GF Big Dilema, (A real world issue not no bf gf drama bs)

[b's nuts]

Originally posted by NewMan
BP

Another conversation and thread in the same vain as all the others.

Not trying to ride your a## here - but every thread is about your fvcked up relationship.

Here is a tip.

Click on the DJ Bible link and read it.

Ok... further...

1) Never Ever, ever, ever, ever tell a b#tch that you want to be with her for the rest of your life/ that you love her/ that you want to live with her/ that you want to marry her BEFORE she tells that to you. Ever. Never. NEVER.

2) You are giving ALL of the relationship power to her. I say this time and time again. The minute you show weakness. The minute she realizes that you like her more than she likes you - you are fvcked. She needs to initiate all the moves.

3) you will only push her away by forcing issues. By being a little boy when on the phone with her. Let me tell you, you will NEVER be able to control anyone. You will NEVER be able to change her or her way of thinking. Ultimatums do not work. You either accept it, or you walk away. Don't waste your time trying to make her something she isn't.

'nuff said.

100% accurate.

Girls care way more about the status and progression of a relationship, so leave that up to them, also to include in the list on #1 - when the relationship has become exclusive. I think that is a big one to not come off desperate or needy, and keeps you in the position of choice, not her.

 

[DjDreamer]

Originally posted by Andromax
Man,


Oh my god.

I almost thought you were the chick in this relationship.

LoL... I thought the same thing...

Now that's some scary stuff right there....Black panther...it's like you're a male lesbian...I hope you snap out of it real quick...

 

[DjDreamer]

By the way...

When you got off the phone did you breakdown in tears?

 

[NewMan]

**
You all see what im talking about you all, then i ask her "what do you see me as" She got the nerd to say, " as somebody who wants to do everything right away and plan everything right away" wich aint the case, i just want to have a slight idea of what her plans are, cause plans are never going to be just how you plan them, changes are always going to occur, you just have to adjust , thats just life.

She does not get that.

after a 37 min convo totally frustrated and angered i hanged the phone on her after telling her "you dont want to have a LTR with me you just want somehting short, a bf for now, you do not put me in your plans for the future , you only thinkg about you".
**

One more thing I have observed through experience.

Don't right off straight away what she tells you she is feeling.


Listen to her.

Quote:

**
"what do you see me as" She got the nerd to say, " as somebody who wants to do everything right away and plan everything right away" wich aint the case,
**

You ask her how she see's you as....

She replies..

Then you immesdiately bag on her and tell her it's not.

Don't you see?

You can't ask someone how they feel and then turn around and tell them it's wrong.

Perhaps this is not all of the converstion.

But, what you need to find out is WHY she thinks that way.

You can't change the way she thinks, but you CAN change the way she interperates what you SAY.

Perhaps she has the wrong idea about something you said?

Did you find this out?

 

[Kaine]

Judging by the posts the gender roles have been reversed. Now the man is asking for reassurance about the relationship. This means she now views him as a low status male. Which means low interest levels and hence apathy about the relationship.

He'll need to first be willing to recognise that there is a problem here before he can commit to properly resolving this.

Is this recoverable?

A major shakeup will be required at least.

A method would be, as suggested. Break up, and ganji her. She needs to relate strong emotional feelings to him and the feeling of loss will do it. Then he can come back in a position of power and do some damage control. Of course there is a risk and he'll need a set of balls to deal with the consequences.

Kaine

 

[Black Panther®]

Ok... newman i see what you are saying now, i see what yall talking about here, i think that as much as it hurts me to do it ima break up with her and see if then she attempts to get back with me or whatnot.

But only today i found out that i have lost all my respect that i had before from her and now i know that now she thinks that she has all the power in the relationship.

This is how it happened.

Today, when she was coming to see me , she phoned me earlier, i told her where i was and she came, in a hurry. (even i was surprised) Now she came in the car like it was her car, you know with the im bigge than you attitude.

She came with some school project that she wanted me to see.
ok we look at it then she bought up the sibject that we was talking about when we was on the phone and i got mad and whatnot, only this time when i asked her some of the same q's she replied in an semi- aggresive and total confindent manner, and in a its gonna be this way my way and thats it manner. ( i was really surprise of such a change in her attittude)

As soon as she finish saying what she had to say she said " i got to go now" she didnt even give me a chance to reply or nothing she just said it and left like as if she was saying " Im in control of this RL now and i do as i want now"

Then while we was in the building she did not say one word to me for the whole afternoon, and just now before reading this last replies i called her and she did not pick up (im glad she didnt pick up cause i wasnt gonna break up with her i was gonna ask her what was wrong with her and that i wanted to know)

So now i really see what you guys are talking about, that she is in control and that i really fuked it up.

Hopefully she calls back.... lol i can imagine how she is feeling right now, thinking that she got me wrapped around her finger and that everything is gonna be under her control now, little does she know that im getting ready to cut all her bs out and break up with her.

Im definetly not going to call back or should i? if so when? and if she does not call back and i dont neither, im not going to see her until next tuesday i believe.


tx yall

 

[Black Panther®]

Originally posted by Giovanni Casanova
Okay, man, let's think about this logically for a minute. Let's consider the possibilities about your question ("What are her intentions?").

1. She loves you and intends to be with you forever. She wants to get married on a Saturday afternoon with pink flowers in her hair and have a honeymoon in Jamaica, followed by Happily Ever After.
2. She intends to keep you around as long as you are fun, convenient, and hassle-free. Considering recent history, that might be a very short fuse burning here.
3. She hasn't really made up her mind about her intentions yet.[/list=1] Okay, so if it was Option #1... she would have said something. If you're sitting there carrying on about wanting to know her intentions, et cetera, and her intentions are the same as yours obviously are, she would tell you rather than go through all that grief. So I think we can safely rule out Option #1.
   
   Option #2 is a possibility. If that's the case, she'll probably be cutting those strings pretty soon here. You haven't been very hassle-free lately. However, chances are if that were truly her original intention, she would have told you much sooner than this. Most guys are cool with that sort of arrangement, where you're "with" someone but not super-serious. If you wouldn't go for it, some guy would have. So I'm going to say that Option #2, while more likely than Option #1, is still not super-likely.
   
   So that leaves us with Option #3 as pretty likely. We've got a girl here trying to balance her professional/career life with the social/romantic aspects of her life. She may still be deciding how she wants to approach the idea of long-term romance or even marriage (children, etc.) and how she will be able to do all that with the career that she has gone to school for. By having outbursts when she tells you that she isn't sure how she wants to proceed, you may be making her choice easier for her and not in a good way.
   
   So you need to back off a little bit. Don't suffocate her, don't give her ultimatums and don't accuse her of not loving you sufficiently. And you'll probably want to save the hanging up on her for when she does something really wrong.

1. 
   
   so i guess that is not the right thing to do then? i was gonna do that .

 

[Kaine]

Whatever you do, you'll need to pull back. At the moment you are pushing TOO much. If you aren't going to break up lean back. She is very confident about you at the moment and you are too predictable.

Women need a feeling of uncertainty and lack of control with their man in order to trully be passionate about them. Yes it's screwed but that's what stirs their emotions (this is the jerk affect).

Now do you see why she is acting the way she is?

I don't know how much damage you've done in over what period of time. Do what you need to do now, if you are dead to her then leaning back may just prolong the inevitable, breaking up may give you a faster path to the same answer.

Anyway keep us updated.

 

[Tazman]

Dude I have one relationship under my belt with no sex(reached 2nd base but thats another story), and even I can see the signs. Continue with your plan to break it off because you exhibited VERY STRONG AFC behavior, theres no turning back now.

 

[Black Panther®]

Well she just called me .

I told her what you guys mentioned in this thread.

To come i found out that she acted and was acting like this in the past cause she is frustrated with school and all the work and projects that she hasto do, and bingo im the lucky man in wich she takes her frustrations out on.

That explains a lot.

I told her about that i wanna break up with her and that way ima give her time to think and get herself together.

She said that she is gonna think about us and that shell call me back then.

i get the feeling of "back in charge already"

 

[Tazman]

I may be a little out of line trying to give advice being I'm not all that experienced in these matters, but I have been reading a lot of posts, including the bible, and I feel like I can bring up some valid points. I may be analyzing too much but here it goes:

"I told her what you guys mentioned in this thread."

What did you tell her?

"To come i found out that she acted and was acting like this in the past cause she is frustrated with school and all the work and projects that she hasto do, and bingo im the lucky man in wich she takes her frustrations out on."

Was she acting frustrated in general, or just when you questioned her about the future of the relationship? It sounds like she may be appeasing you for the moment, because she still gave you NO ANSWER. It seems like the old "its me not you" routine.

"I told her about that i wanna break up with her and that way ima give her time to think and get herself together."

Did you actually break up with with her or did you just mention it as a possibility? From your statement it also seems as if you did it in a passive sort of way. Its almost like your saying "we'll just break up until YOUR ready to move forward and I'll be here waiting."

"She said that she is gonna think about us and that shell call me back then."

For some reason it still seems like she is the one controlling things here. Did she get upset at all with you initiating a break-up? The reason I ask is because when someone feels like they are going to lose something very important to them they usually spring into action (or get emotional: angry, upset, etc), doesn't seem like the case here, or maybe I'm speaking too soon...

 

[Cuervo]

"She said that she is gonna think about us and that shell call me back then. "

ROTFLMAO

 

[Black Panther®]

well nah i made a mistake there, when i told her about breaking up with her, she seemed as if she was sad and kinda desperate, after that she told me that she was frustrated with school.

ME - Sorry but i have to break up with you, its just not working, with all the disrispect towards me...(i forgat what else i told her, but some recent things that shes been doing, oh yah what she did today )

Her - (long silence) im sorry that for acting like that... im just frustrated with school and all that stress.

ME - Well now you'll have sometime to get yourself together and think. Call me back whenever you have decided about what you wanna do

Her - ok...


Basicly we are not broken up but she knows that, thats where im aiming, all i did is give her a chance to think about how she is acting and to get herself together knowing that if she doesnt itll be done for good.

funny though how when i hanged up she called me right back talking about why i hanged up so fast lol

 

[CharmaLeo]

"funny though how when i hanged up she called me right back talking about why i hanged up so fast lol"

Good, so you are on the right track. Don't let your guard down now.

 

[ikkenai]

Originally posted by Desdinova
Yeah, they're too scared to have some sense kicked into them

The attitudes of the people on this site was the exact same when I showed up. I posted something, and everyone took turns in kicking my ass. I could've turned around, cried, and went home. But I didn't. I stuck around, got my ass kicked into line, and now I do some of the ass kicking around here. It separates the people who don't want to do the work from people who do.

We hurt because we care! I've gotten harsh advice from this forum, but it's never been wrong.

 

[Sato21m]

u could still save the relationship just be a fvcking man let her do the chasing ,dont take any crap from her ex:

(talking loud to you, doing what ever she wants,demanding you all those things gives her ther power)


The solution is simple be a man in control and the bible is there use it to your advantage







What part of miami you at?

 

[Black Panther®]

im in miramar actually.

She doesn't get loud with me NEVER she doesnt even dare, and about doing what she wants to she only does that when she is by herself or her friends cause when she is with me, everything goes my way i mean everything, even the sex, sometimes ill feel generous and ill let her make a few calls here and there but Thats it.

Believe me im in charge of this RL. What she did today she has never done today, i kinda understand though, she has been talking about this project for a while and she is worried about not doing good in it, frustrated.

She asked me if i can help her with it so i said yeah.


But yeah like i said, everything goes my way in the RL, im in control of everything we do, and even somethings that she does on her own time, so aint non of that going down.

 

[Sato21m]

u should be in control of your feelings too and like newman said dont be the first to say anything like that future talk u had with her.
not offense when i was reading that,my gf came to my mind she is always brings that subject and she gets mad cause i start to make fun or tell her stuff to piss her off u should be doing the same man let her be the one who brings those subjects.

 

[MacDiddy]

Panther Bro... I'm glad to see that you got the power back, but don't rest on your laurels just yet, you gotta consolidate it. Here are a few points of the top of my head...

Stop worrying about her. It's does not neccessarily mean your not supporting her, but never get into the situation where you become her secretary. Let it be!!

Never call her till she calls you unless you have something important to say. And if you can't get her and left a message, never make sure she got it by calling back etc. just let it be!!!

Never show your frustration at her decisions. Let it be!! You have your own destiny and if she don't wanna come along for the ride... Next her... or better yet.. Let it be!

Start chatting up other girls. I know this sounds like your cheating but your intent doesn't. Start flirting with other girls.. You need to make sure your macking skills are still fresh... you'll be more valued by your gf..


Start livin' the DREAM my friends!!!!!!!

 

[NewMan]

Ok let me just say I'm not trying to bag on you.

**
I told her what you guys mentioned in this thread
**

**
ME - Sorry but i have to break up with you, its just not working, with all the disrispect towards me...(i forgat what else i told her, but some recent things that shes been doing, oh yah what she did today )

Her - (long silence) im sorry that for acting like that... im just frustrated with school and all that stress.

ME - Well now you'll have sometime to get yourself together and think. Call me back whenever you have decided about what you wanna do

Her - ok...
**

It my opinion that you never want to mention your getting outside advice.

Your the man remember. Which means your in control of every aspect of your life. You don't need sh#t from anyone (that's should be your attitude).


Question.

Why tell her your breaking up with her? Why not just do it?

Do you now right this second where you stand? or are you waiting for her to call you and tell you where you stand?

It's like the dog that keeps barking but never bites. Pretty soon you'll just ignore all of the barking.

The fact that she called you back straight away is a good sign. Let's hope she starts dealing with her "Stress" a little better.