First date mistakes?

[DudeDude24]

I am in my early 20’s very new to this community and just starting to take dating seriously while halfway through the Rational Male.
I asked this girl out the other day I met on Hinge (I know I shouldn’t be using them but just as a backup until everything goes back to normal) to go out on Saturday. I told her a place to meet up but she told she’ll be driving and she has a better spot so I just went with it (I don’t drive). She kept texting me about my day and hers and I would reply with a brief funny response or went on with the conversation if I was genuinely curious. The night before she said she had to go to her friend’s birthday and was staying out of town. I told her it’s okay to meet the day after as long as “she’d make it up to me”. On the day of the date she told me she’ll come pick me up so I said alright and we went to someplace near the lake and started a small bonfire. Everything was going alright until her friends showed out of nowhere and joined us for the rest of the night. I was kinda quiet because the way I am in larger groups, but engaged in the conversation and went along with the whole thing. I’m okay with not going out with her again but don’t mind having her around because she seemed chill. I honestly am just starting to come out of the chump mentality so I would appreciate for you all to point the mistakes I made and how to come out of what seems to be a gutter

 

[Kotaix]

Why don't you drive? I don't understand why Gen Z is so uninterested in driving....

The biggest mistake you can make is to second guess yourself. Either it works with her or it doesn't, and you have to be able to accept that it doesn't work without taking it personally. Don't associate any part of your self-esteem in the outcome of the date or relationship because that is the start of the downward spiral and failure.

You can't have fun, and therefore be fun, if you spend your entire night pissed that her friends showed up out of nowhere. I'm not saying you did, it's just a mentality thing. If you're not able to have fun when things don't go your way, you won't come across as fun or attractive.

Also, do not allow your mind to put you down. Ever.

 

[Clamslammer]

So let me get this straight, she made a date with you and then proceeds to say 1 day before your date that she has to meet her friend for her birthday which somehow she did not know about and cancels the date.hahaha. You being a nice guy said it was okay like a good little boy and said you can meet up the next day. The date comes and she meets you and proceeds to bring her friends to the date...since you are a nice guy. See the problem here.

When she canceled your first date you should have said: no problem when you figure out your schedule hit me up and then let her reach out to set a date. You then set a date at your place, you are not going anywhere but to your front door to meet her.

 

[DudeDude24]

Why don't you drive? I don't understand why Gen Z is so uninterested in driving....


You can't have fun, and therefore be fun, if you spend your entire night pissed that her friends showed up out of nowhere. I'm not saying you did, it's just a mentality thing. If you're not able to have fun when things don't go your way, you won't come across as fun or attractive.

Also, do not allow your mind to put you down. Ever.

I just started taking driving lessons so that’s changing soon. About the friends thing, I don’t function well in medium to large groups, which I know is something I should be working on as well.
Also, this is my first post here so I appreciate the encouragement and inspiration y’all are trying to give.

 

[Bingo-Player]

I am in my early 20’s very new to this community and just starting to take dating seriously while halfway through the Rational Male.
I asked this girl out the other day I met on Hinge (I know I shouldn’t be using them but just as a backup until everything goes back to normal) to go out on Saturday. I told her a place to meet up but she told she’ll be driving and she has a better spot so I just went with it (I don’t drive). She kept texting me about my day and hers and I would reply with a brief funny response or went on with the conversation if I was genuinely curious. The night before she said she had to go to her friend’s birthday and was staying out of town. I told her it’s okay to meet the day after as long as “she’d make it up to me”. On the day of the date she told me she’ll come pick me up so I said alright and we went to someplace near the lake and started a small bonfire. Everything was going alright until her friends showed out of nowhere and joined us for the rest of the night. I was kinda quiet because the way I am in larger groups, but engaged in the conversation and went along with the whole thing. I’m okay with not going out with her again but don’t mind having her around because she seemed chill. I honestly am just starting to come out of the chump mentality so I would appreciate for you all to point the mistakes I made and how to come out of what seems to be a gutter

dont think you did much wrong tbf , infact you did well to even get a swipe app date set up and in motion

as others have said the tipping point was the frame change ( her friends appeared )

you are young an inexperienced so it would have been difficult for you too reframe and pull them into your world but thats the only way to control a situation like that

whenever something like that happens to me now i go into public speaker and smartest guy in the room mode sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't but if you do nothing then you will get labelled "the quiet guy"

and trust me when i say no hot woman EVER wants the quiet guy

 

[DudeDude24]

So let me get this straight, she made a date with you and then proceeds to say 1 day before your date that she has to meet her friend for her birthday which somehow she did not know about and cancels the date.hahaha. You being a nice guy said it was okay like a good little boy and said you can meet up the next day. The date comes and she meets you and proceeds to bring her friends to the date...since you are a nice guy. See the problem here.

When she canceled your first date you should have said: no problem when you figure out your schedule hit me up and then let her reach out to set a date. You then set a date at your place, you are not going anywhere but to your front door to meet her.

Damn I don’t know how I didn’t see it until you said it. Rookie mistakes I guess

 

[DonJuanjr]

When she canceled your first date...

I get the impression the proper thing to do would be to leave her message on read, and not respond.

 

[Clamslammer]

Damn I don’t know how I didn’t see it until you said it. Rookie mistakes I guess

Don't beat yourself up, you are young. We all made these mistakes when we were young, at least are willing to learn from it. Keep growing yourself and these girls will be asking you out and you will be rejecting them because thry are not to your standards. Most guys on here are just trying to get the next bang which is cool if thats what you want. But a true high value guy does no have time for that and is looking for stability thus screens girls based on that

 

[bat soup]

I am in my early 20’s very new to this community and just starting to take dating seriously while halfway through the Rational Male.
I asked this girl out the other day I met on Hinge (I know I shouldn’t be using them but just as a backup until everything goes back to normal) to go out on Saturday. I told her a place to meet up but she told she’ll be driving and she has a better spot so I just went with it (I don’t drive). She kept texting me about my day and hers and I would reply with a brief funny response or went on with the conversation if I was genuinely curious. The night before she said she had to go to her friend’s birthday and was staying out of town. I told her it’s okay to meet the day after as long as “she’d make it up to me”. On the day of the date she told me she’ll come pick me up so I said alright and we went to someplace near the lake and started a small bonfire. Everything was going alright until her friends showed out of nowhere and joined us for the rest of the night. I was kinda quiet because the way I am in larger groups, but engaged in the conversation and went along with the whole thing. I’m okay with not going out with her again but don’t mind having her around because she seemed chill. I honestly am just starting to come out of the chump mentality so I would appreciate for you all to point the mistakes I made and how to come out of what seems to be a gutter

I think your main mistake was letting her take the lead. She put you in an environment she could control, with kockblocking friends getting in the way so that she could get what she wanted out of you (attention) whilst not giving you a chance to escalate and get what you wanted.

I imagine the first night she probably hooked up with some other guy from Hinge and gave you the "friend's birthday" excuse.

 

[Modern Man Advice]

I am in my early 20’s very new to this community and just starting to take dating seriously while halfway through the Rational Male.
I asked this girl out the other day I met on Hinge (I know I shouldn’t be using them but just as a backup until everything goes back to normal) to go out on Saturday. I told her a place to meet up but she told she’ll be driving and she has a better spot so I just went with it (I don’t drive). She kept texting me about my day and hers and I would reply with a brief funny response or went on with the conversation if I was genuinely curious. The night before she said she had to go to her friend’s birthday and was staying out of town. I told her it’s okay to meet the day after as long as “she’d make it up to me”. On the day of the date she told me she’ll come pick me up so I said alright and we went to someplace near the lake and started a small bonfire. Everything was going alright until her friends showed out of nowhere and joined us for the rest of the night. I was kinda quiet because the way I am in larger groups, but engaged in the conversation and went along with the whole thing. I’m okay with not going out with her again but don’t mind having her around because she seemed chill. I honestly am just starting to come out of the chump mentality so I would appreciate for you all to point the mistakes I made and how to come out of what seems to be a gutter

Oh, brother, it happens to everyone. This is a good learning experience.

First off, doesn't matter if she drives and you don't. You take the lead, you pick a place and stick to it no matter what. Don't let her pick th place, at least not on the first date. If she wants to plan something for you on the second or third date, that is a different story. Also, it is okay if she suggests but not if she leads.

Second, don't be "too funny" or you will become her personal clown. Have a balance of funny, serious/deep, and coc*y. Do not engage in long text conversations. This is especially true after you set a date. Once you have a time and place, disappear like you just robbed a bank. And maybe 24hrs prior, text her to confirm you are still on but keep texting minimal until you get to actually meet her in person.

Third, I doubt her friends showed up out of nowhere. This is something she either planned beforehand or planned as the date went on. Women are constantly testing you if they are unsure about you (which they all are of men unless you have celebrity-like status). Group first dates are always to be avoided. And as soon her friends showed up, you play it cool and remove yourself from the situation. But do not apologize. Never apologize.

Lastly, keep going at it. There is only one way to learn and perfect the art of Kung Fu, and that is to practice that kick a thousand times.

You are welcome to reach out anytime for advice, but the forum has some fine gentlemen that have valuable experience and advice. That's why we are all here for.

Modern Man Advice

 

[Clamslammer]

I get the impression the proper thing to do would be to leave her message on read, and not respond.

No. You could have just left the ball in her court and let her reach back to you if she really wanted to see you.

 

[bat soup]

Generally the thing about leading is this:

Women know exactly what a man wants - sex. If a woman follows a man, he'll end up taking her somewhere quiet and banging her. A woman that is passive and obedient is very easy to take home.

So if she's not following you and giving you a bunch of objections, it's because she wants to prevent anything sexual from happening.

If a girl cancels a date at the last minute that shows low sexual interest, no matter how good the excuse. The correct response to that is to make her a low priority and be even less willing to deal with any non-compliance.

If you let a girl set the terms of the date then it's almost guaranteed to be a bunch of BS and you will end up in a situation that you don't want - such as spending money you don't want to spend or being in a place where it's impossible to escalate or wasting your whole evening surrounded by kokblockers.

 

[DudeDude24]

dont think you did much wrong tbf , infact you did well to even get a swipe app date set up and in motion

as others have said the tipping point was the frame change ( her friends appeared )

you are young an inexperienced so it would have been difficult for you too reframe and pull them into your world but thats the only way to control a situation like that

whenever something like that happens to me now i go into public speaker and smartest guy in the room mode sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't but if you do nothing then you will get labelled "the quiet guy"

and trust me when i say no hot woman EVER wants the quiet guy

Very good advices here and good learning experience in general. What do you suggest I should do with this girl now. Should play it cool and reach out or let her come to me?

 

[TheCharmingGuy]

Dump her. You screwed up and she has likely already flagged you as “nice” and she will continue to try to take advantage of you in the future. I suggest starting fresh with a new girl unless you want a lot of work convincing the first one that you aren’t the nice guy she has marked you down as. There are other girls.

 

[bat soup]

Very good advices here and good learning experience in general. What do you suggest I should do with this girl now. Should play it cool and reach out or let her come to me?

No, don't "play it cool." That's just continuing to let her lead. You need to lead the interaction and if she doesn't cooperate, ditch her because in that case it's going nowhere that you'd want to go.

 

[Tilex]

Biggest #1 mistake = Giving her too much control too soon

1) Letting her drive you around
2) Going to her place before you've had sex with her
3) Letting her change the date location
4) Letting her change the time
5) Letting her change plans at the last minute
6) Inviting her friends along on the date

These are all power tests of your masculinity.
The man has to be in control of the dynamics, not the woman.
When the woman has control, she loses all respect for the man.

 

[Lookatu]

There's a lot of little mistakes you made which is to be expected as you're learning.

However, I think the BIGGEST mistake you made was not being able to make lemonade out of lemons when you got in that situation when her friends came by. You could've used this opportunity to gain respect from her friends and be the life of the party. Part of that is a $hit test on what her friends will think of you. I realize not everyone wants to play that game or be in that situation but in this case, it could've helped and been the difference between you making out with her at the end of the night or going home feeling defeated.

You must always learn to adapt and improvise in life and the dating life is no different sometimes.

 

[9-3enthusiast]

I just started taking driving lessons so that’s changing soon.

Get that licence, and a car - ASAP
And don't let her pick the date location.

I'll never agree to the woman picking me up for the first coupla dates - it gives her too much control.
Two or three dates down the line.... then OK from time to time, depending where you're going.

A tactic I have employed if she drives, is to pick a first evening date location in the opposite direction from where she lives... let her drive to my place, then go on to the date location in my car. This means that at the end of the date she has to come back to my place... or somewhere near... to get her car.
Then assuming the date went well....
At the point of the "goodnight" kiss, make sure it's a good one - but pull back first... so she wants more.
Then say something along lines of..... "Well I guess it's goodnight.... unless you wanna come in for coffee....?"
They will come in more often than not - and not for the coffee!

 

[derby1]

2) Going to her place before you've had sex with her

whats your reasoning behind this one? just out of interest.

Im sure ive been to many a womans house before sex, dont seem to remember it causing too many issues

 

[TheNewStyle123]

I am in my early 20’s very new to this community and just starting to take dating seriously while halfway through the Rational Male.
I asked this girl out the other day I met on Hinge (I know I shouldn’t be using them but just as a backup until everything goes back to normal) to go out on Saturday. I told her a place to meet up but she told she’ll be driving and she has a better spot so I just went with it (I don’t drive). She kept texting me about my day and hers and I would reply with a brief funny response or went on with the conversation if I was genuinely curious. The night before she said she had to go to her friend’s birthday and was staying out of town. I told her it’s okay to meet the day after as long as “she’d make it up to me”. On the day of the date she told me she’ll come pick me up so I said alright and we went to someplace near the lake and started a small bonfire. Everything was going alright until her friends showed out of nowhere and joined us for the rest of the night. I was kinda quiet because the way I am in larger groups, but engaged in the conversation and went along with the whole thing. I’m okay with not going out with her again but don’t mind having her around because she seemed chill. I honestly am just starting to come out of the chump mentality so I would appreciate for you all to point the mistakes I made and how to come out of what seems to be a gutter

Nothing wrong with using the dating apps man! Definitely want to make sure you're getting IRL (in real life) interactions still, but it's a nice supplement and some people end up doing pretty well off of them. If you have it available - use it!

It's fine to text her, especially if you are being funny and building rapport, but you don't want to waste too much of your time (because your time and attention is valuable) texting this girl a lot prior to ever meeting. What if she canceled or no-showed? Or you don't end up seeing her again after this? Now you've spent a lot of your time giving her attention via text, for nothing (again, these are just words of caution, if you texted her a few times prior to this date, nbd).

I agree with the other guys above, "until her friends showed out of nowhere and joined us for the rest of the night" is when I would have made up an excuse and ejected as well. You made it clear you were there for a date, not a social gathering with her friends.

What are the next steps? How did the date end and have you had communication since then?