Feeling disrespected, what's the best way to end it?

[49au]

I've been seeing a girl for about 3 months now. I'm 30, she's 27.

Overall, I have a pretty strong frame with her. She's a medical professional and makes six figures a year. She knows I make a little more than her (and despite her statements to the contrary, I know she values that).

I've been very dominant and said some pretty sexual, chauvinist, and outrageous things to her over the course of the months leading to us dating, as well as during our dates.

Examples: I tell her that women belong barefoot in the kitchen, despite her advanced degree and high salary. I spank her with my belt, I get rough with her during sex, etc. I posted a picture on FB of me and her ex (who I'm friends with, and who really burned her) having drinks with 5 Colombian girls, all solid 8+. I even went to a foreign country without her for a week, and barely talked to her the entire time. Toward the end of the trip she wrote me a sappy email about how she missed me. I responded that I'd be home soon, and she better be "wet and ready."

She is moving about 4 hours away for a year, to take a hospital residency so she can potentially land even higher paying jobs when she returns home.

The fact that she is moving (even if just for a year) came up a few weeks into us seeing each other, and I remained completely unaffected by it. Kept a solid frame. She even tested me once by calling and saying that she didn't know if she wanted to continue because I seemed to have "shut off my feelings" while she was developing feelings, and that bothered her. I calmly explained that I know she's moving away, and felt that it was wrong to develop feelings or put a label on anything. I apparently passed the test, because she quickly changed her tune and kept seeing me and fvcking me. Since then I've been very careful to avoid talk about a label, or planning on what we're going to do when she moves (which is in a month).

She's obviously intent on getting engaged/married (not necessarily to any particular guy, just many of her friends are married or engaged, and this is really fvcking with her head), so IMO the relationship could've potentially been serious. My plan was to continue to see her and evaluate her for the possibility of a LTR, even long distance.

Anyway, she's a very energetic, social, popular girl. I'm used to her hanging out with both guys and girls in groups when I'm not around. I've never showed jealousy or asked questions.

Before I went on my trip, she asked me to come to a lounge with her and some of her old friends. This is the first time she brought me around them, and I took this as a good sign. I noticed a dynamic between her friends that was kind of odd. She briefly danced with her friend's husband, in front of her. She was also mildly flirting with another one of her friends. Of course, she spent most of the time dancing with and making out with me. I wrote it off to the fact that these were all people she's known for a few years.

I said nothing, took her home and fvcked her, and didn't think about it again.

Last night, she invited me to a house party with these same friends plus a few more people.

At the party, the dynamic continued as everyone got more and more drunk. She was groping one of her married girlfriends, in front of the girl's husband. If it was just girl-on-girl I wouldn't care, but she also danced with the husband a little bit, and flirted mildly with a guy that I met before at the lounge, especially after the guy's gf left.

I did not show jealousy or say anything, but I determined at that point that I was done with her. She may just naturally be flirtatious, and she's been friends everyone at that party for a few years. So I'm an outsider really. But regardless, I find her behavior emasculating, and I won't tolerate it.

On the way home, I remained cool. We live about 2 minutes away from each other, downtown. I didn't let on that anything was up until we drove by one of the clubs within walking distance to both our condos, and I casually said, "I could drop you off if you want to keep the party going." She gave me a weird look and said she had a headache and couldn't possibly party anymore.

Then she said "Your place or mine?"

I told her I was dropping her off at her place, and going home to sleep in my own bed. The look on her face was priceless.

True to my word, I dropped her off in the valet lane and went home. I haven't said anything to her, and she hasn't said anything to me yet.

My question is, what's the best way to handle this? We have mutual friends, and I want to go out strong.

It looks like I have these options:

1. Go no contact, and wait for her to contact me to find out what's going on.
2. Text her and say that while I enjoyed getting to know her, I don't think things would work out long term so I think we should stop seeing each other now.
3. Go over to her house, clearly tell her that I do not tolerate disrespect like that, and for that reason I no longer want to see her. I'd have to remain calm and dispassionate of course.

I like option 3 for the simple fact of calling her to the floor on her wh0rish behavior, but I'm wondering what some of the more experienced guys would do.

I like the no contact option the least. It seems a little weak because who goes out with a girl exclusively (even though I resisted a label, we both agreed that we wouldn't see anyone else) for 2-3 months and then just drops her off never to speak to her again?

If we didn't have mutual friends and she didn't have hot female friends (including some that live in my building), I wouldn't care so much.

Thanks.

 

[zinc4]

if you don't plan on seeing her again then just go ghost...she shouldn't have done that so you owe her nothing...no need for an explanation and certainly not for a confrontation

 

[TheException]

Your mad because your girlfriend was flirting and getting attention from other guys? Well good luck finding a girl that doesnt do this pal. I think your insecurities are getting the better of you. She wasnt groping the guy or being really inappropriate. You need to work on conquering this part of yourself, because jealousy is a powerful emotion and its getting the better of you.

Alas, if you want to still break up...a simple "This relationship is not for me" and be done with it. No drama. Your not a woman, so dont go looking to create drama. Her reaction is irrelevant, you should break up if your unhappy regardless of her.

 

[Hexagram]

Your mad because your girlfriend was flirting and getting attention from other guys? Well good luck finding a girl that doesnt do this pal.
.

This has to be the most retarded comment I've read in a while.

 

[LMFAO]

I honestly think you did the right thing she's disrespecting you, you are basically calling her up on her ****. Whilst she hasn't necessarily cheated on you, going ghost can work as it will be a mental f*ck to her, friends or not. Just leave it as is and see what she does. Spin more plates.

 

[Atom Smasher]

By far, most of my girlfriends didn't flirt with other guys, and the few who did found themselves on the painful end of my correction and never did it again. There are women out there who will not show disrespect by flirting with other men in front of you, especially after your boundaries have been set.

OP, have you set boundaries with her previously? I think a discussion is in order, essentially option 3 without the actual breakup. Tell her DISPASSIONATELY what you expect. You may be surprised to find that she has been waiting for and needing this.

Contrary to what many of you younger guys think, most women LOVE when a man sets boundaries for her.

Personally I would have a talk with her and set those boundaries, however I think there are other issues at play here and that this isn't the only reason you want to part ways. Am I right?

 

[49au]

Thanks for the responses guys.

She is not my girlfriend, as I said, I've avoided putting a label on it.

That being said - I made a joke last night about getting an island girl pregnant on my recent trip, and she said, "You cheated! You know I'll slice your balls off."

I smiled and told her that I'd like to see her try.

But what's significant about her use of the word "cheated" (even though she knew it was a joke), is it tells me that in her mind, we are exclusive. And if we're exclusive in her view, then she should not act that way.

I'm aware that I will have to deal with guys hitting on girls I date (because I fortunately have been able to date 8s+ over the last 2-3 years), I'm used to it. I'm also aware that hotter women with more leverage, will try to test you to see if you really are worth them giving up their freedom for.

I just believe that what she did went beyond a simple test, into blatant disrespect.

I have called her out on disrespect before (in less serious areas, like being late, flaking, etc.) and she has responded very well to that. But I'm so turned off by her behavior that I'm not even interested in addressing it. If a woman openly flirts with other men (especially married men) in front of me and their wives, no matter how long they've known each other and how friendly they are, I see it as a fundamental character flaw. Imposing a rule isn't going to change her secret desires, and when she's out of your sight, she'll be a wh0re.

Nor do I want a long dramatic argument by option 3. If I do go that route, I know it's important to be unemotional, very brief, and make an immediate exit.


Atom Smasher,

Yes, there are other factors. It's deeper than just this behavior.

I haven't set boundaries with her in this particular area yet - it's been tough to because trying to impose rules would signal that I want a commitment from her. This girl is very hard to tie down, I've known her for 3 years and seen her discard a ton of guys, including some that most women would love to have. So I knew that a relationship/label had to be her idea, and that I couldn't push for it even slightly.

I like what you said, and I think it's true. Many women I've dated or talked to seem like they actually desire boundaries to be set, the same way children secretly feel loved when their parents do it.

But even if she willingly submitted to my ground rules, I'm too concerned by other aspects of her personality. She is most definitely the type to cheat, rules or no.

 

[goundra]

if you think that she can't feed you a sedative, and slice u up while you are sleeping, you'd better talk to a guy named John Bobbit.

 

[49au]

if you think that she can't feed you a sedative, and slice u up while you are sleeping, you'd better talk to a guy named John Bobbit.

My crazy ex-ex-girlfriend was in med school, the first time I fvcked her, I woke up the next morning to find her scalpel set on the table by the bed.

Kind of glad that one didn't work out.

 

[LMFAO]

if you think that she can't feed you a sedative, and slice u up while you are sleeping, you'd better talk to a guy named John Bobbit.

The woman was found "not guilty", what a surprise.

 

[Die Hard]

I'd go with option 1. Who owes who an explanation here? She owes you one, not the other way around. So it's her who should contact you, not the other way around.

 

[dangdang]

By far, most of my girlfriends didn't flirt with other guys, and the few who did found themselves on the painful end of my correction and never did it again. There are women out there who will not show disrespect by flirting with other men in front of you, especially after your boundaries have been set.

OP, have you set boundaries with her previously? I think a discussion is in order, essentially option 3 without the actual breakup. Tell her DISPASSIONATELY what you expect. You may be surprised to find that she has been waiting for and needing this.

Contrary to what many of you younger guys think, most women LOVE when a man sets boundaries for her.

Personally I would have a talk with her and set those boundaries, however I think there are other issues at play here and that this isn't the only reason you want to part ways. Am I right?

Just out of curiosity, what would this discussion look like? (I'm imagining several wrong ways to approach this, and wondering if you could give a quick overview of the flow in your opinion)

 

[TheException]

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheException
Your mad because your girlfriend was flirting and getting attention from other guys? Well good luck finding a girl that doesnt do this pal.
.

This has to be the most retarded comment I've read in a while.

Then either you clearly dont date attractive women or you lock them up in your basement and never let them see the light of day. In any social setting an attractive women is going to receive attention from men. Period. And if you allow yourself to show the jealously or anger that you feel in an OVERT manner...your a beta chump who looks majorly insecure. She talks to another guy, you go talk to another girl.

 

[Vidrio]

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheException
Your mad because your girlfriend was flirting and getting attention from other guys? Well good luck finding a girl that doesnt do this pal.
.

This has to be the most retarded comment I've read in a while.

Then either you clearly dont date attractive women or you lock them up in your basement and never let them see the light of day. In any social setting an attractive women is going to receive attention from men. Period. And if you allow yourself to show the jealously or anger that you feel in an OVERT manner...your a beta chump who looks majorly insecure. She talks to another guy, you go talk to another girl.

Your girlfriend flirting with other guys in front of your face is blatant disrespect. Of course she'll get attention from other guys, but she should quickly and politely reject their advances. OP didn't show any jealousy or anger in this situation. He handled it perfectly, and did exactly what I would do.

 

[cordoncordon]

To be honest, it really doesn't seem as if you are all that into this girl. And I'm not even talking about what happened last night, I am talking about your relationship in general and how you talk about her. It almost sounds as if you could take her or leave her. You certainly don't seem anywhere near as passionate about her as you did the girl that brought you to SS.

As for her flirting, while I can appreciate the fact that these are long term friends and hence she probably feels very comfortable around them, (which allows her to do those things) while she is with you, she in no way should be behaving that way. Lots of red flags there.

I would just email her and tell her in a matter of fact way that you don't feel as though what you two have is going to work out. That you wish her well in her year away, and hope that you and all the other friends you two know can remain friendly if/when you are around each other again.

 

[49au]

For anyone who reads this thread and finds themselves in a similar situation in the future - I really think there are two approaches to take here:

1) If you want to continue dating the woman and view her as really high value, then the best option is to flirt with other women in her view. Women care immensely what other women think of you. Their real interest is among themselves, we're just interchangeable props half the time.

2) If you don't think she's worth the trouble, just dump her.

Option 1 wasn't really there for me in this case because all the girls at the party were taken, mostly married. As someone walking into a group of friends, meeting some for the first time, I'm not going to cross the line of flirting with a married or otherwise taken woman. It's not a nightclub.

Had I been able to take option 1, that probably would've been my response.



Anyway, she called me while I was going to get lunch with a friend. She asked me if I was mad, I said "I'm not mad at all. I'm just turned off." I told her I'd call her later and hung up.

I call back a few hours later, no answer. Tried again, no answer. So I left a vm and dumped her.

Feels good.

 

[TheException]

Your girlfriend flirting with other guys in front of your face is blatant disrespect. Of course she'll get attention from other guys, but she should quickly and politely reject their advances. OP didn't show any jealousy or anger in this situation. He handled it perfectly, and did exactly what I would do

Perhaps we have different views on what the term flirting means. When OP says she was flirting with some guy, i see them having a conversation, cracking jokes, etc. I dont see flirting as the guy being all over the girl, she reciprocates, etc. That is disrespectful and would mean a breakup. Im guessing OP gf wasnt having to fend off this guy from trying to make out with her or repeated requests for her number right in front of OP.

The bottom line is girls love male attention. Its literally female cocaine. Ive been out with girls before and they strike up conversations with strangers at the bar. GIRLS ARE ALLOWED TO BE SOCIAL, even if its in our presence. But guess what...i didnt let insecurities or fear shake my frame. I truly laugh at the idea that your gf would ever leave you for some other chump in your presence. They are just social creatures. Imagine the script was flipped and you were with your female friends and just messing around drunk having a good time....would you expect your gf to give you a speech about crossing boundaries? No thats needy.

Bottom line though to OP, is if it truly upset you, then you did the right thing by breaking up with her. No doubt. But i just want to get you thinking...what truly upsets you about what she did? Was it honestly so blatantly clear cut borderline cheating on her part or do you think you could grow in this area(inner game) and realize it HONESTLY WAS NOT A BIG DEAL...after all she did dance/makeout with you all night...and laid you

 

[49au]

TheException,

I appreciate your post.

I do believe that men, not women, should control the frame. If I do not want my woman making sexually charged comments to another man in my presence (and god knows what she would do outside my presence), then that is not going to go on. If Girl X doesn't accept that, then I can move along until I find one that does. Casual conversation, I don't mind.

I do not buy into the "social butterfly" bullsh!t that leads us to believe it's ok for taken women to act like wh0res in the name of being friendly and outgoing.

Also, I think you should reread my post. The last time I saw her, I dropped her off at her place. I turned down sex with her.

 

[Hexagram]

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheException
Your mad because your girlfriend was flirting and getting attention from other guys? Well good luck finding a girl that doesnt do this pal.
.

This has to be the most retarded comment I've read in a while.

Then either you clearly dont date attractive women or you lock them up in your basement and never let them see the light of day. In any social setting an attractive women is going to receive attention from men. Period. And if you allow yourself to show the jealously or anger that you feel in an OVERT manner...your a beta chump who looks majorly insecure. She talks to another guy, you go talk to another girl.

Hahaha cool story bro. Youre probably the only one on here who doesnt think that she crossed the line.

Youre also deviating from OP's original issue. Receives attention? Of course she will. Talks to other guys at social settings? Nothing wrong with that. This does NOT equate to her blatantly flirting with other dudes in front you. Ignoring such red flag behaviour is as chumpish as it gets.

Anyway OP - you did the right thing. Lucky for you this happened early in the relationship, rather than much later down the road.

 

[49au]

cordon,

Nice to see you again.

Yes, I'm not quite as interested in her on a purely physical level. Also, I think she's a little more unstable than I'd like.

I actually got back together with the other girl - she pursued me very, very hard and I gave it a shot, but with both eyes wide open. I ultimately made the decision about 6 months in that she and I were always going to have too many fights, and decided to end things last Christmas. She still calls and texts.