Ex-Husband still around? Looking for your views...

[PDubb75]

Ok, well it's pretty unanimous here, understandably. So my question for you guys now:

What do you feel should happen here for her to be trusted enough that she would be worth staying with? Anything?

The problem with her cutting him out completely has been mentioned here before. She may resent me for it and end up sneaking it.

What if there was a compromise of her still talking with him, but not staying over anymore? Do you feel that would be sufficient?

Any other suggestions? Or is it simply a lost cause, in your minds?

 

[PDubb75]

If she does not meet your expectations, then you will find another. Her true interest level will show itself in her reaction to your solid frame. If she toes the line, then she is interesetd. If she does not, then she would have wandered anyway.

This is one huge $hit-test. Better to walk away than to fail it. No pu$$y is worth the loss of self-respect on this one.

Right now, you are afraid to lose her. You say you are not AFC, but as long as you have this fear over you, it will cloud your judgements, and your actions. It already has, especially with considering that something like this is ok.

But I have done that. Twice. I have said "I think this was a mistake" and she went crazy trying to convince me otherwise. The other time I told her I wasn't ok with the situation, and if it wasn't going to change, I had to think about if I wanted this to continue. Again, she instantly tried to convince me that I had nothing to worry about. I've said it multiple times, I'm not questioning her interest in me. AT ALL.

 

[SecondHalf]

Any other suggestions? Or is it simply a lost cause, in your minds?

Use her for great sex (that's it!).
Spin more plates!

Every time my ex comes through my door for more than five minutes to deal with kid issues, I end up boinking her. And we don't even like each other.

Wake up PDubb!

SH

 

[BlackwaterPark]

I'd tell her you enjoy her company and would like to keep dating, but would rather not commit to a woman who's so close to her ex. Then spin plates and see how it goes from there. t

 

[The_411]

This can all be summed up using the following hockey penalties:


2 minute minor (too many men)/2 minute minor (playing with too many sticks) 2 minute minor (instigator) and finally Game misconduct (3rd man in)

The main thing here is why would a woman/anyone want to be friends with someone who cheated on them? That's the question you're not asking and not addressing. Friends in this case is a guise for here's a guy that rejected me and my ego is hurt so I want to either get back at him or I want him to take me back.

It's good for a woman to have an amicable status with exes but amicable with a guy who cheated on her and she's staying over? Oh, hell no. All it would take is a fight with you, her staying over there, having a drink or two and he's going to sex her.

Eject and do so quickly. When a woman is totally into you she won't try to put herself in a situation where she can get into trouble. In this case she's putting herself in a very dangerous situation. Her "honesty" about this "situation" isn't honesty at all. It's simply a cover for her to believe she was honest and told you everything when she's caught with his cack in her mouth.

 

[Slickster]

PDubb I understand that you want to trust her and who knows maybe there isn't anything going on.

However, I don't know how ANY man could be OK with this situation. I can't imagine how that must feel knowing YOUR woman is sleeping in ANOTHER man's house. Her ex to boot!!!

She has to know that 99.999% of the men on the planet are not going to be OK with something like this. For that reason alone I believe she is taking serious advantage of you. The fact that she seems to expect you to be OK with it.

Just please ask yourself if it were the other way around how would she react.

Do you have any old gf's you could stay at their place for the night?

Try that one out and see how it goes over.

 

[PDubb75]

PDubb I understand that you want to trust her and who knows maybe there isn't anything going on.

However, I don't know how ANY man could be OK with this situation. I can't imagine how that must feel knowing YOUR woman is sleeping in ANOTHER man's house. Her ex to boot!!!

She has to know that 99.999% of the men on the planet are not going to be OK with something like this. For that reason alone I believe she is taking serious advantage of you. The fact that she seems to expect you to be OK with it.

Just please ask yourself if it were the other way around how would she react.

Do you have any old gf's you could stay at their place for the night?

Try that one out and see how it goes over.

She says she understands that, so I know this next discussion won't come as a surprise to her.

I said to her "You know that if sides were switched, you would have an issue with this" and she didn't disagree at all. She said "I totally get it. I don't think you are wrong at all, and that's why I apologized for it. But I also know this situation and know that it isn't like that at all. I just hope you can understand that. He is simply a friend that, at this point, I don't want to lose."

She came out with me and my friends one night recently, and one of the plates I just dropped was there. She was freaking out all night. She was so paranoid that I was thinking about this other girl instead of her, that she even asked me if I was during sex (wtf?). So, if she doesn't understand, that is messed up on its own.

I'm not trying to argue with you guys here. You are all making great points. She's coming over tonight. Sounds like it's time for a talk.

 

[SgtSplacker]

I would just start seeing other people and when you go out with them just tell her your going to hang out with a friend. If she asks about that then tell her that you don't think she is ready to take you seriously yet. If your tagging her currently, then just relax with the other girls and if one of them is giving you what you want then ditch the bunk and get with the funk. Now I know this girl is pretty so just keep an eye out for upgrades, no reason to downgrade now right? All good. As far as i'm concerned the only issue here is the exclusivity. And she does not deserve yours, so dont give it to her. Other than that shes just a friend your banging for now and you should treat her that way. And as far as you feeling you trust her is concerned, you would not be the first person to be fooled by a person you trusted just keep that in mind.


And remember people tend to project what they are doing outside, so that random do you think about her when were having sex question may apply to her...

 

[CJ 101]

Dude start being less available, women tend to value a man who's hard to get, let her work to get your attention from now on and for the time being keep yourself busy by gaming other chicks and not devoting all of your time to her, IF SHE STILL WANTS TO SPEND TIME WITH HER EX THEN LET HER, just don't try and reason anything with her, LET YOUR ACTIONS SPEAK FOR THEMSELF.

 

[PDubb75]

And remember people tend to project what they are doing outside, so that random do you think about her when were having sex question may apply to her...

It wasn't exactly like that. We were out, and my ex-plate was there. All night my g/f was extremely jealous and trying to win my attention. Whole way home she was obviously insecure about the whole thing. Then we were having sex and she randomly says, right in the middle, "you aren't thinking about her right now, are you? I only want you thinking about me baby". I stopped, asked her if she was fvckin serious, told her that was bullsh!t, and told her to go sleep on the couch. She convinced me to stay in the bed, but I just went to sleep.

Dude start being less available, women tend to value a man who's hard to get, let her work to get your attention from now on and for the time being keep yourself busy by gaming other chicks and not devoting all of your time to her, IF SHE STILL WANTS TO SPEND TIME WITH HER EX THEN LET HER, just don't try and reason anything with her, LET YOUR ACTIONS SPEAK FOR THEMSELF.

We only talk/hang out when she initiates it. I only contact her first if I have a question or something. I don't answer her calls every time, and I tell her randomly that I can't do anything because I'm going out with some friends. Your advice is more along the lines of what I have been trying to do. I was trying to not let things bother me so much, therefore not demanding she doesn't see him. But the popular response here was that was wrong.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

PDUBB, The Medium IS the Message. You're 100% right when you state that she's completely upfront and truthful with you, and she IS showing it with her action.

What are her actions? Driving 5 hours to spend the weekend with an ex-husband whose infidelity was intolerable enough for them to divorce every other month because they're "such great friends." What message is that medium conveying to you?

She's planning (anticipating?) on having the guy drive 5 hours to attend her birthday party. What message is that medium conveying to you?

Quick question: Who initiated the divorce? Has she ever offered this info to you, or any of the particulars? If so, what were they?


Here's a little experiment, as casually as possible find out when her period is. This shouldn't be to hard, since you're having sex with her (right?). I will bet you $25 that when she heads over to the ex's house on the next occasion she will be in the pro-phase of her menstrual cycle - meaning the 2nd week after her last period. When women are in the pro-phase window of their fertility cycle they specifically seek out Alpha men for sex, in the anti-phase they look for the comfort of beta-providers. If I'm correct, she's driving 5 hours every other month to ƒuck the only Alpha she knows will be consistently available.

 

[Nutz]

PDUBB, The Medium IS the Message. You're 100% right when you state that she's completely upfront and truthful with you, and she IS showing it with her action.

What are her actions? Driving 5 hours to spend the weekend with an ex-husband whose infidelity was intolerable enough for them to divorce every other month because they're "such great friends." What message is that medium conveying to you?

She's planning (anticipating?) on having the guy drive 5 hours to attend her birthday party. What message is that medium conveying to you?

Quick question: Who initiated the divorce? Has she ever offered this info to you, or any of the particulars? If so, what were they?


Here's a little experiment, as casually as possible find out when her period is. This shouldn't be to hard, since you're having sex with her (right?). I will bet you $25 that when she heads over to the ex's house on the next occasion she will be in the pro-phase of her menstrual cycle - meaning the 2nd week after her last period. When women are in the pro-phase window of their fertility cycle they specifically seek out Alpha men for sex, in the anti-phase they look for the comfort of beta-providers. If I'm correct, she's driving 5 hours every other month to ƒuck the only Alpha she knows will be consistently available.

Great observation. I'll bet $5 Rollo is on to something.

 

[sodbuster]

Yep, I'm "just a friend" to an ex GF...engaged with a live in BF....but we still screw. Live in,didn't stop it. ENGAGED didn't stop it. Think about it...would MARRIAGE stop it? Yes,because thats a line I won't cross,bet SHE would though.

 

[Boilermaker]

I'll bet $15 that Rollo is not onto something; but two things.

i) She's fvcking the ex.
ii) She's fvcking the ex during her fvcking pro-phase.

Well the fact that

iii) She's fvcking Pdubb as a beta-provider otherwise,

everybody knows that.

:crackup:

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Rollo -- do you have a link to further information on female sexual behavior and menstruation? Very interesting notion you've described here, I'd like to learn more...


PDub -- if I can say from my own personal experience, this is just going to be a bad situation further down the road. This is occurring at month 2. If you are in the 2nd month of a relationship and dealing with an issue like her having an active-relationship with her ex, this is bad. I can also tell you from personal experience, that because she is probably hotter than you're normally used to [or thing you are entitled to] you have in some ways pedestal her because of her extreme active interest in you -- I understand that it is near impossible for you to want to drop her. BUT man, I am telling you, this is not going to end well.

But let's say she decides to keep the ex-hubbie as her best friend; who do you think she's gonna run to when you guys are fighting? Who do you think she's gonna confide in if you ask her to marry you? Who is she gonna seek advice from when she suspects that you're not being honest about something?

Are you OK with her ex-husband influencing your woman's decisions????

^ there is truth to this...even in a best-case scenario where she's not having sex with him, let's say she is telling the truth about the non-physical aspect: she may still very well discuss a lot of things about you with him, maybe even ask for situational advice...do you really feel comfortable with your girlfriend consoling in another man during any potential rough patches?

I'm not saying dropping a woman is easy -- I have, before, not been strong enough to drop a woman whom there are clear and obvious red flags: because I was into the sex, into the "mental image" of our relationship more than the "reality". But it is a lot easier on the outside, disengaged from the emotional attachment, to see an unhealthy situation.

Does she have a lot of other male friends in addition to this guy?

 

[macagent]

she's either fukking him now, or setting you up so she can fuk him later. EJect! Eject! Eject!

Also, IMO, her seeing your ex, triggered her to think about her ex, and yes she was thinking about him while fukking you. Which is why she asked what you were thinking...

 

[Slickster]

Holy what a mindfvck.

 

[PDubb75]

Quick question: Who initiated the divorce? Has she ever offered this info to you, or any of the particulars? If so, what were they?

What she told me was: Found out he cheated on her. She said it was the end of a long line of issues and she filed for divorce. At this point she moved out, and they didn't talk for about 10 months. She says one of the reasons she could never be back with him is because of what he did to her, but they eventually talked again and have since become close friends again.

Here's a little experiment, as casually as possible find out when her period is. This shouldn't be to hard, since you're having sex with her (right?). I will bet you $25 that when she heads over to the ex's house on the next occasion she will be in the pro-phase of her menstrual cycle - meaning the 2nd week after her last period. When women are in the pro-phase window of their fertility cycle they specifically seek out Alpha men for sex, in the anti-phase they look for the comfort of beta-providers. If I'm correct, she's driving 5 hours every other month to ƒuck the only Alpha she knows will be consistently available.

Rollo, I love your posts. You usually offer great advice and insight. But this had me bust out laughing. The 2 times I know of her going there were at very different times of the month. LOL I almost can't even take this seriously.... I don't even know what else to say here...

PDub -- if I can say from my own personal experience, this is just going to be a bad situation further down the road. This is occurring at month 2. If you are in the 2nd month of a relationship and dealing with an issue like her having an active-relationship with her ex, this is bad. I can also tell you from personal experience, that because she is probably hotter than you're normally used to [or thing you are entitled to] you have in some ways pedestal her because of her extreme active interest in you -- I understand that it is near impossible for you to want to drop her. BUT man, I am telling you, this is not going to end well.

Am I extremely attracted to her? Yes. Do I think she's "hotter than I'm entitled to"? Never. I have a lot of confidence in myself and don't think anyone is above me. That doesn't mean I don't have feelings for her. And of course when I feel that way, her extreme active interest is a great feeling. With that being said, you are probably right about the time frame aspect. This is supposed to be the easy part of a relationship.

^ there is truth to this...even in a best-case scenario where she's not having sex with him, let's say she is telling the truth about the non-physical aspect: she may still very well discuss a lot of things about you with him, maybe even ask for situational advice...do you really feel comfortable with your girlfriend consoling in another man during any potential rough patches?

I'm not saying dropping a woman is easy -- I have, before, not been strong enough to drop a woman whom there are clear and obvious red flags: because I was into the sex, into the "mental image" of our relationship more than the "reality". But it is a lot easier on the outside, disengaged from the emotional attachment, to see an unhealthy situation.

Does she have a lot of other male friends in addition to this guy?

What you just described as the best-case scenario is more what I feel is the case here. Again, I honestly do not feel that she is fvcking him. What you laid out, there is no way I can dispute, and that is exactly what bothers me.

She has a good amount of orbiters, guys talking to her on Facebook a lot, but there are only 2 guys she actually hangs out with. Not worried about them.

 

[macagent]

Rollo, I love your posts. You usually offer great advice and insight. But this had me bust out laughing. The 2 times I know of her going there were at very different times of the month. LOL I almost can't even take this seriously.... I don't even know what else to say here...

You can say that you don't understand that a female's cycle can be anywhere from 20-28 days in length and is apt to change based on external and environmental stimulus.

 

[Slickster]

Judging from your tone PDubb, I get the impression that you are going to attempt to convince yourself that this situation is OK. Heck you're already two months into this.

I just have no idea how you are going to avoid going absolutely insane on the nights you know they are together. For that reason alone this is an extremely unhealthy situation for you.

Sure you may be able to put on a good front for awhile but I suspect somewhere down the line all these little thoughts in the back of your mind are going to come out. Probably in a very negative way.

It's your life, but my definition of an exclusive relationship includes some fairly strict boundaries when it comes to friendships with members of the opposite sex. Those friendships don't exist in the same way as when you were single. In my experience they can't, otherwise the relationship suffers (and usually ends). Eventually other people and outside forces get in the way.

Sure, my wife has male friends but they are more acquaintances at this point. No talking on the phone for hours, no hanging out, no deep conversations, no dates, and definitely no sleep overs. These are "relationship" activities.

You supposedly have an "exclusive" relationship with this girl but she is actually having a relationship with both of you!

In regards to the claims that "nothing physical has happened" I really think that is a stretch as well. Even if nothing has happened both of them must have thought about it a lot. Is there a man on the planet, given the opportunity to screw an ex (with no strings attached and no one finds out) who wouldn't jump on that? At least try? These two used to get down and dirty all the time. How can they erase that from their minds? Impossible. I'd be really wary if they are partying together. Throw some alcohol in the mix and something is bound to happen.

Of all the different relationships and women I've had over the years I can't think of a single one I wouldn't sex again given the right opportunity. I'd like to throw that question out to every other guy out there too. We all know the answer. Even if you trust her how can you trust him knowing how guys "are"?


PDubb, it seems like you have a pretty good head, and you have made a great connection with a cool chick who you really like. If you two really have something great then why would she risk jeopardizing it?

I remember early in the thread you mentioned that she said something about "not wanting to lose her friendship with her ex". Why would she lose him? Where is he going? What's to lose? If they truly are such great friends then that should stand the test of time and distance. They're best friends for life right? Does she feel the need to go sleep over at all her best girlfriend's houses on a regular basis too? You know, just so she doesn't "lose" them. It's absurd.

Sorry PDubb but all this adds up to your exclusive girlfriend clinging to the hope that someday she and her ex might get back together. She is orbiting him.