Fishing for compliments

[Old Buck]

I have been dating this girl for the last four months. She is 34, attractive and fun with a good career. She also has this unnerving habit of fishing for compliments. If I haven't seen her for a couple of days, she will say something like "tell me you missed me" or "tell me you have been thinking of me". This past weekend she called and asked if I wanted her to come over Saturday night. I had a lot of business to attend to on the computer so I told her I was going to be really busy and that it was up to her whether or not she came over. I never once said or even implied she wasn't welcome. Well, now she says her feelings were hurt because she felt like she wasn't wanted. According to her, I didn't specifically tell her that I wanted her with me so therefore, she felt neglected. I think she is being childish, not to mention ridiculous. I should mention that everytime we go out, which is most weekends, I always tell her how nice she looks and I often tell her how much I enjoy her company. All this without any encouragement from her, so why does she feel it necessary to put me into a position where I have to compliment her or risk hurting her feelings?

 

[Desdinova]

I had a lot of business to attend to on the computer so I told her I was going to be really busy and that it was up to her whether or not she came over. I never once said or even implied she wasn't welcome.

Women can't make a decision to save their life if their emotions aren't pushing them in a certain direction. Never throw the ball in her court to make these decisions. You have to make them for her. You have to give her a "Yes" or a "No" when it comes to a date. Throwing the ball in her court will only cause her to mess things up with her emotions, and she'll take your flexibility the wrong way (ie. thinking you're pushing her away).

That's just the way women are. Sometimes they'll ask you for an opinion that won't make a difference to you either way, like when she asks "What flavor should I get? I can't choose." It just means that her emotions aren't pushing her in any particular direction.

 

[Vulpine]

The way you describe her, she would appear to be an attention wh0re. For instance, when you were indifferent as to whether or not she came over. That wasn't enough attention for her, so she had the "hurt my feelings" temper tantrum as to get the necessary attention she craved. But, I don't have all the facts, that's just my initial impression. The fishing for compliments only seems to support my impression. If she is indeed the attention wh0ring type, you may want to try weaning her off the pedestal. When you feel she's being childish or ridiculous, rather than give her the compliments, give her a "you're being silly" look and not answer.

 

[biker_gixxer]

"tell me you missed me"

No...

"tell me you have been thinking of me".

No...

I love giving women this reaction, it screws them all up and they don't know what to do. Usually they come back with an emotional bratty response, which is fine because I dial it up a notch when they do.

After a while, they'll see that this $hit doesn't work with me and they stop.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

BUCK, let me begin by asking, at 35, what the hell are you doing dating a 34 y.o. woman? If you're single at 35, any woman older than 30 is officially past her expiration date. With all the opportunities that your age permits you with younger, hotter women, why even entertain the idea of dating a 34 year old woman (who's still clinging to attention deficit insecurities no less)?

For sake of argument though, GIXXER is on the right track. By demanding satisfaction of these infantile attention insecurities a woman like this resorting to overt communication - something only deprivation is usually capable of evoking in most women. In a younger woman, more deserving of your effort, I'd say this was a bonanza of opportunity to exploit. GIXXER hit upon this first; now that she's tipped her hand and confessed an attention deficit, you've been handed a very efficient tool. Remember:

We only chase what runs away from us.

By acting as you did, you inadvertently (and covertly I might add) sent her exactly the message she needed to get from you - that you have competing interests for your attention. Whether these distractions from her are other prospective women, business responsibilities, passions or ambitions makes little difference; they're all the "other woman" to her - you are essentially an "in demand" guy and nothing serves to prove a man's confidence in his own, strong identity than when he can put off a woman's sexuality for his own interests.

 

[Old Buck]

good point.......

 

[Desdinova]

I told her it wasn't my intention to leave that impression and it's just her own insecurity that leads her to said conclusion.

Sounds like she's got low self-esteem. That in turn makes her a high maintenance woman. They can get to be a pain in the ass when they look for their ego boost.
"I'm so fat!", "You don't love me!", "I'm so ugly!", "You don't care!"

Give her an answer, but don't give her the one that she wants.

Her: I'm so fat!
You: Tell me something new.

Her: Tell me I'm beautiful
You: I'll tell you when you quit making demands

Her: You don't love me!
You: (pat her on the head) Aww.

 

[Old Buck]

BUCK, let me begin by asking, at 35, what the hell are you doing dating a 34 y.o. woman? If you're single at 35, any woman older than 30 is officially past her expiration date.

I live in a rural area and most of the 25-30 yr old women here have tons of baggage. I have 2 young children from a previous marriage and the fact I don't want more kids creates a problem for women who want their own offspring. My girlfriend is a good catch as far as the total package goes but this attention craving disorder is really grating on me. It's hard to understand why someone with her attributes is so insecure. An extension of that insecurity is her unfounded jealousy. I have often, in the course of conversation, mentioned places I have been or things that have happened when I was dating a certain girl. She says this gives her the feeling there are other women I can have and she is just a passing fancy. She also has concerns that I have several female friends, some of whom I have had relations with in the past although she is unaware of that part of the equation. I am in agreement that it's good for a woman to feel she must compete for a man's attention but in this case it seems it is driving her away. It occurred to me that if she has these issues, maybe I would be better off without her. However, despite dating quite a bit since my divorce three yrs ago, she is the only one who I have developed any feelings for. I admit I'm hard to please but will refuse to settle for less that what I want just to avoid being alone. In a perfect world, I could wean her off these annoying habits of jealousy and attention craving and all would be well. But we all know it isn't a perfect world or Eve never would have eaten that apple and we would all be running around naked

 

[legolas]

You can use her insecurity to your advantage to keep her around or get her hot or whatever, but would you want to?

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

An extension of that insecurity is her unfounded jealousy. I have often, in the course of conversation, mentioned places I have been or things that have happened when I was dating a certain girl. She says this gives her the feeling there are other women I can have and she is just a passing fancy. She also has concerns that I have several female friends, some of whom I have had relations with in the past although she is unaware of that part of the equation.

Alright I take part of that last post back. Upon further review of the circumstances, this woman is NOT fishing for compliments - she is issuing ultimatums. "Love me or else." It's important to remember that ultimatums are declarations of powerlessness. This woman is used to being in control to some degree and is sh!ttesting you to see if you are solid enough in your self-confidence to pass them and maintain your dominate masculine role. Do not knuckle under to this intimidation or she WILL ultimately loose interest in you. If she perceives you to be anything less than strong in your own identity you will have failed the test. If you suck it up and establish your own identity as uncompromisable (i.e. you refuse to identify with her) you will either establish a strong relationship with this woman within your own frame or she will leave you in frustration. And if the latter is true would you really be better off placating yourself to a woman so insecure as to issue passive-aggressive ultimatums of this sort? I think not.

As a final note, bear in mind that a mature woman could never possibly expect a 35 y.o. man not to date or be sexually active (particularly after divorce). This is silly high school relational crap. Caveat emptor.

 

[Egoist]

what about women that try to indirectly build their value by telling you how other men always compliment and chase them?

almost as bad, IMHO.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

EGO: That's simple attention affirmation; not what this woman is doing. But since you brought it up - a rich man doesn't need to tell you he's rich, nor does an attractive woman need to tell you she's attractive. Those that do, have motivation to do so.

Far better to speak with your actions. Hable ti sin hable Speak of yourself without speaking.

 

[flexion_]

Sounds like an attention ***** personally.

 

[Egoist]

EGO: That's simple attention affirmation; not what this woman is doing. But since you brought it up - a rich man doesn't need to tell you he's rich, nor does an attractive woman need to tell you she's attractive. Those that do, have motivation to do so.

Far better to speak with your actions. Hable ti sin hable Speak of yourself without speaking.

yeah yeah yeah. agreed.

you got me thinking about this chick actually, i think she used to be really LSE or something, (well to a point still is) but got better and still not used to the attention.

she says stuff like "i only used to have dirtbags hitting on me, and now its always older rich guys, lawyers, etc"

 

[Heathscythe]

It sounds like you don't even like her. If you're instincts are not to volunteer nice thoughts to this needy greedy then why write, post, or think about her? You soundn really annoyed.

 

[Veracity]

She'll breakup with you soon.

So what if she wants your attention? As this seems to be a problem for you, don't worry she'll be leaving soon; probably for a guy who behaves like he gives a damn.