Don’t want a divorce but don’t want ONEitis

[Ranger]

I can definitely see how that is plausible because it’s happened many times in other situations. For my scenario now, Are you somehow saying she caused me to behave this way or something of that nature? I get what you’re saying but I’m not quite sure Intent..?

You are responsible for all of it...if you think about it standing outside the box.
By accepting that you are the man and the leader, it belongs to you. IF you want to be a better man.

But her actions can prompt you to act in ways and basically seal your fate. There is much to learn.

 

[lamath]

Will do. Wanted to get through all rational male books first..almost done with the first one. Not sure if you’ve read all of them but wondering is the tactical guide one should be next

Rollo 1st book is by far the best imo
Tactical will help you see what was not working with marriage and why, might also help you with oneitis and also give good advise on protecting yourself when divorcing.
2nd Rollo is more on LTR i did not reead the 3 rd one yet.

What i see from Rollo is that its more theories than practice. So its good help to understand whats happening but harder to figure out what to do with that info.

 

[ThinkerG]

Rollo is good but i dont 100% agree with everything but it sure helps understanding the men women dynamic

Get some audiobook instead best and fastest way to educate yourself

Suggesting
The Tactical Guide to Women: How Men Can Manage Risk in Dating and Marriage

might help you see your relationship from a new angle and how to handle divorce


Things will get better gl man

Also what don’t you agree with on Rollo? Everything has been pretty spot on for me..my only Quarrel is I don’t believe every woman is the same actually. I get human nature and primal instincts but there are good ones (men and women)

 

[ThinkerG]

You are responsible for all of it...if you think about it standing outside the box.
By accepting that you are the man and the leader, it belongs to you. IF you want to be a better man.

But her actions can prompt you to act in ways and basically seal your fate. There is much to learn.

Very methodical, you’re like yoda and I have to read between the lines. My focus was getting her back, I’m making a quantum shift on my focus for this to not be my goal. I need to get on my purpose and carry on while dissecting my situation from different angles and waiting for my subcouncious to give me the answers as I learn more

 

[lamath]

Also what don’t you agree with on Rollo? Everything has been pretty spot on for me..my only Quarrel is I don’t believe every woman is the same actually. I get human nature and primal instincts but there are good ones (men and women)

Im no expert in general he is right, but i feel like sometime he is oversimplifying and that , things are not as black and white.
If you got a chance look at his youtube channel and Red Man group channel also

 

[Ranger]

For me, the use of the word “Hypergamy”. It’s not incorrect, but it doesn’t fully help a new guy understand that it’s actually her moving to a better option as a subconscious action when her survival with her present man seems tenuous or even failing do to the man turning into a girl.

This is not something she has control of per sey, her desire turns off and she is repelled by the idea of sex with the guy. He is no longer breeding material. From a biological standpoint. She has no power to turn her desire on or off. She’s a puppet on the Hypergamy string.

 

[ThinkerG]

Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy.

You simply tell her that you understand what you did, how it impacted her and what you want between the 2 of you and what to expect from you going forward.

You tell her that if she isnt willing to grant you another chance (fully) that you will 100% comply with the divorce. You tell her if a divorce is what she wants, the 2 of you should get the process going ASAP.

You need her to either submit (fully) to working things out or commit (fully) to the divorce. You have to eliminate one side so that you can move forward either way and get your life back on track.

Its simple. If she is calling your bluff she will submit. If she is truly wanting a divorce, you oblige and move on. No more second guessing. That is the first step in you getting closure either way and starting to develop a strong frame again.

As far as what you do if she is all in on the divorce? I guess it is natural to not be immediately interested in other women because you are down on yourself. Allow yourself 3 days to feel sorry and then get at it. The gym, hobbies that you enjoy, spend more time with your kids when they are with you, etc.

You cannot control her and her emotions but you d@mn well can control yours.

Great advice which brings me to my next question. I’ve never been like this but this whole ordeal has brought out my inner beta. I have to see her all the time...my stomach turns every time because she looks so good. I’m still very attracted to her..She’s hot, nice body even just wearing simple sh!t (jeans and a shirt she’s lookys sexy) and I just know guys are hitting on her/asking her out/ checking her out. How is one suppose to get over this? I’m pretty good looking but this is irrelevant to me because it doesn’t change my feelings. She’s swore that she isn’t talking or interested in men and that shed have no problem telling me she’s dating(I caught her off guard a couple weeks ago and flat out asked her)..according to her she’s not. I don’t trust anyone her or anyone really...how could she be so cold without being entertained?
Basically..how do I get my jealousy in control so that every time I have my children (which means she’s alone and free to do whatever she wants) I’m not obsessing over thinking she out fvcking someone while I’m over here working on being a great father, self improvement and NOT getting laid(on purpose ,as I believe this will complicate things)
This isn’t some high school girl I’m trying to woo or some new woman I’m trying to get with. This is my wife who we know each other very well and been MARRIED 7 years. The same advice won’t work on her as it would someone new and I’m also not trying to play physiological games with her because 1. She’s doesn’t deserve that and 2. she’s not some easily manipulated ****. I might make this it’s seperate thread as I believe a lot of men’s have struggled with this before and will in the future.

 

[lamath]

No miracle solutions nc is usualy best but ik its not possible in your situation.

Right now you dont see her as what she really is, you see her thru the eyes of a lovesick bias man.

Imo you need to find a way to see her in a more neutral way, focus on her flaws.
Go get some self help audiobook some might help give you more hope for your future, if want some suggestion ill give you some.


I remember my 1st gf when i was younger it took me like 2-3 years to get over a 6 month relationship, she was nothing special that was pathetic from me.

 

[marmel75]

Very sound and great advice. I appreciate it. We have been married 7 years. Separated about a year and a half ago. I told her I wanted a divorce and moved her out for about a 2 months and slept with someone and about 2 months later I wanted her back. She begged me not to leave her and cried for months. I missed her and my boys. We go back together for about five months and every day he was hell, I didn’t know how to mend the wound I had created and she would cry to me and begged to me and asked me to go to counseling all the stuff and I was still just stuck in my ways. Not until she told me she doesn’t love me anymore is when my whole world turned upside down. I treated her like she was my slave and not my wife/ partner so yes before I cheated she definitely was feeling like I don’t value her which I can’t blame her for because I didn’t. There were great times in our marriage but also bad, again my fault with a wandering eye. We stayed together for about five months and every day it was hell, I didn’t know how to mend the wound I had created and she would cry to me and begged to me and asked me to go to counseling all the stuff and I was still just stuck in my ways. Not until she told me she doesn’t love me anymore is when my whole world turned upside down. I treated her like she was my slaves and not my wife so yes before I cheated she definitely was feeling like I don’t value her which I can’t blame her for because I didn’t. Of course I realize all this after the fact and have grown leaps and bounds but what’s done is done.

I do admit to doing some of those things that you’re a girl has done to you but not to the same extent. I have just called her and acted like I needed to talk about the kids when in reality I was just jealous wondering where she was and who she was with.

I really crushed her heart, what used to be a fun loving compassionate woman has turned into a dark cold bitter woman all because of me and what I did to her. She even admitted to almost harming herself Because of the turmoil I’ve caused her.

Recently I sat her down and really just listen to her and gave her the ultimatum, I told her we should work on our marriage And get our lives back on track or I can give her a divorce either way I do not want to be stuck in limbo like we have been for a whole year. I’ve spent a year trying to prove myself to her and it hasn’t worked so this was the last straw. We both shared some tears during that conversation conversatio and get our lives back on track or I can give her a divorce either way I do not want to be stuck in limbo like we have been for a whole year. I’ve spent a year trying to prove myself to her and it hasn’t worked so this was the last straw. And the end result was she just can’t forgive me for what I’ve done, she said that she already tried all that she could and she could handle everything but not the fact that I was with somebody else. So basically at this point I’m going to give her what she asked for and that is a divorce . It’s hard because I still want her and my family and she still wants to do things like Christmas together but my gut feeling it’s not a good idea. You don’t get family privileges and husband privileges without a husband or a family

Then what do you expect? You had your chance, you fvcked up and now when she doesn't want anything to do with you anymore now all of a sudden you want her back?

Dude, you dont always get second chances. To be quite honest, you don't deserve another chance. You acted like a douchebag, grow up, learn from what happened here and don't treat the next woman you are with similarly.

 

[Glassguy]

Right now you dont see her as what she really is, you see her thru the eyes of a lovesick bias man.

Very true.

After reading OPs posts, he doesnt want anyone else to have her more than he wants her back.
It's the classic "I dont want anyone else to have you".
It's over. More than likely she is already banging other dudes. At least getting the c0ck carousel lines up.
A woman her age that is attractive and getting divorced? She will have more weiners coming her way than Oscar Meyers. And with kids? Pump and dump central.
I think most women start testing the waters LONG before they bring up the D word. They want to get a gauge on their market value before they make the move. Monkey branching 101.
Face the facts and move on. Hopefully you've given her the delima of making amends and working it out or getting started on the divorce asap. The only thing you can control at this point is not being in limbo on her terms.

 

[marmel75]

Very true.

After reading OPs posts, he doesnt want anyone else to have her more than he wants her back.
It's the classic "I dont want anyone else to have you".
It's over. More than likely she is already banging other dudes. At least getting the c0ck carousel lines up.
A woman her age that is attractive and getting divorced? She will have more weiners coming her way than Oscar Meyers. And with kids? Pump and dump central.
I think most women start testing the waters LONG before they bring up the D word. They want to get a gauge on their market value before they make the move. Monkey branching 101.
Face the facts and move on. Hopefully you've given her the delima of making amends and working it out or getting started on the divorce asap. The only thing you can control at this point is not being in limbo on her terms.

Yeah I've had several women tell me that once they got divorced they had dudes who they thought were "just friends" coming at them hard...and it kind of shocked them...

And these women were not what I'd call very attractive or hot, they were ranging from average to cute...trust and believe this chick has dudes coming at her from every direction right about now.