Dumped by main plate for NOT BEING AN AFC?

[dasein]

OP needs more finesse and can turn these things around to his benefit in the future by exercising it. You should shut down only truly bad behavior and comments, not their noise/chatter. Use noise chatter brought on by emotion to your advantage, listen for it and use it as a tool. Keep your mouth shut until the proper use emerges. By shutting her down on this, you missed an opportunity. The best generic response I learned to noise of any variety was from a friend, and have used it 100 times since:

"Keep playing your cards right and you could get what you want one day."

Say it with a smile. It does so many good, subtle things. 1. "I'm not going to take every bit of noise that comes out of your mouth seriously, if you want something, you will have to state it like an adult in a clear way, not hint around or ask me broad questions and expect me to fill in the blanks." 2. "Getting what you want from me requires continued effort on your part, it won't just fall in your lap, you don't just "get" for being pretty, present and good in bed." 3. "The timeframe of what we do is my choice as much as it is yours."

There are lots of other ways to say this, think up ways that sound natural to your speech patterns. Agree with Wolfgang, I think OP has been overly heavy handed with this, though hasn't done anything that wrong.

In the future, don't put a foot down when they show disrespect, just have somewhere else to be of a sudden and then be that other place and let them stew in their childishness in solitude until they come around, and they will when you handle stuff this way. It drives them crazy in a good way for you. The best punishment is to remove your attention instantly and coincidentally without anger, they know the deal, trust me. Don't ever ever give them fuel for rationalization and blameshift by bowing up over noise, a mistake I've made dozens of times and took forever to unlearn, because they will surely rationalize and blameshift once they patch into their ever affirming never denying support network. Keep in mind that that network almost never dispenses the advice "wow you really screwed up, you should apologize" to women. Just the way it is. That's not to say that truly bad behavior like cheating, accepting attention from other men, etc., shouldn't be called out and dealt with, just that handling random noise should not be dealt with in the same harsh way you would treat true misbehavior.


Much older than OP, but you get used to hearing marriage and commitment noise from women. Learning how to turn it to your advantage without being dishonest is easy and key. Good luck OP.

 

[D Wolfgang]

are you this girls mother?

Come on now. Seriously. I advise a guy not to break up with a girl over an argument, and you shoot off an insult. I expect that you will look back at that and rethink your response. That was a ridiculous reason to throw her out of the car, break off contact for five weeks, and tell her he is dating other women. And then act surprised when she breaks up with him.

Why is it that when I say, maybe a guy shouldn't drop all contact with a girl just because of one argument, I know that I am going to be accused of being a feminist, protecting the girl, "white knighting", whatever? (Me. A feminist. One of few here who have actively worked against feminism at the university IRL.)

This should not be a reverse version of a feminist forum, any more than it should put women on a pedestal. It should be a forum where the tone is set by those with real-life experience of both casual dating and long-term relationships. Not the women worshippers. And not the losers who hide their bitterness behind dogma. I detest both types.

the only girls who will come back begging after a treatment like this will be the low self esteem ones. i don't think you want someone like that. the fact that after 3 weeks she acted OK, is a good sign.

if you are not interested to leave her / make her a FB, this is what i say

Exactly.

It has nothing to do with being an AFC. She wanted a serious future, marriage and commitment and you made it pretty clear you don't want the same things. In fact, it sounds like you sneered at the idea, which obviously raised a lot of red flags for her.

Unfortunately, a lot of guys here have been brainwashed to think that committed relationships and marriage are weak and feminine, but it's not about what other guys think. Most guys who give advice here can't sustain relationships even when they try and in my own experience, a lot of the advice here is can be very destructive to relationships.

You need to stop following the crowd and ask yourself what it is that YOU want. If you want her as a committed girlfriend, drop the childish games and talk to her directly. If you just want to spin plates and play the field, then you have nothing to worry about by letting her go. There's nothing wrong with either choice, just as long as you're doing what's right for you.

The truth, this is.

 

[JBB84]

Girls read "advice" books these days, too. If your girlfriend wants a commitment in the future, and thinking that she will never get one from you, it actually DOES makes sense for her to back off and see if you come up with a better offer. It doesn't mean that she doesn't care. Take the advice from this site to a certain extent and use your common sense when you have to. If you want a future with this girl, you might want to let her know that a part of you is open to it in the future. Girls aren't all completely stupid. It is disrespectful to an extent to tell a LTR that you aren't interesting in marrying them at some point. Most people do want to settle down with a house, family, and stability at some point. I really messed up a relationship that I was heavily invested in by "playing aloof" and I only have myself to blame. (The girl has confirmed this, that she figured I only wanted to keep things casual - therefore she sought out someone else). You can't always play that card. There is a time for actually being open and showing that you care.

 

[Jariel]

I really messed up a relationship that I was heavily invested in by "playing aloof" and I only have myself to blame. (The girl has confirmed this, that she figured I only wanted to keep things casual - therefore she sought out someone else). You can't always play that card. There is a time for actually being open and showing that you care.

Same here...actually I've ruined a number of relationships and opportunities by acting on common advice on these forums, playing mind games and trying to protect my ego.

This is a great forum for self development, if you read the right posts, but most guys here are the worst people in the world to be giving relationship advice. Even those who pick up a lot of women and are on top of their game, don't want or cannot maintain relationships.

What I see (and what I'm guilty of myself) is too many insecure guys desperate to protect their masculinity, frightened that some girl is going to hurt their feelings and their pride.

 

[TheCWord]

This is a great forum for self development, if you read the right posts, but most guys here are the worst people in the world to be giving relationship advice. Even those who pick up a lot of women and are on top of their game, don't want or cannot maintain relationships.

So true. Grain of salt is the key here. If a poster doesn't seem like someone you would enjoy speaking to in real life, then yellow light that sh-t.

For example, there are a lot of posts on here where I read them and they seem to make sense... then I'll notice the poster regularly makes racist or homophobic statements and is possibly a member of the Sarah Palin Book Club. If their world view doesn't line up with my own, I'm less likely to study their posts.

That said, 50% of PlayHerMan's advice is still pretty good despite the fact that the locals in my city would probably drive him to the edge of town and shoot him

This forum is a tool and too many posters are using it as a place to b*tch and moan rather than actually improve and learn the right things.

YUP

 

[Bokanovsky]

I really messed up a relationship that I was heavily invested in by "playing aloof" and I only have myself to blame. (The girl has confirmed this, that she figured I only wanted to keep things casual - therefore she sought out someone else). You can't always play that card. There is a time for actually being open and showing that you care.

I don't recall ever reading a post by a respected member of this forum that advocated never showing a girl that you cared about her. If this is your takeaway from this board, you are misunderstanding the advice that is being given.

Many guys fail to distinguish between inner game and outward appearance, which is why they consistently fail with women. They tend to bounce between the two extremes, either being a mushy AFC or an abrasive jerk. Spinning plates and not being too invested in a girl is advice that concerns your inner game. Just because you are not too invested in a woman does not mean that you have to be overtly aloof and uncaring. Even street pimps show affection for their hos every once in a while.

For the most part, women judge men based on their words, not their actions. To be a true DJ, you need to talk a good game while maintaining a strong inner frame. If you are incapable of doing both, you will always be a chump, regardless of whether you're an AFC or a jerk.

 

[zinc4]

Cliffs:
- Dated for 8 months (both 26), always maintained strong frame, never backslid, had her eating out of the palm of my hand and chasing me all the way until...

- 3 days before she gives me the boot her older sister (28) and boyfriend come into town where he proposes to her at Soldier Field AFTER MOVING IN TOGETHER AND DATING FOR 9 MONTHS TOTAL. MET ON NEW YEARS EVE 2012-2013!

- Obviously my girl asks for my opinion and I tell her he's a nice guy (AFC) but he/they're f***** nuts its far too soon and that's that. (Not even worth explaining to her the million reasons why). She is rather displeased with my opinion. (Her sister has already been married and divorced prior at age 28)

- Next day, We go for a weekend away to the lakehouse with a bunch of friends and she is cold/distant/pissy. I back off and do my own thing.

- She blatanly disrespects me (first time ever) at the lakehouse and instead of going to her family picnic from lakehouse on Sunday in the suburbs and then driving us back to the city, I drop her a** off at her picnic and tell her to find a ride back to the city for her actions.

- Cliff Conversations via text after that are me: I found what you did to be disrespectful and unattractive. I expect better from you. Her: 3 paragraphs about how we don't want the same things and she cant waste her time with someone who doesn't want what she wants and that she honestly doesn't think I want it. Me (Didn't ask what that was) OK. No hard Feelings, I agree.


After that, NC for 3 weeks, went to a preplanned wedding together, was indifferent, aloof, ****y, funny (same frame I'm always in) and treated her as a "friend." No hint of tension or seriousness. She was rather flirty while her mom slapped me around all night telling me how much of an ******* I am.

Since then - 2 weeks NC by me and she's hit me up 6 times at 2:30 in the morning. I'm spinnin plates and made sure to subtly drop hints to her friends so she knows it.

Question: S*** test breakup, "logical breakup", perception skewed due to sister, or am I missing something here? She sees her sister getting lovey romanced and wifed up by this AFC where I am more far more dominating, aloof, I don't really care, and in NO hurry. I'm far from a WK beta and was close to giving in a bit towards "commitment stuff/mentality/conversations" after she proved her worth. Did I take Too long?

I'm 99% percent sure she don't want to get married now but did my lack of AFCness lower her interest? No my queen did not monkey branch or find another castle. Really just want to figure out where I messed up so I don't make these mistakes in the future with another plate I may see things progressing with.

Yeah....too overtly alpha or whatever you want to call acting can bite you almost as badly as acting too beta...its a fine balance one that I used to be naturally good at by not feeling dependent on any woman.

Promise her the world but create ambiguity with your actions....that's what they respond to...its never good to talk about being alpha....

But geesh...your girl sounds like a real headache to change that drastically...you must be saying too much about other things as well defining yourself as not relationship material.... It's better to be more covert...I have made the same mistake lately a lot...

 

[Fireballs]

Most girls have their plan of what they expect when going forward in a relationship.

Date
Move in together
Get married
House
Kids

When they have doubts that you will follow their plan, they'll find someone who will.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

Fair enough, you weren't a chump. But you were probably too much of an a$$hole instead.

Do tell how her sister's situation has any bearing on your own? Do tell why you thought it was necessary to pass such critical judgement on someone who has little or no influence over your life? As warranted and valid your opinion on thier circumstance may be, do tell why you thought it a good idea to share it so candidly. Absolutely no decorum whatsoever.

As you said, she was eating out of your hand. Why make the worst of a good situation? Congratulations. Very smooth.

 

[JohnyTheArrow]

OP FAILED miserably by not understanding what means to be DJ and what is female imperative.By using eastern logic you were like tree in tornado when you should be like bamboo.

1) you are a bit naive thinking they are some cut in stone rule for playing women, you sticked to 'the alpha male' rule set and you failed

2) female imperative is not to be your slvt and suck your dyck but to get married,impress everyone with wedding and have happy family - being your slvt and sucking your dyck is female game to make you do the BIG BANG. You failed to recognize and understand basic female desire.

Your woman shytested you and failed like little puppy.Instead to dogde bullet and say 'Wow, a wedding .... one day we HAVE to do it,sweetheart' you would still have gf and your c0ck sucked even better as she would be sure you will commit one day, you acted like total jerk playing 'cool and tough' and you get your ass burned.Your GF and mother feel rejected because you raised BIG RED FLAG in front of their eyes and stick in their A$$.You overestimated your value thinking than being your bytch is more important for her than being married.

Now you are butthurt and try to make it some kind of victory for not being AFC but in fact you were worse than AFC - a stupid alpha male who thought giving a woman a dyck is everything she dreams about.Try to learn from this failure.

 

[Dgwizdal]

OP FAILED miserably by not understanding what means to be DJ and what is female imperative.By using eastern logic you were like tree in tornado when you should be like bamboo.

1) you are a bit naive thinking they are some cut in stone rule for playing women, you sticked to 'the alpha male' rule set and you failed

2) female imperative is not to be your slvt and suck your dyck but to get married,impress everyone with wedding and have happy family - being your slvt and sucking your dyck is female game to make you do the BIG BANG. You failed to recognize and understand basic female desire.

Your woman shytested you and failed like little puppy.Instead to dogde bullet and say 'Wow, a wedding .... one day we HAVE to do it,sweetheart' you would still have gf and your c0ck sucked even better as she would be sure you will commit one day, you acted like total jerk playing 'cool and tough' and you get your ass burned.Your GF and mother feel rejected because you raised BIG RED FLAG in front of their eyes and stick in their A$$.You overestimated your value thinking than being your bytch is more important for her than being married.

Now you are butthurt and try to make it some kind of victory for not being AFC but in fact you were worse than AFC - a stupid alpha male who thought giving a woman a dyck is everything she dreams about.Try to learn from this failure.

This was 2 years ago ya fvckin retard. I was never trying to marry her in the first place.

And here's a little update for ya - she's still completely single and alone, VERY receptive when I've reached out a few times, but I've been too busy fvcking hotter chicks.

Keeping her in the Kitty for now :crackup:

 

[JohnyTheArrow]

This was 2 years ago ya fvckin retard. I was never trying to marry her in the first place.

Huhu,buthurt people didnt take your side in your sob alpha love story.Dont litter forum with your shyt then.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

This is the same guy that only two months ago was sh!tting himself because he'd smashed up some other broad and though the was going to prison.

Time to start taking some responsibility for your own actions, son. Face it, you are bit of an a$$hole and despite what some people around here will tell you, that's not always a good thing.

Wind yer neck in a bit.