Ex-Husband still around? Looking for your views...

[penkitten]

The best thing you can do is go dark. Block her calls / texts, drop her from Facebook if you have one, cut off all contact. No messages via friends, no "hey howya doing?" nothing but indifference. You're off the grid for her.

i really wish you had actually wrote a thread years and years ago that was titled "go dark- you are off the grid to them" because it is something that i really had to learn the hard way when i was very naive.
this is really a hard lesson to learn especially when you don't want to listen, but truthfully it is the best stragegy.

 

[Slickster]

I really love this thread because it shows what you get when you demand respect from a woman.

PDubb you have started down a new road here. It is very impressive to see.

Every relationship you have from now on start demanding this same type of respect. Even the slightest sign of disrespect early on will quietly grow and swell over time causing you endless grief. Before you know it the relationship is over and you realize it really ended a long time ago. Nip that sh!t in the bud. If she continues to disrespect, move on!

It's when you finally start demanding (and receiving) this type of respect that your relationships with women will drastically change. You start noticing that you no longer have as many of the pain-in-the-ass chick problems that your buddies do. You start noticing how many guys refer to their gf's or wives with that "my ol' lady" tone where you just that know she is the boss of the relationship and she disrespects him all the time. It really makes me sick when I hear some buddy of mine tell me he has to rush home to do ________ because he's afraid of his wife.

How many unhappy guys stuck in bad relationships could've avoided all that grief if they just demanded some respect early on?

The ironic thing is these guys who are so afraid of their wives and girlfriends don't even realize that their women actually WANT a guy who is going to stand up for himself. For most it is way too late.

Funny thing is, when you demand respect, you also have to give it back. Your entire relationship improves. Once these boundaries are set early on in a relationship both parties are much happier.

This girl has a new respect for you right now and I agree that she'll be trying whatever she can early on to get you back. Rollo's comment about crying and desperation turning to feigned indifference is so true.

Glad to see you stand up PDubb. A great lesson for all.

Good luck

Slick

 

[Nutz]

neither of them are over each other.
they may not be "doing it" right now, but it ain't over.
if it was completely over, neither of them would give a crap about the other, or want to be spending weekends at each others houses and planning events in the future that the other will attend like "future weddings and milesone birthdays".
both of them are still hanging on to something...
perhaps one might be scared to move on, but there's just no way that they are both too scared ....

For the benefit of others, read pen's advice here and then consider ths: The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. How's that jive with a woman still in contact with her ex(es)?

 

[Nutz]

Appreciate the support guys. And the help with making the decision.

She immediately started coming up with compromises to make it work. Including saying she wouldn't go see him anymore, but said that if he came in town she still would. She even offered to have me come with, so that I knew nothing was going on. I almost cracked.

I told her I'm not going to deal with it. She then said "what are you, 12 years old? Are you a fvckin toddler?? Jesus, we are friends! Call me when you learn to pull your Huggies up" and she hung up. LMFAO. I never realized that your g/f sleeping at her ex-husbands house was a big issue at 12 years old.

Anyway, she calls me back 5 minutes later apologizing. And asks me if we can "just try dating". Meaning, back this up a bit, get to know each other better, and maybe it can work later on. I flat out told her I didn't see it working, and that I'm gonna be dating other girls. She said she wants to try. So, I guess why not, right? I'll use this time to find an upgrade (or 3) and still have her on the side.

I already feel better about ending the relationship. All that's on my mind now is getting back out there and finding someone else.

I found out later that some of her best friends have been telling her she's never going to find a guy until she drops her ex, and she just won't listen. Her best friend told a mutual friend of theirs (and mine) that she would be a fvckin idiot to screw things up with me, and she will lose all respect for her if she didn't try to change to keep me around. It's gotta tell you something when her best friends are on your side.

This is why game is empowering, it gave himchoice and cotrol over his dating life. Awesome!

 

[Buddha_Mind]

It's when you finally start demanding (and receiving) this type of respect that your relationships with women will drastically change. You start noticing that you no longer have as many of the pain-in-the-ass chick problems that your buddies do. You start noticing how many guys refer to their gf's or wives with that "my ol' lady" tone where you just that know she is the boss of the relationship and she disrespects him all the time. It really makes me sick when I hear some buddy of mine tell me he has to rush home to do ________ because he's afraid of his wife.

Man you are preaching the truth here. I had to learn the hard way myself too -- when you start to compromise yourself (often in very small increments), it can suddenly snowball or take shape into something you hadn't predicted -- and the whole time you are only sacrificing frame, and just as you noted Slickster, getting disrespected all of the time...

The truth is, it is very hard to walk away from a chick when you connect physically, and goddamn in many ways mentally and socially but there is that one red flag that keeps waiving...part of us doesn't want to see it...acknowledge it..."no just let me have this one, eh?" sort of mindset...but it's oblivious to ignore it because it reveals itself in time...mad props PDubb on standing up for the sort of behavior you expect out of a partner...this no doubt will get you closer to good things.

I have to agree to be careful with taking her with a grain of salt...I know you say you don't have any emotions for her and can remain detached...but I'm not sure that's always as easy said as done...

BPD label may be getting thrown around too loosely here -- it's easy to demonize women as BPD as an excuse for why the relationship was so crazy -- I think there has to be some admittance that all people, BPD, OCD or not, probably act more crazy in context of relationship, love, etc, than they might in their workplace, professional atmospheres, etc...when someone is emotionally invested in another person it is not always easy to see clearly with logic...I'm not sure all lunacy from women or men is BPD...some of it is desperation...some of it is a crashing of worlds when a relationship breaks down...a lot of this is normal (by no means am I suggesting some of those here have not been with bonified BPD women) ... but her freaking out was probably a normal response ... she probably really does like you PDubb, and she probably really did care for her ex at some point -- maybe he broke her heart (maybe she led to him cheating too) -- but especially when young, I do understand why she may be mentally clinging to him due to that period of immense care, or heavy emotional investment...but her not letting go of him is definitely repelling other men who would like to grow with her; and truth be told you're already dealing with situations like this, it's just one of others that would be along the road with this one...

Rollo, I really think you are right when you say letting her go is to prevent further damage to oneself via this person. It doesn't have to be out of some spite or hatred or anything..but rather not further investing in someone who will likely cause emotional damage in the end.

Cutting em loose takes strength man. Be proud. I know others here (myself included) probably should have cut certain ones loose long ago...keep pushing on...you will be a richer man in the long run.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

Dropping her completely instead of playing what will eventually turn into a power struggle is probably the best way to go man.

Sex never trumps emotional history...

 

[PDubb75]

Well, I thought I would give anyone who is interested a little laugh/update. I have had some contact with her, because of the fact shes pretty close with her cousin, who is practically married to my roommate. But, I can assure you, nothing is going on there and I am well past her.

So, apparently last Saturday one of my friends did that Facebook "check-in" and tagged me and this one girl with him at the bar (a girl my ex was always jealous of). My ex starts sending me texts saying she hates that I'm with her, and she doesn't know why it's bothering her so much, but it is. And she never feels like that after a breakup, so shes confused. I found that funny in itself.

Then I get on Facebook last night and see that she posted a video on my wall. Here you go: JoJo - Marvin's Room (Remix)

She claim's it made her think about me because I first played the original version by Drake for her. But the lyrics to this remix had me rolling on the floor laughing. She's still helping with that ego/confidence

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear PDubb,
Great to see the progress here....Just caught up with Rascally Rollo..."Here's a little experiment, as casually as possible find out when her period is. This shouldn't be to hard, since you're having sex with her (right?). I will bet you $25 that when she heads over to the ex's house on the next occasion she will be in the pro-phase of her menstrual cycle - meaning the 2nd week after her last period. When women are in the pro-phase window of their fertility cycle they specifically seek out Alpha men for sex, in the anti-phase they look for the comfort of beta-providers. If I'm correct, she's driving 5 hours every other month to ƒuck the only Alpha she knows will be consistently available."....Haven't laughed so much since Auntie Ada,caught her Mammaries in the Mangle....This is the exact method I used for what must have been 18? months,when I was hanging out of my Ex..

I started that business on a Christmas Eve...they are always super lonely then,almost but not quite as good as being their Birthday Present...

Mate,treat her as she would treat you,just another Plate...Remember there are two primary sides to a relationship,the Svexual and the emotional,the latter is the more important to a Woman...she obviously gets something from this guy,probably NOT svex that is missing with you and whoever else she favours with her fancies.

 

[sodbuster]

Well, YOU broke up with HER,she's not used to that..so she wants you back[for now]. A bit like her ex-husband[he "broke up" with her when he cheated]

 

[PDubb75]

Scaramouche... I appreciate your posts... when I finally figure out what you are talking about. I have a tough time understanding your sentance structure and consistent use of sayings I have never heard of, therefor have no idea of their meaning haha.

But to the point here: she is not "just another plate", because she is nothing to me anymore. Despite her attempts to get me back, I am not getting involved with her anymore. Not worth the sex, even considering how good it was.

I was curious if after I was emotionally removed from the situation if Rollo's post about her menstral cycle would make more sense. Turns out, I still think it was completely incorrect in this case. Not saying it's crap, as it may very well be the case other times, but none of it added up to that in this case.

A girl I am friends with on Facebook, who knew a little bit about the situation with this ex, saw the video on my wall and messaged me about it. She kept making comments how my ex is clearly not over me, and how pretty my ex is, and asking me if I'm really done with her. I basically ignored the questions and invited her out to get drinks, which she happily accepted. Loving this right now lol

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Are you ready for the pivot now?

Before I start, I should make a quick assessment of why she's pining for you. Five minutes of Alpha trumps five years of beta. You may not have thought you were exemplifying the best of Alphaness when you were with her, but the exciting thing about our new age of technology is that we can now learn from the benefit of accurate hindsight.

In truth you were borderline beta with this girl, but water seeks its own level. At 29 she staring at the Wall and my guess is her Alpha ex has moved on to a tighter ass than hers at this point. So what's a girl to do? Fall back to the next best Alpha that might show some provisioning potential - you. It's humorous because her actions essentially tell you "He's done ƒucking me now, so it's all good for us to get on with my life and get married."

The pivot is this; dumping a woman is the highest form of DHV. That applies to the girl you dump, but it also applies to women who know you dumped your last girlfriend. Telling a girl you dumped your last LTR is really hearsay and only fairly effective, but, as in your case, if the girl you're connecting with knew the dumped ex, that DHV gets transfered to her.

So here you are ostensibly with a new girl, that the ex publicly disapproves of, but you do approve of. The new girl is impressed with two things: you had enough ass in your britches to NEXT a girl she knows, thus you display your confidence in your own worth, AND she's the one who 'beat out' the ex of a confirmed, high value male. Capitalize on this and profit.

 

[PDubb75]

Thanks for the post, Rollo. Very well written. Even after the fact, I am still learning and improving from this.

I am not with another girl right now. Just having fun going out. This girl just happened to be out with my group.

Funny thing is, I did sleep with this girl that night. Not planned, that's for sure. Maybe my ex had a valid reason to dislike her lol

 

[Gray The Prince]

any update on this?

 

[PDubb75]

Not much to update. I do not talk to her anymore. Couldn't be happier about it.

The only information I do have, is from her friend, who I set up with my best friend. Apparently this girl still has had no contact with her ex-husband. So, as I had thought, it seems she was telling the truth in that respect. But there are still so many other issues, that I don't regret ending it at all.

 

[Hana]

She's extremely close with her ex-husband. She calls him her best friend.

I'm 26, she's 29, and they have been divorced for 3 years now. *Keep in mind, the following is based on what she told me: They have never once gotten physical since the divorce. She loves him for the fact he will always be there for her no matter what, but is not in love with him in a sexual or romantic way whatsoever. That feeling is the same for him. He cheated on her, which was the reason for the divorce, but things were bad for a while before that. They should have never gotten married as they were just extremely close friends and were stupid about trying to make a relationship out of it.

What bothers me so much about this, is the fact that he lives about 5 hours away. Because of this, she doesn't see him too often. However, when she does, it's her staying at his place for a weekend. And she tells me that he will be involved in her life. He will be at her 30th birthday, she will see him at or around Christmas, he will probably be at at her wedding.

I will begin by saying I am not a Mature Man...or even a man at all. Instead, I have the perspective of you girlfriend. I had been seperated from my ex-husband since 2009, and divorced from him since 2012. While separated, we were romantic one or two times. Since the divorce we have not been romantic, nor do I have the desire to be.
I got engaged to a fantastic man in September 2016, who has become my best friend. However, my ex-husband still remains one of my closest friends, and I feel very similar about him as your girlfriend explained she feels about her ex. To me, her words sound sincere. The one place we differ is that I cannot think of any reason why I would spend the night in the same place he is. That, to me, is just weird. It also sets yourself up to be in a situation that you could make bad, inpulsive, and regretable decisions. Why would anyone do that to themselves? IMO, you should accept what she has told you as truth, but let her know you would feel disrespected if she spent the night at his place while you were together, unless you were with her. Perhaps suggest she stay in a hotel if she is planning a trip to see her friend/ex. Maybe even offer the share the cost if you are financially able to do that.

No situation is black and white. If you like this girl, and potentially see a future with her, you must trust her until she gives you a reason not to. Please don't let your fear of what might happen cause you to make a bad and regretable decision.

 

[FwoGiZ]

I will begin by saying I am not a Mature Man...or even a man at all. Instead, I have the perspective of you girlfriend. I had been seperated from my ex-husband since 2009, and divorced from him since 2012. While separated, we were romantic one or two times. Since the divorce we have not been romantic, nor do I have the desire to be.
I got engaged to a fantastic man in September 2016, who has become my best friend. However, my ex-husband still remains one of my closest friends, and I feel very similar about him as your girlfriend explained she feels about her ex. To me, her words sound sincere. The one place we differ is that I cannot think of any reason why I would spend the night in the same place he is. That, to me, is just weird. It also sets yourself up to be in a situation that you could make bad, inpulsive, and regretable decisions. Why would anyone do that to themselves? IMO, you should accept what she has told you as truth, but let her know you would feel disrespected if she spent the night at his place while you were together, unless you were with her. Perhaps suggest she stay in a hotel if she is planning a trip to see her friend/ex. Maybe even offer the share the cost if you are financially able to do that.

No situation is black and white. If you like this girl, and potentially see a future with her, you must trust her until she gives you a reason not to. Please don't let your fear of what might happen cause you to make a bad and regretable decision.

You just revived a 5 and a half year old thread ;p just letting you know hehe