Ex still in the pic: sh*t test, disrespect, or other?

[guru1000]

Here is a clear example of why DJ'ing is not a solution.

You have showed her control and confidence, yet that is not the REAL you. You have applied priniciples to her that do not define who you are. A False Confidence portrayed.

One day you wake up 6 months later and her actions start to bother you. You cannot address them now, because had these actions truly invaded your internal boundaries, they should have been ADDRESSED IMMEDIATELY.

For you to address them now after the fact makes you look WEAK and INSECURE.

Truly is a dilemna.

The correct action is to set the RULES and express your boundaries from the beginning. Either she respects them or you walk away. However, you didn't. You cannot express your boundaries weeks or months after she overstepped them. This will show no backbone, like a kid who attacks his bully after years of abuse.

It looks like you are really into this girl as well.

Honestly, I see little chance of this being corrected without losing your MASCULINITY in her eyes.

Accept it or WALK AWAY.

 

[Phyzzle]

How do you come to the conclusion they are not dating? Which I'm not disputing but what did Dash say to make you assume this?

In his older threads. As I remember, this woman has repeatedly asked him for a committed relationship, and he has repeatedly said "no way."

Dash needs to make some tough choices. Right now, he wants this woman to tell her male friends to back off, to sit at home and behave - while he goes out and plays the field!

I don't know how long he can keep this balancing act up. This isn't some submissive third world teenager, this is a 31 year old American woman who KNOWS she has options. She's not going to sit at home forever while he stalls and stalls. Heck, she might make things happen through an "accidental" pregnancy at this rate.

 

[aliasguy]

I think it's clear that she IS "exercising her options."

She's got something going on with her EX, and with some "friend."

And that's ok. He should, too.

i don't understand what the problem is, here. She's doing what she wants. He ought to do what HE wants. Everybody's happy.

 

[wjh]

aslias, maybe because he's infatuated with her more than he's letting on?

 

[Latinoman]

Here is a clear example of why DJ'ing is not a solution.

You have showed her control and confidence, yet that is not the REAL you. You have applied priniciples to her that do not define who you are. A False Confidence portrayed.

One day you wake up 6 months later and her actions start to bother you. You cannot address them now, because had these actions truly invaded your internal boundaries, they should have been ADDRESSED IMMEDIATELY.

For you to address them now after the fact makes you look WEAK and INSECURE.

Truly is a dilemna.

The correct action is to set the RULES and express your boundaries from the beginning. Either she respects them or you walk away. However, you didn't. You cannot express your boundaries weeks or months after she overstepped them. This will show no backbone, like a kid who attacks his bully after years of abuse.

It looks like you are really into this girl as well.

Honestly, I see little chance of this being corrected without losing your MASCULINITY in her eyes.

Accept it or WALK AWAY.

I agree with this approach. It is the same approach I use VERY early in the relationship.

 

[STR8UP]

Run.

Run as fast as you can in the other direction.

there is NOTHING good that can come of this.

A woman isn't like a man. She either wants NOTHING to do with the man, or she still has feelings for him. there is no in between.

 

[Mr.Positive]

They're NOT married, NOT committed, and she's seeing other people. So what? He should, too. Who gives a SH*T about "antics"? What does it matter what she does when not with him? Who cares?

He should keep his mouth SHUT about the ex and the friends. And he should NOT expect ANYTHING from her. Did you read my whole post, or just what you quoted?

This is a no-brainer. He should keep on f*cking her and keep spinning other plates. All is well.

I agree with this 100%. Excellent advise Alias...

Nothing good will come out of bringing up the ex and the friends. If Dash let's this get to him, he will be perceived by her as insecure, and she will lose respect, and attraction instantly.

He should keep doing what he's doing, and keep other options open.

SHE should be the one pushing for an exclusive relationship, and lunch dates with an ex is NOT pushing for exclusive.

Dash, enjoy the time you spend with this woman..and just enjoy it for what it is. You will know when she is ready for something serious..her actions (not words) will be obvious.

 

[drmeathead]

dash i feel for you. it sounds like she isnt committed. that is no big deal then yuo arent either. it always seems that when i am committed to someone thats when the chances for random play go off the charts. i re read this whole thing and i think the major disrespect going on here is that she is telling you about the other guys. that is uncalled for. id tell her about it. simply and shortly...

look i dont care what yuo or whom you do it with when i am not around. i just dont want to hear about. it isnt my business.

if she shuts the hell up about things, enjoy the ride if her yapping hasnt ruined the relationship for you already . if she doesnt. you cant stay bro. this will eat at you to your very core.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

But will all women behave like this. I can see where some "mature" women especially the ones with morals and character would think you are exclusive or dating because of the sex and the other activities going on. Even without talking about it. Just a thought.

One word about this type of behavior and it applies to both men and women; options. Women are great for recognizing options and using them, men typically have a problem with this. I think it's because women are more effective multitaskers, ***cough***plates***cough***
Anyway...

Let's take your example about a "mature" woman, which most guys will equate with the word "old" but I'm not going to get into that. I will say that there are certain people who choose to limit their options for one reason or another, some things may be out of their control, others are. However, if they wanted the variety that options would give, they'd find a way.

Going back to Dash's situation, this woman has a ton of options and she's using them. Now the typical mindset (also considered as their ego) of men would be to drop her. That would make sense if Dash wanted something more, she knew this no uncertain terms and she still chose to keep her options open.

The problem is worse when guys use things instead of themselves as ways to show their affection. I'm not saying that this was Dash's premise but it definitely sounds like many of the replies where written by guys who believe this. It's like a woman believing that a guy should automatically marry her because she's had sex with him. I know, that's an extreme but still, a major reason for the downfall of relationships are when people do things while wanting something in return and not communicating their expectations. But if they communicated their expectations, would they even be expectations any more?

Which brings us back to the problem which is holding Dash back, how to communicate these expectations without looking like an AFC. First thing is that personally, I'd take any expectations from someone I wasn't dating with a grain of salt. So what can a guy do especially when adhering to the "no relationship talk" tenet? Easy, don't be afraid to talk about the situation without using the traits of an AFC, in this case jealousy. Not surprisingly, when guys begin to do this, women then start picking up on the signs the nature of his actual interest. THEN she can start thinking about that new option.

 

[Latinoman]

He did not set the boundaries at the beggining. But he still has a chance in this particular case. If he wants to keep this woman around and at the same time get her "respect" or some level of it... he MUST act like they are not in a "committed relationship". He MUST act like they are just dating (which is exactly how SHE is acting). In order for him to do that...he must do what she is doing. He has to start going to lunch with female friends (ugly, pretty, old, young, etc.) or co-workers or peers. And refer to them as "friends".

If this woman TRULY cares...she will eventually get annoyed. Eventually she will make it obvious that she wants a COMMITTED relationship...and this time around...you set the boundaries. Because you can used the "if you want to make this a committed relationship, there are some things I want to you know that I would find disrespectful from a woman that is in a committed relationship from me..." speech.

 

[JLR]

She may or may NOT be the right choice for him to be with RIGHT NOW. What does it matter. He's got a steady supply of sex and fun from a woman he LIKES. He just needs to keep his wits about him and not "fall in love" or want anything more from her than she wants to give. Everything is ok right now. It will fall apart eventually. He should just enjoy the ride.

The OP should consider her fun to be with sometimes, he should ignore the "ex" and "friends" talk, and keep doing exactly what he's doing, quit thinking so much, spin more plates, and enjoy himself.

See my first post in this thread. The 1st one after the OP. All this talk and the correct answer is right there.

Thank you... I can't believe there isn't more of this POV in this thread (well, at least as explicitly). The OP & gal aren't even in anything approaching an exclusive relationship--so why the fuss about what she's doing on the side? If he wants her, then he needs to make it happen through whatever supposed "DJ way" there is to accomplish that. I've always found that there's nothing wrong w/ having a frank discussion. I know--it'd be terrible to lose "control" of the relationship. Tell you what I've learned the past couple of years: control is an illusion, at least in the way it is desired on these boards. So many relationships are fleeting; if you find one you think is worthwhile, take a freaking chance instead of worrying about "maintaining the frame" & all that other b.s.

 

[Latinoman]

The fussis simple...HE is UNHAPPY.

 

[aliasguy]

Well, if he's that unhappy, he should stop seeing her.

But if he starts up with her about the ex and the friends, he's gonna end up screwing this up anyway. So the end result will be the same.

It's like I'm a broken record: ACCEPT them as they ARE. You cannot change them. If you want a woman who acts in a different way, dump the one you are with and go get another. Preferably, have more plates spinning.

The pattern with this one is already set. OP either lets it play out, or dumps her, or f*cks it up by whining to her about her ex and her "friends."