Fear: It's only what you make it out to be

[backbreaker]

I want to talk about something that doesn't get talked about enough on this forum. FEAR

Growing up, I was what you would deserve "a person with bad nerves" I was jumpy, I worried about everything.

I learned, though trials and tribulations that you have nothing to fear, but fear itself. The worst case senserio in any situtation is going to happen in your mind only.

People wonder why I'm always happy and go lucky.. it's because of my mind. I literarly won't let bad or negative thoughts in.

See, most people are controlled by their thoughts and don't know how to control them instead. Once you learn how to do this, the world is yours.

I listen to stimulating music.. I like jazz and swing music.. that's just me, I know everyone isn't in to that.. but nothing is like sitting on the deck of my patio, close enough to the ocean where I can smell it, with a strawberry daiquiri, with a cigar and listen to Miles Davis on the stero while I'm tying this post.

when I go to sleep at night, I have dreams setup in advance. I actually map out my dreams for when I lay in bed for when I go to sleep. I won't get into them because that's my business, but it works for me. going to sleep is usually my fav part of the day actually, besides going to the race track of course

You could put me in jail, strip everything I have, and I would still be a happy guy.. because the only things that matter are what you precieve to matter. As long as I work my ass off and stay true to myself, i will always be happy regardless of what happens.

Another thing I noticed, when I lived my life with no direction, I feared everything. when I finally got on track i feared nothing. I'm not afraid of death, I'm not afraid to approach a woman. i can give a speech in front of 10 million people and would care less what the outcome is. It's a wonderful feeling.

It's kinda like V for Vendetta. Evie found something in life to live for. Once she found something in life to live for, nothing else mattered. even death.

so what am I saying? You have to find yourself. I can probably write a new york times best seller book on my life and i"m 3 weeks into being 24. I've been though and accomplished that much. but instead of being down on my "luck", I used everything that was thrown against me as bricks to build the foundation I stand on today.

 

[Zerix]

That's a darn good post. I think this is exactly what I needed. Gonna have to re-read quiet a few times. I have tons of fear, even over the most dumbest things, and I think negative a bit too much. Man, make a pt 2 for this post, with personal examples, and how you helped yourself overcome fear, because that's exactly what I need to learn how to do.

 

[backbreaker]

thanks

uh..okay

what I have learned, is overcoming fear has alot to do with your mental makeup. how comfortable you are in your own skin. i meant 100% of what i laid out in that post. I'm not afraid of anything, because i lived my life. I live it everyday. one of my favorite quotes is only a man that hasn't lived is afraid of death. I don't know where I got it from, I think I might even have made it up, but it rings true.

what is fear? Fear is basically nothing of being uncertain about a future outcome? I know I can do anything I put my mind to. I know you can take away everything I have, call me names, beat me everyday, but you can't take my mind away from me. the mind, the brain is an extremely powerful tool.

that's why i say to guys... if guys would just listen to me, you would have alot better outcome when ti comes to women. you need to forget completely about women for about a year. yes it's a long time.. but it will be the best thing you ever did for yourself. I went 3. I've spent so much time by myself, developing myself, my mental capacity, my will power to succeed, that women don't stand a chance.

Personal examples? none better than the company I had. Imagine being a 19 year old kid and getting kicked out of your house because you didn't want to go to college (that you ahd a free ride to) because you anted to start ac company. then being kicked out of your grandmothers house because her boyfriend doesn't like you. living in a car. it was at that point, when I had nothing...> iw as happy. Why? hell i don't know. I figured It won't get any worse than this. and I'm okay. I starred my life in the eye and I fought back.

horse racing, which is what I do now, pretty much the same thing. do you know how many people told me I was crazy for even thinking I can make a living handicapping horses and making a living off of it? But i had something that they didn't have.. will power and the mind to succeed. I literary believe if I put my mind to something, sooner or later I will figure it out., I've been offered a job by the DRF (which I won't take if my life depended on it, I make too much money and I don't like writing) and I could probably write a book now on handicapping, which I won't because this is a skill I spent 9 years developing.. I'm not very included to give what too me that long to hand out.

What are you really fearing when you see a hot woman that you want? That she will say she doesn't like you? So we are at the root point.. why do you even care if she likes you or not? I just know what i like. If I like you I will approach. you either like me or you don't. My ego isn't tied in to your approval (which is the reason guys won't approach).. hearing a girl isn't interested in them hurts your ego because your ego is based on the perception of what other people think of you. again, no negative thoughts.. if you knew what I actually thought about myself you would think I was the most arrogant bastard on earth.

 

[Holland]

Nice posts

I think at first it's kind of paradoxical, but once you understand it things start to make sense.
For example, you have to set your standards for yourself pretty high to be able to succeed in life, but then again the standards for your own personal happyness should be easily met.

What happened with me was that I would set this very high goal/dream, (which I'm still committed to) but then I would get frustrated when I didn't see any major progress in it.
Then I just realised: "Heey, this is just NOT working. I can't enjoy myself when I'm so stuck on outcome. In order for me to get to this high place I want, I have to be able to give my all and demand more from myself than anyone else AND enjoy the process of getting there step by step."
It kind of sucked cause this old 'attachment to outcome belief' was rooted for about 4 years, but now it's really starting to desolve and I live my life much more in the moment, enjoying and loving what I do.

Today, my highest priority in life is just being able to enjoy my life, no matter what's going around me. And when you're in Joy, you are confident and effective. So you could say that personal happyness and self-esteem are prerequisites for long-term achievement and the essence of succes.

It's also important to note that fear is only an anticipating perception of a negative outcome. It's what Freud called Neurotic Anxiety, it's fear that is not realistic (even though your mind thinks it is) and it always paralyzes or sabotages your life.
Objective Anxiety is something completely else, it is a fear that is realistic, it promotes taking action and helps you to escape from a threatening situation. For instance, when a lion comes chasing you, you all of a sudden have all the energy in the world to escape.

 

[Quiksilver]

great thoughts man

I can relate to one part in particular, very very well.

You could put me in jail, strip everything I have, and I would still be a happy guy.. because the only things that matter are what you precieve to matter. As long as I work my ass off and stay true to myself, i will always be happy regardless of what happens.

I have this attitude for everything, and from what I've seen, it's a dangerous attitude to have. Without a purpose, the notion that you could be happy(content) with whatever situation you're in could sink you to the bottom. With an attitude like this, it's imperative to find your passion and drive. I'm still working on it...

 

[KontrollerX]

"What are you really fearing when you see a hot woman that you want? That she will say she doesn't like you? So we are at the root point.. why do you even care if she likes you or not? I just know what i like. If I like you I will approach. you either like me or you don't. My ego isn't tied in to your approval (which is the reason guys won't approach).. hearing a girl isn't interested in them hurts your ego because your ego is based on the perception of what other people think of you. again, no negative thoughts.. if you knew what I actually thought about myself you would think I was the most arrogant bastard on earth."

This is my favorite part of the post.

Everyone on the site should read this part to get a reminder of what being a DJ is all about.

 

[Holland]

I have this attitude for everything, and from what I've seen, it's a dangerous attitude to have. Without a purpose, the notion that you could be happy(content) with whatever situation you're in could sink you to the bottom. With an attitude like this, it's imperative to find your passion and drive. I'm still working on it...

I agree.
If you're willing to settle for less you might end up like one of those guru's claiming they're o-so enlightened, yet have no possessions or other skills.

I think it's important to have a personal dream or mission for your life and when not pursueing it, it gives you some pain. Not so much pain that it paralyzes you to function effectively, but the kind of pain that pushes you in the direction you need, so you can live your dream.
Not the kind of pain of hopelessness and frustration, but the kind of pain that enables you to act courageously and won't allow you to settle for anything less than your ambitions.

 

[Gr33d]

when I go to sleep at night, I have dreams setup in advance. I actually map out my dreams for when I lay in bed for when I go to sleep. I won't get into them because that's my business, but it works for me. going to sleep is usually my fav part of the day actually, besides going to the race track of course

Aha, that's awesome. How do you do it? I have had some lucid dreams and actually got able to manipulate my dreams a little bit. It is, indeed, awesome to go to bed knowing you'll have fun even while sleeping.

 

[Interceptor]

FEAR is really about feeling like you don't have the skills to deal with things outside of your Comfort Zone.
Everythign is about having the Skills.

Wanting to get out of your Comfort Zone and live your life is a trait that is mandatory for a true DJ, a Masculine man.
Don't be afraid to make mistakes, or fail.
Be afraid of regretting that you didn't have the balls to do what you wanted to.
Be afraid of NOT DOING what you really wanted to do.

Are you going to live your life?

Or someone else's?



At the end of your life you may look back.
You'll either feel proud, or regretful.
Which one do you pick?


Don't wish it were easier, wish you were better.

 

[dot]

Aha, that's awesome. How do you do it? I have had some lucid dreams and actually got able to manipulate my dreams a little bit. It is, indeed, awesome to go to bed knowing you'll have fun even while sleeping.

Yeah I've never been able to setup my sleeping dreams. Whenever I'm really thinking about something before I go to bed, or if I have direction ("I'm gonna do this tomorrow") it always takes me forever to get to sleep.

 

[backbreaker]

I mean when I go to sleep I have no control over my dreams, their dreams. but when I am laying gin bed, and whatever I am visualizing, it's actually pretty fun.

 

[Donsing]

The only thing we fear is pain which can manifest into physical, mental or emotional pain, that's it. If we let go of the fear of pain then ..... (I don't know rather, "The sky is the limit"). Their will be no inhibitons and yes, it means if a person wants to commit a crime he will not think twice about the consequences. Now, the paradox, life is a maginificent, complex mirror so if their is no fear in the individual then the reflection in the mirror will not show you fear. Therefore their will not be any manifestation of pain such as rape, assualt, stealing, etc. Have fun. I am so scared, .

 

[diizy]

If you want to avoid fear, use the stoner attitude, I don't care.

Remember alot of substantial decisions are based upon fear. So don't actually let fear out of your life or you will lose drive.

I'm a very happy go lucky person and I really don't care what people say either, I just keep persisting.

 

[RogueWarrior]

I think fear for the recovering AFC is viewing any new woman as a carbon-copy of every past woman who you let take advantage of you. The more set-in-concreete this fear is would depend on how many times this has happened.

Lately I've been considering why I have a fear of stepping things up, taking the risk, making a move. Status quo is comfortable and safe. The big things in life give me pause. Do I choose to buy a house? Do I choose to relocate to a different part of the country where nobody knows me and I don't know anyone? Do I choose to make myself vulnerable to the fickle whims of a woman?

Sure I could quote Chun from Remo Williams: "Fear is nothing more than a feeling. You feel hot. You feel hungry. You feel afraid. Fear can never kill you."

But yet I find myself doing whatever I can to MINIMIZE THE RISK. That translates to being friends with a woman because if you're like me and not in it for a quick screw and you really want a LTR, you want to know that you're compatible and will actually enjoy spending time with her. Of course that generally leads to LJBF-ville.

 

[mpimpin]

Excellent Read BB! I have to say I enjoy reading your posts.

 

[Holland]

But yet I find myself doing whatever I can to MINIMIZE THE RISK. That translates to being friends with a woman because if you're like me and not in it for a quick screw and you really want a LTR, you want to know that you're compatible and will actually enjoy spending time with her. Of course that generally leads to LJBF-ville.

You're taking the wrong approach. First impressions give a pretty good indication if a girl is worth your time. If so, you close her and escalate to fuucking her. If she meets your standards, than you might consider an LTR.

This is my personal philosophy and it will give you a lot more power and choice with women: NEVER, NEVER get in a relationship with a girl you haven't fuucked yet.

Making out and having sex with a girl is one of the best ways to 'get to know' her. Best proof that you're compatible with a woman are her wet pusssy and your hard coock sliding in it with the both of you loving the experience. Your brilliant conversation skills can never beat that. If you don't understand this you'll just be another girlyman keeping her entertained.

Stop fooling yourself!

 

[XTR]

Hi everyone.
This is my 1st post here. I have recently started studying how to attract & interact with women. But I find myself more stuck after I learned materials from DeAngelo, Jeffries, even Shark (Attract & Date).

I'm mexican, 22 year-old, still a virgin. Two years ago ago I took a choice to start meeting women (with no previous experience) and had some positive responses, but got nowhere. I've not even got close to the make-out session.

What I'm experiencing is a lot of self-consciousness, I could be at a bar or a club hanging out with my friends, but when it comes to attract women I freak out and despite knowing the material (openers, body language) I still find I need to work on my confidence. I'm still in college, with no job but I doubt this has anything to do with my lack of confidence.

I find interesting what the OP said about forgetting meeting women for a year, I maybe start working on what I really want (however I'm into bicycle riding, I'm studying Industrial Engineering)

Any thoughts. I heard NLP could work in these cases.

 

[Holland]

Two years ago ago I took a choice to start meeting women (with no previous experience) and had some positive responses, but got nowhere. I've not even got close to the make-out session.

What kind of actions have you taken since that choice?


And how do you mean you got nowhere?
If you had some positive responses, you should give yourself credit for it and learn from the times it went wrong. It's not about getting that particular woman and beating yourself up if you don't get her the first time around. It's about building the skill, understanding social dynamics and developing self-esteem. After any (set of) situation(s), focus on the progress, instead of the highest result (even though you should keep your options open for that as well).

 

[XTR]

I mean that in 2005 I meet new girls than I'm doing right now without learning the stuff on how to approach, etc.

This year some chicks over different places have held strong eye contact with me, they were either with her BF or with a female friend. They were maybe 8's. The thing is I don't have the courage to approach them even knowing that nothing could go wrong (cuz she's making eye contact first).
Well, one time at a club, one lady was also interested in meeting me (holding eye contact, even though I didn't glance at her that much), but I don't know why I didn't start the conversation, the community says avoid asking her lame boring questions about herself, so I figured I were there just to have fun with my friends.

I don't know if this could work against me: I don't own a car, I live with my parents. In other words, could the psychological part that knowing I don't have a place to intimate with a girl could play against me, or am I focusing on external things that really don't matter.

 

[penkitten]

you are right, fear is not real and it is only what we make it to be.