Don Juans and Loneliness

[Colossus]

On a date with this girl last night; met her over the weekend while hiking, really seemed to hit it off. 8.5-9, good conversations, charming, high IL, et al. I was pumped I had actually found a plate with good potential--this is rare for me.

So anyways, got her number, went out that night and things went seamlessly. Great time, good kiss close. Went out again last night.

I was looking forward to it so I think my nerves may have gotten the best of me. Things were going ok, we had a few pops, and she comes out of left field with "I dont really think we click...do you?" So I said 'well to be fair Ive only known you for a few days...I felt things were going alright'. Totally unexpected.

From that point my frame was lost; if I had much to begin with last night. My head wasnt in the right place. We went to another place down the street and she continued to chink at my armor peppering me with more personal questions-- "what do look for in a girl?", "why dont you have a gf?" "how long has it been", "wow, that's a while"..."why do you believe in this, that, describe yourself to me"...etc. Sucked. I couldnt articulate myself and just ended up looking like a clown.

We ended up making out some before I went home, but it didnt really end on a high note. Not really sure where to go from here.

This continual failure to have any genuine success with my plates is becoming discouraging. If something doesnt work out I usually just move on to the next one and learn from the situation; but when you have high hopes and they get smashed it's really a blow to the ol' self-esteem. Don Juans shouldnt feel alone, right? Well they do. I do anyways...often.

Sure, I bang girls here and there, but at the end of the day when youre lying in bed alone you start to ask yourself questions about why something meaningful continually seems to elude you. Maybe I'm just bummin'. I get this way sometimes.

 

[decades]

seemed like you were moving pretty fast there bro. I think she sensed your very high Interest Level and wanted to put the brakes on things. It may be that, like in this post, you're coming across as frustrated, lonely, and with a lack of options. Women sense that. When a chick does that to you and starts grilling you, "interviewing" you, immediately deflect it and turn the convo back to something light or say "enough about me, let's discuss you for a while (smile when you say it)". You have to guide the convo. Don't take that interrogation seriously. Give jokes as answers. Use your answers to these questions as a chance to be ****y and funny.

Somehow it veered off in a heavy direction. Sometimes us guys "take it" there because it allows us to play the familiar white knight savior role. We think we are of most value to women when we care and show concern. In short things got too heavy way too fast. Keep things light, fun, moving, crazy, surprising, exhilirating. No heaviness.

Bottom line is that she made herself the prize and made you grovel for approval. She flipped the script on you. Your job is be the prize. She out manuevred you but learn from it. Learn from her.

 

[Fallen]

Maybe I'm just bummin'. I get this way sometimes.

Amen! I know exactly what you are talking about. But as long as it's only "sometimes" i guess you're doing great.

 

[Colossus]

seemed like you were moving pretty fast there bro. I think she sensed your very high Interest Level and wanted to put the brakes on things. It may be that, like in this post, you're coming across as frustrated, lonely, and with a lack of options. Women sense that. When a chick does that to you and starts grilling you, "interviewing" you, immediately deflect it and turn the convo back to something light or say "enough about me, let's discuss you for a while (smile when you say it). You have to guide the convo. Don't take that interrogation seriously. Give jokes as answers. Use your answers to these questions as a chance to be ****y and funny.

Somehow it veered off in a heavy direction. Sometimes us guys "take it" there because it allows us to play the familiar white knight savior role. We think we are of most value to women when we care and show concern. In short things got too heavy way too fast. Keep things light, fun, moving, crazy, surprising, exhilirating. No heaviness.

Yeah they did go in a bad direction. Mindset is everything; and deflecting those questions with humor would have been clutch. But I have no excuses...I just bombed.

It's not that I have a lack of options, I think I just got too excited about her and it kept me from having the right mindset, and this was probably conveyed. I feel like one of those "hot and cold" fighters. I'm either totally on and in that surreal "zone", or I go crashing to the mat after getting pummelled mercilessly.

 

[sodbuster]

Don't sweat being alone. I've been married and had her sleeping in the same bed and felt more alone than I do with an empty house

 

[jophil28]

and she comes out of left field with "I dont really think we click...do you?"

THis is where I would have replied. " Yes, true enough, so lets call it a night" and drive her home (or put her into a cab). It does not matter whether she is running a test here to make you declare your feelings for her, OR if she is telling you that you and she have no chance and no future, The fact is that she has made a distancing statement on the SECOND date. Bad. She has set you up to lose or lose.
BY continuing to stay with her and then meekly staying around and play her interview game you enter into HER frame, and we all know that this is real difficult to turn around because she takes control.

I learned to treat these tests/ provocations/manipulations with a brick wall. When these moments happen you give her a brick wall and withdraw from the date.
IF this is a test, then it is best to dismantle the test by refusing to play. NOT playing the game tells her that you do not play girly games,and you will not be drawn into spilling your feelings and answering her lame questions.
IF it is not a test, and she is bluntly telling you that she is not "feeling it" , then withdrawing allows you to shore up what remains of your dignity and go home without further humiliation.

By the way, a woman who has the gall to say this is a recent invention.
Back in my day a woman would NEVER say that to a man. IF she did not want to date further, she would have just been unavailable or "busy " tomorrow if or when he called for another date. She would have just have made herself unavailable.

 

[Mr. Me]

THis is where I would have replied. " Yes, true enough, so lets call it a night" and drive her home

Jophil, v-e-r-y sharp!

Colossus, the interview she sprung on you after that could've been about finding reasons to not see you again. She gets you to eventually say something about yourself she can claim is the deal breaker. Then she kisses you anyway because you're probably cute.

Or... something else happened after she said "we don't click". Maybe you were very cool with your answer and that wasn't what she expected you'd do.

You could always call her and see if she accepts a date.

But don't rush the dating like you've been doing.

Hey and, loneliness... that sets in from time to time. But it's fleeting. It's only a feeling.

This continual failure to have any genuine success with my plates is becoming discouraging... why something meaningful continually seems to elude you.

Failure? What makes you think any of these women were your dream girl?

Seems to me you're one girl closer to the meaningful one.

 

[rapidfire]

as long as you have female interaction its something i guess. it's not quite true forced loneliness.

 

[Colossus]

Thanks for the comments guys. This place is a great resource.

DonS- I can see what you're saying, but I think you are overarching your analysis a little bit. My entire self-worth is not tied to women. I took this situation way too personally. And I'll admit, I got too worked up about her just because we had a great night over the weekend. This developed into me not having the right frame of mind to begin with going in and thus I made some poor game decisions. Or rather, INdecisions.

But Jophil the Wise is right. I KNEW as soon as she said that comment about not clicking I should have closed the date and salvaged some dignity. But I let it continue, and the frame was lost. I lost whatever hand I had at that point.

So the night was a bust. I let myself equilibrate a bit today and get my bearings. There are some things I need to improve. She just sent me an overt LJBF text; which sucks. Wake up call.

Bottom line is if I had WALKED at that juncture I would have made it out with my ego less bruised and my balls strong. But I lost this battle. Next time this soldier aborts mission.

 

[Jeffst1980]

I agree with Jophil and also with DonS's post on the importance of inner game in situations like this, even if it doesn't necessarily apply to you.

The problem with traditional dating is that it often winds up as an unrelenting probe to determine your weaknesses. Sometimes---as in your case---this agenda is masterfully disguised until it's too late.

One of the s#it tests that particularly evil girls use when dating is acting as if they WANT you to move faster. They may suggest meeting up the very next night, or telling you to call them the next day, or even saying things to lead you to believe they're already sold on you. You may be tempted to let your guard down and move faster, because it seems like the right thing to do. Then, out of nowhere, she acts as if you're moving too fast.

ALWAYS move slow. NEVER rush things.

When the interrogation starts, you need to shut it down. Better yet, pre-empt it by starting your OWN interrogation of her early on. Make her qualify herself from the very beginning and don't let her control the frame--this might be your sticking point. The good news is, once you conquer that, you're golden.

Don't let rejection bum you out. It sounds like you have no problems attracting girls, which should be proof to you that none of this is out of your hands. Disconnect from your ego and treat this as a learning experience (easier said than done--but if you make a ton of approaches you will eventually force yourself to turn off the ego, lest it get in your way). Above all, realize that this is just a temporary setback.

I would suggest avoiding the traditional "dating" model and trying some more "experimental" tactics, just to get yourself out of a rut. Experiment by doing things you normally wouldn't do--for a first date, invite a girl to help you pick out a present for your niece/nephew/friend's kid, or to do laundry with you, or to teach you to cook. Pick things that are far removed from the generally understood idea of "dating" (and be sure to be humorous about it)--you will find that this effectively cripples their playbook and lowers their defenses. If nothing else, this will help you learn to establish and keep the frame on dates.

 

[squirrels]

First of all, they're not "plates", they're people.

Don't act like "spinning" them successfully or not is all YOUR doing.

This appears to be an example of a woman looking for something very specific and, as a result, missing a great opportunity to be with a guy who could blow her mind, but who she is subconsciously rejecting because he doesnt' MATCH that specific something precisely.

That's HER head-demon. Not yours. Call her out on that crap. Don't just say, "Well, I thought we were doing OK", ask her, "Why do you think we don't click?" Then SHUT UP and listen. Obviously, SHE'S the one with the problem with how things are going. Find out what it is. If nothing else, you'll learn something.

You shouldn't have to take the damn Nick van Orton CRS Psych Exam on the second date.

 

[decades]

That's HER head-demon. Not yours. Call her out on that crap. Don't just say, "Well, I thought we were doing OK", ask her, "Why do you think we don't click?" Then SHUT UP and listen.

hell nahhh. Doing what you suggest is trying to qualify yourself to someone who has out and out rejected you cold. Jophil had it right. When you hear this on date 2, you are DONE and need to eject right away. You don't sit there and ask why, and subject yourself to more degradation.

 

[squirrels]

hell nahhh. Doing what you suggest is trying to qualify yourself to someone who has out and out rejected you cold. Jophil had it right. When you hear this on date 2, you are DONE and need to eject right away. You don't sit there and ask why, and subject yourself to more degradation.

No, it's not "Aww, why don't you like meeee? Waaaah!!"

It's more like, "If you're going to make a vague, inane statement like that, you're going to have to explain WTF you're talking about."

Don't play the headgame...expose it for what it is.

 

[Vulpine]

I've had the "click" thing tossed at me, and it was a test to see if I would start pandering to her.

HB: "I don't think we 'click'."
V: "You're right. I kinda 'pop' and 'crackle', you just sit there making a 'whining' noise. There isn't really any 'clicking'."

She started to laugh at the overt C/F, then stopped short and got very quiet when the covert message landed.

Oops, baby, didn't think it would flip on you, did ya?

That's how I've been handling those sort of "We aren't working out, are we?" sort of tests or power plays.

"No, we aren't working out, I work out. I haven't seen you exercise at all."

Use their bullsh¡t to put them in the dog house. You'll see those sort of lines drop off in frequency.

Jophil's answer is fine. But, it's counter-productive, really. If you are a little proactive, you'll save a lot of time dating. If you were to launch every chick that pulled this whining, you'd launch EVERY chick. They all play that game, so, answer with something deflective or redirecting - women do it all the time. Drop a ninja smoke and put it back on them.

 

[STR8UP]

One of the s#it tests that particularly evil girls use when dating is acting as if they WANT you to move faster. They may suggest meeting up the very next night, or telling you to call them the next day, or even saying things to lead you to believe they're already sold on you. You may be tempted to let your guard down and move faster, because it seems like the right thing to do. Then, out of nowhere, she acts as if you're moving too fast.

This is on of the worst sh!t tests of all, cause it sets you up to walk straight into the jaws of a locked and loaded TRAP. I think this is a newer phenomenon, becuase I have gotten this recently but can;t remember it happening in the past.

The second a chick says something like this EJECT. I know it's easier said than done, but you realize in hindsight that by sticking around it was like the cat batting around a mouse before IT decides to break its neck and eat it. And that's just what she did....made out with you again that night then LJBF'd you the next day.

I don't agree with trying to flip this one around. You might temporarily spark a bit of interest in chick that says something like that, but any chick who out and out tells you she doesn't like you DOESN'T LIKE YOU. If she did she wouldn't risk making such a statement.

 

[Vulpine]

I don't agree with trying to flip this one around. You might temporarily spark a bit of interest in chick that says something like that, but any chick who out and out tells you she doesn't like you DOESN'T LIKE YOU. If she did she wouldn't risk making such a statement.

Depends what you are in it for: phuck and chuck, or something longer.

 

[Colossus]

I don't agree with trying to flip this one around. You might temporarily spark a bit of interest in chick that says something like that, but any chick who out and out tells you she doesn't like you DOESN'T LIKE YOU. If she did she wouldn't risk making such a statement.

I concur. I could see getting some satisfaction out of blowing it back in her face, but ultimitely it is just prolonging the inevitable, which is to abort the mission.

I responded to the LJBF message with a prompt "No thanks." No sly remarks, no "i dont take consolation prizes" or anything like that; I lost enough dignity by playing her games the rest of the night.

The important lessons Ive learned here are:

-Always have the right mindframe. Keep the conversation light and deflect any personal queries until much later.

-Take it SLOW. Dont get over-anxious and get ahead of yourself, because THAT's where you end up making an irreversible mistake.

-Avoid the 'traditional' dates; like bars/clubs, dinners, and movies. Those should come wayy later. Most women are experts on these fields and it is much easier to make a subtle slip and lose the frame.

-If she makes an overt remark about "not clicking" or not liking something about you, EJECT!! Abort the mission and you'll feel much better about yourself the next day. The frame is lost and anything that happens after that is just the cat toying with the mouse, as STR8 said.

Great replies all around.

 

[ketostix]

I've had the "click" thing tossed at me, and it was a test to see if I would start pandering to her.

HB: "I don't think we 'click'."
V: "You're right. I kinda 'pop' and 'crackle', you just sit there making a 'whining' noise. There isn't really any 'clicking'."

She started to laugh at the overt C/F, then stopped short and got very quiet when the covert message landed.

Oops, baby, didn't think it would flip on you, did ya?

That's how I've been handling those sort of "We aren't working out, are we?" sort of tests or power plays.

"No, we aren't working out, I work out. I haven't seen you exercise at all."

Use their bullsh¡t to put them in the dog house. You'll see those sort of lines drop off in frequency

I think this is the best way to maintain your value and possibly turn the interaction around.

Jophil's answer is fine. But, it's counter-productive, really. If you are a little proactive, you'll save a lot of time dating. If you were to launch every chick that pulled this whining, you'd launch EVERY chick. They all play that game, so, answer with something deflective or redirecting - women do it all the time. Drop a ninja smoke and put it back on them.

I agree. If you walk away the first moment a woman gives you a test or some grief, then all you'll be left with if anything is women that aren't desirable and not what you want anyway. Nothing of value, including women of value, is going to come easy. On the other hand, it depends on the degree of what a woman does. If she says something as rejecting as "we're not clicking" then she is most likely so manipulative or so disinterested and rude that there's nothing to salvage. In that case Jophil is right, just walk away.

I don't agree with trying to flip this one around. You might temporarily spark a bit of interest in chick that says something like that, but any chick who out and out tells you she doesn't like you DOESN'T LIKE YOU. If she did she wouldn't risk making such a statement.

I posted before I got to this point. I see now you and Collosus already made a similar point and concur.

 

[true romance]

I like DonS analysis.

Always believe in yourself, that why your other post recommend highly working on inner game and confidence. When you know your worth you can pass any shyt test...

I have similar experience when chicks ask me if I was serious...or she hear that i'm a player etc..
they want to break you to see the real you...It's a good thing too when chick test you, it means that they really interested in you..the more test they throw at and you still hang in there and you will have power over her.

Always flirting, light heart, have fun..

turn things against her !!!!

"that's funny, because your sister didn't seem to have any complaints."

Great post

 

[STR8UP]

A chick who has any kind of interest in you will not say that to your face on the second date, because she knows that no matter how much of a "man" you are, it could easily backfire on her.

It's not worth pursuing a woman who has the kind of balls to say something like this as a sh!t test, cause there will likely be many more to follow.

How many hoops are you willing to jump through for one piece of ass? Me? Not many.....