Advice from the old lady:
The game changes as you move from keeping your options open & non exclusivity to being committed. Honestly that transition is not always smooth. You’ll have your awkward moments here & there. I’m kind of with
@Bingo-Player on this one. You’ve got to be considerate of her, but you come first. Your life goals and self respect come first. If that is not how you prioritize then your frame is always going to crumble.
If you come first then placating a woman will never be your purpose in life, and women will respect you and respond to you if you respect yourself first.
It’s easy to wear a mask and be emotionally unavailable and not let anybody in. In fact, many women who are drawn to that are damaged themselves and unable to emotionally connect either, so the aloof man is mysterious and yet safe because it means they don’t have to be real either and people keep walls up and use others rather than connecting.
Women who themselves cannot connect get scarce if a guy starts showing emotion. It’s like he’s gone wobbly and they scatter.
Which begs the question of what sort of women are you used to juggling? Women who are relationship caliber generally are not going to tolerate plate status very long.
So I’d advise close examination of what you attract and who you are trying to LTR with.
You want an open hearted woman who has an appreciation for your emotions and your humanity. And so you don’t need to be Marcus Aurelius in stature or stoic ness, but you don’t want to be an emotional mess either.
In December last year the woman my husband was in a LTR with before they broke up and he met me…she died of cancer. She hardly had told anyone she had cancer as it turned out. She was terminal when it was discovered and she was dead 2 months later. Tragic and shocking. My husband hadn’t had contact with her in more than 2 years but she is the first person intimately close to him in his life to die. He seemed somewhat contemplative about it; we went to her remembrance together and he shared some special moments about her. But he was pretty tight lipped.
Two days later he woke up literally sobbing. All this sorrow and pent up pain came pouring out. And for a few hours he was a mess. It was a grieving moment; a human moment. He wished he’d been more kind to her, he wished they had spoken (of course he hadn’t because he had moved on etc.). But it was tough in that moment for him.
This man is typically IDGAF about things, but he has let me in and I adore him for that. Even though I did not care for his ex he had at one time. In that moment I simply let him cry, let him talk about it; I listened and supported. It was a time to be a good wife by being a good human being.
What you want in a potential marriage prospect are those sorts of qualities. A woman who draws close emotionally as you draw closer. It’s a dance to be sure and at times we all misstep. You want a woman who is understanding and forgiving of your imperfections; of your humanity.
Notice those qualities are not shallow and have little to do with looks. Find an attractive girl, sure, but look deeper. Shallow self absorbed women are not the ticket when life’s tough things happen. And with a family they happen.
