Don’t want a divorce but don’t want ONEitis

[Ranger]

And the only defence they got is by attacking my level of written english, people must be thinking that it's my primary language whilst in reality it's not even my secondary language.

It’s actually quite good. You grasp high end concepts in English. More so than Many of those who only speak English.

 

[ThinkerG]

This is almost inevitable. She has already been fukking someone new.

His insecurities (he mentioned) were displayed early on. He doesn’t know that men have instincts that make them “control”, so to speak, when a woman is in the prowl. (He mentioned this as well) So his “insecurities” most likely were evoked. This in no way lessens his infadelity, if people want to look at it that way.

She is slamming him while he’s down. She will keep him down until she’s sure there are no comebacks.
He really is certain he was the complete cause of it all.

Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy.

You simply tell her that you understand what you did, how it impacted her and what you want between the 2 of you and what to expect from you going forward.

You tell her that if she isnt willing to grant you another chance (fully) that you will 100% comply with the divorce. You tell her if a divorce is what she wants, the 2 of you should get the process going ASAP.

You need her to either submit (fully) to working things out or commit (fully) to the divorce. You have to eliminate one side so that you can move forward either way and get your life back on track.

Its simple. If she is calling your bluff she will submit. If she is truly wanting a divorce, you oblige and move on. No more second guessing. That is the first step in you getting closure either way and starting to develop a strong frame again.

As far as what you do if she is all in on the divorce? I guess it is natural to not be immediately interested in other women because you are down on yourself. Allow yourself 3 days to feel sorry and then get at it. The gym, hobbies that you enjoy, spend more time with your kids when they are with you, etc.

You cannot control her and her emotions but you d@mn well can control yours.

I like this! That was my intention with the dinner, so that we can finally put an end to it either way. Doesn’t change how I feel but it’s a step in a direction. She is all in for the divorce so I guess that’s what I’m gonna have to do. She’s been wanting a divorce for a year now but never brings it up or says anything about it so I had to take it upon myself and make a decision. Thanks!

 

[Spaz]

I like this! That was my intention with the dinner, so that we can finally put an end to it either way. Doesn’t change how I feel but it’s a step in a direction. She is all in for the divorce so I guess that’s what I’m gonna have to do. She’s been wanting a divorce for a year now but never brings it up or says anything about it so I had to take it upon myself and make a decision. Thanks!

Good !

You're made a decision and it's time to act decisively.

Hang around SS and learn something.

 

[ThinkerG]

This is almost inevitable. She has already been fukking someone new.

His insecurities (he mentioned) were displayed early on. He doesn’t know that men have instincts that make them “control”, so to speak, when a woman is in the prowl. (He mentioned this as well) So his “insecurities” most likely were evoked. This in no way lessens his infadelity, if people want to look at it that way.

She is slamming him while he’s down. She will keep him down until she’s sure there are no comebacks.
He really is certain he was the complete cause of it all.

I highly doubt she is and I’m not in denial but I won’t say it’s not possible. In this year of me and her on and off going through this divorce it seems unlikely she hasn’t ****ed someone because I have had about 10 just to drown out the pain which made it worse. The only time in our seven years I have doubted her loyalty was after the five months after my infidelity she told me she doesn’t love me anymore because I wasn’t treating her right even after she tried to make the marriage work And stick it out with me. I could definitely see how she would get fed up with our situation with the way I was treating her without her having to another man involved. I know there’s this stigma out there that Everywoman is the same but she’s never been like that, hence why I married her. The only time I have displayed beta traits was when my whole world came crashing down my wife told me she wanted to divorce after I cheated on her, before that I always held frame without even being introduced to the rational male books yet.

 

[ThinkerG]

Good !

You're made a decision and it's time to act decisively.

Hang around SS and learn something.

Will do!. So in your opinion... since I have to see this woman all the time, I still think she’s very hot, how do I get past this jealousy? I don’t want some other dude tapping that ass but obviously I know it’s inevitable. It especially sucks because I know she actually is a good one, she’s loyal and an amazing mother.

 

[ThinkerG]

Too late OP. You already have oneitis. The simple solution is to never initiate contact/only initiate contact regarding children. Bang other girls, and start over. She will respect you more, and more importantly your children will respect you more for being a man. Work on your life: the gym, your business, personal development. You’re 27, your best days are ahead of you.

But I’m sure you don’t want any of that advice right now. you will most likely continue to make afc mistakes until eventually you realize she’s ****ing someone new and she starts withholding your rights to see your children because you’ve become far too beta/stalker. At that point you will have no choice but to do the advice I suggested in the paragraph above.

I appreciate this and this is the exact advice i’m looking for. My father tells me stuff like this But it’s nice to hear it from other people that I need to get my head out of my ***** and be a man. I’ve never displayed AFC tendencies until five months after I cheated on my wife she told me she wanted to divorce and then I turned into a complete b*tch. For this last year I was only on the search for ways to get my wife back, I’ve read every article, so many books and I was needy and nothing worked. But I figured if I didn’t try at all there was absolutely no help so in the end they landed up learning a valuable lesson once again. I just need to learn how to get over my jealousy tendencies since I am still attracted to her, she has my perfect body type I like and want to be with her and don’t want to bang other girls right now, I wish I did but I don’t.

 

[Ranger]

I highly doubt she is and I’m not in denial but I won’t say it’s not possible. In this year of me and her on and off going through this divorce it seems unlikely she hasn’t ****ed someone because I have had about 10 just to drown out the pain which made it worse. The only time in our seven years I have doubted her loyalty was after the five months after my infidelity she told me she doesn’t love me anymore because I wasn’t treating her right even after she tried to make the marriage work And stick it out with me. I could definitely see how she would get fed up with our situation with the way I was treating her without her having to another man involved. I know there’s this stigma out there that Everywoman is the same but she’s never been like that, hence why I married her. The only time I have displayed beta traits was when my whole world came crashing down my wife told me she wanted to divorce after I cheated on her, before that I always held frame without even being introduced to the rational male books yet.

I understand. As you learn more and more here, there will be things that you start remembering that you didn’t think about back then.

You start looking at it all from an outside viewpoint. Then more truths about her and especially about you will show up. You underestimate her. Very much so. She is far more skilled than you at social nuances. She is a natural born emotional predator. That is not meant in a bad way. Predators in the wild are not evil. She is a fukking t-Rex and you need to understand this. At a very deep level.

 

[ThinkerG]

I understand. As you learn more and more here, there will be things that you start remembering that you didn’t think about back then.

You start looking at it all from an outside viewpoint. Then more truths about her and especially about you will show up. You underestimate her. Very much so. She is far more skilled than you at social nuances. She is a natural born emotional predator. That is not meant in a bad way. Predators in the wild are not evil. She is a fukking t-Rex and you need to understand this. At a very deep level.

This makes sense and I understand. Are you saying though a woman can’t be fully loyal and fulfilled?
She has went out on multiple occasions and is always with friends when she doesn’t have the kids (she has them about 60%) she’s a great mother.
She has facedtimed the kids when she’s at friends houses (females, some I know) or out with family. I know she’s been to clubs so it’s hard to believe she hasn’t had at least one drunk mistake. She told me if she was seeing someone or was dating she’d have no problem telling me but she’s not at that point in her life right now in her words. She still very angry at me and disgusted with me and blames me for basically ruining her entire life which I can’t really blame her in that regard either. She is a fukking T. rex now that I think about it but has never done nothing even close to all the things I’ve done throughout our marriage.

 

[Ranger]

This makes sense and I understand. Are you saying though a woman can’t be fully loyal and fulfilled?
She has went out on multiple occasions and is always with friends when she doesn’t have the kids (she has them about 60%) she’s a great mother.
She has facedtimed the kids when she’s at friends houses (females, some I know) or out with family. I know she’s been to clubs so it’s hard to believe she hasn’t had at least one drunk mistake. She told me if she was seeing someone or was dating she’d have no problem telling me but she’s not at that point in her life right now in her words. She still very angry at me and disgusted with me and blames me for basically ruining her entire life which I can’t really blame her in that regard either. She is a fukking T. rex now that I think about it but has never done nothing even close to all the things I’ve done throughout our marriage.

You have no idea what she has or hasn’t done. But that’s ok man.

The key here is patterns. Your mind is HIGHLY developed as a man, to detect patterns and deviations from patterns. It’s a man’s gift.

First you handle the way you think. Like @Spaz pointed out. He’s been caught red handed and the woman forgave and stuck with him.
True, in this aspect women can be different.

The way you think shows up in how you act and do things. Some are so subtle that 90% of men will never see it, but a woman will. In a heart beat. I would throw out the idea that she did know or did suspect that you were having affairs. Assume that she has and forget it.

Biology trumps morals or vows. Remember those words and learn about yourself first. Women are a “hobby” until you get yourself handled.

 

[ThinkerG]

You have no idea what she has or hasn’t done. But that’s ok man.

The key here is patterns. Your mind is HIGHLY developed as a man, to detect patterns and deviations from patterns. It’s a man’s gift.

First you handle the way you think. Like @Spaz pointed out. He’s been caught red handed and the woman forgave and stuck with him.
True, in this aspect women can be different.

The way you think shows up in how you act and do things. Some are so subtle that 90% of men will never see it, but a woman will. In a heart beat. I would throw out the idea that she did know or did suspect that you were having affairs. Assume that she has and forget it.

Biology trumps morals or vows. Remember those words and learn about yourself first. Women are a “hobby” until you get yourself handled.

I have no doubt in my mind that I would still be married right now if I knew how to have an actual relationship with her and not treat her like a sub par plate. And I k ow you think I’m crazy but she was definitely a good one.

On the other hand though...FVCK the truth hurts! Haha! It’s just hard to wrap my mind around it because she has been obsessed with me since day one BUT now...she’s like **** you and your third chance. It is what it is and I have no choice but to man up.

 

[Ranger]

I have no doubt in my mind that I would still be married right now if I knew how to have an actual relationship with her and not treat her like a sub par plate. And I k ow you think I’m crazy but she was definitely a good one.

On the other hand though...FVCK the truth hurts! Haha! It’s just hard to wrap my mind around it because she has been obsessed with me since day one BUT now...she’s like **** you and your third chance. It is what it is and I have no choice but to man up.

I don’t think you’re crazy.

 

[lamath]

I have no doubt in my mind that I would still be married right now if I knew how to have an actual relationship with her and not treat her like a sub par plate. And I k ow you think I’m crazy but she was definitely a good one.

On the other hand though...FVCK the truth hurts! Haha! It’s just hard to wrap my mind around it because she has been obsessed with me since day one BUT now...she’s like **** you and your third chance. It is what it is and I have no choice but to man up.

For how long have you been seperated?

Ill say it again, do more social stuff and go see friend more, even if you dont feel like it.

I agree with Spaz and Ranger the divorce decision is not because you cheated. there was something wrong before you told her or telling her turned you into an unattractive AFC


I get how hard it could be. you really need to focus on something else than how much you miss her or how much you want her back.


I recently left LTR of 12y with 2 younger kids, ex took it hard and i know she wants me back.
Here what she did to annoy the **** out of me and help me know im way better off without her.
Just putting it outhere incase your doing that.
Dont do that!!!!!!

So what she did is find all the reason in the word to contact me, i was receiving a **** load of txt every day
She called me every week end night at about 11pm just to talk about the kids( wanted to know what i was doing obv)
Every time i talk to her or saw her she was in a bad or sad mood. No one wants to be around people like that.
Needed to have serious in person for some stupid **** like way too often.
Was needy af, asking me to pick up the kids because for some reason she could not, ask me for money etc......

DONT DO THAT!!!
Also dont talk ever again about your cheating unless she brings it up and if she does you need to find a way to keep your frame.




Also i disagree from previous recommendation about pushing her to decide to either finalized the divorce or give you an other chance.
Ultimatum are a sign of powerlessness
https://therationalmale.com/2012/05/07/ultimatum/





Im strongly against getting back with her, but if it was to happen you need to give her space and lots of it.
She need to come back to you by herself, not by you convincing her.

There are way to see her less, i barely interact with ex atm( she is poisoning my mood every time i do by trying to manipulate me into feeling bad for her or for what i did)I know i did nothing bad but she still finds way to make me feel bad about it.

Only interaction should be when you pick up or bring back the kids.
Dont do other stuff with her, even family stuff. If you do it will only make her feel better and more secure about her decision.

 

[Trump]

She’s the one who wants a divorce but never pushes it, asks about it or anything so I’m the one who has to push it along. Last week I had a “put all the marbles on the table” dinner with her. I basically said that I understand her and that understood That I have hurt her deeply. I also stated that I would like to work on our marriage and not get a divorce. She said she couldn’t do it so I told her ok, I’ll finish all the documents and I’ll give her the divorce.

Well then that’s it. Make a decision and stick with it. Otherwise she will make your head spin all while sleeping with a hockey player.

Men, if you say “this is what I’m going to do’ and then try to somehow win her over with emotion, she will laugh at you. Like a 5 year old changing his mind every 2 minutes.

Sleep with other women. Any other discussion is about the children or how hot the new girl you are sleeping with is.

 

[ThinkerG]

For how long have you been seperated?

Ill say it again, do more social stuff and go see friend more, even if you dont feel like it.

I agree with Spaz and Ranger the divorce decision is not because you cheated. there was something wrong before you told her or telling her turned you into an unattractive AFC


I get how hard it could be. you really need to focus on something else than how much you miss her or how much you want her back.


I recently left LTR of 12y with 2 younger kids, ex took it hard and i know she wants me back.
Here what she did to annoy the **** out of me and help me know im way better off without her.
Just putting it outhere incase your doing that.
Dont do that!!!!!!

So what she did is find all the reason in the word to contact me, i was receiving a **** load of txt every day
She called me every week end night at about 11pm just to talk about the kids( wanted to know what i was doing obv)
Every time i talk to her or saw her she was in a bad or sad mood. No one wants to be around people like that.
Needed to have serious in person for some stupid **** like way too often.
Was needy af, asking me to pick up the kids because for some reason she could not, ask me for money etc......

DONT DO THAT!!!
Also dont talk ever again about your cheating unless she brings it up and if she does you need to find a way to keep your frame.




Also i disagree from previous recommendation about pushing her to decide to either finalized the divorce or give you an other chance.
Ultimatum are a sign of powerlessness
https://therationalmale.com/2012/05/07/ultimatum/





Im strongly against getting back with her, but if it was to happen you need to give her space and lots of it.
She need to come back to you by herself, not by you convincing her.

There are way to see her less, i barely interact with ex atm( she is poisoning my mood every time i do by trying to manipulate me into feeling bad for her or for what i did)I know i did nothing bad but she still finds way to make me feel bad about it.

Only interaction should be when you pick up or bring back the kids.
Dont do other stuff with her, even family stuff. If you do it will only make her feel better and more secure about her decision.

Very sound and great advice. I appreciate it. We have been married 7 years. Separated about a year and a half ago. I told her I wanted a divorce and moved her out for about a 2 months and slept with someone and about 2 months later I wanted her back. She begged me not to leave her and cried for months. I missed her and my boys. We go back together for about five months and every day he was hell, I didn’t know how to mend the wound I had created and she would cry to me and begged to me and asked me to go to counseling all the stuff and I was still just stuck in my ways. Not until she told me she doesn’t love me anymore is when my whole world turned upside down. I treated her like she was my slave and not my wife/ partner so yes before I cheated she definitely was feeling like I don’t value her which I can’t blame her for because I didn’t. There were great times in our marriage but also bad, again my fault with a wandering eye. We stayed together for about five months and every day it was hell, I didn’t know how to mend the wound I had created and she would cry to me and begged to me and asked me to go to counseling all the stuff and I was still just stuck in my ways. Not until she told me she doesn’t love me anymore is when my whole world turned upside down. I treated her like she was my slaves and not my wife so yes before I cheated she definitely was feeling like I don’t value her which I can’t blame her for because I didn’t. Of course I realize all this after the fact and have grown leaps and bounds but what’s done is done.

I do admit to doing some of those things that you’re a girl has done to you but not to the same extent. I have just called her and acted like I needed to talk about the kids when in reality I was just jealous wondering where she was and who she was with.

I really crushed her heart, what used to be a fun loving compassionate woman has turned into a dark cold bitter woman all because of me and what I did to her. She even admitted to almost harming herself Because of the turmoil I’ve caused her.

Recently I sat her down and really just listen to her and gave her the ultimatum, I told her we should work on our marriage And get our lives back on track or I can give her a divorce either way I do not want to be stuck in limbo like we have been for a whole year. I’ve spent a year trying to prove myself to her and it hasn’t worked so this was the last straw. We both shared some tears during that conversation conversatio and get our lives back on track or I can give her a divorce either way I do not want to be stuck in limbo like we have been for a whole year. I’ve spent a year trying to prove myself to her and it hasn’t worked so this was the last straw. And the end result was she just can’t forgive me for what I’ve done, she said that she already tried all that she could and she could handle everything but not the fact that I was with somebody else. So basically at this point I’m going to give her what she asked for and that is a divorce . It’s hard because I still want her and my family and she still wants to do things like Christmas together but my gut feeling it’s not a good idea. You don’t get family privileges and husband privileges without a husband or a family

 

[lamath]

I feel you man....

I get why you want things to get back to what it is, you need to change your mindset.
Stop blaming yourself and stop thinking you treated her like a slave, im like 99% its not true. If you are bringing home the bacon, she need to do her part also.

Again i think getting back together is not the best however
Only way imo you can get her back is

only interaction should be when you pick up or bring back the kids.
Dont do other stuff with her, even family stuff.


You dont want THIS!!!
It will only make her feel better and more secure about her decision


You cannot negotiate genuine desire
https://therationalmale.com/tag/genuine-desire/

 

[ThinkerG]

I feel you man....

I get why you want things to get back to what it is, you need to change your mindset.
Stop blaming yourself and stop thinking you treated her like a slave, im like 99% its not true. If you are bringing home the bacon, she need to do her part also.

Again i think getting back together is not the best however
Only way imo you can get her back is

only interaction should be when you pick up or bring back the kids.
Dont do other stuff with her, even family stuff.


You dont want THIS!!!
It will only make her feel better and more secure about her decision


You cannot negotiate genuine desire
https://therationalmale.com/tag/genuine-desire/

I honestly was alpha in all the wrong ways. I’m not feeling sorry for myself but I really was just like the person she had to answer to instead of us sharing a life together. I was arrogant, blunt and my way or the high way...I’m not proud of it and that’s no way to have a relationship.
I feel you though! I do need to change my mind set. That article is gold and remember reading in when I read the book, I’m almost done and will re read it right after.
I’m making changes...she wanted to do Christmas together still but **** that! Thanks for your advice..I have a lot to learn and a lot to put into action. Still not feeling like banging other women right now but I’m sure that won’t last forever. Thanks pal

 

[Ranger]

I honestly was alpha in all the wrong ways. I’m not feeling sorry for myself but I really was just like the person she had to answer to instead of us sharing a life together. I was arrogant, blunt and my way or the high way...I’m not proud of it and that’s no way to have a relationship.
I feel you though! I do need to change my mind set. That article is gold and remember reading in when I read the book, I’m almost done and will re read it right after.
I’m making changes...she wanted to do Christmas together still but **** that! Thanks for your advice..I have a lot to learn and a lot to put into action. Still not feeling like banging other women right now but I’m sure that won’t last forever. Thanks pal

Every time you read it, you will pick up all the things you missed. I listened to it four times and half way through the fifth time when I felt I no longer needed it.

You pick up the things you didn’t hear before because the programming comes off in layers. You can’t see certain things until later.

 

[lamath]

I honestly was alpha in all the wrong ways. I’m not feeling sorry for myself but I really was just like the person she had to answer to instead of us sharing a life together. I was arrogant, blunt and my way or the high way...I’m not proud of it and that’s no way to have a relationship.
I feel you though! I do need to change my mind set. That article is gold and remember reading in when I read the book, I’m almost done and will re read it right after.
I’m making changes...she wanted to do Christmas together still but **** that! Thanks for your advice..I have a lot to learn and a lot to put into action. Still not feeling like banging other women right now but I’m sure that won’t last forever. Thanks pal

Rollo is good but i dont 100% agree with everything but it sure helps understanding the men women dynamic

Get some audiobook instead best and fastest way to educate yourself

Suggesting
The Tactical Guide to Women: How Men Can Manage Risk in Dating and Marriage

might help you see your relationship from a new angle and how to handle divorce


Things will get better gl man

 

[ThinkerG]

Every time you read it, you will pick up all the things you missed. I listened to it four times and half way through the fifth time when I felt I no longer needed it.

You pick up the things you didn’t hear before because the programming comes off in layers. You can’t see certain things until later.

I can definitely see how that is plausible because it’s happened many times in other situations. For my scenario now, Are you somehow saying she caused me to behave this way or something of that nature? I get what you’re saying but I’m not quite sure Intent..?

 

[ThinkerG]

Rollo is good but i dont 100% agree with everything but it sure helps understanding the men women dynamic

Get some audiobook instead best and fastest way to educate yourself

Suggesting
The Tactical Guide to Women: How Men Can Manage Risk in Dating and Marriage

might help you see your relationship from a new angle and how to handle divorce


Things will get better gl man

Will do. Wanted to get through all rational male books first..almost done with the first one. Not sure if you’ve read all of them but wondering is the tactical guide one should be next