gf getting to be really good friends with guy at work

[MacAvoy]

Hmm.. I find your above post about what you would do and morals interesting but you wouldn't date a co-worked. I never would have guessed you would have been against dating co-workers.

Dating a coworker can directly affect your ability to earn a living whereas sleeping with an attached women doesn't have that same effect on your future. Theres a huge difference.

 

[guru1000]

If I remember correctly, this is the same woman that you wrote about that excused herself from you and spoke to another guy on the phone for half hour.

As well, the same woman that keeps close contact to her X in another thread.

And here you are with another problem with the SAME woman.

I told you the first time if it is not nipped in the butt, it will continue.

DASH, you have WEAK BOUNDARIES. This is why she ABUSES you.

Yet here I am. Every women I have dated throughout my life would not even give these actions a thought. They UNDERSTAND and RESPECT me.

Dash, get ready for a rollercoster ride. I do not blame this girl. You didn't set the RULES OF PLAY. She tested and saw nothing. She will continue till she has her legs wrapped around another guy in your bed while you wonder what you did wrong.

Good Luck!

 

[Latinoman]

This is the chicken/egg deal. Guys say that most quality women are already in relationships, however if she leaves him for you, she will leave you too.

No really. She is not married to him. She is not engaged to him. She is not living with him. And she is not cheating on him.

She is simply enhancing her life. Women will branch swing. That's the way it is. If you happen to be at the top of your "game" (e.g. you are a DJ with a well established life), you can expect that too happen. Very rarely a woman will leave a DJ.

 

[Latinoman]

Hmm.. I find your above post about what you would do and morals interesting but you wouldn't date a co-worked. I never would have guessed you would have been against dating co-workers.

I would not recommend dating a co-worker. I mean...why risk losing your job and ability to pay your bills and feed yourself and even damage your professional career for a woman? Not worthy.

 

[Latinoman]

If I remember correctly, this is the same woman that you wrote about that excused herself from you and spoke to another guy on the phone for half hour.

As well, the same woman that keeps close contact to her X in another thread.

And here you are with another problem with the SAME woman.

I told you the first time if it is not nipped in the butt, it will continue.

DASH, you have WEAK BOUNDARIES. This is why she ABUSES you.

Yet here I am. Every women I have dated throughout my life would not even give these actions a thought. They UNDERSTAND and RESPECT me.

Dash, get ready for a rollercoster ride. I do not blame this girl. You didn't set the RULES OF PLAY. She tested and saw nothing. She will continue till she has her legs wrapped around another guy in your bed while you wonder what you did wrong.

Good Luck!

Exactly.

 

[reset]

Yeah I know the branch-swinging. I've just heard a lot of "truisms" here, and one of those is "the way you got her is the way you'll lose her".

But that's not necessarily the case. It's kind of a limiting belief.

So you avoid married and women who are living with men--because there's too much drama and hassle involved?

I had a big problem with going for a chick who had a boyfriend, but she was living with him. But I guess it's, if there's no ring or home involved, fair game.

 

[Latinoman]

Yeah I know the branch-swinging. I've just heard a lot of "truisms" here, and one of those is "the way you got her is the way you'll lose her".

.

I rather have a woman that LEAVES me if she is unhappy and feels there is someone better for her...than having a woman either UNHAPPY with me OR cheating on me.

Don't you agree?

 

[reset]

Yeah I'd agree with that.

I just always thought going for a taken girl was the wrong thing to do, but if she's receptive then it's her decision. Lots of girls will stay in relationships only because they haven't found something better.

 

[Latinoman]

I would NEVER go for a woman that is with a man that I already know (co-worker, family, friend, etc.).

I discourage men for going for women that are either MARRIED, ENGAGED, or LIVING with a her partner.

But a woman that has a boyfriend? Almost every "quality" woman has a boyfriend. Unless she clearly tells me that she has no interest...then I MIGHT go for her if I feel she enhances me. If not...then I won't even bother.

 

[guru1000]

I rather have a woman that LEAVES me if she is unhappy and feels there is someone better for her...than having a woman either UNHAPPY with me OR cheating on me.

Don't you agree?

And yet you have the same guys like the OP who continually DON"T GET IT.

It's funny. I have been out with more women than most from different walks of life. In all my relationships I have never had close to a problem like the DISRESPECT alot of the men here discuss.

The difference that makes the difference is your self respect and what you will tolerate. As far back as I can remember, I have always had 0% tolerance to DISRESPECT.

The sad part of the equation is alot of men do not feel these are signs of DISRESPECT till the girl has branch swung and totally left him for dead.

Yet just like the OP, they feel the DANGER SIGNS. Their GUT works but their lack of self worth and respect allows them to turn a blind eye. They put the women before their integrity and sure enough that dreaded day comes and they scream "I didn't see it coming."

 

[reset]

You know I always thought that if it was a girl with a boyfriend, somehow I was showing respect to the other guy by not pursuing it... even if she had interest and I had interest.

I think I have it backwards. And if most quality women are in relationships, I'm going to have to adjust.

 

[Latinoman]

And yet you have the same guys like the OP who continually DON"T GET IT.

It's funny. I have been out with more women than most from different walks of life. In all my relationships I have never had close to a problem like the DISRESPECT alot of the men here discuss.

The difference that makes the difference is your self respect and what you will tolerate. As far back as I can remember, I have always had 0% tolerance to DISRESPECT.

The sad part of the equation is alot of men do not feel these are signs of DISRESPECT till the girl has branch swung and totally left him for dead.

Yet just like the OP, they feel the DANGER SIGNS. Their GUT works but their lack of self worth and respect allows them to turn a blind eye. They put the women before their integrity and sure enough that dreaded day comes and they scream "I didn't see it coming."

I totally agree with you. I am like you too.

 

[Latinoman]

You know I always thought that if it was a girl with a boyfriend, somehow I was showing respect to the other guy by not pursuing it... even if she had interest and I had interest.

I think I have it backwards. And if most quality women are in relationships, I'm going to have to adjust.

Wait...wait...wait...
There plenty of women out there that don't have a man because their life do NOT revolve around a particular man. Some of those women are probably focusing on themselves and are quality too.


It is good to show respect for other men's women. All I am saying is that if I don't know the guy (or have never seen him) and she is not married to him, or engaged to him, or living with him...and if I sense she is a "quality woman" that can enhance my life...I will make myself available.

I won't try and take her from him. I will simply show her (covertly) that there are somebody better out there. She will eventually dump him. If she does...I go for it. If she doesn't...and cheats on him with me....she might as well stay with him, because I won't be in a serious relationship with a woman that cheated on her man.

 

[reset]

I won't try and take her from him. I will simply show her (covertly) that there are somebody better out there. She will eventually dump him. If she does...I go for it. If she doesn't...and cheats on him with me....she might as well stay with him, because I won't be in a serious relationship with a woman that cheated on her man.

got it. She leaves, then you pounce.

 

[Colossus]

Dash, your situation sucks.

It sounds like you have a dubious history with this girl. GURU and LATINOMAN had great analyses. Your boundaries are weak, and probably have been from day one.

The problem is that in some ways it is too late to set boundaries with her. She has already tested the waters, and if you say anything to her now, chances are she will accuse you of being jealous, controlling, nosy, or an otherwise d!ckhead. If you say nothing, well...it's probably going to continue just the same.

As stated before, women are often pretty naive when it comes to a guy's motives. My old gf constantly had guys "befriending" her, and she loved the attention like any woman would, but i knew exactly what was up. Guys ALWAYS can discern another man's motives with a woman...especially their own. It would drive me bat-fvcking crazy because there was essentially nothing i could do about it; except walk away from the relationship, which i was not willing to do. These guys werent breaking any "rules" per se...so i lost either way. If i called her out on it, it would be insecure; and if i did nothing and went about my merry way, it would only continue.

The point is that she did not have the level of respect for me that would rule out that behavior in the first place. I wish i could say i was like GURU and never tolerated any disrespect from my gf's...but alas.

If you are smart and can muster the stones, you will start to explore other options yourself. Remember--The end is always in the beginning, if you look for it.

 

[Total Control]

notice how this woman is out of control?

he didn't properly train her at the start of the relationship and now she disrespects him at will

exactly what I was referring to in my thread on total control in a relationship in the main forum

 

[Omen]

I see the point you all are trying to make here.

I see what Latinoman is getting at and how HE does what he does. Some guys say NEVER bother with women who have a boyfriend. And at the same time I hear go for it if you can pull it off.

I think a key point you made was this...

and if I sense she is a "quality woman" that can enhance my life...I will make myself available.

There is no use in spending your time otherwise. I think most of us can sense this.

I think another part that is key is this as well...

I won't try and take her from him. I will simply show her (covertly) that there is somebody better out there. She will eventually dump him. If she does...I go for it. If she doesn't...and cheats on him with me....she might as well stay with him, because I won't be in a serious relationship with a woman that cheated on her man.

I think one thing that needs to be remembered is that YOU DO NOT WANT A WOMAN THAT CHEATS ON HIM FOR YOU. That means she will do the same to you.

If she dumps him, and realizes that she found someone better she may like to know, then I see no problem at all.

You have to realize too, that not every couple out there who are boyfriend and girlfriend are the happiest couple to walk the earth. Some are together just cause that's how it is, and they haven't found anyone, or just feel too comfortable.

When I was dating this one girl for a year, there were times I just wanted to find someone else. She got boring, dull, was no fun to be around, but I was with her cause it was easier at the time being than to go out and try to search again.

BUT... If I had for some reason got to know someone and thought they would have been a better match, I would have BROKEN UP WITH HER, then dated the other person.

Some girls just like the phrase "I have a boyfriend" and some truly are missing out on tons.

If I woman shows interest in ME, and realizes... Wow, I would love to be with him, because he seems so much better than my current boyfriend, and seems to have more of what I am looking for, THEN SO BE IT.

Like Latinoman said... You dont try and STEAL her, but you try to say... Hey look, I can be THAT GUY and then some.

I know girls who had boyfriends who were not very happy, but they were still with them. WHY? Then hadn't found anyone better yet. So many times, they aren't totally taken.

I work with a handful of girls, and I can tell you out of the ones with boyfriends, WHICH are happy, and which are set. They are with them all of the time, talk about them all of the time, and are pretty much inseparable. Then there are the ones, who have them, but you never hear about them, see them, or anything.

I had gone to two parties once for work, and not once was this one girls boyfriend there. One was even New Years Eve. You never saw him come into work, but maybe 2x once to bring her lunch, but that was when I think things were going down hill. Besides that, they were never together much, and she never spoke of him PERIOD.

Now the whole showing up at your womans work, shows your presence to everyone else. If I NEVER see a guy come talk to his woman at work but maybe more than once, or ever hear her talk about him, something is up.

So if I was dating a woman, I would sure as heck make my presence known, to say... Look b*tches, I EXIST, and SHE HAS A MAN.

Then some guys may say... Damn, this guy is always around, and i'm not messing with her as she is obviously taken. Unless of course she totally does the opposite and flirts like crazy behind your back. You dont know what goes on, but for me, a woman who always has a guy around and blabs about him and always hangs with him, i'm not going to bother with.

No use going after a woman who brags non-stop about her boyfriend. But if one brags non-stop about you, you may have something to work with there.

I also think what Total Control said is kind of dead on too about how you need to train them at the beginning.

If you dont set any boundaries, you set yourself up for what dash is dealing with.

I've always made sure a woman understand that stuff.

 

[mrRuckus]

What always works for me is getting her pregnant. That'll take her mind off that guy.

If that fails, just keep making little comments about how fat she is getting and she'll either leave you solving your problem, or be thankful she has you since she'll think she's too fat to get other guys and will love you more.

 

[Colossus]

Good post Omen.

I personally will not go after a woman who is either married, engaged, living with a bf, or in an LTR. I have slept with women who had bf's; as most of us probably have, but this was nothing I overtly or actively pursued. It just sort of came together. They had the hots for me, and I was inclined to oblige at the time. Was it immoral on my part? Depends on your perspective. I in no way persuaded or cajoled them into it--but I didnt resist their advances either. You have to have some strong convictions to resist an attractive woman who is basically taking your pants off and sitting on your lap. As the saying goes--biology trumps conviction.

I met a girl on the train a few weeks ago whom i really hit it off with. She was very feminine, shy, attractive...totally my type. I got her number and we ended up spending the 7-hour train ride home together, BUT--she had a LONG-term boyfriend (whom she clearly was not happy with) that she also lived with.

Long story short, I could have called her and probably pursued her, but i chose not to because her situation. 1) I would be the rebound guy or the guy she cheated with, and 2) She lived with the guy and it was like a 6 year relationship. Do you know how likley a relapse is after that? No thanks.

 

[Latinoman]

I see the point you all are trying to make here.

I see what Latinoman is getting at and how HE does what he does. Some guys say NEVER bother with women who have a boyfriend. And at the same time I hear go for it if you can pull it off.

I think a key point you made was this...

and if I sense she is a "quality woman" that can enhance my life...I will make myself available.

There is no use in spending your time otherwise. I think most of us can sense this.

I think another part that is key is this as well...

I won't try and take her from him. I will simply show her (covertly) that there is somebody better out there. She will eventually dump him. If she does...I go for it. If she doesn't...and cheats on him with me....she might as well stay with him, because I won't be in a serious relationship with a woman that cheated on her man.

I think one thing that needs to be remembered is that YOU DO NOT WANT A WOMAN THAT CHEATS ON HIM FOR YOU. That means she will do the same to you.

If she dumps him, and realizes that she found someone better she may like to know, then I see no problem at all.

You have to realize too, that not every couple out there who are boyfriend and girlfriend are the happiest couple to walk the earth. Some are together just cause that's how it is, and they haven't found anyone, or just feel too comfortable.

When I was dating this one girl for a year, there were times I just wanted to find someone else. She got boring, dull, was no fun to be around, but I was with her cause it was easier at the time being than to go out and try to search again.

BUT... If I had for some reason got to know someone and thought they would have been a better match, I would have BROKEN UP WITH HER, then dated the other person.

Some girls just like the phrase "I have a boyfriend" and some truly are missing out on tons.

If I woman shows interest in ME, and realizes... Wow, I would love to be with him, because he seems so much better than my current boyfriend, and seems to have more of what I am looking for, THEN SO BE IT.

Like Latinoman said... You dont try and STEAL her, but you try to say... Hey look, I can be THAT GUY and then some.

I know girls who had boyfriends who were not very happy, but they were still with them. WHY? Then hadn't found anyone better yet. So many times, they aren't totally taken.

I work with a handful of girls, and I can tell you out of the ones with boyfriends, WHICH are happy, and which are set. They are with them all of the time, talk about them all of the time, and are pretty much inseparable. Then there are the ones, who have them, but you never hear about them, see them, or anything.

I had gone to two parties once for work, and not once was this one girls boyfriend there. One was even New Years Eve. You never saw him come into work, but maybe 2x once to bring her lunch, but that was when I think things were going down hill. Besides that, they were never together much, and she never spoke of him PERIOD.

Now the whole showing up at your womans work, shows your presence to everyone else. If I NEVER see a guy come talk to his woman at work but maybe more than once, or ever hear her talk about him, something is up.

So if I was dating a woman, I would sure as heck make my presence known, to say... Look b*tches, I EXIST, and SHE HAS A MAN.

Then some guys may say... Damn, this guy is always around, and i'm not messing with her as she is obviously taken. Unless of course she totally does the opposite and flirts like crazy behind your back. You dont know what goes on, but for me, a woman who always has a guy around and blabs about him and always hangs with him, i'm not going to bother with.

No use going after a woman who brags non-stop about her boyfriend. But if one brags non-stop about you, you may have something to work with there.

I also think what Total Control said is kind of dead on too about how you need to train them at the beginning.

If you dont set any boundaries, you set yourself up for what dash is dealing with.

I've always made sure a woman understand that stuff.

Exactly.

Good post man.