For our more mature residents

[Aztec]

Hey guys! I just want to ask simple yet complicated question.

I'm dating this real cute woman that I originally met in 2000. She was my classmate in one of my college courses. We went out on dates on and off back then. It didn't work out; our communications just faded away. I can definitely blame my lack of DJ skills back then (that was my pre-sosuave.com membership) and her lack of relationship experience. I was 30 and she was 20.

In the last month, I reattached my balls, gathered some courage and called her. Lo and behold, boom! Sparks-a-flying! So far everything is going well. She has matured since the last time I spoke with her 3 years ago. Hey she was practically out of highschool back then.

Now here's the dilemma...I haven't mentioned to her that I'm a recovering addict. Been clean for almost a month, no relapse and hell no I'm not touching that sht again! (I have my reasons and higher power for support).

I think you know where I'm heading here.

How can I disclose this info without scaring off? I would really appreciate it if you rationalize your answers.

THANK YOU SO MUCH IN ADVANCE!

 

[Snatchmaster]

Don't Fvcking tell her until you have to. If you were IV user, then you better make sure you don't got the hiv, but otherwise -- keep your goddamn mouth shut!

Always good to have some mystery, but you never tell the bad stuff - oh, btw, my last relationship was with a ****er spaniel...

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Only tell the woman that you ask to marry you about your past/present weakness, if she sees you as beyond that which you described then she'll accept you as you are knowing that you have the possibility or greater likelihood to revert to your degraded animal existence!!

Tell this girl nothing unless she brings it up! It is too early in the game to spill your guts!!!!

 

[Aztec]

Thanks for the advice Snatchmaster and PuertoRican_Lover. Even my sister told me not to tell her since it is still very early in the relationship.

 

[ER!C L!VE]

I haven't drank in 7 years.

Girls ask me why I don't drink and I tell them that it was a problem in my life and I decided to quit. I leave it at that.

They don't need to know the details.

If you're in a program like AA, then don't act like those people do. Don't go around telling everyone you meet that you used to do drugs/drink and now you stopped, so everything is better.

That shyt doesn't need to be talked about with anyone besides other addicts.

Just talk like a normal person around her. Don't go into details about your past and how you did all this stupid shyt when you were drinking/using.

Stay positive, be cool, talk like a normal person. Not some guy who lives in the past talking about his past (like oh so many people in recovery do)

That's why I don't hang around recovering addicts.. All they wanna talk about is war stories of their using days.

Talking about this type of shyt is living in the past, negative, and alienates you from people who haven't been there and done that.

You quit your drug use, now live normal, happy life and talk about positive goals, future plans.

JUST DON'T TALK LIKE ONE OF THOSE AA PEOPLE AROUND HER!

Eric

 

[cave dweller]

no

Don't talk about that shvt now.
Don't even bring it up.
Just get to know her.
Years ago I used to be a wino and lived in the bars 7 nights a week, I never talk about it.

cave dweller

 

[Aztec]

I'm afraid it's going to slip anytime. Believe me guys I don't anything to f-up this potentially LTR material. I have to be cognizant to what's coming out of my mouth, I'll do it. That's why I don't even want to drink something that may alter my mood(a.k.a. "liquid courage") when I with her.

 

[NewMan]

Don't give up this information - but don't hide it either.

If it comes up tell her you used to have an issue in the past. And move the topic along.

Don't lie about it intentionally though.

It's definitely not something you want to tell just anybody - but don't be ashamed either.

 

[Aztec]

Originally posted by NewMan
Don't give up this information - but don't hide it either.

If it comes up tell her you used to have an issue in the past. And move the topic along.

Don't lie about it intentionally though.

It's definitely not something you want to tell just anybody - but don't be ashamed either.

Man, of course I'm ashamed of it. Yes it's a disease but I F'd up. Just glad that I didn't go to the brig.

I just wont disclose this info openly.

I'm greatful for your advice though and everyone who wrote back.


Aztec

 

[Alpine]

Are you catholic or something?

The way you're talking sounds like you will 'accidently' let it slip.

Something that maybe you are unconscious of is trying to spill the beans.

The question you need to ask yourself is why that might be.

For instance, it could be that if she knows and accepts it you will feel more sure that she will stay with you, or maybe if she knew about it, it would be OK to relapse.

Or I could be just talking a load of b0llocks.

Good luck.

 

[Aztec]

Originally posted by Alpine
Are you catholic or something?

The way you're talking sounds like you will 'accidently' let it slip.

Something that maybe you are unconscious of is trying to spill the beans.

The question you need to ask yourself is why that might be.

For instance, it could be that if she knows and accepts it you will feel more sure that she will stay with you, or maybe if she knew about it, it would be OK to relapse.

Or I could be just talking a load of b0llocks.

Good luck.

Actually I am catholic. I don't see the relevance though.

The relationship is fairly new, even though I've known her since 2000. I just don't want to be in a relationship that is built on lies.

Right now I'm really leaning towards on not telling her yet until we have build a stronger foundation.

One big thing that I haven't mentioned on this post is that I loss my job due to that and fortunately I saved enough money to cover a couple months. Now that fact is hard to cover up. Sooner or later she is bound to find that out. I'm in a field that it is easy to find and keep a job and I may have to find work outside of the field for now -- maybe for several months.

Please any suggestions on that second matter?

Thanks!

 

[biker_gixxer]

Now that fact is hard to cover up

Why are you even trying to cover it up? You afraid of what she may say? If so, why? By doing this you're putting her in the position of power, your putting her above yourself. You're not trying to qualify yourself to her are you? Big mistake bro...


Sooner or later she is bound to find that out.

Who cares, let her find out. Who the hell is she that you have to go around and hide who you are? If she has a problem with it, guess what...


I'm in a field that it is easy to find and keep a job and I may have to find work outside of the field for now

So stop caring what this girl thinks and do what you have to do. As men, this is what we do.

When it comes time to talk about it, I would take ER!C L!VE's advice. Also, read disciple's posts on BECOMING A KING. Hell, read it twice if you have to. Good Luck.

 

[Big Pappy]

So, it comes down to "Will the girl still like me after she finds out that I've had problems being human in the past?"

There are several things that you need to know.

Yes it's a disease but I F'd up.

It is not a disease, I don't care what those bleeding heart liberals tell you. It is a weakness that got the best of you. Bad decision, followed by bad decision. It can just as easily happen to me as to anybody else on this forum. Or her. What may have occured in her past?

Try, try, TRY to remember that you are not seeing this girl with the idea of marriage, love or even gratuitous sex. You are seeing this girl because it's a fun time when you're with her. She has fun, you have fun- you both have fun together.

You're trying so very hard to do things right, that you are setting yourself up for self destruction. There are personality characteristics that many people have that provide them with this odd ability to get right where they need to be to be sitting on top of the world without a care, and then they get drunk and rob a bank or some other silly thing.

Don't worry about your past. Learn from the mistakes and don't get yourself in those situations if you can at all help it.

Wait until she tells you that she loves you before you share anything from your past. She doesn't deserve to know anything. Next week, she may get back with an old boyfriend and leave you high and dry. Wait until she loves you. Then tell her you're a serial killer and it won't matter. Especially with a girl that young. They're mostly still very much romantics at heart, searching for their soul mate. If anything, she'll probably stay with you longer because she won't want you to start using again. But, you have to wait until she loves you.

 

[seabreeze]

Aztec,

Okay, you don't know me yet, but I'm a girl and I want to co-sign with what everyone else is saying here. Wait until she says she loves you. Anytime before that is taking a huge risk. But, it shouldn't be a problem in your relationship unless you start using again and THEN you tell her.

Congratulations on being sober for a month! That's awesome!
Seabreeze

 

[Aztec]

My gratitude to all of you.


That's what I need a smack in the back of the head to knock off my ONEITIS blinders.


This is insanity. I'm trying very hard to make this relationship to work and even though I recognize that I'm setting myself up for destruction I'm still continue to do it. That's crazy of me!


I'll try my best to keep my cool.


Thank you.



Aztec

 

[decades]

aztec, LOWER your expectations. go in thinking this is no big deal and girls like her are a dime a dozen. i know that may not be true but do it. you have so much riding on this thing. I like the advice that says simply see this as a way to have fun and LEARN about yourselves and each other. take it one day at a time. bet you've heard that somewhere before. ;-)

 

[Aztec]

Originally posted by persistent exaction
aztec, LOWER your expectations. go in thinking this is no big deal and girls like her are a dime a dozen. i know that may not be true but do it. you have so much riding on this thing. I like the advice that says simply see this as a way to have fun and LEARN about yourselves and each other. take it one day at a time. bet you've heard that somewhere before. ;-)

I agree. I'm trying to reprogram my thinking right now. Thanks!

 

[Aztec]

Thanks to everyone that responded to my post.

I hope other readers learned something from it too.

 

[disciple]

I agree with what others have already said.

It's too early in the game to disclose something like that.

If things get much more serious and you feel it is something that she needs to know, then that is another story.

Assuming you are healthy and disease-free, just worry about keeping yourself from regressing back into destructive behaviour and let that be your main focus.

 

[Aztec]

Originally posted by disciple
I agree with what others have already said.

It's too early in the game to disclose something like that.

If things get much more serious and you feel it is something that she needs to know, then that is another story.

Assuming you are healthy and disease-free, just worry about keeping yourself from regressing back into destructive behaviour and let that be your main focus.

Thanks! I'm sticking to the advice. I think it is early on the game to tell her what my history is.