gf getting to be really good friends with guy at work

[Dash Riprock]

My gf of 9.5 months seems to be getting pretty chummy with some guy at work. She seems to bring his name up quite a few times (more so than other peers it seems) even though they’re in two different depts. The company is pretty small, maybe 25 people, so I'm sure there's plenty of interaction with everyone.

She tells me "He tells me secrets all the time" usually about things he hears about other people at work. He seems to pay her quite a bit of attention and uses some c&f on her. My guess is he's around 24-25 she's 31.

I learned last week they went for a walk together over lunch to discuss his upcoming performance review and then he took her over another lunch hour to pick up a movie (she doesn’t have a car).

He's been employed there for 4 months and has a gf of maybe 6 mos. She says they have "good energy" together and he's fun to work with.

To this point, when she brings him up I have said NOTHING and basically ignore that she even mentions him. BUT now it seems when his name comes up my blood starts to boil--because I'm sick of it. Still, I've kept my cool 100%.

Curious on DJ tips and how you’ve handled similar situations like this. I really don't think a 24 y.o. accountant poses a threat to me, but we all have an ego and pride, and I still find myself getting more P.O.ed about his name coming up all the time.

Thoughts appreciated.

Dash

 

[MacAvoy]

Here's what I would do. Start preparing for the upcoming branch swinging monkey phase. It appears she's starting to lose a little bit of interest and is ready to start branch swinging soon. Now women are pretty nieve when it comes to men's intentions and their company. Your g/f doesn't realize what his intentions are.

That being said, I've never been great at combatting branch swinging. But here's what I'm guessing. You've become too comfortable and complacent in your relationship. Start spending more time away from her, call up your old buds that you've been neglecting.

Start approaching women and chatting them up. I'm not saying you have to start cheating but getting out there and just talking with the opposite sex should help make you be the sexy man that she was first attracted to again. I would cut down your contact with your g/f, let her come to you, say your busy with work, other stuff. Say your friends called you and they miss you and you feel bad for neglecting them. Actually don't tell her that, let her guess, just say your busy.

Now for some insight. I can recall last year when I was that other guy. I had a g/f, this new hot 25 yr old started workin at my company, she invited us all to her bday, I was the only one who went. We became friends, we became very close, started hanging out all the time. Now she had a b/f and I had no real interest in trying to bang her but we were good friends. Now I'm not normally friends with a women because I want to bang them, she was hot, had a nice rack, but the reason I was friends with her was because there was value in it for me, she had hot friends, whom I could hook up with.

Now this whole time, I lied to her about my g/f and told her we broke up so I could be the available single guy for her friends. Now she had no idea about my intentions, she thought I was truly just wanted to be her friend. Be wary of the guy's alterior motives, most times they want to get in her pants.

 

[reset]

I have no advice but if it happened to me I'd start to tune her out and get ready to move on. She knows talking about another man to you is low-class.

 

[Interceptor]

Be very careful of a GF sharing Emotional Intimacy with another man OTHER THAN YOU.

MY first gut reaction is: Why would this woman seek such an intimate connection with some other Man if Dash is giving her the intimacy and support she needs?

You are, arent you, Dash?


This isnt just a 'plate'. Some nice girl you happen to be 'dating'. This is your exclusive, monogamous Girlfriend here.

 

[reset]

But this also happens at work, especially smaller companies like dash's girl. You are with these people all day. Emotional connections are formed. And everyone flirts with each other. Some of the stuff I see, (and have done myself) I knew if the guy saw his girl flirting back and forth with the co-worker, he'd get steamed. And I'm sure when and if I go exclusive I'll have the same thing.

I see married men and women going to lunch together and "sharing", taking long walks together. It's acceptable, supposedly.

Here is what I've noticed though. It's usually the guys who are looking to form these friendships, and the more they open up to the girl, the more they are like chicks and the girls see them as ego boosters, nothing more. But it's also great for jealousy. Your GF is trying to make you jealous.

 

[frivolousz21]

I got nothing..except my heart goes out to you if this turns out bad

 

[MotownMack]

That being said, I've never been great at combatting branch swinging. But here's what I'm guessing. You've become too comfortable and complacent in your relationship. Start spending more time away from her, call up your old buds that you've been neglecting.

I will echo McAvoy's sentiments a 100%, right down to admitting that I can't say I have been any better than the average guy an re-newing interest when it starts to fade. Sometimes it's impossible to stop. But it definitely sounds like she is way too comfortable, so much so that she is OK with telling you about the guy. That SCREAMS a few things to me:

1) She is comfortable that you're not going anywhere, which could be:
a) Because she is really isn't looking to go anywhere and feels you
should already be aware of this.
b) She is losing interest and isn't into the relationship as much as she once
was, and therefore doesn't value you as much.

The other possibility is,

2) She's trying to make you jealous, because as interceptor and rest said, maybe she doesn't feel like her needs are being filled emotionally.

Either way, I would communicate through actions rather than words via push/pull. Don't completely blow her off or become totally aloof, but be less available than you once were. And as of yet, I would not address this head on with her, as that rarely seems to work in these situations.

It's a slippery slope, though, because she could just try to get her needs fulfilled through this new guy when you're unavailable. As was mentioned, sometimes it can be nothing/harmless, but most guys have their own agenda and he could be DJing her.
But that's probably a risk you have to take. You can't stop from one from straying if that's what they have their mind set on.

 

[MacAvoy]

I'm not sure how emotionally involved you are compared to her but after listening to Motown and re-evaluating my situation, one thing comes to mind RT's Cardinal Rule of Relationship "In any relationship, the person with the most power is the one who needs the other the least". If you truly want to save this relationship, your going to have to take the ultimate risk.

I think you need to dump her. Start dating other women (you don't have to f close them), just get out there. Tell her the relationship has gotten stale, that she's not what you pictured in a women and say your moving on. Heck I would try to not say anything at all. Give no excuse, let her mind wonder, imagine etc...

If she truly had interest in you, she'll do whatever it takes to get you back. However don't take her back immediately, make her work for it. However I'm willing to bet that your not willing to do this so get prepared for the inevitable.

You can try my previous advice but I doubt it'll be as effective. However you can try it for a week or two, then do the dumping thing. However I think going straight to the dump will be the most effective.

 

[speed dawg]

Geez, Dash, you've had hella problems with this chick. Her ex-husband in the picture, she walks away from you to talk on her cell phone to some guy, she's "friends" with a guy from work.

I don't know how serious this current problem is. I wouldn't like it too much. I also wouldn't like to put up with this many problems this often.

In other words, I'd start looking for other girls worthy of my relationship time and relegate this b1tch to fvck-buddy status. I hope you're not living with her. I wouldn't necessarily dump her like Macavoy said. Just put her on the backburner. Dumping her would look like an ultimatum of powerlessness. And it would be.

 

[reset]

I think you need to dump her. Start dating other women (you don't have to f close them), just get out there. Tell her the relationship has gotten stale, that she's not what you pictured in a women and say your moving on. Heck I would try to not say anything at all. Give no excuse, let her mind wonder, imagine etc...

If she truly had interest in you, she'll do whatever it takes to get you back. However don't take her back immediately, make her work for it. However I'm willing to bet that your not willing to do this so get prepared for the inevitable.

That's hardcore but if this happens to me I'll remember what you said. Sink or swim.

 

[MacAvoy]

Good job picking up on that speed. I didn't realize this was the same guy. If I were you, I'd dump her and see if she is serious about changing her ways. I seriously doubt it though, shes a branch swinging monkey through and through.

Your only hope is to dump her and that she has an epiphany and realizes she screwed up.

 

[speed dawg]

I can't really get a handle on this because he's taken so much punishment from her before. She goes out to lunch once a week with her EX HUSBAND. I don't know, I guess I have alot of willpower. Hard to put a chick that you're emotionally involved with, on the backburner I suppose.

Yeah it might be good to cut ties with her, but he better be willing to move on. Dash has to make that decision.

 

[Omen]

This is why you always hear the "dont date people at work deal" BUT... At the same time, if you dated her and she worked elsewhere, you wouldn't even have the slightest idea of what she was doing. At least in your situation, you have some leverage because you work in the same place.

It seems you know a tad about the guy, but I dont know if you have ever had any interaction with him.

These situations always suck.

Me for example... I like a girl I work with. Girl has boyfriend, but I wont get with her because of that. She becomes single, then awesome. Now that STILL doesn't mean I dont talk to her at work and say hi, and maybe flirt. Now I have an advantage because I can be myself at work when I am around her, and then she can decide what she is after.

At the same time, her boyfriend doesn't work with us, so I have NO IDEA how they interact, how much time they spend together, or how solid their relationship is.

Does he know she talks to me? Probably not. Though it wasn't the meaningful I love you, one day she was like.... I love you Omen. She's also agreed to hang out as well last week, but she said she had a ton of stuff going on, and when she forgot to tell me one way or the other... I asked her if she was still alive and all good cause I never heard from her. She apologized twice for not letting me know. And this WAS NOT just me and her. There was supposed to be another girl hang with us too. I'll never hang with a girl I like if she isn't single by my self cause it wouldn't end good. I guess depending on who you talk too, it could be good. But this is why there are always other friends around. I can still get to know her, analyze her, etc etc.

So you see, this girl does the same as yours, but her guy is NOT in the workplace. At the same time too, we haven't done anything together YET. We dont have time to blabber that much either at work, so its only a little each week.

The thing for me is that she NEVER brings her boyfriend up to me. Seen him, but dont know his name, or much about the guy.

Stuff like this happens, and certain people will handle it certain ways. Me... I'l tell her I like her, and leave it at that. I wont hang out with her tons, take her here and there, go walk with her for lunch or what not.

I'm not going to be the guy on the leash who tries and tries.

In my case, I liked her before I knew she had a boyfriend.

What I think your girl should do is talk about you non-stop, so home boy leaves her alone. If she brags about you enough, he'll realize she REALLY IS TAKEN.

What i've seen, is that girls who NEVER talk about their guy, aren't really that happy. I saw a prime example of this with one girl who dated a guy for 2yrs. She never said a word about the guy, and then BAM, they broke up, and she is with some dude at work.

If you can, maybe find the guy and introduce yourself to him, or have her introduce you to him. Hey so and so, this is my boyfriend dash.

You need a way to weed him out. And you may not be able too, if SHE is just not into the relationship with you anymore. You really need to figure this out, and see if she is happy or not.

 

[reset]

Me for example... I like a girl I work with. Girl has boyfriend, but I wont get with her because of that. She becomes single, then awesome. Now that STILL doesn't mean I dont talk to her at work and say hi, and maybe flirt. Now I have an advantage because I can be myself at work when I am around her, and then she can decide what she is after.

That's how it starts.

 

[Omen]

That's how it starts.

Actually, the truth is, my morals are too good to be doing anything with a woman besides talking to her even if she has a boyfriend. I wouldn't want it vice versa, so I leave it at that. I'll still tell her I like her though, so she actually knows, but besides that, that's all there is to it.

Sounds like the guy dash talks about does a lot of stuff with her. Not going to do that. Here, let me do XYZ... and THEN will you dump him and go out with me. That's the "chump" way of doing things.

I mean the woman has a choice, and if she is unhappy, and looking for a reason to break up with a guy, then what ever. I'm just not going to force it on her. I'll go talk to another girl.

 

[Latinoman]

Well...I have low morals. If I am single and I meet a woman that has a boyfriend (she does not live with him...is not married to him...or they are not engaged)...and I feel that woman is the type of woman I would want with me. I will make sure she starts developing some level of interest and feelings for me.

(a) If she cheats on him with me...so be it. But I would not take her for a serious relationship.

(b) If she DUMPS him...so she can LATER be with me. Then I take her if I feel she is worth of being with me.

I have done both before.

Here is my suggestion to Dash...he either has to find a way to get her attention and respect...OR he should start meeting other women and do some branch swinging himself.

Knowing the history, I cannot understand why he is even dating this woman to be honest with you.

 

[Omen]

Well...I have low morals. If I am single and I meet a woman that has a boyfriend (she does not live with him...is not married to him...or they are not engaged)...and I feel that woman is the type of woman I would want with me. I will make sure she starts developing some level of interest and feelings for me.

(a) If she cheats on him with me...so be it. But I would not take her for a serious relationship.

(b) If she DUMPS him...so she can LATER be with me. Then I take her if I feel she is worth of being with me.

I have done both before.

Here is my suggestion to Dash...he either has to find a way to get her attention and respect...OR he should start meeting other women and do some branch swinging himself.

Knowing the history, I cannot understand why he is even dating this woman to be honest with you.

No doubt the woman I like i'd love to be with me, but I dont think I can stoop to the level of trying to be all evil and sweep her off her feet away from her man. But that's just me.

At the same time, like you said... If you can do it, do it. You seem to think that if you can get the woman to have interest and feelings for you, then its all good.

Personally, I probably could do this, and have no problem doing this, and making her go... Ok... I am losing the guy I am with. BUT... I really dont want to do that.

And as you said... knowing the history of dashes woman, maybe it's time to let her go. It seems as if it is more trouble than it should be.

 

[Latinoman]

No doubt the woman I like i'd love to be with me, but I dont think I can stoop to the level of trying to be all evil and sweep her off her feet away from her man. But that's just me.

At the same time, like you said... If you can do it, do it. You seem to think that if you can get the woman to have interest and feelings for you, then its all good.

Personally, I probably could do this, and have no problem doing this, and making her go... Ok... I am losing the guy I am with. BUT... I really dont want to do that.

And as you said... knowing the history of dashes woman, maybe it's time to let her go. It seems as if it is more trouble than it should be.

By the way...you are dealing with a co-worker. That should be off-limits.

 

[Omen]

By the way...you are dealing with a co-worker. That should be off-limits.

Hmm.. I find your above post about what you would do and morals interesting but you wouldn't date a co-worked. I never would have guessed you would have been against dating co-workers.

 

[reset]

(a) If she cheats on him with me...so be it. But I would not take her for a serious relationship.

(b) If she DUMPS him...so she can LATER be with me. Then I take her if I feel she is worth of being with me.

This is the chicken/egg deal. Guys say that most quality women are already in relationships, however if she leaves him for you, she will leave you too.