Ex-Husband still around? Looking for your views...

[Solomon]

Slick is right.

You have already made up your mind. You will tolerate this and trust her. There is no reasoning with you at this point.

Every arugment we make, you respond with a variation of "she said.....". The board is unanimous in that you should not tolerate this.

She has sleepovers at her ex's house. It does not matter what she says.....in the end, they are just words.

Has she gone to see him yet while exclusive with you? Has she planned a trip to see him yet? Has she asked you to come too?

This thread is epic

You got all the vets giving the guy their "advice" and such and he still won't listen

No wonder I rarely comment on threads like these but I sure love watching the train wreck, this is why experience is so critical some guys have to learn the hard way, no "advice" nor "theory" will change that. Pain can be an extreme teacher (and Pdubb if he continues with this cuckold will experience this)

*continues to munch on popcorn as he sits back with a cigar watching thread*

 

[PDubb75]

You have already made up your mind. You will tolerate this and trust her. There is no reasoning with you at this point.

Every argument we make, you respond with a variation of "she said.....". The board is unanimous in that you should not tolerate this.

You are clearly only reading what you want to read. I have stated on multiple occasions that this has got me thinking, and I know you guys are right.

My posts like that were in response to questions that were asked of me. Not arguments against your thoughts.

Not sure how you guys are judging tone based on an online forum, but it's quite the opposite of what you seem to believe. I have convinced myself that I am ending this, baring some drastic changes on her end. In fact, I have even contacted one of my other plates.

If anything, I have kept bringing things up simply to hear more views on the situation, each of which has been taken to heart and has been helpful. I'm not looking for posts that tell me everything is cool and to stay with her. Not at all. If anything, I know this needs to end, and the more posts like this I read, the easier it will be. I haven't argued with anyone here, except for when their understanding of a situation was clearly wrong.

Slickster, thanks for your post. You worded some things in a way that really stuck with me.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Enjoy your cuckolding.

 

[Colossus]

Of all the different relationships and women I've had over the years I can't think of a single one I wouldn't sex again given the right opportunity. I'd like to throw that question out to every other guy out there too. We all know the answer. Even if you trust her how can you trust him knowing how guys "are"?

PDubb-

This is a really important thing to realize on the path to being more successful with women and relationships. As I mentioned earlier in this thread, women have a special brand of naivete sometimes when it comes to other men's intentions. Even in a case like this where she may or may not be intending to sleep with him, believe you me she will given the right conditions. I really dont wanna beat a dead horse here, but the guy cheated on her and she is still going back to him, having sleepovers and carrying on like a woman who is addicted to a man. The situation just sounds fishy all-around. I highly recommend you adopt the position that if your are going to commit to ONE vagina, which is a big deal, that your woman have no other men in her life. Casual friends are one thing but this guy is NOT a casual friend.

It sounds like you are on the right track mentally. A lot of posters here expect you to go from really liking a girl to dump in 2 seconds. You have to reason this out for a while, wrestle with it until you can start to remove your feelings from the situation and see what's rational. Once you make the hard choice and man-up, it will be so much easier for you in the future.

 

[PDubb75]

It sounds like you are on the right track mentally. A lot of posters here expect you to go from really liking a girl to dump in 2 seconds. You have to reason this out for a while, wrestle with it until you can start to remove your feelings from the situation and see what's rational. Once you make the hard choice and man-up, it will be so much easier for you in the future.

That right there is exactly where any hesitation and any questioning of these posts come in. It's obvious to me that this is an unhealthy relationship that is going nowhere positive if it continues. But I'm not gonna read a post and then immediately hop in my car and go break up with her.

I plan to end this. But I think I am going to go the route of spinning some more plates and looking for some other girls. If I know in my mind that this isn't going to work, I don't see the harm in keeping her around while I'm looking for an upgrade. Plus, she's insanely good social proof. She gets ridiculous attention from guys when we go out, but whenever she does, she starts making out with me instead of talking to them. Next thing I know, other girls start noticing. Can't hurt, right?

Espi and Colossus.. Thank you for the posts. A lot more willing to take advice when a post is written out like that, instead of attacking when I'm looking for advice.

 

[The_411]

PDubb,

This the classic addict mentality situation. We've all gone through it whether it's alcohol, drugs, gambling, or relationship or something else. The deefnse mechanisms are always the same: denial, bargining, attacking those that help you, blinding defending your logic, saying you can stop anytime, you don't know her/it, you don't know the situation, you can't understand etc.

Love can be one of the msot insidious addictions because it can do as much damage as the other addicitons but be more surreptious and subversive in its path to destruction.

The thing of it is we can advise, chastize, criticize you until we're blue in face but ultimately you have to go through the process and make decisions and learn for yourself. Sometimes we have to make poor decisions and see the ramifications of those poor decisions in order to have things click so we don't touch the hot stove again.

One of the biggest things I've learned in life is to trust the opinions of people who have no stake in the end result.

 

[PDubb75]

PDubb,

I am not sure if you are referencing me when you mention "being attacked", but I am just giving you my advice and my perception on what you will do. Again I may be wrong, but that is my perception. If my perception bothers you enough that you would ignore the advice, that is also up to you.

Good lucke mate.

Actually, no. You have posted several times here offering advice. That is all I asked for. I do think you made some assumptions based on misinformation, but whatever. I can weed that out myself. If anything, you seemed to be trying to help and got frustrated I wasn't listening. I'm telling you that I am. I might not have responded with "You are right! Fvck this b!tch, I'm done!", but I took the advice in.

 

[Boilermaker]

That right there is exactly where any hesitation and any questioning of these posts come in. It's obvious to me that this is an unhealthy relationship that is going nowhere positive if it continues. But I'm not gonna read a post and then immediately hop in my car and go break up with her.

Nobody is attacking you. It's just so much fun from outside. I am sure you experienced it too when you are observing another man's agony from a distance. It has nothing to do with you, the situation is just clearer from an independent observers' vantage point. So what I understand is this:

• You agree with the advice that has been generously offered to you
• You agree that you are more than likely cuckolding her
• You agree that you must end this
• You agree that this is not going anywhere

Yet when it comes to the immediate next action that is required (that is to cut her off cold turkey), you stumble and strike back: You are not going to jump in your car and end this.

Well my friend, that's exactly what you need to do. And that's it. That is what is necessary and you know it. Any rationalization that delays it is in reality shielding your ego from losing her, or losing the sex. Well, if you can be in that precious minority of men who do not trade self-respect to pvssy, more power to you.

But at least identify the problem. You cannot walk away from this, even if you know you desperately need to. Recognizing a problem is as important as the remedy.

Good luck.

 

[Aaron B]

PDUBB, The Medium IS the Message. You're 100% right when you state that she's completely upfront and truthful with you, and she IS showing it with her action.

What are her actions? Driving 5 hours to spend the weekend with an ex-husband whose infidelity was intolerable enough for them to divorce every other month because they're "such great friends." What message is that medium conveying to you?

She's planning (anticipating?) on having the guy drive 5 hours to attend her birthday party. What message is that medium conveying to you?

Quick question: Who initiated the divorce? Has she ever offered this info to you, or any of the particulars? If so, what were they?


Here's a little experiment, as casually as possible find out when her period is. This shouldn't be to hard, since you're having sex with her (right?). I will bet you $25 that when she heads over to the ex's house on the next occasion she will be in the pro-phase of her menstrual cycle - meaning the 2nd week after her last period. When women are in the pro-phase window of their fertility cycle they specifically seek out Alpha men for sex, in the anti-phase they look for the comfort of beta-providers. If I'm correct, she's driving 5 hours every other month to ƒuck the only Alpha she knows will be consistently available.

You just blew my mind with this post! :woo:

 

[penkitten]

neither of them are over each other.
they may not be "doing it" right now, but it ain't over.
if it was completely over, neither of them would give a crap about the other, or want to be spending weekends at each others houses and planning events in the future that the other will attend like "future weddings and milesone birthdays".
both of them are still hanging on to something...
perhaps one might be scared to move on, but there's just no way that they are both too scared ....

 

[PDubb75]

Relationship = done.

 

[sodbuster]

I was glad when my ex wife got a phone so she could text...then I didn't have to talk to the b1tch[got kids,so total ignore is impossible]. SHE talks to her ex[who cheated on her] with no kids involved?

 

[Slickster]

Good work PDubb

You deserve better than that and you WILL get it. Breakups can be tough but consider yourself one step closer to where you are really supposed to be.

I must say this is one of the best threads I've read on here in a long time.

Good luck.

Slick

 

[macagent]

Relationship = done.

bigups for having the strength!

 

[PDubb75]

Appreciate the support guys. And the help with making the decision.

She immediately started coming up with compromises to make it work. Including saying she wouldn't go see him anymore, but said that if he came in town she still would. She even offered to have me come with, so that I knew nothing was going on. I almost cracked.

I told her I'm not going to deal with it. She then said "what are you, 12 years old? Are you a fvckin toddler?? Jesus, we are friends! Call me when you learn to pull your Huggies up" and she hung up. LMFAO. I never realized that your g/f sleeping at her ex-husbands house was a big issue at 12 years old.

Anyway, she calls me back 5 minutes later apologizing. And asks me if we can "just try dating". Meaning, back this up a bit, get to know each other better, and maybe it can work later on. I flat out told her I didn't see it working, and that I'm gonna be dating other girls. She said she wants to try. So, I guess why not, right? I'll use this time to find an upgrade (or 3) and still have her on the side.

I already feel better about ending the relationship. All that's on my mind now is getting back out there and finding someone else.

I found out later that some of her best friends have been telling her she's never going to find a guy until she drops her ex, and she just won't listen. Her best friend told a mutual friend of theirs (and mine) that she would be a fvckin idiot to screw things up with me, and she will lose all respect for her if she didn't try to change to keep me around. It's gotta tell you something when her best friends are on your side.

 

[PDubb75]

I know you think you have the situation under control, but I think you'd be better off mentally if you keep the door closed on her. You emphatically ended it, and she looked for the smallest ounce of daylight to get back in, appealing desperately to your physical desires with "just dating." Unless you have 100% steeled yourself to treat this woman as a cvm dumpster and nothing more, then you'd better be careful. A woman scorned loves to turn the tables on a man. Just a warning.

I have 100% confidence that I will not allow anything more to happen here. No matter what she does. Even if she completely cuts off every last bit of contact with her ex, I'm not gonna be the guinea pig for her to test to see if it works.

And now that her friends are taking my side, I'm hearing some additional things that are pushing me even further away from getting more involved with this one.

I've already told myself that if I do see her, or "date" her, it will only be on days I have nothing better to do. But I don't plan to initiate things. And honestly, because of that, I don't see it even lasting long how it is. Which at this point, I am obviously ok with.

 

[The_411]

Well done sir and chapeau to you for not failing for her manipulative crap that was a clear attempt to get you back into they relationship by trying to put you on an emotional roller coaster.

She accused you of being a 12 year old as a manner of projection as she actually felt that way based on how she was acting after all she's the one that's cheating and thinking it's ok to date etc.

She's clearly mentally unfit and be glad she's not your problem.

 

[PDubb75]

I hate to throw this label out there but....

Together two months....
Love triangle....
Rages on the phone....
Calls you back after to apologize....
Clearly does not want to lose you....(abandonment)

I am going to be the first to throw the potential "BPD" label. It is still too early to tell, but she seems to be fitting the mold, and right on schedule....

Haha, I think that's a big stretch. Simply looking at the facts you laid out, I see where you are coming from. But it's really not like that. I wouldn't call it a "love triangle" and her comment on the phone was clearly out of frustration. It's not like it was a big deal at all. When she called back we were actually laughing about it.

But I'm also not going to sit here and defend her. Emotionally, it's no longer my issue and it's in the past. So, if it's "too early to tell" we will never know, cause it's over.

 

[Boilermaker]

Haha, I think that's a big stretch. Simply looking at the facts you laid out, I see where you are coming from. But it's really not like that. I wouldn't call it a "love triangle" and her comment on the phone was clearly out of frustration. It's not like it was a big deal at all. When she called back we were actually laughing about it.

But I'm also not going to sit here and defend her. Emotionally, it's no longer my issue and it's in the past. So, if it's "too early to tell" we will never know, cause it's over.

Congratulations brother. You will look back at this and see that you have grown. A lot of us have went through this. It hurts like a b!tch, but once it's over, you are a stronger man.

I recommend "Lonely Day" from System of A Down. If you feel bad or uneasy about it for whatever reason, come here brother. If Jophil was alive, he'd say this place is full of big brothers you've never had.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Never forget, dumping a girl is the ultimate DHV. She will pursue you for a bit.

You need to learn indifference.

Stay strong. What's going to happen next is she's going to go into recovery mode. In psychological terms she's about to go into what's called an extinction burst. You've removed her source of reward (i.e. attention, comfort, familiarity) and now she will frantically attempt to restore it.

About now she's realizing her lack of options (even if it's just one less), not contemplating her actions - keep that in mind. The intent of your leaving isn't punishment for her misbehavior, nor is it meant to teach her a lesson to learn from, it's to save your own life from further damage. Dumping a woman is DHV (demonstrating higher value) of the highest order. True or not, It implies you had other, better options than her. Dumping her implies you've just gone from a comfortable, familiar beta to the indifferent Alpha that she never realized you had a capacity for. You will hear from her again. At first it will be desperate and crying, later it will be casual with feigned nonchalance - don't take the bait.

The best thing you can do is go dark. Block her calls / texts, drop her from Facebook if you have one, cut off all contact. No messages via friends, no "hey howya doing?" nothing but indifference. You're off the grid for her.