Ex still in the pic: sh*t test, disrespect, or other?

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Ok, I have something to learn here.

How do you come to the conclusion they are not dating? Which I'm not disputing but what did Dash say to make you assume this? I'm 46 and green to dating so this could be a big help down the road.

Good question. Guys tend to assume that because they've gone out with a woman for x amount of times they feel that they are "dating." Add sex into the mix and they really could feel that there is something more permanent about their relationship. Remember, they are working on an assumption. This isn't to say that women can not make this assumption but understand that it's just that, an assumption.

One of the tenets of the forum which I agree with is about defining the relationship as it comes to dating and exclusivity. Like in the movie "Fight Club" (although maybe not the first rule), DJ's do not talk about whether or not you are dating with the woman you are seeing. Without getting into all the reasons why (they've been posted recently), a woman will let you know if she wants to be exclusive when she's ready to be exclusive. In a nutshell, waiting for her to bring it up will up your percentage of success if a committed relationship is what you want.

This does not mean that she'll bring it up just because she wants to, she needs to know that you are interested first. Typically, they will bring it up if they'd like to be treated more like a girlfriend instead of just a friend or friend with benefits; they're basically looking for an upgrade in status.

In Dash's situation there's an issue with her making this request. As it stands it doesn't seem as if she needs to, she's already getting the benefits of dating without the mutually acknowledge commitment. Dates, vacations, sex and whatever other benefits without having to change her lifestyle. What else does she need? Can you say "Why buy the bull if the beef's for free?"

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Sometimes, the guys on here don't give women enough credit. I disagree, her actions are not fine. Listen to me very carefully: All women with a certain amount of experience and/or age know that a significant other wouldn't like them spending time with someone of the opposite sex, because they wouldn't like it if the situation were reversed.

Here's a question for 'ya, what specifically makes Dash her "significant other?" Typically the thing that signifies that is an engagement ring.

She has the upper-hand in the relationship, you are not at boyfriend level yet, and you may never be. The second she upgrades your status, all this talk of meeting up with other guys will suddenly stop.

I don't know if it will necessarily stop but I would expect things would change in such a way where Dash's status would not be in question.

 

[Mr. Wise]

Dash, without reading everyone else's posts I'm going to give you my opinion on this. To me, you're still in "dating" mode after 6 months which is mind boggling to me. If her IL was as high as you think, she'd be asking for a "commitment" and an LTR by now. I didn't read anywhere that you're committed in your post. If this is the case, she has every right to have "friends" who you don't have to know about and be able to see whomever she wants - she's not committed to you. It's part of her game. You should be doing the same thing.

What you gotta ask yourself is whether or not YOU want an LTR with her or not. If so, you need to raise her IL more. You've been doing the DJ thing which is great but she's not buying it because there's someone else still in the picture and you're doing the same thing over and over which is seeing her MOST Saturday nights through Sunday. You maybe confident and in control but you are NOT a challenge. You need to get less predicatable and skip a few of those Saturdays, emails, texts (which BTW are no longer a "surprise" anymore as you put it). Saturdays are prime nights and only reserved for LTR girls so you're NOT doing everything as "correct" as you see it. Predictable = non challenge. She knows that you'll hook up every Sat. and get an email/text or two already so she ain't worried. She knows you ain't going no where and has no feeling whatsoever that she could lose you.

Work in the challenge buddy. When you work in challenge, she'll want a committment and her IL will go through the roof. When that happens, she'll forget her Ex's name and become gameless.

 

[My Name is Nobody]

What the hell is it with women and there ex husbands? I just broke up with one who says her husband cheated on her and dumped her. Yet she still has pictures of him all over the f*cking place and was talking about him all night on new years eve. I'm trying to treat her good and she then flips on me after she looked at her ex husbands pictures. And he is likely out banging his mistress while leaving his ex "wife" broke without a place to live practically on the street..No kids too so no reason for her to still be attached.

And then she is trying to blame me because I cussed her out after she threw me out of her place when I was drunk and freezing to death couldn't drive an hour from my house. Nevermind the fact her irrational behavior occurred BEFORE I cussed her out in the first place.

Saying she can never forgive for the "horrible things" I said. Mainly being "You ****ing b!tch" a few times. And this is all after she told me I could crash on her sofa.

She won't even acknowledge or give me a reason why she threw me out in the first place.

What a joke. It HAS to be a joke and she is laughing right now, because she can't really be thinking that way right?

Psychos, all of them I tell you.

 

[MR_PERFECT]

Here's a question for 'ya, what specifically makes Dash her "significant other?" Typically the thing that signifies that is an engagement ring.

So what you're implying is that it's not a relationship until he presents her with a symbol of his undying love? People that use a ring as an excuse to be unfaithful usually have an ulterior motive for being in the relationship. If she had the appropriate feelings for wanting something serious, she will set the precedent now, not after the ring is presented.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

So what you're implying is that it's not a relationship until he presents her with a symbol of his undying love?

No, that's what you're saying. You used the term "significant other," not me. My question to you asked what you believed that he had done that merited a mutually agreed upon commitment. I've personally taken vacations with women I've bedded without dating them. So what makes you say that this woman even knows his interest of being anything other than friends with benefits (if that's what he actually wants)?

 

[Metro3pilot]

Hey Dash,

I'm from Colorado as well, you should try Taos for rafting this june, if the water is high enough have someone take you down the box, shyt is insane ... anyway

This woman is probably not going to change and all the Dj principles in the world won't change that, but by your description, she is not your " perfect woman "

with your current state of mind, self destruction is looming.

if you cannot accept this chick the way she is, it's time to cut her loose or
I predict much more frustration is in your future.

contrary to popular belief, some things are as they seem, not everything is a head game or a play for control of a relationship.

someone once told me " when you are ready to marry a girl take the one thing about her that bothers you the most and multiply it by 100x and if you can still live with her then you have a chance.

can you take her as she is ?

:rockon:

 

[MR_PERFECT]

No, that's what you're saying. You used the term "significant other," not me. My question to you asked what you believed that he had done that merited a mutually agreed upon commitment. I've personally taken vacations with women I've bedded without dating them. So what makes you say that this woman even knows his interest of being anything other than friends with benefits (if that's what he actually wants)?

Okay, I see what you're saying. No, there is no agreed upon commitment, which is his whole problem. As far as he's concerned, she's his significant other. From what I'm reading, he's a guy she's dating. His mistake was not reading the relationship better, so now he's stuck with these feeling that aren't being reciprocated.

He's not the guy for her. She likes him, but not enough. She will date him until some other guy comes along or she'll end up with him becuase she feels she can't do any better.

 

[Mr. Me]

My gawd, you guys nitpicking through the nuances of whether or not he's in a committed relationship or not, I understand the point but... it does begin to read like an Oprah forum after a while...

 

[drmeathead]

dude time to start finding other options. as i was once told by a wise man...if she can go out, then you to. if she asks if u went out...tell her you did and leave it at that. this doesnt look good long term. guys and girls arent friends...sex gets in the way. with all this stuff with the ex and the lunch friends going on...what else is there that she is omitting or what not. i agree with frivolusz21 you are getting screwed here. you can do better for yourself

 

[MacAvoy]

I agree that he should start seeing other people. He's spending too much of his emotional energy on this women. He needs to start spinning more plates as there is no committment.

It is the reason for his overanalysis of a women he has no commitment to. He should have other women to keep him busy while she's not around. Also being available every weekend as a previous poster said, takes away his value as the prize.

 

[MR_PERFECT]

My gawd, you guys nitpicking through the nuances of whether or not he's in a committed relationship or not, I understand the point but... it does begin to read like an Oprah forum after a while...

We're nitpicking because he doesn't know any better, his question is whether she's disrespecting him or not, and if he should say something to her about how he's feeling. By telling him the relationship is not committed, it keeps him from starting 20 threads about this woman.

The nuances of a relationship are everything to a man in his situation, because his feelings are involved. Men fall in love first, our love is more sincere, we're more likely to commit suicide over a breakup, etc...

 

[Mr. Me]

We're nitpicking because...

I said I understand why. The bottom line remains the same though, in my view, whether it's a committed relationship or they're both free agents. Either way, he's dealing with a woman who's got her ex in the picture, and the answer, whether they're committed or not, is for him to see others and not her, because, whether they're committed or not, she's the wrong choice to be with.

 

[aliasguy]

She may or may NOT be the right choice for him to be with RIGHT NOW. What does it matter. He's got a steady supply of sex and fun from a woman he LIKES. He just needs to keep his wits about him and not "fall in love" or want anything more from her than she wants to give. Everything is ok right now. It will fall apart eventually. He should just enjoy the ride.

The OP should consider her fun to be with sometimes, he should ignore the "ex" and "friends" talk, and keep doing exactly what he's doing, quit thinking so much, spin more plates, and enjoy himself.

See my first post in this thread. The 1st one after the OP. All this talk and the correct answer is right there.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

I'm going to make a wild guess but I'd say that the majority of you guys believe that a person should be given a higher position in a different area just for working in their position for some length of time. Even if you do believe that, should you be given the position even if you never showed interest in it?

 

[Mr. Me]

See my first post in this thread... All this talk and the correct answer is right there.

You wouldn't happen to be biased toward its author, would you?

He's got a steady supply of sex and fun from a woman he LIKES...

... who is seeing her ex husband...

It will fall apart eventually. He should just enjoy the ride...

This is like saying it's okay to eat junk food because you like it and enjoy it, even though it's not the best thing for you. Some day, you'll have your lil heart attack yes, but, that's okay, just enjoy the french fries.

I'm saying he ought to go have healthy food to enjoy instead.

You're telling this guy to ignore her activities because he's having a good time with her and getting sex regularly.

Basically, you're saying guys should put up with the antics of being with a low interest woman just because he likes her and is getting sex.

That's what AFCs do when they get married.

working in their position for some length of time. Even if you do believe that, should you be given the position even if you never showed interest in it?

1. He has shown interest in her by virtue of every time he called her up during the six months to say, "let's get together", the three road trips and all the weekend stayovers and showing her a "great time" everytime they're together.

2. He's not interested in her on the basis that she has a length of time with him, I'll betcha it's her purty face the affection she gives him and her fun personality that's got him interested, not some time log, so the analogy is probably way off.

 

[aliasguy]

You wouldn't happen to be biased toward its author, would you?



... who is seeing her ex husband...



This is like saying it's okay to eat junk food because you like it and enjoy it, even though it's not the best thing for you. Some day, you'll have your lil heart attack yes, but, that's okay, just enjoy the french fries.

I'm saying he ought to go have healthy food to enjoy instead.

You're telling this guy to ignore her activities because he's having a good time with her and getting sex regularly.

Basically, you're saying guys should put up with the antics of being with a low interest woman just because he likes her and is getting sex.

That's what AFCs do when they get married.



1. He has shown interest in her by virtue of every time he called her up during the six months to say, "let's get together", the three road trips and all the weekend stayovers and showing her a "great time" everytime they're together.

2. He's not interested in her on the basis that she has a length of time with him, I'll betcha it's her purty face the affection she gives him and her fun personality that's got him interested, not some time log, so the analogy is probably way off.

They're NOT married, NOT committed, and she's seeing other people. So what? He should, too. Who gives a SH*T about "antics"? What does it matter what she does when not with him? Who cares?

He should keep his mouth SHUT about the ex and the friends. And he should NOT expect ANYTHING from her. Did you read my whole post, or just what you quoted?

This is a no-brainer. He should keep on f*cking her and keep spinning other plates. All is well.

 

[Metro3pilot]

The problem is he's not spinning plates

it all comes down to :

does he want to spend his time trying to figure this chick out as he has done twice already this week or find someone he does not have to figure out ?

can the poster reasonibly deal with this chick or not ? so far he's spent a fair amount of time trying to figure her out .....

deal with her or move on ... those my friend are the only 2 choices

:rockon:

 

[My Name is Nobody]

So what's the deal; Is it normal for women to still bang there ex husbands?

 

[logic1]

Good question. Guys tend to assume that because they've gone out with a woman for x amount of times they feel that they are "dating." Add sex into the mix and they really could feel that there is something more permanent about their relationship. Remember, they are working on an assumption. This isn't to say that women can not make this assumption but understand that it's just that, an assumption.

One of the tenets of the forum which I agree with is about defining the relationship as it comes to dating and exclusivity. Like in the movie "Fight Club" (although maybe not the first rule), DJ's do not talk about whether or not you are dating with the woman you are seeing. Without getting into all the reasons why (they've been posted recently), a woman will let you know if she wants to be exclusive when she's ready to be exclusive. In a nutshell, waiting for her to bring it up will up your percentage of success if a committed relationship is what you want.

This does not mean that she'll bring it up just because she wants to, she needs to know that you are interested first. Typically, they will bring it up if they'd like to be treated more like a girlfriend instead of just a friend or friend with benefits; they're basically looking for an upgrade in status.

In Dash's situation there's an issue with her making this request. As it stands it doesn't seem as if she needs to, she's already getting the benefits of dating without the mutually acknowledge commitment. Dates, vacations, sex and whatever other benefits without having to change her lifestyle. What else does she need? Can you say "Why buy the bull if the beef's for free?"

Good answer. I understand exactly what you are getting at, especially with your last paragraph.

But will all women behave like this. I can see where some "mature" women especially the ones with morals and character would think you are exclusive or dating because of the sex and the other activities going on. Even without talking about it. Just a thought.