Ex texts me out of the blue.

[Atom Smasher]

"Guy who started too many stupid insecure fights = unhappy relationship, fair is fair and she did what she had to do."

That's it in a nutshell. Her life became miserable and she had to leave. I'm sure that part of the reason you behaved that way was because of simple chemistry. She brought that out of you by her own weirdness and faults. Now she's seeking closure.

This is a rite of passage for every man. You are not alone. The great thing about being a man is that we always have tomorrow. We have the ability to analyze our behavior and do better the next time, as hard as it is to do that.

That's what it is to be a man. Life can knock me down 10,000 times, but if I get up 10,001 times, I win. And we can learn to mitigate many of those blows that life dishes out to us and become conquerers, as opposed to survivors.

Don't view this from a scarcity mindset, as if "there will never be another one like her". We men have a tendancy to do that to ourselves. Lick your wounds for a few days (it sounds like she poured some salt on them with her text), regroup and get back in the game.

I know you already know all this, but sometimes it's good to be reminded when the chips are down.

 

[backbreaker]

http://leimobile.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/its-a-trap.jpg

 

[Radharc]

Forgot to mention this one which is one of the classic tactics women use.

This is one of the ultimate acts of revenge for a woman. When you allow them into your life again, they make you feel things for them again, and then they twist a knife into your heart by giving you the friend card. Nothing satisfies them more than getting you to want them again only for them to spit at your face by turning you down cold.

Actually she is very smart. She knew exactly what to say to get emotion out of you and most guys would fall for the trap and reply but you didn't.

Her plan worked halfway. She was able to mess with your mind and confuse you which is why you're posting here. The other half was you replying to her thus allowing her to get back into contact with you in order to further whatever plans she had.

This is women tactics 101, to the OP, you would be surprised the kind of inane, childish and idiotic things a female who has been left can come up with. The thing is, with 99% of the males these days those tactics WORK.
I believe one of the most disturbing things for a woman is to deal with a man who can see trough her bulsh1t, that can read her behaviour and knows exactly what she is doing, and will act accordingly, that can beat her at the mind games.

In a way it´s a completely counter cultural behaviour, thats probably why all this seems so "unbelievable" to you. Stick around for a while and you´ll get to see why this all makes sense.

 

[harkkam08]

"Guy who started too many stupid insecure fights = unhappy relationship, fair is fair and she did what she had to do."

That's it in a nutshell. Her life became miserable and she had to leave. I'm sure that part of the reason you behaved that way was because of simple chemistry. She brought that out of you by her own weirdness and faults. Now she's seeking closure.

This is a rite of passage for every man. You are not alone. The great thing about being a man is that we always have tomorrow. We have the ability to analyze our behavior and do better the next time, as hard as it is to do that.

That's what it is to be a man. Life can knock me down 10,000 times, but if I get up 10,001 times, I win. And we can learn to mitigate many of those blows that life dishes out to us and become conquerers, as opposed to survivors.

Don't view this from a scarcity mindset, as if "there will never be another one like her". We men have a tendancy to do that to ourselves. Lick your wounds for a few days (it sounds like she poured some salt on them with her text), regroup and get back in the game.

I know you already know all this, but sometimes it's good to be reminded when the chips are down.

Thanks man, those words guide me yeah I do need to hear them again.

But how does a man live without the love of a woman? I dont mean sex and hookups but that deep love where you look into her eyes and you know you'd protect her and not give a second thought to your life to keep her safe.

The kind of love that you feel when you're driving and you look at her and you smile and she grabs your hand and holds it.

A man is supposed to not need women, not need love or be desperate, and supposed to be the prize or catch that women chase. Thats what the DJ bible instructs me to do and feel.

But I am a human being and how does one go from really loving somebody to being okay and totally happy without having anyone to love.

Right now and the past few months its just felt like I've been just making it chugging along. But nothing came close emotionally to what it felt like being with her.

I've hooked up with two women, I've gone to numerous parties and hung out with friends since we broke up. But I still feel lonely and empty. I workout and I study hard and keep myself productive and goal focused but memories of her laughter and mine flash across my mind and just makes me realize how alone I feel and how much I try hiding it

Is it reasonable to expect a man to be happy and satisfied with life after he's loved and has no one?

I can only imagine being okay, and stable but that part of your life that lives some more is dead until I find someone to love again.

 

[kingofstl]

Why would you want a woman who does this **** in your life? That's the simple beauty of NC.

 

[Masculinity]

Yeah I will ignore it. If I respond it just makes her think I am still pining for her in the wings.



Honestly though I a small part of me still loves her memories of her make me smile and feel a bit sad inside, but she has behaved in ways that make having a relationship difficult, rather shown me traits that would mean any relationship would be built on a weak foundation which is what I'm sure she was thinking about me when she broke up with me. Guy who started too many stupid insecure fights = unhappy relationship, fair is fair and she did what she had to do.

Except now I am more calm and collected to see that she wasn't the perfect person I had imagined her to be, she was a great gal but certain things about her, like her inability to focus on my positive traits and only see the negative will mean that in the future any fight or argument will result in a breakup because all thats worth fighting for in her mind is easily glossed over and forgotten.

I hope that I am able to build myself back up and get out there and spin plates.

That weak part inside of us is called wussiness and it's one of the top reasons why a girl ends up sweeping the floor with the guy for whom she has no respect. Respect yourself and value yourself like you're the prize and she will unconsciously do the same. When you raise your standards and not take drama from girls, they notice and realize you don't take their little games and treat you accordingly.

Sounds like you're making progress, keep up the good work!

 

[Masculinity]

You don't know females very well do you? Do a search on this forum about an ex contacting you again and see that this is very common. Mind games is a woman's specialty.

NOTHING IRKS A WOMAN MORE THAN SEEING HER FORMER MAN BEING HAPPIER WITHOUT HER OR KEEPING NO CONTACT WITH HER!

This is why NC works so well against women. They love the ego boost of knowing you still want them. They love the ego boost of knowing you are not happy. They love the ego boost of knowing they could still have you if they wanted. They love the ego boost of you still talking to them giving them attention and you being their emotional tampon/girlfriend.

The problem is that most guys can't keep NC with an ex or any woman that did them wrong even if their life depended on it. Guys fall for a woman's mind game very easily.

I agree, when you keep your NC flawless and don't show neediness, she's the one likely to crack and wanna get back to you because she feels like she's missing out.

 

[Masculinity]

"Guy who started too many stupid insecure fights = unhappy relationship, fair is fair and she did what she had to do."

Insecurities are to game like the freaking little ghosts that want to eat the yellow ball in pac-man; they just eat you till there's nothing left of the relationship and you get dumped like trash in a dumpster :box:

 

[maqnetik]

Why would you want a woman who does this **** in your life? That's the simple beauty of NC.

exactly

thats when you tell her: "i cant help you if you dont help yourself"



she needs to understand from the get-go youre not a little boy playing dress-up and that you prefer she exert the least possible effort towards others so she can give you and herself her best.

 

[harkkam08]

But can you really reach the pinnacle of happiness without being in a stable happy relationship. They did a study that the happiest were those who were married and had a good relationship.

That means that attracting women and sleeping with them over and over, even if you can attain the success of that, it doesnt last though the feelings.

I hooked up with two girls over the last two months and it felt good for a short period of time and 30 minutes later I was feeling like sh*t.

I think I can be happy ENOUGH alone to attract women but having a woman to hold and spend time with cant be bought or manufactured.

I think I would be happier in a relationship than being single not saying that being single means i has to feel miserable.

 

[Warrior74]

Thanks man, those words guide me yeah I do need to hear them again.

But how does a man live without the love of a woman? I dont mean sex and hookups but that deep love where you look into her eyes and you know you'd protect her and not give a second thought to your life to keep her safe.

How did you live before that? How did you live as kid before girls stopped being icky?

The kind of love that you feel when you're driving and you look at her and you smile and she grabs your hand and holds it.

I know people who have been married 20 years and never do crap like that. I have no doubt my parents love each other but they don't do that hollywood PDA crap, now maybe in private, who knows...but still. yeesh.

A man is supposed to not need women, not need love or be desperate, and supposed to be the prize or catch that women chase. Thats what the DJ bible instructs me to do and feel.

Not to be desperate and to not be a fool for love is an admirable goal. Wanting love and needing it are two different things, one of them is not love. Needs are air, food, water, shelter. All else is wants.

But I am a human being and how does one go from really loving somebody to being okay and totally happy without having anyone to love.

Time and being busy and having your own life.

Is it reasonable to expect a man to be happy and satisfied with life after he's loved and has no one?

Yes, yes it is perfectly reasonable.

I can only imagine being okay, and stable but that part of your life that lives some more is dead until I find someone to love again.

It's this belief (not fact, but belief, you have no science to prove your theory and you can always change your beliefs) that keeps you miserable. Let it go.


Having a child I can tell you this. I love my kid, I punish my kid when she's bad and sometimes I don't like the things she does. But I know she's a child and children are going to mess up, test boundries and slack off if you let them. Even when my kid is at her mothers all week I still love her. When I see her I still love her, when she acts up and gets a spanking and I have to be harsh, I still love her.

The same thing goes for a woman. You can love a woman and still be aware of what they are. You know how they act and why they do a lot of the things they do and you know that as a man you can love her and not tolerate crap behavior. And you can love her and leave her when you see crap behavior is all your gonna get from this particular woman. But when you put a woman and LURRRV above your self respect and what you know is right, then thats not really love is it?

The question then becomes what is love? If you buy the fact that love is putting someone elses happiness before yours, then you have a misguided notion of love. If love is being happy together and working together to help each other you may have a better definition. If love is saying, I love you enough to let you go and find your own happiness because this isn't working, thats a rock solid definition. I will say this and its probably taboo on here, but I love my daughter's mother. I will always love her. We have a child together and spent 10 years together. But I cannot be with her and respect myself. Her behaviors prevent that from happening. Walking away from her was the hardest thing I ever done, but I had to, I hated myself with her. I hated how weak I was and I didn't know how to fix it. If I knew what I know now I could have ran game on her and fixed it, but I didn't know. Thats the point of all of this...to learn how to manage and control your relationships and to know what your doing so when or if you find something special you want to hold on to you have the means to do so without losing your soul in the process. Good luck.

 

[harkkam08]

^ wow man, I really dont know what to say other than I can tell there is lots of life experience in your advice and maybe even a little bit of pain. It must have been very hard for you to walk away after loving somebody for ten years. I cant imagine the pain.

Thanks I think I have these beliefs and maybe I need to challenge them.

But how can I when my emotions tell me I am wrong. For example as I sit here in the night typing away studying for my class in my last semester of college.

I sit here alone and its quiet and I feel normal just regular not too bad but not too happy but neutral. Then a memory of a time when we were sitting in a park at night just laughing and goofing off pops into my head and it puts a big smile on my face.

I feel the physical emotions of happiness and thats what makes me think "I feel so bland and neutral right now, I was so happy then and only through a woman can you go from being neutral to happy"

I am reading everybody's advice and I just dont see how I can be just as happy when I was with her, emotionally to me it doesnt make sense.

 

[Naughty Ninja]

^ wow man, I really dont know what to say other than I can tell there is lots of life experience in your advice and maybe even a little bit of pain. It must have been very hard for you to walk away after loving somebody for ten years. I cant imagine the pain.

Thanks I think I have these beliefs and maybe I need to challenge them.

But how can I when my emotions tell me I am wrong. For example as I sit here in the night typing away studying for my class in my last semester of college.

I sit here alone and its quiet and I feel normal just regular not too bad but not too happy but neutral. Then a memory of a time when we were sitting in a park at night just laughing and goofing off pops into my head and it puts a big smile on my face.

I feel the physical emotions of happiness and thats what makes me think "I feel so bland and neutral right now, I was so happy then and only through a woman can you go from being neutral to happy"

I am reading everybody's advice and I just dont see how I can be just as happy when I was with her, emotionally to me it doesnt make sense.

You have to be happy alone BEFORE you can be happy with someone else.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Harkkam, you are obviously a true romantic at heart. I was always that way too. I just wanted to be a nice guy, to love a woman and receive her love. In my imagination she would appreciate me for who I am and just stay infatuated with me forever.

But that ain't real, bro. The problem is that when we entertain those classic "Hollywood" notions of relationships, we are in fact NOT in love with the person. Rather, we are in love with the relationship, or more accurately, we are in love with being in love.

The girl becomes not much more than an addiction, because we become dependent on that feeling of "being in love". When the drug is suddenly withdrawn, we become deeply depressed and confused.

The answer is to work on building our lives FIRST< and seeing women not as the source of our hapiness and fullfillment, but rather an addition to an already satisfying life.

Work on building your empire. Build yourself, design your life, and you will start to sense that women are not necessary for fulfillment; they are only icing on the cake, your cake.

Tell me something... How long have you two been seeing each other? I know it has been 5 months since you broke up, but how long were you together for? I'm going somewhere with this.

 

[Warrior74]

You have to be happy alone BEFORE you can be happy with someone else.

You have to figure out what makes you happy. That takes self reflection. It takes looking at who you are as person and what you believe and what you want out of life. It has to deal with finding out what your passion in life is. Imagine you have everything, you have money, you have a woman you love, You have nothing to want for physically, you are in great health. Now what? What else would fill up your life and give it meaning? That is what you have to do now. If only a woman and children will fill up your life with meaning you aren't digging deep enough. When you start chasing your dream, you will find your life so full that women really won't be that important.

This year I put women on the backburner to do something I always wanted to do, start my own business and get out of debt. I've only dated two women this year...I been on only a handful of dates. But really I work from sun up till well after midnight, I'm growing my business and my reputation and im very close to being debt free. Its very very exciting for me, it makes me very happy and friends and family have commented on how I've changed. My confidence has grown, I smile more, I'm tired as sh1t, but I'm happy because I'm doing something I want to do. Having a woman would be nice, but honestly I'm so busy its kinda hard to fit a serious relationship in at the moment. All I really want is some regular sex and dates...that's it. Anything more is gonna distract and detract from what I'm trying to accomplish here.

You gotta get busy on something else. It takes time. Chasing your dreams will get you out of neutral man.

 

[harkkam08]

Harkkam, you are obviously a true romantic at heart. I was always that way too. I just wanted to be a nice guy, to love a woman and receive her love. In my imagination she would appreciate me for who I am and just stay infatuated with me forever.

But that ain't real, bro. The problem is that when we entertain those classic "Hollywood" notions of relationships, we are in fact NOT in love with the person. Rather, we are in love with the relationship, or more accurately, we are in love with being in love.

The girl becomes not much more than an addiction, because we become dependent on that feeling of "being in love". When the drug is suddenly withdrawn, we become deeply depressed and confused.

The answer is to work on building our lives FIRST< and seeing women not as the source of our hapiness and fullfillment, but rather an addition to an already satisfying life.

Work on building your empire. Build yourself, design your life, and you will start to sense that women are not necessary for fulfillment; they are only icing on the cake, your cake.

Tell me something... How long have you two been seeing each other? I know it has been 5 months since you broke up, but how long were you together for? I'm going somewhere with this.

We were together for one year.

hmm....yeah my mother always used to tell me I was a little Romeo lol.

I logically understand the whole definition of a woman being the icing on the cake, but that love those feelings do become like a drug in some ways.

The thing is that when you breakup its like your drug dealer just skipped town. Its not really mental, you can tell yourself that she is just an addition to my life.

But when a woman leaves, its hard making an empire, taking care of yourself etc that makes you FEEL the same way bro. Like in the past five months I havent been able to find a decent substitute that even came close.

I hit the gym, Im graduating, I made new friends, hooked up with girls, traveled, visited friends in different states.

None of that comes close to when I was just standing with her on a beach board walk at 11:00 at night cold as hell and Im making jokes and kissing her she is huddled close and i put my hands up her shirt and just feel her warm body on my hands and she looks at me with those eyes. I dont know i cant describe it

But yeah about the whole being in love forever and being infatuated forever, I really want that, where we always just love each other. I wouldnt say Im a nice guy because I did some messed up things jerky things in the relationship but yeah you nailed me on that.

Addicted to love
http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/addicted-love-brain/story?id=11110866

 

[Atom Smasher]

The reason that I asked about the length of the relationship is because I have stumbled upon a general principle that seems to be fairly universal in scope, and uncannily accurate.

The principle is this:
The period of grief over a relationship is equal to one-half the length of the relationship.

So for example, you have been with her for one year. According to this principal, your feelings of grief will let up at the 6 month mark.

That means you're almost out of the woods. You should see the painful feelings starting to dissipate soon. She poured salt in your wounds, like I said, but that sting will fall away shortly.

My last relationship was three years, and I noticed that exactly a year and a half after the breakup I started feeling better and getting my happiness and confidence back. In looking back on all my relationships, the principal is accurate. Every single one that I can remember followed the principal of grief period = 1/2 of relationship time.

Of course I wouldn't type this publically if it wasn't corroborated by my friends and associates.

 

[harkkam08]

^ Yes I've heard this saying as well. I'll chime in and you'll have another guy to prove it right.

Its not so much the pain but rather the blandness and loss of that high if you know what I mean.

I see you're 54 years old and Im not sure what kind of music you're into but if you've ever listened to jimi hendrix or robin trower or music that just takes you on that high. Thats what I feel like I am missing.

I think that no matter how long your relationship gets there should be romance in it thats why relationships die out because people dont feel loved and cared for.

 

[Iron]

Translated


hey its (name).
Ya im texting u.
I'm trolling you

I just wanted to say that in our relationship, I let you use me.
I want you to feel guilty

I hid my inner most feelings and insecurities because I guess i was never fully comfortable with you.
i want to destroy your ego

But thats all over and done with.
LOL

I still need to get over the fact that I let you use me and my body I was never ready (I thought I was but I did it mostly because I just didnt want to lose you.)
Please feel bad that you ****d me so I don't have to

Our relationship brought me alot of pain and it will be a long while till I begin to appreciate the things I've gained.
I want the guilt to swell up in you, and I want you to apologize so I can have the power

Im texting you this to let you know.
So that you'll feel obligated to text back

I dont want to go back.
I want you to come to me so I can reject you and make myself feel better

I hope you learn not blame others for your problems and hurt feelings.
I hope you understand everything is your fault

Lots of luck!"
Go **** yourself

 

[Atom Smasher]

Iron nailed the translation.