Getting over Oneitis - A guide

[darksprezzatura]

What is Oneitis?

It's an unhealthy obsession/delusion with one particular female, who occupies your mind making you ruminate about her. Your mind feels as if she's the only woman who can make you happy.

Her flaws seem to not matter as much and neither does how she's treating you.

This could take the form of unreciprocated love, being dumped by someone you were already sleeping with, being friendzoned, being cheated on etc.

In essence, it's a form of rejection from her side, which impacts the guy hard enough to have physical manifestations.

What are the physical manifestations or symptoms of the same?

- Appetite loss
- Depression
- Inability to enjoy hobbies you did
- Loss of focus
- Intrusive and repetitive thoughts
- Loss of sleep


Why does this happen?

From the perspective of a hunter-gatherer tribal society, rejection from one person 'seems' to feel as rejection by the entire tribe to the body.

Her acceptance, feels to the body as being accepted back into the tribe, and one tries to keep contacting her in order to get things back to normal.

Ironically, this doesn't apply to modern life to this extent.
The body doesn't understand that there are millions of women out there in your reach who are probably better if not as good as her.

The body tries to punish you for the loss of investment you made into her, time, money, emotion etc.

It doesn't realise there are other tribes around you too.

I have faced this situation a couple of times in my life especially with women with some emotional or mental issues.

How to deal with Oneitis?

1. Go through the pain and the plan. If this is your first time dealing with this, trust me if you follow this, you'll be fine.

2. DO NOT CONTACT HER, remove everything that reminds you of her, that includes chats, pictures, social media.

3. Talk to other women, put on that charming smile, believe that there are better women out there.

4. Get into a constructive routine - working out, trying out new hobbies and activities, get involved with friends

5. You will be stronger than before at dealing with women as you progress. I promise you, you'll be fine.


P.S. I'm going through a mild case myself right now and it already feels like I'm hitting rock bottom, but from my experiences earlier in life, I know even this would pass.

 

[isasda66]

2. DO NOT CONTACT HER

Most important. When she reaches out be busy. Sooner or later she will get the message. NC managed to get one to chase me but then I realized she wasnt that special.

Hope you get through quickly and for that real special case get your victory fvck and drop her.

 

[Lynx nkaf]

What is Oneitis?

It's an unhealthy obsession/delusion with one particular female, who occupies your mind making you ruminate about her. Your mind feels as if she's the only woman who can make you happy.

Her flaws seem to not matter as much and neither does how she's treating you.

This could take the form of unreciprocated love, being dumped by someone you were already sleeping with, being friendzoned, being cheated on etc.

In essence, it's a form of rejection from her side, which impacts the guy hard enough to have physical manifestations.

What are the physical manifestations or symptoms of the same?

- Appetite loss
- Depression
- Inability to enjoy hobbies you did
- Loss of focus
- Intrusive and repetitive thoughts
- Loss of sleep


Why does this happen?

From the perspective of a hunter-gatherer tribal society, rejection from one person 'seems' to feel as rejection by the entire tribe to the body.

Her acceptance, feels to the body as being accepted back into the tribe, and one tries to keep contacting her in order to get things back to normal.

Ironically, this doesn't apply to modern life to this extent.
The body doesn't understand that there are millions of women out there in your reach who are probably better if not as good as her.

The body tries to punish you for the loss of investment you made into her, time, money, emotion etc.

It doesn't realise there are other tribes around you too.

I have faced this situation a couple of times in my life especially with women with some emotional or mental issues.

How to deal with Oneitis?

1. Go through the pain and the plan. If this is your first time dealing with this, trust me if you follow this, you'll be fine.

2. DO NOT CONTACT HER, remove everything that reminds you of her, that includes chats, pictures, social media.

3. Talk to other women, put on that charming smile, believe that there are better women out there.

4. Get into a constructive routine - working out, trying out new hobbies and activities, get involved with friends

5. You will be stronger than before at dealing with women as you progress. I promise you, you'll be fine.


P.S. I'm going through a mild case myself right now and it already feels like I'm hitting rock bottom, but from my experiences earlier in life, I know even this would pass.

2. I've been "x"ing out the days on a large wall calendar when I manage 24 hours no contact...more x's than spaces thank f×€k

3. The last part of three is so haunting-there will not be someone better-I just can't believe it.

Good plan, hang in there(want me to help you get her back? just kidding, that'd be cruel)

You're apart because SHE doesn't also have oneitis.

The part of letting oneitis sit with you, but somehow forgetting that they still have your contact info and could use it.... but they just don't. and won't.



Makes my heart yell and seize in my ribcage. This too, will pass.

 

[Robert28]

Most important. When she reaches out be busy. Sooner or later she will get the message. NC managed to get one to chase me but then I realized she wasnt that special.

Hope you get through quickly and for that real special case get your victory fvck and drop her.

Did you not respond when she reached out? You said you were busy so I didn’t know if you ignored her or what.

 

[Antonius_Pilate]

I find myself dealing with the same thing OP. Oneitis is a plague which, in the moment, seems to be never-ending. I found however, that reading the following article helps:

There is no One.

ONEitis is paralysis. You cease to mature, you cease to move, you cease to be you. There is no ONE. This is the soulmate myth. There are some good Ones and some bad Ones, but there is no ONE. Anyon…

therationalmale.com

 

[Lynx nkaf]

I find myself dealing with the same thing OP. Oneitis is a plague which, in the moment, seems to be never-ending. I found however, that reading the following article helps:

There is no One.

ONEitis is paralysis. You cease to mature, you cease to move, you cease to be you. There is no ONE. This is the soulmate myth. There are some good Ones and some bad Ones, but there is no ONE. Anyon…

therationalmale.com

hmmm,
he is right...might be kinder to convince your mate/ex that this is going to end one day rather than continue for a lifetime. Be saying and acting like this right from the beginning. For your own benefit to hear your own words said out loud.
Ha, I'm imagining clapping and rubbing your hands together like AMS on yt and saying something like "well, what do we have here? this is going to be a less than 18 month LTR, shall we begin?" right to their face, at the very beginning.
ugghhh, it would be the most realistic and honest thing to do.
I have never been this selfassured or confident. To be this searing or honest. I'm not sure its socially acceptable to drop truth bombs like this. So how do I detach?

This is why I keep studying here on this forum.

I'm probably going to reach a saturation point on this forum, reframe how I think about my ex and then suddenly feel peace again.
And thank you sincerely and respectfully for this increasing peace.

 

[darksprezzatura]

hmmm,
he is right...might be kinder to convince your mate/ex that this is going to end one day rather than continue for a lifetime. Be saying and acting like this right from the beginning. For your own benefit to hear your own words said out loud.
Ha, I'm imagining clapping and rubbing your hands together like AMS on yt and saying something like "well, what do we have here? this is going to be a less than 18 month LTR, shall we begin?" right to their face, at the very beginning.
ugghhh, it would be the most realistic and honest thing to do.
I have never been this selfassured or confident. To be this searing or honest. I'm not sure its socially acceptable to drop truth bombs like this. So how do I detach?

This is why I keep studying here on this forum.

I'm probably going to reach a saturation point on this forum, reframe how I think about my ex and then suddenly feel peace again.
And thank you sincerely and respectfully for this increasing peace.

My friend, I understand exactly where you are coming from.

The feeling of

- obsessing about the ex/plate
- ruminating about her and the good times
- finding yourself increasingly trapped by the "what ifs"

is the physiological response of your body, hormones and mind to get her acceptance back.

This happens due to believing that the "good feelings" you felt with her, went with her and no other woman can make you feel the same.

This is why plate spinning is advocated on this forum as it keeps your mind in check and lets you monitor her bad behaviour.

Hindsight is 20/20

Only when you are looking back, you'll realise how you could've done things differently once it's over.

Be grateful for this learning lesson, work on yourself, find new folks and never look back.

 

[isasda66]

Did you not respond when she reached out? You said you were busy so I didn’t know if you ignored her or what.

I ignored some and a few messages I just said "Cant not this week. I'm Busy".

Sometimes even if I wasnt busy I purposely ignored her or told her I was busy. Weirdly she suddenly wanted what she couldnt have.

 

[Lynx nkaf]

My friend, I understand exactly where you are coming from.

The feeling of

- obsessing about the ex/plate
- ruminating about her and the good times
- finding yourself increasingly trapped by the "what ifs"

is the physiological response of your body, hormones and mind to get her acceptance back.

This happens due to believing that the "good feelings" you felt with her, went with her and no other woman can make you feel the same.

This is why plate spinning is advocated on this forum as it keeps your mind in check and lets you monitor her bad behaviour.

Hindsight is 20/20

Only when you are looking back, you'll realise how you could've done things differently once it's over.

Be grateful for this learning lesson, work on yourself, find new folks and never look back.

Thank you Sir, appreciate your reply to me, sounds like you're healing quite nicely if you can advise this, time just has to pass. I am slothlike in meeting new people and like our friend Stringpuller just posted, maybe I have to look at my social life strength and health. Its finding the energy after working in a physical job all day. Keeping up with my personal health is amazingly beneficial too. (still not smoking, 1/2 month cutting out wheat products, walking minimum 10, 000 steps a day. Seeing a dietitian, controlling caffeine consumption, getting better, regular sleeps, drinking more natural spring water etc

 

[tony.shai]

What works for me is putting down the qualities that suck about her when I think about her. Also nothing beats hitting the gym when you feel it gets annoying. Also try to pump as much chicks in your life as possible. What I'd do is reconnect with as much female friends, plates etc. Go outside and get rejected 5, 10, 50 times.

 

[darksprezzatura]

What works for me is putting down the qualities that suck about her when I think about her. Also nothing beats hitting the gym when you feel it gets annoying. Also try to pump as much chicks in your life as possible. What I'd do is reconnect with as much female friends, plates etc. Go outside and get rejected 5, 10, 50 times.

The beautiful part about Oneitis is, other women sense this and want to get with you to measure if they can have a stronger effect on you.

The fact that your body is interested in only that "one girl" makes you nonchalant or aloof towards other women.

If you push yourself a little and interact with other women even if you don't feel like, you can land more plates when you didn't have oneitis.

Maybe this would be useful for whoever is reading this.

I like to keep posting my views because the brotherhood of this site has helped me grow as a person and as a DJ.

Peace

 

[darksprezzatura]

Gr

Thank you Sir, appreciate your reply to me, sounds like you're healing quite nicely if you can advise this, time just has to pass. I am slothlike in meeting new people and like our friend Stringpuller just posted, maybe I have to look at my social life strength and health. Its finding the energy after working in a physical job all day. Keeping up with my personal health is amazingly beneficial too. (still not smoking, 1/2 month cutting out wheat products, walking minimum 10, 000 steps a day. Seeing a dietitian, controlling caffeine consumption, getting better, regular sleeps, drinking more natural spring water etc

Way to go mate, you are well on your way towards a good life.

Cultivating your own life is the best remedy which is in your control apart from approaching more women.

 

[logicallefty]

I have to be honest, I'm going through a little bit of this right now myself. I kicked an 18 month LTR GF to the curb at the end of January for lying to me about a guy she was talking to online, and other red flags too. Made a thread about it. There were actually a lot of red flags, but the lying was the final kicker I dumped her for and what I made the thread about. I know she was bad for the long term but I am really missing the good days and the sex especially. I've been hitting the gym extra hard and even had two women in my bed since the end of January and I could not get it up either time cuz the new chicks were not 'her'. I'm 46 and have a lot of experience with women, but this one has been tough. Got another date this weekend so hopefully I can get snapped out of it.

 

[Glassguy]

Isnt it better to create immunity to something instead of getting it and then trying to treat the symptoms? I certainly think so.

*Understanding that you do not own a woman, its only your time to be fvcking her
*Realizing there are millions of women out there. If it doesnt work with ONE then go find 4 more
*Making sure that you are doing things to create and increase sexual attraction instead of doing things to lose it (keeps them chasing- they dont dump you when they are chasing you and seeking your validation)
*Self improvement- always trying to be a better person of yourself. If you are always her best option, why would she leave?
*Dont put your emotional and sexual future in the hands of one woman. This is why I am a rotation guy.

Sure break ups can be hard but we make them hard. Just because you go on a date or two doesnt mean that you will find someone equal to or better than what you lost, but you have to realize there is BETTER out there and certainly women that are BETTER for YOU.

The best defense is self defense. Motion creates emotion. Get back out there and get your swag back. Dont lose it the next time.

A younger me would have been a little more "upset" over losing a chick but I never was one to sit around and whine for very long. Having more "come and go" experiences, I realize more every day the things I listed above are far more important than sitting around wondering why things went wrong.

 

[darksprezzatura]

I have to be honest, I'm going through a little bit of this right now myself. I kicked an 18 month LTR GF to the curb at the end of January for lying to me about a guy she was talking to online, and other red flags too. Made a thread about it. There were actually a lot of red flags, but the lying was the final kicker I dumped her for and what I made the thread about. I know she was bad for the long term but I am really missing the good days and the sex especially. I've been hitting the gym extra hard and even had two women in my bed since the end of January and I could not get it up either time cuz the new chicks were not 'her'. I'm 46 and have a lot of experience with women, but this one has been tough. Got another date this weekend so hopefully I can get snapped out of it.

I appreciate you going out of your way to share you personal details.

I would just say you are on rhe right track and just keep talking to new women, improving your life.

That girl wasn't anywhere compared to you, you banged her, conquest over.

Now focus on what YOU want.
It's day 2 and I pang to contact the woman who ****ed me over but instead I'm talking to new women. Got 6 new phone numbers already.

It's not that difficult, the Oneitis feeling is a blessing because it makes you more aloof to new women and that's why you can spin more plates if you want if you were without Oneitis.

Are you comprehending what I'm saying?

 

[darksprezzatura]

Isnt it better to create immunity to something instead of getting it and then trying to treat the symptoms? I certainly think so.

*Understanding that you do not own a woman, its only your time to be fvcking her
*Realizing there are millions of women out there. If it doesnt work with ONE then go find 4 more
*Making sure that you are doing things to create and increase sexual attraction instead of doing things to lose it (keeps them chasing- they dont dump you when they are chasing you and seeking your validation)
*Self improvement- always trying to be a better person of yourself. If you are always her best option, why would she leave?
*Dont put your emotional and sexual future in the hands of one woman. This is why I am a rotation guy.

Sure break ups can be hard but we make them hard. Just because you go on a date or two doesnt mean that you will find someone equal to or better than what you lost, but you have to realize there is BETTER out there and certainly women that are BETTER for YOU.

The best defense is self defense. Motion creates emotion. Get back out there and get your swag back. Dont lose it the next time.

A younger me would have been a little more "upset" over losing a chick but I never was one to sit around and whine for very long. Having more "come and go" experiences, I realize more every day the things I listed above are far more important than sitting around wondering why things went wrong.

10/10 I agree mate, your inputs are invaluable and completely aligned to what I think.

Hope you're doing well, I'm sure I'll snap out of it, I'm already pursuing new women and I'm more testosteronized than before.

**** the people who make things hard for us, find folks who you can grow with and help grow.

 

[tony.shai]

It's not that difficult, the Oneitis feeling is a blessing because it makes you more aloof to new women and that's why you can spin more plates if you want if you were without Oneitis.

That's a great observation, I think there's a lot of truth to it. Since your brain is focused on one girl and you don't give a sh!t about others, you pretty much project that, which increases the attraction of other women since you have the IDGAF mentality which attracts them. It's a funny spiral, but happened to me recently as well.

 

[Hamurabimbi]

I got over it by getting on Tinder and sleeping with some of my matches. Worked.

 

[darksprezzatura]

That's a great observation, I think there's a lot of truth to it. Since your brain is focused on one girl and you don't give a sh!t about others, you pretty much project that, which increases the attraction of other women since you have the IDGAF mentality which attracts them. It's a funny spiral, but happened to me recently as well.

Exactly mate.

Though it's better to avoid oneitis by constantly plating new women and spinning plates.

But even if you get it, becoming aware about how it can be used as a superpower, albeit a painful superpower, helps.

Since I recognised I have a mild case of the same, I started hitting on over 10 girls an hour online and got some decent response.

I got over it by getting on Tinder and sleeping with some of my matches. Worked.

 

[Dash Riprock]

What is Oneitis?

It's an unhealthy obsession/delusion with one particular female, who occupies your mind making you ruminate about her. Your mind feels as if she's the only woman who can make you happy.

Her flaws seem to not matter as much and neither does how she's treating you.

This could take the form of unreciprocated love, being dumped by someone you were already sleeping with, being friendzoned, being cheated on etc.

In essence, it's a form of rejection from her side, which impacts the guy hard enough to have physical manifestations.

What are the physical manifestations or symptoms of the same?

- Appetite loss
- Depression
- Inability to enjoy hobbies you did
- Loss of focus
- Intrusive and repetitive thoughts
- Loss of sleep


Why does this happen?

From the perspective of a hunter-gatherer tribal society, rejection from one person 'seems' to feel as rejection by the entire tribe to the body.

Her acceptance, feels to the body as being accepted back into the tribe, and one tries to keep contacting her in order to get things back to normal.

Ironically, this doesn't apply to modern life to this extent.
The body doesn't understand that there are millions of women out there in your reach who are probably better if not as good as her.

The body tries to punish you for the loss of investment you made into her, time, money, emotion etc.

It doesn't realise there are other tribes around you too.

I have faced this situation a couple of times in my life especially with women with some emotional or mental issues.

How to deal with Oneitis?

1. Go through the pain and the plan. If this is your first time dealing with this, trust me if you follow this, you'll be fine.

2. DO NOT CONTACT HER, remove everything that reminds you of her, that includes chats, pictures, social media.

3. Talk to other women, put on that charming smile, believe that there are better women out there.

4. Get into a constructive routine - working out, trying out new hobbies and activities, get involved with friends

5. You will be stronger than before at dealing with women as you progress. I promise you, you'll be fine.


P.S. I'm going through a mild case myself right now and it already feels like I'm hitting rock bottom, but from my experiences earlier in life, I know even this would pass.

The degree of severity of Oneitis is in direct proportion to how one views him/herself in terms of their self worth and level of self esteem.

If someone has low self-worth, they will cling, hold on, plead, supplicate--anything really--to keep their partner. However, someone with a healthier self-concept will still feel Oneitis, though at a much lower level. So if you find yourself manifesting many of the physical signs OP listed (very true as I used to suffer from this--bad), the problem is in how you see yourself. Dating another woman will not help as you'll simply start the Oneitis process all over again. Like an alcoholic thinking a different brand of whiskey won't be as addictive.

You've heard it said millions of times on this site to work on yourself, and this is why it's so important. The more you gain confidence, self esteem, and improve your overall self worth, it's like building strong immunity against any nasty virus (Oneitis and related afflictions).

If anyone wants DIY tips on how to improve your level of self esteem and self worth, PM me. But please be serious, don't blow smoke, and don't waste my time.

Good luck.
~Dash~