Female - Looking for honest advice

[AlphaGirl78]

Wow ... lots of ranging responses.

Ok let me try an answer a few. I actually don't consider myself an "alpha female" but i guess based on what i have seen described here and stuff .. i would fall in to that.

I am in charge of 55 employees and work in the entertainment business as an excustive. Nothing cool or fancy, just a glorified paper pusher and problem solver.

Jonnb - I am totally looking for a guy who leads!!! LOL I am definatly drawn to that. What i seem to have a hard time figuring it out .. is the ones who fake the confidence to get the girl VS the ones who actually have it. I would prefer to not be the dominate figure in a relationship, i just seem to end up there.

(.)(.) - That actually made me laugh out loud .. it was a crude way to put a simple truth. Not the ass part .. but the gist of that.

afro - i don't come off as *****y. i come off as nice and sweet. The only place i come of *****y sometimes is the workplace. I would actually love someone to sweep me off my feet.

SirM - They do always try and change me! It is 95% work related. That always seems to be the biggest issue. In no way shape or form am i a dominatrix. But i do have a dominate personality naturally. I am very out going, can work a room, etc. But once i get home i would love to not be the dominate personality.

jcap - the guy didnt walk out on me because of money. i don't think i ever stated that at all. I broke up with him because of his constant need for attention. which of course was not the case when we met. but i do have a question for you, why can a woman only make normal money? isnt it nice to be able to have someone contribute to everything.

scara - like i stated above i am in the entertainment field but nothing glamorous. i live in los angeles which has a high cost of living which accounts for a big chunk of my salary. i am in no way rich or anything. like i have statement many times. i am self sufficant and can take the occasional vacation and buy a random silly item or two. but i am far from loaded.

mrruckus - that seems to be my issue. power is not feminine to a lot of guys. but i don't want to be in power in my relationship.

rollo - i like a lot of what you said.

newman - i am not having a hard time finding guys to date or FB with. i am having a hard time with being in a relationship. i seem to be dating the same type.

the bat - can you define AFC? i havn't seen that one yet.

blueblue - already been asked to give up the career - i said no. what i really want is a partner in life. someone to share in this journey, laugh with, love with, travel with, experience new things and so on.


OK some of those were short because i had a lot of people to answer. i appreciate everyones no hold bars honesty.

 

[azanon]

So to give you the natural conclusion/punchline from what RT explained to you, you now realize you need to market your attractiveness, feminineness, and general intelligence (not your accomplishments). You say you're just cute but you make a lot of money. Sorry, but it's the cute you need to focus on and improve as best you can.

If you wanted a dominate, protector man like myself, I can assure you I'd be calling the shots almost from the get-go. Plenty of people not as wise as me, make more money than me. I envy no man and no woman. If you want a man even close to as strong-willed, and protectorate as me, you'd see just how quickly you could convince yourself just how much you make doesn't matter one bit to me.

Now if you want a weak, submissive human, who's gender is male, but can't be accurately referred to as a man, then yeah, keep emphasizing your powerful job and how you want a male gender to follow you around and accept when you're available. There should be plenty of girly men out there that will bore you in due time just like the ones you've dropped so far.

Anyway, sorry hun, the best of us are going to be the leaders. Until YOU can accept that, you will continue to be dissatisfied.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

can you define AFC? i havn't seen that one yet.

...,said the girl in the Matrix,...

Qualities of the AFC
AFC Social Conventions
The Mature AFC

And just so you don't think we've ever covered this topic before, let me reintorduce for your re-reading pleasure,...

Timeline of the Professional Woman

Most professional women are forced into an uncomfortable choice in life. Generally women in this demographic have decided to pursue a career at the sacrifice of caring for a family; some initially disdain the idea of being 'trapped' in a domestic life. Some are aware of this sacrifice and some are not. Most professional women swallowed the (all too common) ideology that "you can have it all", a 'rewarding' career, a family and an equally professional, equally intellectual husband that will respect her choosing the career path and equally share in what she perceives as his domestic duties. And like most professional women, at some point they come to realize this notion is false because the sacrifices required to attain this fantasy defeat it's own conditions. For example:

At age 18 she's progressed through high school with a high GPA and her single mother or 2 parent family (rarely is it a single father) has raised her to believe she can go far and through the financial aid available only for women and/or the college fund her parents planned for her she's ready for college. Not a bad thing for a woman who's ready to actually meet the challenges of a University and a 'promising' professional career.

At age 24-26 she's achieved a bachelor’s or master’s degree, perhaps a doctorate by 28. But, more often than not though it's a bachelor’s and an expectation of professional respect in the professional world. 90% of professional women graduate with education, psychology, journalism or communication degrees. That's not to say some don't seek out careers in law or medicine, they do, but in far fewer numbers. Regardless of her education, her expectations are the same as her peers - once in the workplace she will be rewarded and respected. Unfortunately, in the professional world, things don’t go as smoothly as her Women's Studies teacher prepared her for. She discovers that to function as a professional she is also required to be responsible as a professional and more times than not, it's not all that 'rewarding'. In fact it entails a lot of rejection and a lot of hard work at the sacrifice of a personal life and personal relationships.

At 30 she sees the girlfriends she went to college with married and having their 2nd child. She still clings to the self-affirmation that her choice requires she have, but can't understand why she hasn't 'gotten it all' by now. She's single or may even be divorced at this point, but looking for that 'professional' and intellectual equal of masculinity that the fantasy sold her, yet it hasn't quite worked out that way. Most guys her age don't have the intellect she expects they should or they lack the status in their careers. Men more successful and mature aren't interested in her since she pales in comparison to the 22 y.o. women they seem to prefer.

At 35 she's achieved quite a bit in her career, but has no prospect for a family at this point. She enjoys reading the articles in the women's magazines that affirm what she thinks she experiences often enough - that men her age are juvenile with 'fragile egos' and only want to become involved with women in their 20's because they feel 'threatened' by a woman who would dare to be their equal. The truth being that men are hardly juvenile at this age, but rather calculating, they generally have a better understanding of what they want and what is satisfying for them after more than a few failed attempts and have learned how the game is played to a greater or lesser degree. Particularly professional men of the same or higher status than she, since they have more access to being particular with the women they choose to become involved with. They are aware that the 35+ y.o. professional woman's personality has been shaped by 12-15 years of expectations of 'having it all' and they are aware that she is generally not a good candidate to start a family with since he knows all too well the sacrifices and responsibilities necessary to achieve his own status. A career man rarely sees a career woman as a good choice for a wife or an LTR, not because he's 'threatened' by her status, but because he's known and worked with enough of them once he's reached 35+ years of age to steer clear of them.

 

[azanon]

If you can accept everything RT just said, you will be helped immensely. (cliff notes: that as a 29 year old making 250K/year, you're, on average, less marketable to a man than the 21 year old hottie still in college).

Again, go for emphasizing your cuteness/dress sexy, get in-tune with your sexuality, be confident but humble (because your success isn't as important to us as you think it is), and get out there. Like us men, you have to be seen to be discovered. Also, don't forget to show interest in the men that you date, even if their accomplishments seem to pale in comparison to yours. We want someone that's going to care for us, care about us, and be loyal. We want someone that's going to let us lead. You can have your friends and your life that you already have as long as you never forget they'll be second in priority to us. If this doesn't happen, we'll know. You can't fake it. I can sense a woman's priorities a mile away.

Also, do you know how to have fun? Are you generally happy? Do you laugh occasionally (at whatever)? I like a woman who loves life. It's such a let-down for me to first see a sexy or cute woman, then come to realize she's usually in a foul mood or complains a lot.

If you can't do these things, I really can't help you. Any man that's my equal would at the very least have the same expectations that I just listed.

 

[LovelyLady]

Hello AlphaGirl78 and welcome to Sosuave.

I keep starting to write you and then backing out because I have soooo much to say.

First questions:

Why do you want a man in your life?

And What kind of man do you want? What are the qualities of your ideal man?

 

[Bible_Belt]

AlphaGirl, you should just date a guy off this site, except I think most of us on the mature man forum are taken. Click on the "Members List" link above and then click on "reputation" to sort it in descending order. Find one of these guys who is not married or with a girlfriend, and you will find a secure and confident man who is not threatened by your career success.

 

[AlphaGirl78]

I really liked that write up! I would say i totally suffer from the "have it all" ideology.

So ... outside of playing up the cuteness, not talking about money (which i don't) ... what else can i do? I am out very out going .. that OK? or does that come off "too party girl"? how does one single out the a certain guy .. with out seeming like a skank or just a ONS? LOL


On another note ... what do you guys think when a girl buys you a drink? Like if your at a club and a bunch of people are together ..and a girl buys a few of the rounds. Turn off, or turn on .. or just indifferent?


AZ - I laugh all the time! I do know how to have a good time. I can pretty much cope in any situation and by the end of the night made friends with most there.


Random question: I have always wondered and since i finally have a bunch of men being super honest i can ask. Why do some guys go for it the first night (as in sex) and some wait? Does a choice of action indicate where they want to take it? Or am i being a typical girl and over thinking it.

 

[AlphaGirl78]

First questions:

Why do you want a man in your life?

And What kind of man do you want? What are the qualities of your ideal man?

I don't need a man ... but i want one. I want someone to share life with. The good, the bad, etc. I want love, sex, fun, travel, compassion, support and be able to do those things for someone else. I truly want a partner in crime.

My ideal man is also independant. Has a job. Is passionate about whatever it is that he does. Works hard but also knows how to have fun and take breaks. he would like to travel and go to interesting places. It wouldn't matter to him so much that i am only an OK cook because we would be busy trying some exotic/interesting resturant. he would have friends and go and do stuff with them. he would be secure enough, that if someone hit on me at a bar ... i could look over to him and he would just wink, knowing i was leaving with him but happy i got a free drink LOL. he would feel like i was his "tag team partner" in life. That nothing would get inbetween us.

I am sure i could go on.

 

[KontrollerX]

"Why do some guys go for it the first night (as in sex) and some wait?"

The guys that go for it on the first night are guys like us on this forum.

They would be known as DJ's here.

A DJ is not afraid of his sexuality, he goes for what he wants and if he doesn't get it he moves on, he is fully aware of his value as a man and doesn't view women as being better than him nor himself better than them and as a result of all of this knowledge he never enters into a woman's socially programmed reality.

For example if after a night of sweaty sex the guy indicates that was all he wanted and the woman pulls the "you used me card" he will instead reply "no we were two consenting adults that got it on, no more, no less than that". He conveys that in reality the girl used him just as much as he used her so this cancels out any one of them trying to play the victim card.

A DJ doesn't allow a woman to play the victim card that many women unfortunately play unconsciously they themselves are so thoroughly programmed by their mother's advice and society's.

An AFC male ie an average, frustrated chump is under the impression that you should be friends with a woman before getting intimate with her, establish comfort so that the moment can be special. All this does usually is get the AFC placed squarely in the friend zone because the girl rightly assumes by his behavior he just wants to be friends.

Rollo pointed out in a previous brilliant post that this friendship/comfortable type of frame the AFC establishes is counterproductive to attraction because attraction in a way is supposed to be uncomfortable/space invading/and basically a bit primal and animalistic. The things that get both man and woman excited which is the complete opposite of comfort and safety that friendship first creates.

 

[STR8UP]

A woman who describes herself as "independent" is one thing. That's a default response. All women say that.

But to describe yourself as alpha? I for one don't want a woman who thinks of herself (or one who others think of) as ALPHA.

I want a feminine woman. "Alpha" isn't a feminine quality.

There's a fine line here.

I have been talking to a woman who is probably in a similar situation as you. She probably makes $150k a year, and bemoans the fact that she can't find any decent men who want to date her.

I don't know her well enough to know just what kind of person she is (haven't had an official "date" yet), but from what I can tell she walks that line between aggressive career woman and the "other" kind of woman who masculine men are attracted to.

So basically, I'm already going into this situation with low expectations, simply because from what I do know of her she possesses some UNfeminine qualities that I, as a Man, am not attracted to. Whether or not her feminine side shines through her somewhat tough exterior remains to be seen, but if I get to know her and I don't see enough of a WOMAN, she better be cool with a very casual arrangement and be good in bed, cause I have no desire to move forward "romantically" with a woman who doesn't want to be a WOMAN.

 

[LovelyLady]

you wrote: "Or guy number 2, the guy who claims to want to be with an "Alpha Female" but then has problems with it later. This type of guy is the worst to me because i am very clear about who i am. I am not an attention *****, i have my own life which i happen to enjoy. Usually about 4-6 months into the relationship everything that they originally liked about me, they no longer care for. I am trying to figure out how to attract a guy who is looking for a more self sufficant woman."
"

What are your qualities they are saying they liked at first but don't later?

 

[thedeparted]

It's funny, you have the perfect life -- for a guy. You make tons of money, are the boss of the office, and get laid whenever you like. And you're not even 30. I bet you are doing better in those departments than any man here at that age. So congrats on that. There is just that one niggling detail -- you're a woman.

Being in LA, the only quick fix I can imagine is a plastic surgeon who can take you the last step to manhood. Otherwise, you're basically looking at the shortcomings of the path in life you've chosen. Women who decide to "be the man" can be very successful at it. But they cannot also "be the woman" in their romantic life.

My advice is get yourself an AFC and make him your wife. Most men simply do not want a woman who is a big shot, buys the rounds and slaps backs after work, and probably smokes cigars, too. You're one of the boys, for sure -- but we prefer girls. It's the one thing the feminists didn't tell you when they sold you that bill of goods.

If I could offer one other piece of advice -- stop introducing yourself with your title and salary. It's a great way to earn the dislike of all the "little people" who will never make that much, or boss around so many people, and certainly not at such a young age. Accountants aren't known for their social skills, but put that advice in the bank and I promise it will earn you lots of interest.

Good luck.

 

[guru1000]

I broke up with him because of his constant need for attention.

This is quite funny.

You left a guy because he assumed the feminine role (attention feeding) of the relationship. Yet you assumed the masculine role by projecting ****iness/confidence, earning potential and your dominant frame.

Then you go on to express a concern , where are all the real men.

When you assume the masculine role which I can assume based on your biography and writing style, you will only attract a feminine man. This is actually what repels you and leads to a lose - lose scenario.

Hey, I earn double your annual income. I like women between the ages of 21-29 who are beautiful. If they CHALLENGE my masculinity from within the frame, they get tossed out immediately. There are so MANY beautiful feminine females who will surrender to me; why would I entertain a masculine woman?

Your annual income is not the problem. Your thinking and attitude that leads you to attain that income is.

If you want to meet a masculine man, you are going to have to leave your work at work and learn to maintain a feminine frame. Your ambition can be a liability to your social life if it is not left there

he would be secure enough, that if someone hit on me at a bar ... i could look over to him and he would just wink, knowing i was leaving with him but happy i got a free drink LOL. he would feel like i was his "tag team partner" in life.

This quote is a good way to lose a Man. Never accept a free drink while you are in an exclusive relationship. Show respect to your partner and appreciate his masculinity (territorial).

You are not tag team partners, you are complimentary partners. Masculine and Feminine.

 

[AlphaGirl78]

I think my introduction gave out a wrong impression of how i introduce myself in real life. This is a message board and no one knows me .. and it was a cut down blunt explanation/bio.

I think there are maybe 3 people in my life who know my salary. I do not flaunt it. I don't think of anyone as "small people". It's just not who i am. But i was raised without money and we scraped by. So i do treat myself to nice things. I think of it as a reward for all of my hard work.

I don't smoke cigars or slap backs. I do go out with co-workers and have drinks. Since it is a friendly enviroment, i feel the ladies taking a few turns at paying for the rounds has more to do with the fact i don't want anyone to think i think i deserve a free ride. Just because i have tits doesn't mean i should never buy my own drinks or contribute to the expensive cost of drinking in a LA nightclub.

I also have very girlie qualities. The shopping, the pink, the gossip mags, everything that makes a girl a girl.. i do have.

where the biggest issue seems to be is after a few months my routine changes but i don't drop everything in my life for a boyfriend. I don't stop doing dinners and movies with the girls. I don't stop social functions. I include my boyfriend in my events, well except the girls night out stuff. I also occasionally dont include them in work functions because they are fairly boring. Plus at a work function i am usually working and would be leaving my date very bored.

I also have hobbies and responsibilities like everyone else. i usually spend 3-5 nights with a guy i am in an exclusive relationship with.

Where my masculine side pops up,is usually arguments or things of that nature. I tend to dominate in those situations.

I am usually attracted to guys who are DJ types at first and appear that way ... but then usually turn out not to be true DJ types. It's like the confidence and self esteem disappear after 4-6 months. I think a lot of it has to do with people getting comfortable. But i also think its because i can't seem to tell the difference between a guy with true confidence and one who is just faking it to get me attracted to him. I really would do really well in a relationship with a truly dominate guy. I just can't seem to find one.


So being that that is what this board is about, it is why i came here for advice. How to figure out who is truly dominate. How to make sure they know i am very much a woman outside of my job. And how to keep that kind of guy interested.

also on a side note ... i live in LA. the guys are very metro. Which on a surface level is appealing. But when it comes to actually being with someone, i want a man.

 

[azanon]

Random question: I have always wondered and since i finally have a bunch of men being super honest i can ask. Why do some guys go for it the first night (as in sex) and some wait? Does a choice of action indicate where they want to take it? Or am i being a typical girl and over thinking it.

I can answer this one (because I speak from experience).

I went for it the first night with my (now) wife. I failed, but I certainly tried. It took me 4 months before I actually ended up going all the way with her (yeah, yeah guys - I had AFC in me, and she was real religious, but I didn't mind waiting and escalating slowly. In my defense, I was successful with other women first night before her.) I ended up marrying her 1.5 years later.

Alpha - we're always physical first, love second. You can't tell anything from that because it comes first with us anyway. Some guys just don't try it that early, even though they probably want to. I (would) push for physical from the very start and any DJ would. A man who's in-tune with his nature is always minded that way.

As for giving in, you could give in the first night and still not be seen as a skank. Do what feels right for you.

 

[azanon]

Where my masculine side pops up,is usually arguments or things of that nature. I tend to dominate in those situations.

I am usually attracted to guys who are DJ types at first and appear that way ... but then usually turn out not to be true DJ types. It's like the confidence and self esteem disappear after 4-6 months. I think a lot of it has to do with people getting comfortable. But i also think its because i can't seem to tell the difference between a guy with true confidence and one who is just faking it to get me attracted to him. I really would do really well in a relationship with a truly dominate guy. I just can't seem to find one.


So being that that is what this board is about, it is why i came here for advice. How to figure out who is truly dominate. How to make sure they know i am very much a woman outside of my job. And how to keep that kind of guy interested.

also on a side note ... i live in LA. the guys are very metro. Which on a surface level is appealing. But when it comes to actually being with someone, i want a man.

Well, after considering everything you've said, ... you sound pretty great - to be honest. I break convention here by actually putting intellect before beauty. To me, looks is second. I'd take cute and in-shape with high intelligence over a 9 or 10 that has trouble spelling her name any day (who's also a monetary liability as well).

We could probably all give you some brutal (and more accurate) honesty if we had a pic. Do you think you could take that level of truth? You could link a pic somewhere and it'd still be mostly anonymous. The pic would need to be full-body. Or, heck, what are your stats?

 

[thedeparted]

As interesting as a pic would be, that doesn't seem to be the issue. That would explain lack of attracting men, not failure to keep them.

I wonder, have you ever made clear that you WANT a dominant man? Plenty of AFC guys have to discover their manliness, which has been crushed by feminism, Hollywood, and divorce attorneys. Plenty of guys here USED to be AFC and are now more dominating. But they may still hold back.

Recently I was chatting with a girl who ended up telling me that she needs to be disciplined when she gets out of hand. It was a pretty awesome admission. She wants a guy to put her over his knee for real -- not play -- if the case arises. But stuff like that will NEVER happen if a guy hasn't got some clear permission b/c it's way too easy for him to get hauled off to jail.

Maybe you aren't into the physical side of it, but if you want your guy to be dominant, you should say that at some point. "Honey, sometimes I get out of hand, and I don't expect you to back down just b/c I'm a girl. Frankly, I may need to be put in my place. I need you to be the man." That would be fvcking hot to hear from your GF and you might get what you want: a more dominant man.

But, be sure that's what you want. That is not the same thing as the "we're 50-50, we're best friends and lovers" idea that a lot of women have today (that usually doesn't work).

 

[Interceptor]

AphaGirl,
one thing to remember is that one of the KEY , Critical Traits that Men find attractive in a Femenine woman, is her Vulnerability.
Men are attracted to Femenine women who are comfortable with their Vulnerability.

You must think in terms of Magnetism and Polarities here.

Femenine men are drawn to Masculine/Dominant women, because they are attracted to that which they feel they do not have.These men are looking for their masculinity, and validation of their masculinity.
In every relationship there is a Yin and Yang mechanism. Most men feel comfortable in the Yang, and most women feel comfortable in the Yin.
But when you reverse the roles, you have disfunction sometimes.
It is a reversed or inversed mechanism.
But these women, though masculine and dominant, are still women and hetero.
Thus, they are still attracted to masculinity and dominance.
So it takes an ULTRA masculine man to magnetize and make the polarity switch for her.
But these men are not looking for masculine/dominant women to polarize. (Hence the phrase all these inverted women repeat "where have all the men gone?" and the answer to that is they're here, just not looking for a manly female like YOU.)

They're attracted to those femenine women who are Comfortable with their VULNERABILITY.

Men DO NOT WANT to BE with WOMEN whom are COMPETING with them.

You're not flaunting your money, you're flaunting your invulnerability, and your not needing a man in your life.

When you advertise those things, you are advertising attraction killers.

"Im tough, dominant, and independent and I dont need a Man!"


Not sexy. Not attractive.
Thats a slogan to STAY SINGLE.

You push us away with that, not attract us.

No wonder you dont find satisfaction in the dating world.

 

[sodbuster]

Well,as a 49yr old dentist(formerly married to a CPA), here are my thoughts. My ex made 1/4 the salary I did,but thought she knew more about everything. I put a couple of cotton rolls in her mouth(my office) and told her to rest on them. When I came back-they were laying on the tray, not in her mouth. I told her,"d#$%it woman,HERE I know more than you do!"
So, when I hear a woman claim"independant", to me thats code for "I don't listen to anything a man says".Since we can't use a 2x4" board to get you to listen,we walk.
Cute is in the eye of the beholder,our opinion actually counts more than yours for once. I've seen alot of women who are supposedly "about average" in build-theres a pretty big version of average running around now.I'm not looking for a woman Id have to drink goodlooking.
Gone about a week a month,working 50 hours a week? Just the kind of woman I'm looking for, I really want to have to leave the office [or send a staff member if I'm tied down with a patient] to get the kids because you are too busy. Not my idea of LTR material,since I've already been there,done that. You need to find a man who's job isn't important to him if you plan on kids[maybe 1 of those golddiggers or afc's who are willing to play Mr. Mom.
If you are really "all that" and can't find a FB, post a picture. I'm sure there are plenty of men here who will send you home in the morning with "a limp and a smile"

 

[AlphaGirl78]

Well, after considering everything you've said, ... you sound pretty great - to be honest. I break convention here by actually putting intellect before beauty. To me, looks is second. I'd take cute and in-shape with high intelligence over a 9 or 10 that has trouble spelling her name any day (who's also a monetary liability as well).

We could probably all give you some brutal (and more accurate) honesty if we had a pic. Do you think you could take that level of truth? You could link a pic somewhere and it'd still be mostly anonymous. The pic would need to be full-body. Or, heck, what are your stats?

I could never post a pic...i found out about this place by listening to some of my male co-workers. i asked questions. After a few type-ins on google ..i found it. I don't think they are active posters .. but for all i know one of them could be responding to me in this thread LOL How's that for irony!