G/F won't tell ex about me.....

[netman]

I hope I can post this without sounding like an AFC.

Me and my g/f have been going together for almost a year, we love each other, I'm getting over my jealousy and trust issues from being burned in the past, and everything's going great, but there's just one problem. Before me and her hooked up, she was in a long term relationship with this guy for about 5 years. They even had plans to get married and stuff. They had a very argumentative relationship with poor communication and everything. They used to break up, get back together, break up, get back, and you get the point.

Anyhow, he signed up to the Navy and before he left she broke up with him again. So when me and her hooked up she was kind of on the rebound and she told me the whole scoop of what happened between her and him. It's been a few months that we've told each other we love each other and stuff, and we get closer and closer by the day, but he still calls her from overseas at least once a week and he writes her e-mails telling her about how he misses her and how they're going to get back together when he gets back. Since she's very open and honest with me, I try to be understanding and not flip out, but I'm upset that as close as we are, she doesn't want to tell him about us. She wants to wait until he comes back, which is towards the end of this summer.

She says that she doesn't want to hurt his feelings since he's alone overseas, but I tried to tell her that it seems that she's more concerned with his feelings then with mine. She says that I should trust her, but I don't know. I trust her and I believe that she truly loves me, but I feel like she should tell him ASAP so that he doesn't come back with the hope in his eyes that they're going to get back together. I think it's worst on him making him wait all this time just to tell him the news. She says that she tells him that they're not going to be together and yadda, yadda, yadda, but my point is that they've broken up so many times that those words don't mean anything to him. I've been very close to giving her an ultimatum to tell him about us or I'd leave, but then she throws in my face that if I trusted her this shouldn't be an issue. What should I do? SHOULD I give her an ultimatum? It's bothers me more and more everyday, and I'm slowly forcing myself to pull away because of this. Should I "let her go, and if it was meant to be she'll come back?"

 

[STR8UP]

I'm all for having trust in a relationship, but this chick needs to ditch the other dude, that just ain't right.

She's with YOU now, and some other dude still thinks he's "in"? Put your foot down man.

 

[ultrashogun]

Yeah you need to force her to tell him or throw her away.

 

[am4591]

I hope I'm wrong but it sounds like she's keeping you around until he gets back, then she'll find some reason to dump you.

She wants you to trust her but that's the last thing you should do. She's keeping you a secret from him, how many secrets do you think she's keeping from you? If it were me, I'd either get rid of her immediately or maybe just have fun with her for now while being prepared for her to return to him later--in other words, keep other girls in the wings.

 

[RazzleDazzle]

It does sound like she is using you until that guy gets back. WTF? She doesn't want to tell him because it'll hurt his feelings. THink about when he gets back and he wants a kiss from her. If she says no, holy crap that's going to hurt him bad. REALLY BAD. But what if she wants him back??? 5 years is a long time and a lot of memories. I'd be vary watchful my friend. Put your foot down because one of you guys is going to get burned, just hope it's not you.

YOu probably have a lot of feelings for this girl, too. It might suck but you better find out what she is going to do with that other guy. Better to find out now, then later. It allows the healing to start earlier, so you can get over it and move on earlier in your life. Anyways you don't want to be wasting time with a chick who is playing you.

They are heartless vicious people. Funny how when you care about her she brakes your heart. But if you didn't really care about her it's her heart that gets broken. It just proves what my philosophy teacher taught me, in every relationship there is a victim, and an assassin. Be the Assassin bud.

 

[G_S]

I totally don't like where this is going. Her refusing to tell him is a red flag. I too get the feeling she's just keeping you around until he gets back. I think either way she's going to get back with him eventually. Five years? Come on, it's hard to wipe away your feelings for someone after dating that long. I'd give her her options, plain and simple, and probably dump her.

 

[Quick]

Her reason for not telling him is BS. If she really has no intention of getting back with him, then letting him think he has a chance for months on end is more cruel than telling him the truth.

Trust has nothing to do with it either. You know that if there was some girl that thought you were her boyfriend, she'd demand that you tell the girl otherwise. She wouldn't care how the girl felt either, she'd demand that the truth was told. Be very suspicious of a girl that wants you to put up with situations she wouldn't put up with herself. I'd lay it out to her one more time, then start looking elsewhere if she won't agree. Trust is something that's built up over time through actions, and her actions don't call for trust.

 

[G_S]

Originally posted by Quick
Be very suspicious of a girl that wants you to put up with situations she wouldn't put up with herself.

Excellent advice!

Originally posted by Quick
Trust is something that's built up over time through actions, and her actions don't call for trust.

Exactly, your trust should be earned. This "take my word for it" crap isn't cutting it, IMO.

 

[becker]

There's an important lesson to be learned here. First of all, the dreaded "trust me". There's always an escape hatch to this, because you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Suppose you trust her, which is probably the lesser of the two evils. When the ex-BF comes back, she'll still have another escape hatch since you really have nothing to say if she just gets back together with him because what are you going to do, hold her to her "trust me" and make her stay with you against her will?

To me, there is little you can do except to just make her see that you're superior to this guy. As long as you're better, she will not leave you for him, but if there's a void in your relationship that the ex-BF can fill, she might be tempted.

 

[netman]

Wow, all this advise is a wake up call to me. What am I thinking? Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't put me first?

I do trust her, and I try every day to show that I trust her, but it's definitely not about trust but about respect. Somehow, I'm going to find a way to tell her this weekend. I don't want to give her an ultimatum, but I think that the next time she says I love you and she says something about why I don't say it back, I'll tell her that I'm not feeling it because of the situation. In other words, I think I'll show that my affection level towards her will suffer until she does tell him about us. You guys think this is the right thing to do?

 

[trajhenkhet]

bro, I've been where your at and believe me you gotta lay it down and be as firm as a rock on it.

 

[MR_PERFECT]

Netman, your last post was funny. No matter what we tell you, you are only paying attention to the parts you want to hear. What's with this, I'm going to wait for her to say, "I love you", so I don't say it back? It's bs and you know it.

She doesn't love you. Even if she did, she loves the Ex more. She will either leave you for him, or cheat on you with him. You have to grow a set and tell her it's over. This is the only time you will be able to get a little revenge for what she has been doing and will eventually do.

 

[Quick]

Originally posted by netman
Wow, all this advise is a wake up call to me. What am I thinking? Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't put me first?

I do trust her, and I try every day to show that I trust her, but it's definitely not about trust but about respect. Somehow, I'm going to find a way to tell her this weekend. I don't want to give her an ultimatum, but I think that the next time she says I love you and she says something about why I don't say it back, I'll tell her that I'm not feeling it because of the situation. In other words, I think I'll show that my affection level towards her will suffer until she does tell him about us. You guys think this is the right thing to do?

Your plan sound really passive-aggressive. Basically you're planning to sulk around till she notices, and then you're going to have it out with her. No offense, but that's something a girl would do if she was mad. If that's the plan, why not just cut out the waiting and talk to her about it immediately.

Showing her that how you feel about her is connected to her actions is actually not a bad idea. However, withholding the words "i love you" doesn't change anything. Those are just words, and this whole scene is about the fact that actions speak louder than words. If you want to show her that her actions have impact, stop seeing her until she decides who's feelings are more important.

 

[TesuqueRed]

A "Dear John" letter is a time-honored tradition.

 

[bp1974]

the next time she says I love you and she says something about why I don't say it back, I'll tell her that I'm not feeling it because of the situation. In other words, I think I'll show that my affection level towards her will suffer until she does tell him about us. You guys think this is the right thing to do?

No, it's childish and immature.

If she took your relationship seriously, she would tell the ex about you. You need to let her know, straight up, that that is how you see it. For as long as she keeps him in the dark about you, it's obvious that she is not putting her relationship with you first. When a girl is really over a guy, she doesn't care about his feelings so much that she won't tell him it's over. This 'trust' thing is just a load of chaff, designed to obscure what's really going on and to get you to feel like the bad guy, when you're not. Would you even consider acting this way to her?

If people aren't treating you the way you want to be treated you have to let them know that you will walk. She's doesn't have to do what you want, she's under no obligation to 'make' you happy. But if you let her know clearly how you see things and that you won't put up with being treated like this, and she still doesn't tell him, then you finally know where you stand with her, and you can walk away. I guess that's what you're afraid of, and I can understand that, but it's the only course of action for any self-respecting man.

bp1974

 

[quasimoto]

i don't see a good ending coming out of this situation. you have been with this girl for how long? and her ex still doesn't know about you??? she's not being respectful of you, and she is not being respectful of her ex. her ex has probably had hope of getting back with her the entire time you have been dating. how do you think he is going to feel if he finds out about you? if you stop listening to her words, and start listening to her actions only what is she saying? i don't care if she says trust me. someone told me to never trust someone who says "trust me"; if you can trust someone they don't have to tell you "trust me". i think she is saying "trust me to string both of you along until i decide what i want, then one of you will be dropped" she wants her cake and wants to eat it too. GOD WOMEN CAN BE EVIL!!! don't be that guy. i think you should bust her balls the first chance you get. don't listen to her reaction. say what you need to say, pretend to listen to her response, then leave. if she starts acting different you might have a keeper. good luck bro.

 

[Ser_i]

okay, you have been with her for almost a year now and she STILL hasn't told her ex about you ?

you need to grab yourself together, don't think about her, I know it sounds evil but it's either YOU or the EX who will suffer or be in pain if she takes the decision.


she's been 5 years with him, so that explains why she is acting weird in not telling him yet, but it is not a good sign towards you. if she truly wants to be with you she would have told her ex long ago. and them talking once a week, and e-mails.. come on people. ex means over.. past..

I wouldn't take it, and you shouldn't either. Just tell it to her, and if she does not give you a clear answer don't listen any further cause she'll mess with your brain.


what ever choice you make. good luck man

 

[drixsa]

netman-

sit down and talk to this girl

tell her she has to end it with the navy man or you have to end it with her

but you have to be willing to walk away, one month or one year

you have put too much stock into this girl, the wool is still covering your eyes

 

[( . )( . )]

netman you have a disease which effects the eyes, alot of first time posters seem to get it, its called selective seeing or SS
wake up and smell the seamen spattered on your chicks face when sailor steve gets back.

btw all these replies but ive noticed this guys still in the dark , anyone think to enlighten him?, like that saying give a man a fish blah blah
NETMAN READ AND READ AND READ
you obviously need to, seeing somebody or not, im seeing way too many reocurring words in your posts

relationship
trust
love
honesty
......brrrrrrrrrrrrrrwiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnggggggggggg
all keywords which are great indicators of you about to be fvcked in the a$$.

anyways dont know whether you know yet but your entire post is about YOU
your concerns and fears with the flakyness of this chick is just a side product of YOU. (can i be any more vague?, dunno not even sure if i fully understand it yet LOL)

ps. goodluck with.....yourself

 

[netman]

Reading back at what I posted, I definitely sounded like a major AFC but I woke up from that and I was very firm about not being happy and possibly ending the relationship.

To make a long story short, she FINALLY told him about us last night. And she was like, "I was surprised. He cried a little, but at the end he took it like a man." That's what I've been trying to tell her all this time!!! The guy is not a little boy and that he's going to move on and get over this.

Now I feel weird because I thought I'd be happy once she told him but I'm not; almost the opposite. Maybe I'm feeling resentment towards her for taking so long to tell him. I'm trying to be positive about this, but it's kind of hard right now. Should I just be happy that she did it, move on and be happy or should I have one last argument about this? We definitely do have a good relationship, and she does treat me like a king, but at the same time I really want to get this off my chest with her, about taking so damn long to tell him.