Ex-Girlfriend's Dad just suddenly passed away.

[casthenova]

My ex-girlfriend's dad just suddenly past away last night of a heart attack and she found out this morning. I hadn't talked to her in 2 months, when we broke up, and called me right away. I didn't answer the first four times because I wasn't interested in talking to her but she texted me that it was emergency and her dad just died. As soon as I found out I was in tears also because it was so incredibly abrupt. I called her and she couldn't even speak. She hung up and that was the last I heard from all day.

I don't know how I am feeling but it is an intense experience. I considered her the one girl out of them all that I really cared about. I've known her since we were 16 and we dated back then. Then we tried again recently but it ended in some pretty big clashes. We did some really mean things to each other. I had written her off for good two months ago.

Then this happened and I just am in shock. It is really affecting me. I am thinking to myself that I shouldn't care because she burned me. But our relationship is still very fresh in my heart and mind and she really did break my heart. I wanted to be with her but only if it was going to improve. I figured a break up and some time apart would be best. Now she called me and I am just confused as to why. Did she call everyone she knew or is she alone? I just want to know that she is alright and I personally affected by this as well.

I think to myself that just as a decent human being when someone you cared about in your lifetime goes through this type of pain you just want to be there. I couldn't bring myself to put revenge over that and I opened myself back up to it.

I guess I could have just said oh, well your dad died but I am still not going to talk to you would be the pinnacle of immaturity and lack of humanity.

 

[casthenova]

I don't know what to say or do. It is the worst possible way for a parent to go and it happens to someone I care about. I was closer with her than everyone in my life with the exception of my best friend. What do you do in this situation?

 

[backbreaker]

no contact means no contact brah, not conditional contact

how stupid do you think we are? you are like the addict that uses the death of his father for an excuse to "try to ease the pain".

also, like you are the only freaking person she can call. I mean don't' get me wrong i'm not an *******, it sucks to lose someone close to you. But there is a way to handle it and a way not to handle it.

how you handle it: give your condolences, send flowers maybe and cut off contact again


how YOU are going to handle it: go over there, talk to her, let her cry to you, and eventfully tell her how much you miss her with the dead father as nothing but a backdrop to get back into her life.

My old oneitis called me TWICE after I said never to call me again, once her boyfriend tried to kill himself (Again.. i actually posted about this a while back on this forum) and the other one she was having daddy issues. use your imagination. ******* or not, that woman is a ****ing black plague and she got off on, regardless of the situation, knowing i wanted to **** her but not ****ing me, but yet making me help her deal with all her bull**** in her life at the same time. at some point you gotta move on regardless of the bullets that are flying by your head.

 

[casthenova]

Nah man that's just not right. I am not going to be like all the other people who just fake like they care and cut her off completely. I'd rather get burned again then by that kind of guy. Thanks for the input though.

I'm honestly not even making this about us in any way. I am more concerned about the fact that I met this guy. I shook his hand, and was close with him too. Her family was great to me.

I am still reacting to my own pain from this but I couldn't just pull the cliche card send a gift, give condolences and cut her off.

I am still dating other women and don't consider this oneitis.

Thanks for the input. Obiviously you have some experience with this type of situation although this is someone's dad not their boyfriend.

You consider this some bull**** issue? It is the most intense emotion I have ever felt with some serious conflict. I would consider her calling me and *****ing about her boyfriend to be an issue I wouldn't be slightly concerned about. But this is her dad. All I have been able to think about is how sad she must be feeling right now and how much she probably cried today.

This wasn't about getting back together or using some DJ principle, this was about seeking advice for how to cope with and help the situation.

 

[backbreaker]

Nah man that's just not right. I am not going to be like all the other people who just fake like they care and cut her off completely. I'd rather get burned again then by that kind of guy. Thanks for the input though.

I'm honestly not even making this about us in any way. I am more concerned about the fact that I met this guy. I shook his hand, and was close with him too. Her family was great to me.

I am still reacting to my own pain from this but I couldn't just pull the cliche card send a gift, give condolences and cut her off.

I am still dating other women and don't consider this oneitis.

Thanks for the input. Obiviously you have some experience with this type of situation although this is someone's dad not their boyfriend.

You consider this some bull**** issue? It is the most intense emotion I have ever felt with some serious conflict. I would consider her calling me and *****ing about her boyfriend to be an issue I wouldn't be slightly concerned about. But this is her dad. All I have been able to think about is how sad she must be feeling right now and how much she probably cried today.

This wasn't about getting back together or using some DJ principle, this was about seeking advice for how to cope with and help the situation.

lol, well you answered your own question then. you would rather get burned. you don't need our help then. don't' know why you came here in the first place. we aren't here to tell you what you want to hear, This isn't the set of friends son.

best of luck

 

[casthenova]

I was looking for some advice just man to man about a painful situation that's all. I am not looking at this from a relationship perspective. I know there's some people on this board that will have experience with this and maybe they to ultimately got burned and/or wished they had just not gotten involved.

I heed your warning though.

Cut her off completely because she burned me? So you are saying give her flowers, tell her that I am sorry it happened and then never talk to her again because of some minuscule drama that we both caused out of boredom?

I live two hours away and I don't go back home much often so I probably will just talk to her on the phone if she calls me. I don't want to make the situation worse and I'm speechless about the whole thing.

 

[backbreaker]

I was looking for some advice just man to man about a painful situation that's all. I am not looking at this from a relationship perspective. I know there's some people on this board that will have experience with this and maybe they to ultimately got burned and/or wished they had just not gotten involved.

lol, on a dating site lol, okay brah. I could break this post down to a T and tell you exatly what's going on as could the people who probably are about to respond after me, but I'm not because I'm about to get laid here in about 20 mintues lol

Cut her off completely because she burned me? So you are saying give her flowers, tell her that I am sorry it happened and then never talk to her again because of some minuscule drama that we both caused out of boredom?

pretty much.

 

[casthenova]

By the way, I wouldn't even get back together with her if she wanted to right now, so consider the relationship aspect of this irrelevant.

I just want to know how you support someone that is dealing with this type of situation. Just stay away or offer support?

 

[jophil28]

By the way, I wouldn't even get back together with her if she wanted to right now, so consider the relationship aspect of this irrelevant.

I just want to know how you support someone that is dealing with this type of situation. Just stay away or offer support?

Unfortunately, your feelings of distress and loss are going to lead you into "supporting" her in her grief, and it is inevitable ( despite your denial), that you and she will catch feelings for each other though this process. YOu may believe that you are immune, but you're not.
I agree with most of BB's position. You need to express whatever you want to express at a distance. Detachment is key here.
Grief does bizarre things to humans and their emotions, especially to those who are dealing with an ex, and a recent one at that.

Good luck.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Casthenova,
"I called her and she couldn't even speak. She hung up and that was the last I heard from all day"She is a theatre Queen fishing for sympathy...As to "sending her flowers",its him you are sending flowers to...No contact is just that.....I had an identical situation,I just sent flowers to the Mother,and later on when she dropped off the mortal coil I sent flowers to the Sister....Of course if you want a culturally valid reason for reigniting the fire,go ahead,you will soon reappreciate why you dropped her in the first place.

 

[DJDamage]

Yeah man like everyone else said, express from a far unless you really respected the guy and wanted to attend his funeral then that is another story (but even then after you stayed for the burial ceremony, you should get out as fast as possible. Don't worry about your ex she's got plenty of family and girlfriends for support to help her with her grief so its really shouldn't be your concern anymore).

 

[Sir Psycho Sexy]

Iv been in the exact same situation you are currently in, an ex girlfriend's father passes away but she was the one who left me for another guy(burned my afc a$$).

This is how I handled it,
(She still had her new boyfriend at this point)
We briefly talked and texted the day after he passed away, she asked me to go to the viewing and I did out of respect for the man, I felt like I owed it to him, not her. When I got there and she saw me she broke down and hugged me for a long time. After a little bit of that I pushed away, gave my respect to him and took off within 10 minutes.

There were some strong feelings in the room and it had been the first time she had seen me in 6 MONTHS. A few weeks later she breaks up with her boyfriend and contacts me, trying to convince me to take her back.


So my advice? Go to the viewing if she asks you to but dont make it about her, be respectful. Dont try to help her grieve, she has plenty of friends and family for that, its just not your job to do that!

 

[backbreaker]

Now that I have a little time, I'm going to show you why doing anything other than what Sir physo sexy just broke down to you is a mistake.


I think you still have (Strong) feelings for her, it's quite ovbious, but let's assume you don't.

Men think in terms of thigns like respect like he posted above.

I'm going to tell you exactly what the woman is thinking.

She will contact you.. to her, you showing up for her father, shows to her that you still care about her, becuase to her, why would you bother to show up if you did not like her? I promise you, that's how she will take the situtation rather you like her or not. She might not even come out and directly say it, she might just start spending more time with you, doing things like you guys never broke up, because you have already shown her that you like her by coming to the funeral. That's why I say no contact. no contact means no contact. you call it being harsh, I call it thinking ahead.

3 months from now, it won't be about the father anymore, that will be long gone it will be how did I let her back in my life.

 

[romangod]

She will contact you.. to her, you showing up for her father, shows to her that you still care about her, becuase to her, why would you bother to show up if you did not like her?

I thought that showing up would be to pay his respects to her father. If he was close to the father, it's the right thing to do.

An old girlfriend of mine's mother passed away. We went out for 3 years and her mother and I got on well and liked each other. Her 2 brothers and I also got on well.

She'd married and we haven' been in contact for years. I read about it in the paper and showed up to pay my respects. They were happy that I came and it went well.

I'm happy that I went and my conscience was clear.

Still, I was over her at the time. If the OP can't handle the meeting then sending his condolences would be appropriate.


Cheers!

 

[casthenova]

Thanks guys, all of your feedback has been really helpful and I understand why you all are recommending the same thing.

Unfortunately, your feelings of distress and loss are going to lead you into "supporting" her in her grief, and it is inevitable ( despite your denial), that you and she will catch feelings for each other though this process. YOu may believe that you are immune, but you're not.
I agree with most of BB's position. You need to express whatever you want to express at a distance. Detachment is key here.
Grief does bizarre things to humans and their emotions, especially to those who are dealing with an ex, and a recent one at that.

This is true to me right now. I am feeling overwhelmed by thinking of how painful she must be feeling right now. I haven't gotten to speak to her and I don't know if she is even alright. I just want to know how she is feeling at this point but I am aware that I am motivated by the fact that I am still in love with her.

I wish I knew how to not think about this.

I think you still have (Strong) feelings for her, it's quite ovbious, but let's assume you don't.

I do still have strong feelings for her that is without question. I am not denying that. I just can't stop thinking about how much pain she must be going through right now and I don't want her to be alone. I love her.

3 months from now, it won't be about the father anymore, that will be long gone it will be how did I let her back in my life.

You are right.

So my advice? Go to the viewing if she asks you to but dont make it about her, be respectful. Dont try to help her grieve, she has plenty of friends and family for that, its just not your job to do that!

This is good advice, I just have to realize that she has other people to support her right now and that isn't my job. I mean the initial shock of this happening so suddenly I just was trying to be there for her but I am slowly going to ween myself out of the situation.

Don't worry about your ex she's got plenty of family and girlfriends for support to help her with her grief so its really shouldn't be your concern anymore).

Same advice, I am worried about her though how can I not be?

She is a theatre Queen fishing for sympathy

I am aware but her father DIED suddenly of a heart attack and that deserves sympathy regardless of what happened between us. Now the question is should I just express my condolences and move on or stick around to support her. I am leaning towards moving on as long as I was here for her right when it happened and then let other people be there I won't feel as bad for dropping her.

 

[casthenova]

By the way guys, I live 2 hours away and most likely won't be attending the funeral or anything like that. The only thing I can really do is support her from a distance anyways and I have just told her that I am here for her if she needs someone to lean on or listen.

 

[casthenova]

And when I say that I wouldn't get back together with her right now, I mean that she wasn't a good match for me when we dated. I wasn't breaking up with her because I didn't love her or thought she was unworthy, the timing just wasn't right. Both of us left each other on terms that we would eventually get back together it just wasn't right at the time.

I don't know guys. I don't want her to think I am using this as a way to get her back because that isn't what I am doing. I just want her to know that I care. I was close to her and her family and I think about how sad she must be feeling right now and wish there was something I can do.

I woke up this morning and realized there is nothing I can do or say.

 

[Julius_Seizeher]

This reminds me of something my grandmother always used to say..."What am I, the little red hen?"

Does anyone remember the little red hen? She couldn't get anyone to help with growing, harvesting, and threshing the wheat, preparing the dough, and baking the bread, but once the bread was done everybody showed up to eat it.

So that's what your ex is doing here. I don't know the details, but more than likely she dumped you or pushed you away. You weren't good enough for her when times were good, but now that her dad died you are supposed to ride in and save her?

What are you, the little red hen?

 

[mpimpin]

2 hours is not a big distance. If you want to go to the viewing for yourself to feel better then do it for you. At first it seemed like you were upset, but your later posts seem like you want to know what to do for her.

I've been in this type of situation twice.
1 time an ex's grandfather who practically raised her killed himself. I sent a card to her and the family expressing my condolences and left it at that.

The 2nd time another Ex's mom passed away who I was close with and my mother worked with. I went to the viewing out of respect for the deceased and for my own grief.

I'm not trying to sound harsh, but don't worry about consoling her. She has other family and friends for that. Show some respect and thought though since it does seem you are grieving. Send a card/flowers if you can't make it, and if you can try to go to the viewing. Make an appearance say goodbye and get back on the road and go back to your life.

 

[casthenova]

Well it was great to get so much insight from people with similar experience and I have really thought this out.

The grief is one thing, I have never experienced death first hand and this is the closest person to me that this sort of sudden death has happened to. The grief itself really shocked me and has been powerful on its own.

But I've also realized that there is a lot more selfishness in my motivation to be there for her and that is not the right thing to do.

I am just trying to sort this all out but you guys are right. Her and I didn't work when everything was great and she pushed me the side without any guilt whatsoever. Now this happened to her, and I am there for her either way just because she was a part of my life and I do genuinely care.

But I am not going to get involved. I hope that she has other people to support her and I am sure that she does. I see my only option is to give my condolences, by there for her if she has no one else but leave it at that and move on.