddled with guilt and feel like a baby killer for the rest of her life. Everytime she sees a baby or a pregnant woman, it's going to f*ck her up. If she has it and gives it up, she'll still have those same feelings but will feel like she abandoned her baby instead of killed it.

You need to buck it up and be a man right now. Yes, she's going to be difficult to deal with and an emotional wreck, grouchy, and she's likely to lash out at you. Try not to take it personally...and think about all the feelings I just described to you. If you really want to be there for her...you need to explain to her that you understand that she's probably having all the feelings I mentioned. Do NOT pressure her to have an abortion. If that's what she wants to do, then talk to her and remind her of how that is likely to affect her afterwards to make sure it's what she really wants and that she is prepared to deal with those feelings. If she decides to have the baby, then be there for her and be the best father you can be...whether you stay together or not.

 

[LuvMyArmyMan]

Imagine how she must feel! To find out you're pregnant is the scariest thing a woman can find out (of course STDs are up there too) if she's not married.

She's just trying to figure out whats going on right now. Just be there for her and try to offer as much love and affection as you can. Be there at apointments with her. and support her.

Dont think its your fault, and it isnt her fault either. Her birth control failed her. Dont take the blame. Just try to be there as much as you can, even if it seems she doesnt want you there. Tell her you're in it together, as its your baby too.

 

[Giovanni Casanova]

Dude... if I was a betting man...

People get pregnant while on birth control... I mean, it happens. No one -- particularly me -- would ever claim otherwise. HOWEVER...

I think your girlfriend f*cked up her birth control. I think she forgot to take it the way she was supposed to. I don't think she did it intentionally, but let's face it... sometimes it's not easy to remember to take your medications, even when you've got a grueling sickness to remind you.

The behaviors your girlfriend is exhibiting sound like a fascinating mixture of hormones and psychological projection. She feels guilty because she screwed up the birth control. She projects those guilty feelings onto you, and subconsciously rationalizes it by saying that you should have been responsible for the birth control too. In all probability, she doesn't even fully realize that the anger and hostility she is directing at you is actually how she feels toward herself right now.

For both your sakes, you must impress upon her that the things which are done are done and that it is impossible for either you o her to go back and change things. Should've... would've... could've... they're all irrelevant now. The only relevant thing is what you will do from this point forward.

 

[diplomatic_lie]

Once upon a time a handsome young man called Jack fell in love with a beautiful young women name Anne.

Jack and Anne spent blissful days together, but unfortunately one day they had an argument. Anne called Jack a small-d*ck loser and Jack called her a small-t*t hoe.

They became cold to each other. Both of them were too proud to apologise, and eventually Jack moved away 10 billion miles.

To the day they died they both held regrets that they didn't apologise to each other, but it was too late. Eventually Anne tried to find Jack again, but she never did.

 

[Desdinova]

Don't focus on what could have been prevented, focus on the situation at hand. She is pregnant NOW. You can't turn back time and prevent it from happening.

Perhaps that's the way you should handle it with her. Tell her that it doesn't matter now that you should've worn a condom. What's done is done and work with her to figure out what to do about the baby on it's way. She's gonna be emotionally fvcked while she's pregnant. Have some patience with her.

 

[Giovanni Casanova]

diplomatic lie, I want some of whatever it is that you're smoking.

 

[NewMan]

It is not your fault. Don't go down that road of self destruction.

This chick is treating you like a b#tch.

I'd tell her that you'd like to be part fo this whole process. That you'd like to be involvd with her and the decisions she will make - and the future should there be one.

But - you also have self respect. You don't want to be treated like a b#tch. So until she can treat you with the respect you deserve - tell her that she should only call you should she need something. Help making an appointment - help getting there - financial asssitence - you get the picture.


Just because she is pregenant - that not an excuse to treat you like sh#t.

If you put up with it now - it will set the tone for your future. Once you've been walked all over the first time - there will always be a second.

 

[Glenfiddich101]

Originally posted by NewMan
It is not your fault. Don't go down that road of self destruction.

This chick is treating you like a b#tch.

I'd tell her that you'd like to be part fo this whole process. That you'd like to be involvd with her and the decisions she will make - and the future should there be one.

But - you also have self respect. You don't want to be treated like a b#tch. So until she can treat you with the respect you deserve - tell her that she should only call you should she need something. Help making an appointment - help getting there - financial asssitence - you get the picture.


Just because she is pregenant - that not an excuse to treat you like sh#t.

If you put up with it now - it will set the tone for your future. Once you've been walked all over the first time - there will always be a second.

I think NEWman is right as well. He's telling you how to keep yr insanity. My ex got pregnant as well and she wanted to abort the baby. we were there for each other for strength and support. No denying that tempers were thin but we made sure to have the bigger picture in mind.

Do what you can but ultimately if she still wants to behave like some spoilt brat, tell her you had enough and wash yr hands off it.

Its cruel i know, but it takes 2 hands to clap.

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by Giovanni Casanova
Dude... if I was a betting man...

People get pregnant while on birth control... I mean, it happens. No one -- particularly me -- would ever claim otherwise. HOWEVER...

I think your girlfriend f*cked up her birth control. I think she forgot to take it the way she was supposed to. I don't think she did it intentionally, but let's face it... sometimes it's not easy to remember to take your medications, even when you've got a grueling sickness to remind you.

The behaviors your girlfriend is exhibiting sound like a fascinating mixture of hormones and psychological projection. She feels guilty because she screwed up the birth control. She projects those guilty feelings onto you, and subconsciously rationalizes it by saying that you should have been responsible for the birth control too. In all probability, she doesn't even fully realize that the anger and hostility she is directing at you is actually how she feels toward herself right now.

For both your sakes, you must impress upon her that the things which are done are done and that it is impossible for either you o her to go back and change things. Should've... would've... could've... they're all irrelevant now. The only relevant thing is what you will do from this point forward.

That's probably not it, Gio. Just getting pregnant is enough to cause her behavior. And honestly, screwing up on your pills from time to time doesn't usually lead to pregnancy. A woman is most likely to get pregnant for 2 days a month...somewhere between the 12th and 15th day after she STARTS her period. Let this be a lesson to others here...keep track and wear a condom during that time frame even if she's on birth control. Sometimes it doesn't work. Just based on how upset she is over being pregnant in the first place would lead me to believe that she's probably good about taking her pills. She clearly didn't want this to happen and she wouldn't be careless with the pills unless she didn't really mind if she got pregnant. It doesn't sound like it's a case of forgetting to take them. It's fear.

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by NewMan
It is not your fault. Don't go down that road of self destruction.

This chick is treating you like a b#tch.

I'd tell her that you'd like to be part fo this whole process. That you'd like to be involvd with her and the decisions she will make - and the future should there be one.

But - you also have self respect. You don't want to be treated like a b#tch. So until she can treat you with the respect you deserve - tell her that she should only call you should she need something. Help making an appointment - help getting there - financial asssitence - you get the picture.


Just because she is pregenant - that not an excuse to treat you like sh#t.

If you put up with it now - it will set the tone for your future. Once you've been walked all over the first time - there will always be a second.

Usual advice doesn't apply in this situation. He played an equal part in creating this situation and he needs to play an equal part in dealing with it. If he isn't patient and tolerant there won't be any future for them and if she keeps the baby he's going to have a bitter, angry, hurt and resentful mother of his child to deal with for 18 years.

He has no choice. She's terrified and at her worst right now. If he is able to show her that he truly understands the feelings she's going through things should improve.

 

[Desdinova]

Again, the issue at hand is NOT that they fvcked up on their birth control, the issue is her incredibly expanding belly.

She's trying to find someone to blame in this situation, but blame isn't going to make the baby go away. When she does this, he should steer the conversation in the correct direction: what to do about the baby.

Women never like to stay on topic, and they love to shift blame. Don't let her do the steering, or your relationship is going to crash. Take control of the wheel and deal with the road you're already on.

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by Giovanni Casanova
It's fear, it's hormones, it's a lot of things. But this chick's reaction to him after finding out and the specific blame that she's putting on him screams projection.

Without knowing her or all the specific relevant information it's impossible for me to psychoanalyze this chick, but I'd put $100 that this girl is acting this way because she feels guilty about something, and probably not just the pregnancy itself. The most logical reason for that guilt is that she screwed up the birth control or thinks she did (which explains why that's what she's yelling at HIM about). She is attempting to make HIM the guilty party to take her mind off the guilt that she herself is feeling.

The best way to deal with this then is to recognize that the anger she is showing toward him is actually anger that she feels toward herself. Apologizing and accepting blame will not make the problem better, it will only make it worse (as her subconscious will see his apologies as an acknowledgement that he -- and therefore she -- is truly guilty). The way to defuse this situation, then, is to calmly move on and not give any credence to any attempts to make him feel guilty over this. Approach accusations of his "guilt" the same way he would approach the situation if someone accused her of being guilty for getting pregnant... because in her mind that is truly how it is playing out. He cannot be down on himself about how supposedly "guilty" he is because it WILL have adverse affects.

Gio, don't even waste your time trying to analyze a woman who has discovered she is pregnant and wasn't planning to be. The pregnancy itself brings about hormonal changes that cause mood swings, emotional reactions and the like. Combine that with fear, being unmarried, only having a short period of time to make such a huge decision...it's not pleasant.

And how do you know that his initial reaction to finding out wasn't bad? It usually is...because it's scary for a guy, too. For all you or I know he may have implied that he thought she got pregnant on purpose...which would also cause her to be angry with him and feel insulted and tell him he should have used a condom.

Bottom line...each of us are responsible for our own birth control measures. It's dumb to rely on the other person to handle it because that's putting our future lives in the hands of someone else.

I think there's more to this story than we're being told and you shouldn't assume that she's projecting, because that's probably not the case. In this kind of situation a woman has far more to think and worry about than transferring blame or guilt.

 

[00Kevin]

I would tell her to shut up and to only blame herself. When she took some responsibility for it would be there for her. But if all she did was blame me I would f-ck off and leave her. I'd be there for the kid but that would be it for her

 

[seabreeze]

I wholeheartedly agree that she is behaving this way because of hormones. However, you should never accept disrespect from her. NewMan is absolutely right. She's hormonal, but she can still get her head on straight and stop acting so immature. It sounds like she's not ready for motherhood, which is understandable, but is this how she's going to behave even after the child is born. I think there some other things going on like Gio said. I would tell her to call if she needs you but you will NOT tolerate her immature tirades. 28 years old is too old for that sort of crap, regardless of hormones.

Good luck, Blues!
SB
P.S. I've been pregnant four times, so I do understand about hormonal changes.

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by Desdinova
Again, the issue at hand is NOT that they fvcked up on their birth control, the issue is her incredibly expanding belly.

She's trying to find someone to blame in this situation, but blame isn't going to make the baby go away. When she does this, he should steer the conversation in the correct direction: what to do about the baby.

Women never like to stay on topic, and they love to shift blame. Don't let her do the steering, or your relationship is going to crash. Take control of the wheel and deal with the road you're already on.

I'm really curious about what his first response was when she told him she was pregnant. I think that's the key to her behavior right now. It's scary for a guy to find out he's gotten a woman pregnant, and what makes that even harder is that he has absolutely no control over what she does about the pregnancy. I've yet to ever know of a guy in this situation whose initial reaction was supportive and calm. If he were supportive right from the start, she wouldn't likely be so angry, because her natural instincts right now are to turn to him for support and comfort...even throughout all of the emotional upheaval.

He hasn't said enough about how he reacted. I wish he'd post what that was because then I can probably tell him exactly what he should do and say to smooth things over.

As someone who had a very similar situation 5 years ago, I can tell you that typical "DJ" advice is not going to help him with this one. There's too much at stake to play games and punish her for her behavior right now. She can't even help it...it's hormones, fear and I strongly suspect that he said something that hurt her, probably unintentionally, though.

If she has this baby, he is going to have to deal with her for essentially the rest of his life, whether they stay together or not. How he behaves will determine how easy or difficult she will be to deal with from now on. He doesn't have to be a total wimp, but he can't be playing games or any of that stuff. He's gotta be 100% real on this one...period.

 

[Giovanni Casanova]

I know enough about women to know that women are not logical. However, based on all of the things that the original poster has said, I am increasingly convinced that this girl is projecting guilt and blame onto him because of her own feelings of guilt and blame. There is a difference between that and just being hormonal and frightened.

And if in fact she is projecting, then he cannot handle the situation in conventional ways. If he does, then (seemingly illogically) his relationship with this girl will all fall apart. If this girl is projecting, then he cannot simply placate her the way you would with an illogically pissed off hormonal pregnant woman. He cannot just accept the blame. She is projecting herself onto him. If he accepts blame, he will be telling her subconscious that she is truly to "blame" for this, and that her guilty feelings are justified. She will then resent him.

Ideally, he will get her to a "what's done is done" mentality where blame doesn't matter. But if nothing else, he must resist the natural tendency to accept a measure of blame/guilt in an effort to appease and placate this girl.

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by 00Kevin
I would tell her to shut up and to only blame herself. When she took some responsibility for it would be there for her. But if all she did was blame me I would f-ck off and leave her. I'd be there for the kid but that would be it for her

If you did that she probably wouldn't let you see the child and would utilize the courts to collect the maximum amount of child support, too.

He CAN'T be like that or he will end up paying for it for the rest of his life if she has the baby. He needs to think in the long term here.

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by Giovanni Casanova
I know enough about women to know that women are not logical. However, based on all of the things that the original poster has said, I am increasingly convinced that this girl is projecting guilt and blame onto him because of her own feelings of guilt and blame. There is a difference between that and just being hormonal and frightened.

And if in fact she is projecting, then he cannot handle the situation in conventional ways. If he does, then (seemingly illogically) his relationship with this girl will all fall apart. If this girl is projecting, then he cannot simply placate her the way you would with an illogically pissed off hormonal pregnant woman. He cannot just accept the blame. She is projecting herself onto him. If he accepts blame, he will be telling her subconscious that she is truly to "blame" for this, and that her guilty feelings are justified. She will then resent him.

Ideally, he will get her to a "what's done is done" mentality where blame doesn't matter. But if nothing else, he must resist the natural tendency to accept a measure of blame/guilt in an effort to appease and placate this girl.

I never said he should accept blame, Gio...but bottom line...he didn't tell us what he said to her before she got angry. If, in fact, his first response was to tell her he would support her and be there for her and that's ALL he said...she would not have gotten angry. There is important information missing in this story...and I strongly suspect that he made some comment that she took as him thinking she got pregnant on purpose. That would explain the condom comment.

 

[Ice Cold]

Originally posted by Blues
The night that we found out she was expecting we had a quarrel. We were talking calmly when she got angry and said that i've shld have used a condom. I was pretty hurt with her remark. I mean how could she just play the blaming game. I told her that if she wants to play the blaming game i got nothing more to say to her and i thought we could discuss it like adults.

That's where you screwed up man. She's fukkin right.

The pill by itself is not reliable. You should've used a condom.

She panicked and you instead of calming her down say that "you have nothing more to say to her" and basically want her out of your life? Huh? Huh?

I bet that fn hurt for her. Imagine her saying something like that to you.