GF had sex with ex and met him again afterwards

[Red48]

I've been together with my girlfriend for over a year now. We first met on January 1 at work (same office) and spent quite some time together among friends. Pretty soon we were in the talking phase and then we both felt, that there was more than just talking. We wanted to date around february 26, but i was sick. So the talking went on and we fixed another date for March 11. After that, everything happened fairly quickly and we were officially together on March 18. 

March 25 she told me that she didn't go on a skiing trip on March 23  with a female friend (like she told me) - she went there with her ex. She said, they planned it long before and that she told him on this trip, that she wanted to be with me.

Three month into our relationship i found out the following: she slept with her ex on March first (she told me). that was before we "officially' dated, but after we fixed our date and clearly after she had feelings for me (thats what she told me). Bottomline is, that she had sex with him just two weeks before we were together, and well after we were getting close. I'm having still trouble to accept that. We talked about it, but she didnt seem to really understand the issues i have with what she did. she said it was "just sexual". I'm often thinking that maybe she got turned down by her ex on the "skiing trip" and only then chose to have me as a boyfriend (as kind of a backup), but maybe I'm totally wrong.

Half a year in to our relationship she got a "happy birthday" message from her ex. she smiled and said to me: "Look, he still likes me." At that time i lost it. she went crying and told me i was unfair.Am i totally wrong having concerns about her behaviour? Should i tell her, that i sometimes feel, that i was only  second choice after her ex?Thanks for your opinions.

 

[MrNiceGuy23]

This is a tricky situation you find yourself in.

I'll start with the sex part, as far as you know, she had sex with him on March 1st, this is before you actually started dating her and you were still in the "talking" phase. So technically speaking, there's no harm on her part for having sex with him since she was single. It might not have been the smartest thing to do considering he is her ex and she was in the beginning stages of possibly dating another man (you), but at its core what she did was not cheating by any means. I would still be mad about it because why would she still want to meet with him sexually when she is lining up a new prospect, but I digress.

The trip with the ex bothers me more than the sex part. You were officially together with her on March 18, and on March 23 she goes on a skiing trip with her ex? Was this a multiple day event or did they go skiing for the day? If it was a few day trip with lodging then she might have felt compelled to go because she spent money on it, but that also means she spent a night or more with her ex, I wouldn't believe her if she said NOTHING happened between them on those nights, even if they were just there for the day. She says the sex was purely sexual, but then goes on a vacation with him? That doesn't sound purely sexual to me. If you met her in January and she was single then, why would she plan something like that with her ex for so far out in the future, and with that much time, surely she could have backed out in time to save the money and drama that goes with it.

She hid it from you for a reason, she knew it was wrong, then she felt guilty because I'd assume that either they had sex again, or things escalated in some manner, and she then felt guilty for you as well as crappy for him so she told him she wanted to be with you, but only after they had sex. You might also be right in that she was waiting for his decision, he banged her on the trip but told her he's done with her, so she said she is dating you anyways to get back at him hoping he'd be jealous (which he wasn't).

I understand him sending her a birthday message, especially if they broke up without hating each other, but I don't see why she would get all giddy and happy about it unless she still had feelings for him. And telling you "Look, he still likes me" is kind of idiotic in my opinion. She could have just seen it and said nothing, why does she have to tell you he sent her a message, and why does she have to tell you he still likes her. Her saying that clearly means she still likes him in some sense. I don't think you acted out by losing it, I'd be pissed to, you weren't unfair. She got excited that her ex told her "Happy Birthday" which she misconstrued as him liking her.

I think you don't know enough about her relationship with her ex. Why did they break up? Did she do it or did he? If they were purely sexual after the breakup, why go on a trip with him skiing? Why did she get so happy that he wished her a happy birthday? Why would him doing so mean he still likes her?

She's not giving you the truth in my opinion, so either you can ask her about her past or about what's going on and then deal with her responses accordingly, you can just stomach all of this and move on from it (but only if you believe she is telling you the truth and there is nothing fishy going on), or you can drop her out of your life because you don't want to be dating a girl that clearly has feelings for her ex still more than a year after you've been dating her, that's unfair to you.

 

[expos]

Am i totally wrong having concerns about her behaviour?

Not at all. March 18 you are official, and then March 23 she cheats on you? What on earth is going on here? This girl sounds like a total user. Using you to satisfy her confidence and ego buy having you around as boyfriend, but keeping the ex on the side for validation and opportunities like ski trips.

I think you care more about her than she cares about you. She's one of those types who'll have a boyfriend literally three days after you dump her.

How old are you two?

 

[Red48]

thanks a lot for your answer.

I was only a one day skiing trip without staying overnight.

 

[TheException]

you can ask her about her past

No^

Half a year in to our relationship she got a "happy birthday" message from her ex. she smiled and said to me: "Look, he still likes me." At that time i lost it.

Fail^

Sounds like a common jealousy sh1t test to me. Without more details its impossible to say for sure...but she could be using him for the attention as in how girls turn their ex's into fawning slaves.

GF: Look, he still likes me.
Don Juan: Thats cute.

Dismissive + Laconic = Successful way to handle it.

Chick sounds like she definitely was dating her ex and you at the same time. The trip is definitely troublesome and should have never happened but its in the past now...nothing you can do about it. She's with you now and as long as shes not hanging out with her ex i think your fine. However you flipping out on her like a chump probably resulted in an attraction decline. Definitely DO NOT APOLOGIZE. I would just act like nothing ever happened and get back to owning life...and your girl in between the sheets.

 

[HoneyHitter]

Time to move on

March 25 she told me that she didn't go on a skiing trip on March 23 with a female friend (like she told me) - she went there with her ex. She said, they planned it long before and that she told him on this trip, that she wanted to be with me.

This is when you should have dumped her. For good!

Whenever a girl says "they planned it long before", she's trying to pull guilt-trip on you! If they REALLY planned it long before, she should have TOLD you LONG BEFORE she went!!! Not AFTERWARDS!!

NEVER listen to what she says.

N-E-V-E-R.

What she did is unacceptable.Why?

Well, because:

1) She held back information about the trip
2) She lied about the trip, she wasn't going with her gf
3) She constantly let her ex fuk her behind your back (before the trip)
4) She also fukked her ex during the trip (you haven't found out, but I guarantee she did!)

Half a year in to our relationship she got a "happy birthday" message from her ex. she smiled and said to me: "Look, he still likes me." At that time i lost it. she went crying and told me i was unfair.Am i totally wrong having concerns about her behaviour?

No, you are not wrong. Trust your gut. You are not unfair. She's being a spoilt brat. You should have never entered a long-term, exclusive relationship with this girl. Take it easy next time. Just because you fukked her once, doesn't mean you should be "official". Don't ever let anyone tell you or force you to do that again.

This situation shows you have yet to master the pump-and-dump skillset. Don't take this too personal either, because this has nothing to do with you. She's just a selfish, disrespectful, branch-swinging ***** who doesn't care about your feelings at all. She would try to pull the same trick on any other inexperienced guy.

Don't talk

Should i tell her, that i sometimes feel, that i was only  second choice after her ex?Thanks for your opinions.

No, never tell.

It's pointless. It won't change how she feels about you and it will only make it worse. You are her second choice because she doesn't have any desire for you. You are not important to her.

Dump her.

Go ghost.

Don't answer her calls/text/whatsapp/e-mails.

Ignore her and start dating other girls.


This is what you need to do

She will cry, to get back at you.
Don't give in. Ignore.

She may start lashing out at you.
Don't give in or even respond. Ignore.

Then she'll start saying she loves you and acting VERY nice.
This is the last hurdle. Ignore! Ignore! Ignore!

 

[Red48]

Not at all. March 18 you are official, and then March 23 she cheats on you? What on earth is going on here? This girl sounds like a total user. Using you to satisfy her confidence and ego buy having you around as boyfriend, but keeping the ex on the side for validation and opportunities like ski trips.

I think you care more about her than she cares about you. She's one of those types who'll have a boyfriend literally three days after you dump her.

How old are you two?

She didnt cheat on me on March 23, but went on this one-day-trip with her ex.

 

[Epimanes]

Dating is not marriage. Regardless if "official" or not. So technically she's free to do as she wishes. Dating is the interview for marriage. She failed the interview as far as I am concerned.

You see... In order for MOST women to have sex with someone they need to have 2 things.

1. The prospect of enjoyment
2. Emotional attatchment to their lover/spouse

She likely had both as she already knew her ex knew what he was doing and she didn't have to tell him what she liked or disliked and could just flow through the motions ... BAM done.

So its really up to you what you wana do. What do her actions say? Is she giving you just compensation?

Think about it for a while... Let her stew on it. Don't over react.

Epi

 

[hop On hop Off]

I would dump her, so much going on with the ex. If you are to be with someone new, you gotta cut your past. Sounds like she is not taking you seriously.

 

[nismo-4]

You aren't top priority. As evidenced, the ex is aloof, you're there and she wants a relationship with you. But she's chasing after the ex and has a spot in the friendzone just waiting for you. She's not over him. At all.

Go ghost on her for a while. That's my ruling.

Case closed.

 

[HoneyHitter]

The trip is definitely troublesome and should have never happened but its in the past now...nothing you can do about it. She's with you now and as long as shes not hanging out with her ex i think your fine. However you flipping out on her like a chump probably resulted in an attraction decline. Definitely DO NOT APOLOGIZE. I would just act like nothing ever happened and get back to owning life...and your girl in between the sheets.

I agree with the apologizing, but this "relationship" will end up really bad for him if he rides it out with this girl.

Moving on like nothing happened will only make things worse. She will continue fooling around with her ex and other guys.

 

[Red48]

This is a tricky situation you find yourself in.

I'll start with the sex part, as far as you know, she had sex with him on March 1st, this is before you actually started dating her and you were still in the "talking" phase. So technically speaking, there's no harm on her part for having sex with him since she was single. It might not have been the smartest thing to do considering he is her ex and she was in the beginning stages of possibly dating another man (you), but at its core what she did was not cheating by any means. I would still be mad about it because why would she still want to meet with him sexually when she is lining up a new prospect, but I digress.

The trip with the ex bothers me more than the sex part. You were officially together with her on March 18, and on March 23 she goes on a skiing trip with her ex? Was this a multiple day event or did they go skiing for the day? If it was a few day trip with lodging then she might have felt compelled to go because she spent money on it, but that also means she spent a night or more with her ex, I wouldn't believe her if she said NOTHING happened between them on those nights, even if they were just there for the day. She says the sex was purely sexual, but then goes on a vacation with him? That doesn't sound purely sexual to me. If you met her in January and she was single then, why would she plan something like that with her ex for so far out in the future, and with that much time, surely she could have backed out in time to save the money and drama that goes with it.

She hid it from you for a reason, she knew it was wrong, then she felt guilty because I'd assume that either they had sex again, or things escalated in some manner, and she then felt guilty for you as well as crappy for him so she told him she wanted to be with you, but only after they had sex. You might also be right in that she was waiting for his decision, he banged her on the trip but told her he's done with her, so she said she is dating you anyways to get back at him hoping he'd be jealous (which he wasn't).

I understand him sending her a birthday message, especially if they broke up without hating each other, but I don't see why she would get all giddy and happy about it unless she still had feelings for him. And telling you "Look, he still likes me" is kind of idiotic in my opinion. She could have just seen it and said nothing, why does she have to tell you he sent her a message, and why does she have to tell you he still likes her. Her saying that clearly means she still likes him in some sense. I don't think you acted out by losing it, I'd be pissed to, you weren't unfair. She got excited that her ex told her "Happy Birthday" which she misconstrued as him liking her.

I think you don't know enough about her relationship with her ex. Why did they break up? Did she do it or did he? If they were purely sexual after the breakup, why go on a trip with him skiing? Why did she get so happy that he wished her a happy birthday? Why would him doing so mean he still likes her?

She's not giving you the truth in my opinion, so either you can ask her about her past or about what's going on and then deal with her responses accordingly, you can just stomach all of this and move on from it (but only if you believe she is telling you the truth and there is nothing fishy going on), or you can drop her out of your life because you don't want to be dating a girl that clearly has feelings for her ex still more than a year after you've been dating her, that's unfair to you.

It was a one-day trip. she said, thats how she wanted to make him clear that it's definitely over.

 

[cola]

just keep her around and bang other chicks as well.. that's pretty much what she is doing to you..
dont b naieve, its only speculation but Id bet her and her ex have had sex more times than you care to know since you two have been dating..

 

[Checkmate12]

It was a one-day trip. she said, thats how she wanted to make him clear that it's definitely over.

Cmon dude. Do you really, honestly believe that? If she wanted to make it clear that it was definitely over she would have just stopped talking to the guy!!

 

[Purefilth]

Cmon dude. Do you really, honestly believe that? If she wanted to make it clear that it was definitely over she would have just stopped talking to the guy!!

Bahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


No.


Logically -Yes - you are correct, but thats because we as me know that's the right thing to do and how one should behave.

Unfortunately she is a girl, and NEEDS the attention and validation that comes from surrounding herself with men who want her (or who she thinks want her). This makes her feel good about herself. So - NO. Dont expect a wh)re to cut contact with her ex just because you went on a date with her.

Also - 1 date + 1 week SHOULD NOT BE CAUSE TO REWARD HER WITH A RELATIONSHIP!

All women should be properly screened and prove themselves worthy before they earn such a right.

This thread is the result of what happens if you do not screen women and just dive into a relationship out of desperation and fear of being alone.


I'm sure that if OP had screened this slvt properly, she would've shown enough red/amber flags to warn him not to commit to her and to just treat her as the slaag that she is.



OP - I understand that you've caught feelings for her now and those feelings have been hurt by her sordid past. This is what we call a "Life Lesson".

 

[Jaylan]

OP, I could sorta understand if she had an FWB up until she met and started dating you. I mean she has physical needs like the rest of us.

But to have that person be an ex? Helllll no. It shows she wasnt really over him when she met you, and thats always spelled trouble in my book. Plus itd seem to me that you werent her first choice.

Id bail and bail quickly. I know that some girls might have a guy on the side when I meet them, but I expect them to stop that when we start hanging out. I dont take someones seconds. But its a big ole huge red flag if the guy she stopped seeing was an ex.

I dont deal with rebound situations. I learned my lesson a while ago.

 

[Aristippus]

This shouldn't be so hard for you to grasp. If you're dating someone and she sleeps with someone else behind your back, you dump her. It's also very disrespectful for her to go on a ski trip with her ex after you started dating. And so what if it was just a day trip and not an overnight trip? They could still fool around if they're alone. Are you that naive to think that 2 people who are attracted to each other and alone will wait for a sleepover if the mood hits them to do it right then and there? Don't blind yourself.

At the very least she's disrespecting you and the relationship by contacting her ex. She's also being disrespectful by saying things like "See? He likes me!" etc etc. She has no respect and that's probably why the ex dumped her. That's right. I bet HE dumped HER. You were her backup so she wouldn't be alone but she's been secretly hoping to get back with him and she's doing a lousy job of hiding it. She's not worth your time and you shouldn't care about her feelings. I suggest kicking her to the curb permanently.

 

[JohnChops]

this needs debate? well when did the SS pool become a bunch of FVCKING PUSSIES. She cheats on you 5 days after youre official ?! DROP HER FAST. I wouldnt even put up with that sh1t. Drop her, ignore her, move on. Done.

 

[Jair213]

this needs debate? well when did the SS pool become a bunch of FVCKING PUSSIES. She cheats on you 5 days after youre official ?! DROP HER FAST. I wouldnt even put up with that sh1t. Drop her, ignore her, move on. Done.

you took the words outta my mouth brrrahh i was about to say the same thing.

and yeah OP that is such complete BS man. I would have dropped her like a dead fly as soon as she told me that sh1tt uggghhh.

 

[HoneyHitter]

you took the words outta my mouth brrrahh i was about to say the same thing.

and yeah OP that is such complete BS man. I would have dropped her like a dead fly as soon as she told me that sh1tt uggghhh.

Exactly! The word "ex" is like dj repellent. I don't care what she's saying, mere mentioning is enough.