Don't ever show you hand...need advice

[epic_barrels]

Folks,
I let oneitis get the best of me and told this girl I liked her. She was telling me that I was frustrating her because she didn't know what I wanted.

Well since I told her, I have scared her off. I was dating this hb9 girl for 3 months
I was playing it so cool until I slipped one night after a few beers. Now her iterest level has plummeted and I am unsure what to do. I acted like I wanted to move get more serious with her. Now that I think about it...it was the stupidist thing to do because I am really unsure that I even want that. I guess i just fell into her trap

I have backed off big time. She has been away for a week and has not called. She has texted me a few times. I have not called her either and only responded after some time passed.

I have a feeling I will be getting the LJBF speech soon which is going to suck because I work with her starting next month.

Anyway, I have learned a tremendous lesson..Never show your hand...EVER. no matter what anyone says. Her interest level was pretty high..but now I removed any challege I was and feel like a chump. I don't think this is recoverable in terms of getting back with her. I had no strings attached sex and I threw it away because I let me feelings get in the way, and stopped spinning plates.

I have contacted a few girls on the side to get my mind off her. She is going to be back soon. Bottom line..don't ever give up the challenge.

Any advice as to what to do would be greatly appreciated. This sucks

Thanks

 

[PRMoon]

My advice is to ride it out. When she told you that you frustrated her, she was telling you what she liked. You kept things in space and she kept coming back. You altered the relationship (I'm going to assume you confessed feelings or something) and by doing so took away the part that she enjoyed. When you put labels on things it can be a deal breaker for either party in a relationship.

Not much to do here other then get your mind in other places. You said you're starting to contact other girls again and that's pretty much what you have to keep at. If you consciously spend less time with just one girl and more time with others, things will balance themselves out and you can regain status quo. Will things go back to the way they were before? Maybe, certainly anything is possible but you shouldn't try to force the issue. When you see her at work don't ignore her but don't go out of your way to see her either. In the event she starts talking to some other guys in the office, you're gonna have to suck it up. I know jealousy can rear it's ugly head and drive guys nuts but should a situation like that arise you'll have to rise above it. There's a very real possibility that if you play tight again, she'll be the one approaching you again, but you have to tread carefully and not worry about it.

 

[Wodinart]

Hey epic barrels,

Pretty much exactly the same thing happened to me about a month ago, so I feel your pain! I'm glad for you that you've learned from the experience that you should never "show your hand" early on in a relationship, certainly not in the first couple of months. It should be up to the chick to tell you her feelings for you, at which point you should show that you feel the same way through your actions, not your words.

Whether you should NEVER verbalise your emotions in a relationship is another matter though, or so it seems to me. If you are in a LTR, there comes a point (say 6 months or more) where telling her how much you love her can be a good thing. You might try using it as a form of reward if she does something you like.

For the time being, however, you seem to be doing exactly the right thing here in contacting other girls and trying to forget about this one. Good luck to you- it's not easy recovering from oneitis!


Wodinart

 

[epic_barrels]

Thanks guys..I know I broke the cardinal rule. My plan is to continue to cut her off. She said that she wanted to see me when she gets back. This was thursday. She gets back tomorrow. I am not calling her or making anymore contact at all and getting my head on straight.

 

[Falcon25]

It's amazing how American women behave isn't it? This one is over. There is only one way to fix this. An emotion called jealosy. She has to see you with another woman. Period. Don't listen to the guy who said you can tell a woman you love her after six months either. YOU SHOULD NEVER tell her you love her until you propose to her. After your marriage, you should tell her you love her twice a year, on your aniversary, her birthday. NEVER VERBALIZE.

 

[Serg897]

It happens. Its a very easy trap to fall into, unless you have a lot of experience. I've been there so many times, on many different occasions, with different contexts, but the essence of the situation is always the same:

1.) Guy meets girl, is initially a challenge
2.) Girl becomes interested
3.) Guy becomes predictable, tells her what she wants to hear, becomes boring, etc
4.) Girl loses interest.

Step 4 doesn't usually happen overnight. Sometimes its a drawn out process, but the end result is the same. Im only just starting to "get it" in this regard. Its taken several rounds .

OP, you know what went wrong. And thats what makes it alright. This is a victory for you regardless - you are prepared for the next experience. There is nothing to do to change what happened, so accept the situation and do what you can to mitigate the damage. It seems like you know what to do.

Also, meet other women.

 

[epic_barrels]

Im sure I am going to see her soon. If she brings anything up, do you think I should tell her that I was thinking it over and I think I want to keep it casual the way it was? Im traveling throught Europe all summer anyway and I dont want a committment with this girl anymore.

I just want to keep banging her.

 

[SandHawk]

It's amazing how American women behave isn't it? This one is over. There is only one way to fix this. An emotion called jealosy. She has to see you with another woman. Period. Don't listen to the guy who said you can tell a woman you love her after six months either. YOU SHOULD NEVER tell her you love her until you propose to her. After your marriage, you should tell her you love her twice a year, on your aniversary, her birthday. NEVER VERBALIZE.

And that my man, is what is wrong with the DJ community. There is a major difference between being the prize / hard to get versus being an insensitive d*ckhead. And that is exactly what you're saying here.

I've had my share of LTRs, first one by luck, others due to my DJism and what I've learned on these forums and from the bible. I've told girls I liked them(love is a big word I don't easily use), and they stuck around, because they felt the same. And words don't really kill the feeling of love instantly.

However, the whole reason why you need to stay mysterious during the initial phase(and hopefully longer than just that), is to keep her interested, make her gina tingle. Once they're hooked and you're still acting all cool and mysterious, they think you're using them and they bail. It requires a subtle nuance.

What happened with barrels is most likely that there was attraction, but that said attraction was mostly based on sexuality and FBuddies. Yes, admitting you have feelings for your FB will surely drive them away if the deal is no strings attached sex. If you were honestly dating and building up a relationship, then it could have been different.

As for barrels: My advice is to see what comes. Don't root her out completely, or next her already. She appears to seek contact and wants to hang out, so see what happens. Be yourself like you always were. If you were aggressively pursuing sex with her, then keep that up.

 

[Scion]

So you were dating her for 3 months, let it slip that u liked her and she ran away? Did she know you 2 were "dating"? Have you slept with her yet? If the answer to those question is yes than I don't know what to say, that seems a bit f*cked. Why the massive and sudden interest loss?

 

[OFWHAP]

Sometimes girls just lose interest, and there is nothing you can do about it.

 

[TizZle]

Folks,
I let oneitis get the best of me and told this girl I liked her. She was telling me that I was frustrating her because she didn't know what I wanted.

Thanks

This is all i had to read...

1. Oneitis is a bad thing to have
2. If the girl likes you and cares more than you do then telling her that you like her is not gonna matter. It may lower IL a little in this case but it's definitely not a deal breaker
3. "She was telling me... " >>> telling you thru what? WORDS or ACTIONS?... let me guess it was probably the first option.. Never go on what a woman says. Judge by actions.
4. Frustrating a girl is good contrary to what you might think. You need to make her feel different emotions. Girls are about feelings.
5. She didn't know what she wanted... Women don't know what they want. It's up to the Man to take what he wants. Men don't have time to wait on indecisive women to make up their mind. Life is short and time is precious.

P.S. The title of your thread is "Don't ever show you(r) hand".. Wrong.. You have to show it gradually. You'll pick up the timing of this when you gain more experience. This is something i'm still working on also.

Have fun

 

[epic_barrels]

thanks for the reponses.. is this even salvageable??

 

[TizZle]

Possibly.

Bust out something similar to this..

"i only date <insert characteristic here> and you are <opposite of characteristic>"

<nice girls> ..... <bad girls>

The line i used was " i only date good girls and you have trouble written all over you"

It should increase attraction if used properly. I've used it before and it does work.

 

[thecurtainfalls]

This is all i had to read...

1. Oneitis is a bad thing to have
2. If the girl likes you and cares more than you do then telling her that you like her is not gonna matter. It may lower IL a little in this case but it's definitely not a deal breaker
3. "She was telling me... " >>> telling you thru what? WORDS or ACTIONS?... let me guess it was probably the first option.. Never go on what a woman says. Judge by actions.
4. Frustrating a girl is good contrary to what you might think. You need to make her feel different emotions. Girls are about feelings.
5. She didn't know what she wanted... Women don't know what they want. It's up to the Man to take what he wants. Men don't have time to wait on indecisive women to make up their mind. Life is short and time is precious.

P.S. The title of your thread is "Don't ever show you(r) hand".. Wrong.. You have to show it gradually. You'll pick up the timing of this when you gain more experience. This is something i'm still working on also.

Have fun

Huge +1 from me on this post. I bolded my favorite parts.

Showing interest eventually is necessary to the interaction escalating. This was one of the last things I really figured out. It's OK to reveal your hand -- in fact, necessary -- but the way in which you do it is key.

You are being a little vague regarding exactly what was said to her. Did you say you loved her? Or did you just let her know that you liked spending time with her?

 

[Chromeo]

Im sure I am going to see her soon. If she brings anything up, do you think I should tell her that I was thinking it over and I think I want to keep it casual the way it was? Im traveling throught Europe all summer anyway and I dont want a committment with this girl anymore.

I just want to keep banging her.

Dude you told her you liked her, obviously you didnt just want her as a **** buddy. Telling her you want to keep it casual, you are changing your desires to maintain a report with a woman, thats AFC.

I just did this too, and wondering as well if its salvageable.

To the rest of the guys reading this, SandHawk said, "telling a FB you have feeling will cerainly drive them away" which is true, but obviously if a girl just sees you as a FB and your looking for something more, your doing something wrong, yes? Even if a woman is dead set on not being in a relationship, A MAN, should be enough of a DJ to make her reconsider. Being a FB you are not making yourself a enough of a challenge that a woman would want to lock you down, your giving it away too easy so she puts in no effort. Am I wrong?

A girl should not just lose interest, if she does its because you are being too easy

 

[Ease]

Of course its salvadgeable.

Just start acting like you have very low interest in her. It will work like magic recovery. If you can genuinely make her doubt your interest in her then you will revive the life in the relationship. Avoid the topic of liking her and what you said completely.

Act the exact opposite of your mistake, like an ******* untill she gets hooked back in with anxiety to you and it will be fine. The good thing about a LTR like this is that mistakes like this can be reversed. You might not get away with a girl of 2 weeks, but 3 months in you can fix this problem.

 

[epic_barrels]

Of course its salvadgeable.

Just start acting like you have very low interest in her. It will work like magic recovery. If you can genuinely make her doubt your interest in her then you will revive the life in the relationship. Avoid the topic of liking her and what you said completely.

Act the exact opposite of your mistake, like an ******* untill she gets hooked back in with anxiety to you and it will be fine. The good thing about a LTR like this is that mistakes like this can be reversed. You might not get away with a girl of 2 weeks, but 3 months in you can fix this problem.

Well, I haven't heard from her in two days. I guess the move to do now is to move on and not make contact with her.

Basically I told her that I liked her and considered her more than "just a friend". She was sleeping over 4 nights a week. We were having sex..great sex infact, she always told me that I was her best. Basically, she was acting like she was in a relationship with me. At the same time, she would introduce me as her friend to people which really pissed me off. I started thinking that maybe she did not want to take it to the next level because I was very aloof to my intentions and didn't want to get hurt. She kept telling me that I was confusing her and then she started to distance herself. That's when I blew it and fell into her trap. That's when the AFC came out.

So I need to somehow get my frame back. Maybe just walking away and showing her im not putting up with her sh-t is the only thing I can do. I doubt she ever had anyone walk away from her. Who the f knows..

Anyway, thanks again fellas

 

[scorpio1138]

Of course its salvadgeable.

Just start acting like you have very low interest in her. It will work like magic recovery. If you can genuinely make her doubt your interest in her then you will revive the life in the relationship. Avoid the topic of liking her and what you said completely.

Act the exact opposite of your mistake, like an ******* untill she gets hooked back in with anxiety to you and it will be fine. The good thing about a LTR like this is that mistakes like this can be reversed. You might not get away with a girl of 2 weeks, but 3 months in you can fix this problem.

From my experience with a FB this is correct. I made a mistake and professed feelings and it drove her away (day after new years). This girl and I had been friends for 20+ years and last Sept we started sleeping together but it was clear we were just FBs.

So after the big argument I did a reversal and stopped being serious about her. Now we get together every couple of weeks and screw (just did last saturday & sunday) We both enjoy our friendship this way.

So just back off a little and don't contact her at all. And do what your doing by only replying and doing it later. You don't snap to attention for her. You will probably be Fvcking her again in a few weeks. From then on just keep it fun and make her laugh.

Friends with benefits can be a great thing as long as you play by the rules.

 

[bukowski_merit]

Nothing wrong with confessing your feelings with a woman.... as long as she has stronger feelings than the ones you are sharing...

It's a complicated thing to calibrate, but once you've been doing it for a while - you should be able to figure out where a woman's feelings are.

I find confessing feelings during sex are the best time... seconds best, is after sex.... assuming you're adequate at it...

I once gave a woman i was just **** buddies with a book of poems about her and I......................... Something 99% of this board would advise against.... Something i would even tell guys not to do lol.... But i knew she was deeply in love with me, and my callibration of her was that she felt i was too much of a "player" and much higher status than her... So i felt the book of 10-15 poems full of feeling was enough...

I still **** her to this day and we're both pretty damn emotional with each other....

But, there's other girls - i wouldn't dream of writing a single feeling for on paper. Not because i don't feel them, but just because i know... they aren't that type of woman.

---

It's really not something that someone who doesn't have other **** locked down should worry about. But, if you want to confess your feelings to women... you MUST find a woman who falls easy and falls hard....

Then always keep her wanting you a little more than you want her...

It's that simple...


---

As far as your story... My advise - don't contact of talk to or see this girl AT ALL until she comes and works at your job...

Continue to maintain very little contact with her... And at the same time - flirt with other women in front of her... hang out with other women...

And watch this woman's interest skyrocket....

It's so easy that it'll feel silly... maybe it is... but it works...

 

[I'm in the Mood]

It's okay to be sincere and tell a girl you like her. It's not like the relationship was obliterated JUST because you "showed your hand." In "card shark" terms- when you show your hand, it's time to draw some new cards.

Face the facts - you DON'T know whether her interest level is up or down. You CAN'T tell what she's thinking. She might even be thinking about what you said and she's keeping her distance because she's thinking about whether she wants a LTR with you or not.

You really don't know what she's thinking.

And you're ONLY letting the oneitis get to you because you are turning something small into something GIGANTIC.

Isn't it amazing how alcohol sometimes fvcks with your brain?

At the beginning of my post, I said that you can tell a girl you like her and it's no big deal. UNLESS you make it a big deal and turn into an approval-seeking wussy.

Here's how I do it:

"Hey, I really like you. I don't know if I'll still like you later though, so hopefully you'll stay on my good side. "

Tell her that...and STOP worrying about it. The "worry" is actually causing you to lose. Get rid of that worry.