FR: Post Lay Problems

AlwaysExcel

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As I left HBMischevious this last weekend (SEE my LR: Drowning Out One-itis), she was all affectionate and hinted that I should call her when I got home. I didn’t call but wondered about calling after sex. I read some thread on Sosuave.net with a bunch of KJ advice that got me thinking in her frame for a minute. Like “awww, poor girl is probably wondering why I haven’t called and is feeling sad.” But then I got busy and so didn’t call her till Tuesday night.

She sounded matter of fact as usual and we chatted for a bit. I tried to get some rapport but it didn’t get too deep. I asked her to shoot pool with me on Wednesday but she counter offered with Thursday because she worked late Wednesday. I accepted as I was free Thursday as well. I no longer stress the whole “acting busy” thing. I’m busy enough and have an exciting life. No need to fake it.

I regretted asking her to go on a date with me rather than just coming over to visit. I wanted to make her into a fvck buddy not necessarily someone I take on dates. So that was the first frame control issue.

I had told her that we’d go out around 8:30 and I’d call her a little before that to come over to my house. I called her at 8:30 to tell her I was meeting her at her house since my bro had the flu. She was like, “we’re going to X-Bar.” I was surprised so my teasing wasn’t that funny. I just laughed and said, “Oh, so you’re taking control huh?” She said that she thought I was going to call way earlier and so had called her friend. Her friend wanted to come out too and they just decided on a bar to meet since they didn’t know where I was planning to go. Obviously a bunch of guilt trip BS. Now, in a normal date situation, I would’ve been like “have fun with your friend.” However, I felt that this would be a good way to get out of the date frame and back into a more casual frame. We’d hang out with the friend and then I’d take her home and fvck her. The change of plans should’ve tipped me off that things would go awry. I did make HB promise to sing a song to entertain me since it was karaoke night.

We get to the bar and start drinking. I find out that there are no pool tables and HB doesn’t like pool that much. I bust on her a bit but it was kinda ineffective. Then HB refuses to sing karaoke and tells me she promised to sing…at the table. I’m like whatever and talk and joke around with the girls for a bit. Sometimes I’d also sit there all aloof, watching the room with a bored expression on my face. HB even asked if I was bored but wouldn’t do anything when I told her to entertain me.

Then HB talked to a couple dudes and gave one of her old co-workers her number. I don’t give a shyt since I don’t care if she fvcks other people. But I felt that it was a bit of a shyt test and the frame was deteriorating even more. So I left the table and approached a couple girls myself. When I came back, HB asked me if I knew them. I just smiled and said, “ I do now!” I also took out my cell and checked my messages. She asked whether I had anyone important to call. I just laughed and said “wouldn’t you like to know!”

I did kiss HB a bit at the table. Maybe that was a mistake since affection should be a reward but sitting there like an asexual girlfriend or non-dominant AFC is not good either. She sucked the hell out of my tongue.

Eventually, midnight rolled around and I told HB that it was time to go. Her friend had ordered another pitcher though and HB didn’t want to go. Then she mentioned that her bedtime is 1AM. I said, “that’s why we should go now!” HB informed me that I “wasn’t getting any” tonight since it was a school night and she had to get up to jog at 5 in morning. (Riiiight, so that’s why you want to stay and drink another pitcher with your friend)

I then froze her out hard. She started looking at me, acting worried, asking me if I was mad, and even began licking my ear. I told her that I was disappointed and displeased since she wasn’t giving me the TLC I wanted. She tried to guilt trip me about not calling hours before the date, about acting shady about the situation, about how she can only hook up on the weekends, about getting up early, I just cut her off and told her that these were reasons why we should leave now. I guilt tripped her back about not being able to trust her (the pool and karaoke) and told her that I visit my out of town friends on the weekends so the only time I can meet up is during the week. She asked if she could call me next week. I told her that she’d have to sweet talk me because I was displeased. After 10 minutes of this, I said “drink up because I’m leaving in 5 minutes.” She said she was staying with her friend. So I put on my coat. She blew me a kiss and I just said “buh-bye” and walked off.
 

AlwaysExcel

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It’s really weird but girls I have sex with start treating me with less respect after sex. I feel like I’m often in the classic female position because a lot of my sexual experiences have left me feeling used. What I mean is that the girls act like I’m a conquest and they act bored with me once we’ve fvcked. They’ll be all affectionate post-sex but when I try to meet up with them afterward, they have more important things to do. If we do meet up again afterward, they’ll act more interested in other people (friends, guys, ex’s) than in me. I haven’t gotten any repeat sex from any of my seductions.

They’ll talk to me on the phone and return my calls, so it’s not like they’re totally repulsed by me. I don’t call girls that much. I usually contact all of my girls about once a week. So I know I’m not acting desperate or needy, especially compared to the average guy. I don’t even dwell on the sex or make a big deal of it. Hell, some of the girls know that I seduce other women and some have even seen me makeout with other girls.

The vibe I get is that my value plummets after sex. The only reasons I can think of are 1) I’m not yet that good at sex (which is true) and/or 2) I’m not sufficiently manipulating their emotions. (But damn I stimulated their emotions enough to have sex!) 3) I’m letting my game go to shyt after sex because I feel like I can chill back more once I’ve fvcked the girl (possibly being incongruent), and/or 4) they are all fvcking me for validation. The last option is of course more palatable to me because it implies that I do have value. :) I don’t play a very hardcore validation game during the seduction though....

It bums me out for obvious validation reasons but also because I make an effort to be cool to them after sex. I genuinely enjoy cuddling, post sex rapport, and affectionate kino. I feel weary at the thought of playing validation games after sex. I purposely avoid getting too into validation dynamics during seduction because it makes me feel paranoid and restricted. But these women are irritating me. Hell, this week I also left a message on my one-it is’ machine just telling her my new cell number and instructing her to call or e-mail me. She e-mails me back saying that she’s assuming from my message that I forgot she was going out of town this weekend! Rejection usually doesn’t piss me off much but being rejected before I even made an offer is ****ing arrogant!

I always felt that seduction should be about ****ing AND keeping a girl around. I guess that desire just goes back to my own insecurity about my value. “If I was valuable enough, all the girls would treat me better and would all want a LTR with me, regardless of my desire for an LTR.” I should probably work the validation angle a bit and make them realize that they could lose this value. But like I mentioned earlier, I don’t act needy. With the last girls I ****ed, I didn’t contact them for 2-3 days after sex. They never contacted me. So it’s like my perceived value is now too low to play validation games.


Part of the problem is that I lose the frame with these girls. Some of them seem to have subtly or not-so subtly shyt tested me after sex. Like they’ll act cold when I interact with them afterward or they’ll try to take over the post lay plans or complain about the plans. So maybe it’s not about my value. Maybe they’re just insecure about whether they ****ed an alpha and when they test me I don’t respond appropriately. Hell, some shyt test me more after sex than before! Maybe my problem is thinking that sex somehow changes things. Maybe I should game like the sex never happened. I hesitate to say that I’m incongruent because, as I mentioned, I ‘m not super focused on blocking shyt tests and playing validation games before sex. I should experiment with pulling back the kino, watching for shyt tests, qualifying before rapport when I contact them again. I need to also work on sexual tension and keeping that tension going after sex.


Some of MrSex4UNYC’s posts on ASF got me thinking about my own value and how stressing about “harem” maintenance is retarded since they can be replaced. Last weekend made it real to me how these women are replaceable. They need to get with my program. Hell, tonight I flaked on the club girl I made out with last weekend since she refused to travel to my town. Sure, coming to a strange guy’s house in another town is dangerous but I don’t feel like traveling tonight for some random girl.

So a handful of these chicks, including my one-itis and HBMischevious, aren’t getting any more calls for dates from me. If HBMischevious ever calls me back, I’m going to lay it out to her how she can be my lover but that I have rules. No changing plans or inviting people along unless she asks me first, no guilt trips, and none of this “you aren’t getting any tonight” BS. Sex is a natural part of our evenings of fun. If she’s not down with that, then she doesn’t have to spend time with me. She can be in the friendzone. I hate getting all serious and stern with girls before sex and prefer C&F but after we’ve fvcked, I’m not putting up with any of this shyt. Maybe this is just my anger and frustration speaking and will be ineffective but I’m testing it out. I want to learn how to handle girls properly but at the same time I’d rather sarge new girls than put up with this crap.
Just another learning phase I guess.
 

golf299

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too long buddy....too long--no one's wants to read all that
 

becker

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I've experienced this in some form, and to me, it's sort of a test to see if you can prevent yourself from being all whipped and control yourself from wanting sex all the time. I believe this is the whole clingy and needy stuff that seems to be the turnoff for most women. Some guys can turn into spineless lumps of jelly after sex, even more so than girls.
 

AlwaysExcel

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Thanks for the reply Becker. Have you conquered this? If so, how do you act after sex? How do you treat them? Anything in your own behavior that you have to watch for? I know this is ultimately about becoming unneedy rather than just acting unneedy but I thought that I am pretty unneedy.
Thanks!
 

becker

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It's funny, because I think unfortunately the key to this is very difficult. You have to not like sex that much, and be more into giving to the girl than taking for yourself.

For example, this last girl I was with I would use my hands on her and not expect anything (it's funny because that stuff turns me on more so than other guys, even to the point of me being able to look past sex). I'd do it a few times, and after a while, the girl will find the urge to start doing stuff to you, sort of to return the favor.

Anyhow, the bottom line is this. If you're really that good in bed to the point where it was super memorable, then you're in much better shape than if you sucked. The reason is that girls aren't going to be as likely to want to have sex with a guy who's bad, but the guy will always want sex, regardless of how good the girl is, generally, right? Brush up on your skills and you'll have an easier time. I just broke up with this girl, but it was clear that she wanted that physical stuff still, but it's awkward sometimes, because if you're just hooking up with a girl for the fun of it, most girls don't want to feel like they're doing anything wrong, and I don't know a good way around that. If you can figure out a way to make them feel like what they're doing is no big deal, then please let me know.
 

DeathDealer

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I don't like reading god damn long posts so I'm just going to read the replies to the suckers that actually read this.

Gonna guess it has something to do with the "after sex" and how the girl treats you. Well it's like this buddy:

Girls give sex to guys that give affection/care.

Apparently you didn't do a great job in the affection/care department by "playing it cool"

For a "playing it cool" kinda guy - you seem like a drama crybaby.
 

AlwaysExcel

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Originally posted by DeathDealer
I don't like reading god damn long posts so I'm just going to read the replies to the suckers that actually read this.

Gonna guess it has something to do with the "after sex" and how the girl treats you. Well it's like this buddy:

Girls give sex to guys that give affection/care.

Apparently you didn't do a great job in the affection/care department by "playing it cool"

For a "playing it cool" kinda guy - you seem like a drama crybaby.
So you didn't want to waste your time reading my long post, but you wasted your time replying to it??? Damn dude, you really dodged a bullet there! You should be glad I didn't get over on you like the rest of these "suckers."


The reason this forum has shyt for content is because people sit around posting pointless stuff. If you had actually read my post, you'd see that these girls are treating me like a conquest and are emotionally cold to me in the days after sex, while I'm the affectionate one.

The essence of being a keyboard jockey: spitting out canned seduction principles to look cool rather than paying attention to actual experiences. Think about it.
 

golf299

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dude, the problem is that no one cares that much about your problem to want to read all that nonsense. be pithy and your results will be much more rewarding...
 

AlwaysExcel

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Yeah Becker, I figure that I need to get better at stimulating their bodies and emotions. But that means practice with a lot of similar experiences.

On a side note, HBMischevious left me a message last night where she sounded all sad, hoped I wasn't still unhappy with her, and invited me to this party. I'm going to call her back on Monday and give her the rundown on my rules. We'll see what happens.

As far as girls making a big deal out of sex, are you having problems with last minute resistance or excessive attachment after sex?
 

AlwaysExcel

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Originally posted by golf299
dude, the problem is that no one cares that much about your problem to want to read all that nonsense. be pithy and your results will be much more rewarding...
I'm not here to entertain anyone, especially people who sit on forums all day complaining about the format of posts. If you don't want to read my post, don't reply to it. I don't give a shyt. I take all advice here with a huge grain of salt anyhow. My posts are only partly for advice/input and partly to share my experiences.

If you want short and sweet, reply to those posts that say, "This one girl in my class crossed her legs while looking at me. What do I dooooo?"
 

becker

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Originally posted by AlwaysExcel


As far as girls making a big deal out of sex, are you having problems with last minute resistance or excessive attachment after sex?
What do you mean last minute resistance or excessive attachment after sex? Do you mean by the girl or you?
 

AlwaysExcel

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I meant, is the girl giving last minute resistance or is she excessively attached after sex. Sorry I wasn't clear.
 

becker

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The main problem for me as of late is that the girl wants to hook up, but she is inhibited, and lets her morals take over. Haven't had the excessive attachment after sex though.
 

DeathDealer

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wow you are so brave to call me a keyboard jockeyist. you are still a clueless dipsh1t, did you know that?
 

Jager_Boy

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Do people really need this much help in real life?
 

AlwaysExcel

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Righteous! I called HB back. Told her that I was still displeased. Said that I liked her and wanted her to be more than a one night stand. Told her that in order for me to want her to be my lover, I wanted certain things to happen. I don't want her inviting people along or changing plans without asking me first. That's disrespectful. I also said that I don't like people playing games with sex. We're both attracted to each other and it's ridiculous to play games like that. I said that if she's not down with it than we don't need to be hanging out.

She put up no argument or BS. She admitted that she wasn't behaving right and apologized. I forgave her and told her that I was glad she felt that way. She said that she wasn't looking for anything serious now though. I told her not to get ahead of herself. I said that she doesn't have girlfriend status. Just because we had sex once isn't going to make me want her to be my GF. I said, "not to sound arrogant but GF status is earned." She laughed.

We chatted about other stuff for a bit and I ended it by telling her that I am glad that she's down with what I'm down with. She said, "it's all good!" I'm expecting a shyt test next time we go out but now she knows that I'll walk.
 

AlwaysExcel

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Originally posted by DeathDealer
wow you are so brave to call me a keyboard jockeyist. you are still a clueless dipsh1t, did you know that?
Dude, you come into my thread, disrespect me by not reading what I wrote, give some flippant cookie cutter advice that doesn't even apply to my situation, and then get all hurt when I call you on it. I can understand your embarassment but you're only making yourself look bad by lashing out like that. You need to relax!
 

AlwaysExcel

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Originally posted by Jager_Boy
Do people really need this much help in real life?
If you're referring to my situation, yes I am not a seduction master. Please give me the help rather than just wasting space with rhetorical questions.

Seriously people, the quality of these forums would spike if we only posted constructive field backed comments, experience based questions, and field reports.
 

AlwaysExcel

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Originally posted by becker
The main problem for me as of late is that the girl wants to hook up, but she is inhibited, and lets her morals take over. Haven't had the excessive attachment after sex though.
Do searches for LMR, ASD, and Qualifying on mASF. I'm working on qualifying more myself. I've pushed a lot for escalation and have been amazed at how easy it is escalate quickly. However, I'm now seeing that a frame where I reward the girl with affection and kisses is better. I kissed this girl after we connected and then framed it to her later that I go out with girls, see if I dig their vibe, and then kiss them when I do. I then semi-planned sex with her by asking her 3 days before this party to come to my house afterward so I could get to know her away from the crowd the next day. There was only token LMR that night.
 
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