Does anyone here go to Co-Dependents Anonymous meetings?

[AJ84]

It’s mentality. Life hit me differently than it did most kids, and at a way earlier age. There were no drugs or alcohol to turn to. Feel the pain, and now you have to try everything humanly possible to try and make it stop. What the **** do I have to do? It only happened once everyone in my family got sick of me and my bull**** and just gave up on me and left me to do my own thing. I can’t possibly tell you where I can from, except that most kids who dealt with the same crap I had either started to kill themselves from ages 11-13, went on drugs and destroyed their lives after, or in today’s time become a school shooter type. I had no choice BUT to get stronger/tougher. That’s the key. That is the answer to your problems. Get stronger and tougher.

It didn’t work for me. I fully understand why men would want to seek out help, and I get why they would want to talk to someone. I was exactly like that. I still catch myself wanting to talk about things sometimes too. But you have to realize that people who’ve been through the absolute worst, so NOT talk about heir stories ever. You always learn about it second hand, from someone else who was close to them, and they always tell you how sad or messed up it was. But if you bring it up to the actual person themselves, they tell it to you without emotion. They just say what happened and that’s it. Read some books on the holocaust. You’ll find that the ones written by the kids or grandkids are super touchy-feely but the ones written by the holocaust survivors themselves are the exact opposite. Here’s one that talked about the crap that went on Sierra Leone in the 60s. It’s called A Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier. No emotions, just facts.

I realized that the best way to get over your problems and handle them are to just get stronger and tougher, like how the ingrained rule is. Why? Because a strong and tough person wouldn’t even NEED any ‘help’. He would handle his situation and it would not bother him. There are NO downsides to being stronger and tougher (so long as you know when to soften up in certain occasions). Yes, bottling up emotions isn’t good. But thats different from not letting it affect you. Why is it that some men no longer know how to be stronger or tougher? I can tell you why, as was the case for me: we never had guidance on how to be stronger or tougher. No one ever taught us what it meant to be a man or how to talk to women, how to be masculine. You think strong, tough, masculine men have depression or issues with crying and ‘not knowing what to do’? Ridiculous. I got out of that mindset because I taught myself how to (because I HAD to), and I would have fallen back into weakness had I not found this place.

Weakness is inhibitory. Strength is the way. Teach your friend that. Strong men don’t go to those classes for a shoulder to cry on or to talk about their problems. They would much rather work on a solution TO those problems or do something else productive. Those classes don’t teach men how to be stronger either. It only reaffirms what their ego wants to believe. No. Shatter their reality. Have them completely question everything they know. When you work from the ground up, you can rebuild yourself into anything you want, and you no longer have anything to lose. Those men need to learn how to be stronger and tougher. That is all. Then their problems will seem minuscule in comparison to a bigger problem they’ve had throughout most of their life, which was ‘why in the ****ing hell was I so weak before? There is so much work to do to fix it that I don’t even know where to start’.

I fully empathize with those men. And because of that, I don’t have sympathy for them. Because that is how you learn to fix yourself and harden up. You choose whether or not you want to sink or swim.

If you want to lower suicide rates for men, you don’t put emotional safety nets for men like this because that only cover some up the symptoms. If you want to REALLY stop it, you gotta fix the ducking culture we live in, which is why so many guys here complain about how crappy society is today. You gotta start lobbying or protesting at Hollywood and/or DC en-masse to shift the culture to something else where men would be appreciated more for being men, and to fix the lopsided system we have too.

The group is not a "pass the tissue group" at all.

It's tailored to men so it's actually about skill building while sharing if people want to share. Last week there was a seminar on how men can advocate for themselves in family court with a family law lawyer giving step by step tips and resources.

A couple of weeks ago they all went to a baseball game.

A lot of problem solving and sharing resources, not 'there there shoulder pats.'

Tailored by men, for men, lead by men.

Again, I'm not saying all men should seek help, do what works for you which you clearly did and that's great.

But, again, that's not all men.

The main thing is men who want to get better finding a way to get better regardless of that way.

 

[Spaz]

Men has all the feelings that women has and at times I think even more "feelings" then women. Our compassion knows no bounds. Our love has no limits.

But a man must learn to BURY/CONTROL his FEELINGS lest it overruns his logic.

He must not be taught to talk/share/explore his feelings like a women. It's dangerous.

A man has so much potential to do massive harm to his immediate surrounding or to himself is he can't control himself by being stronger, he cannot and must not allow emotions to rule his logic. A man must be trained to man up when the occasion demands it.

 

[R.U.G.]

How many suicide interventions have you done? How many times did you have to jab someone with Naloxone when you found then unresponsive on the floor? How many times did you take a person to a social program because they spend fours months in their apt with the curtian drawn and a pile of suicide draft notes and a drafted will? How many times did you walk into to someone's home and find them dead?

Will all due respect Dee, you don't do what I do and you don't know what you're talking about. I don't do whatever your job is so I don't profess to know better than you about the facts of your job.

If that's being arrogant then yep I'm f**king arrogant deal with it.

As a former EMS worker, plenty. However, they were just weak and didn't know how to control themselves or their emotions. Typical from a fatherless home or no male role model. B!tching and moaning never helped anyone solve the issue at hand. The issue is maturity and dealing with their own issues. Need to talk? On the edge? Go to a therapist? Thinking of suicide (not just crying for attention), you can always call suicide prevention. People commit suicide because they are either chemically unbalanced or cannot handle life anymore. Taking to a bunch of other people in the same boat will only bring you down. You are looking at it from the provider level. Switch hats and look at it through at the receiving end. Much different.

 

[AJ84]

Men has all the feelings that women has and at times I think even more "feelings" then women. Our compassion knows no bounds. Our love has no limits.

But a man must learn to BURY/CONTROL his FEELINGS lest it overruns his logic.

He must not be taught to talk/share/explore his feelings like a women. It's dangerous.

A man has so much potential to do massive harm to his immediate surrounding or to himself is he can't control himself by being stronger, he cannot and must not allow emotions to rule his logic. A man must be trained to man up when the occasion demands it.

I'm not here trying to make men do things they don't want to do.

Just giving my perspective based on my experience which is what literally everyone else is doing here.

I'm not a man, I don't know what it's like to be a man. But I do work with men who are suffering and I know what it's like to work with men who are not doing well mentally for a variety of reasons. I also learn what that's like for them from their perspective.


This is something I do happen to know a lot about because of my job. I'm not telling men how to be men, which Dee seems to think.

I'm saying that for some men, seeking help works for them and they shouldn't be crapped on for it. I also stipulated a few times that not all men should seek help to feel better if that's not going to work for them. Do what works - on your own, with someone else's support whatever.

I'm not suggesting men cut their d**ks off and turn into women lol.

 

[AJ84]

As a former EMS worker, plenty. However, they were just weak and didn't know how to control themselves or their emotions. Typical from a fatherless home or no male role model. B!tching and moaning never helped anyone solve the issue at hand. The issue is maturity and dealing with their own issues. Need to talk? On the edge? Go to a therapist? Thinking of suicide (not just crying for attention), you can always call suicide prevention. People commit suicide because they are either chemically unbalanced or cannot handle life anymore. Taking to a bunch of other people in the same boat will only bring you down. You are looking at it from the provider level. Switch hats and look at it through at the receiving end. Much different.

I bet it is different yes. And yes I am speaking from a provider level that's true.

I have been in an ambulance many times with clients so I felt that intense vibe and also see how thankless that job is, with EMS getting yelled at etc by people they are trying to help. I have a lot of respect for what they do. I bet you have stories it's not a job for the faint of heart that's for sure.

But my point is that some men want support to get better, and that should be ok. Some men can get better on their own and that's great. Do what works if the end result is feeling better.

 

[R.U.G.]

As with most things in life nowadays, all good deeds go unpunished..

 

[logicallefty]

I'm saying that for some men, seeking help works for them and they shouldn't be crapped on for it. I also stipulated a few times that not all men should seek help to feel better if that's not going to work for them. Do what works - on your own, with someone else's support whatever.

I'm not suggesting men cut their d**ks off and turn into women lol.

Well we have 86,000+ members on SoSuave, the vast vast majority of which are men. Surely sooner or later another man will come forward and validate that "Yes, I got professional help" and "yes, it was beneficial". I would also like to hear this person say they were not emascilated in the process or get his d|ck cut off like you say; that would be a bonus. . Statistically speaking there must be one out there somewhere out of 86,000. So now we wait.

 

[Spaz]

I'm saying that for some men, seeking help works for them and they shouldn't be crapped on for it. I also stipulated a few times that not all men should seek help to feel better if that's not going to work for them. Do what works - on your own, with someone else's support whatever.

I'm not suggesting men cut their d**ks off and turn into women lol.

A man needs help? Go get help from someone who's better; learn, train, etc.

A man needs advice for mental health? He's been talking to too much women, taking their advice too much, listening to their narratives on how is it to be manly, brought up by mommy, etc. He's so screwed in the head that what he really needs is retraining - and lots of pain to get his backbone all proper.

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

But, again, that's not all men.

I think what it is, is that it’s not all PEOPLE. ‘Men’ implies specifically masculinity in there, which is the same throughout. But as PEOPLE, we are different. I think this is one of the things that’s hard for me to understand, because to me I treat those issues as relating to that, whereas for them, at that moment in hardship, they think of it as just a general issue rather than them as one as a man. I seem to have forgotten that one part until now though...

 

[Alvafe]

I bet it is different yes. And yes I am speaking from a provider level that's true.

I have been in an ambulance many times with clients so I felt that intense vibe and also see how thankless that job is, with EMS getting yelled at etc by people they are trying to help. I have a lot of respect for what they do. I bet you have stories it's not a job for the faint of heart that's for sure.

But my point is that some men want support to get better, and that should be ok. Some men can get better on their own and that's great. Do what works if the end result is feeling better.

I bet it is different yes. And yes I am speaking from a provider level that's true.

I have been in an ambulance many times with clients so I felt that intense vibe and also see how thankless that job is, with EMS getting yelled at etc by people they are trying to help. I have a lot of respect for what they do. I bet you have stories it's not a job for the faint of heart that's for sure.

But my point is that some men want support to get better, and that should be ok. Some men can get better on their own and that's great. Do what works if the end result is feeling better.

and I think that is what most guys here are saying, you need to be tough to deal with this, getting support for most is asking someone to tell him what to do, and that is not to toughen or to get stronger, is be dependent of someone who tells you what to do, had a time when guys don't know what to do and wanted someone to tell then what to do, they asked they father or just joined the army, now when most guys didn't know they father or fathers who are weaker then they moms, you can see why most fail on the toughen up and learn on the fly, with is what mens always did

 

[Spaz]

and I think that is what most guys here are saying, you need to be tough to deal with this, getting support for most is asking someone to tell him what to do, and that is not to toughen or to get stronger, is be dependent of someone who tells you what to do, had a time when guys don't know what to do and wanted someone to tell then what to do, they asked they father or just joined the army, now when most guys didn't know they father or fathers who are weaker then they moms, you can see why most fail on the toughen up and learn on the fly, with is what mens always did

A male only needs his mother at the age of 0-5 years old. She will nuture and pamper him all she wants, every fall he makes she'll fuss over him, every error he makes she'll lie to him and say he's doing great. For that's the time he learns love and how to be in love in its purest form.

Then it needs to stop. And for the father to take over to train his son to fall and not be pampered, to rise up when in pain, to endure pain, to smile when he bleeds from his scraped knees. And every error his son makes will be handled with an explanation and training on how to be better, faster, stronger, etc.

This training will likely reach (10-13 yrs old) until the boy feels he is better then his father and will want to prove it. He will rebel to finally come to terms with his training and finding his own manhood.

Any women reading this and thinking they can raise their son into a man, u r sadly misguided and will unwittingly contribute to his mental health decline. A male raised by females cannot function properly. He is not trained to fall and rise back up with laughter in the air and joy in overcoming obstacles he faces.

 

[Spaz]

My postings in this thread is to highlight how complicit people have become to the suffering of other men.

And how all r accountable (regular posters) towards that.

And it's up to us to ensure no one person, family or community of men goes unnoticed here, in SS.

Aside to OP, go read the DJ Bible, lots of wisdom there from a variety of men who once threaded in these forum's. Have fun reading it, accept where you've made mistakes, laugh it off and learn, be stronger from your mistakes, come out of it like a motherfvcking great man you were born to be.

 

[MoreThanSmooth]

I'm no authority on the subject of addiction but taking a quick look at the "gaming addict" forum Desi linked, I found the "Step 2: Accept a Higher Power Can Help" advice very bizarre. Extremely cult-like.

If you're addicted, salvation lies within. Heck, if anything in your life is f*cked, salvation lies within. You are the one universal constant.

With something wrong in your life, you have to fix it and you alone. You may need help from others to do so, but at the end of the day no "higher power" is going to allow you to make the conscious decision to correct your behaviour yourself.

It's like if you're obese and you simply say "God will make me slim." Err, no. Put down the ice cream and get on the treadmill, otherwise nothing will happen.

 

[Desdinova]

Men are less likely to seek help, even if they want to seek it, because of that ingrained attitude.

Let me ask you two questions...

1) When was the last time you saw an ad offering help for men?
2) When was the last time you saw an ad offering help for women?

I honestly think that men don't seek help because they don't know it exists. It's also entirely possible that it DOESN'T exist.

 

[The Duke]

Life isn't a John Wayne movie and men should be able to seek help in a way that works for them, that's all I'm saying

Not acting like John Wayne is how men gave all their power away and got involved in these faggot azz feminine support groups.

Should men start going to the bathroom in groups too? You know women can't seem to handle that task without each other.

Have you ever read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? Men go to their cave to sort out their issues and return to center. They don't behave like women and announce their problems to anybody that will listen.

What you don't seem to get is the connection that urging men to act like women and seek out support does no good for them. It does nothing other than to turn them into women, and last I checked the weaker more feminine men really struggle with women. Lord knows we don't need more men depressed because they aren't good with women.

 

[AJ84]

Let me ask you two questions...

1) When was the last time you saw an ad offering help for men?
2) When was the last time you saw an ad offering help for women?

I honestly think that men don't seek help because they don't know it exists. It's also entirely possible that it DOESN'T exist.

There's none. None that I have seen anyway. I did recently see a poster for a support group for moms with kids with special needs. What about the dads? That's not right in my opinion

Mental health funding, as with all healthcare funding, is based on an identified need. The more a demographic of the population (homeless, addicts, seniors) seeks help the more it registers with the powers that be and funding is put in place, especially any funding that keeps people out of hospital beds, a cost that is much more expensive than community treatment.

So it's like the chicken/egg question: are less men receiving men's tailored mental health support because they don't seek it or because it's not available? I think it's a bit of both but for sure, there is a wide spread view, perpetuated by both men and women, that men seeking mental
health support are weak.

But if there were more men led programs with support that was tailored to how men want to receive support I think this would be ideal. Canada is slowly getting there but there still a long way to go.

 

[AJ84]

Not acting like John Wayne is how men gave all their power away and got involved in these faggot azz feminine support groups.

Should men start going to the bathroom in groups too? You know women can't seem to handle that task without each other.

Have you ever read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? Men go to their cave to sort out their issues and return to center. They don't behave like women and announce their problems to anybody that will listen.

What you don't seem to get is the connection that urging men to act like women and seek out support does no good for them. It does nothing other than to turn them into women, and last I checked the weaker more feminine men really struggle with women. Lord knows we don't need more men depressed because they aren't good with women.

Sigh.., that's not what I'm saying read my posts again. Iike actually read them, not look for one or two sentences and respond based on that.

Or not. Whatever. I can't be more clear than what I posted sorry if this is being misinterpreted as me trying to turn men into women.

 

[The Duke]

Sigh.., that's not what I'm saying read my posts again. Iike actually read them, not look for one or two sentences and respond based on that.

Or not. Whatever. I can't be more clear than what I posted sorry if this is being misinterpreted as me trying to turn men into women.

I read your post 3 times. You struggle to understand men as a whole. There are multiple other MEN on this same thread trying to tell you the same thing I did.

Men are ridiculed and seen as week amongst other men & women for enrolling in support groups like this.

You going to tell us its ok for men to cry too? You'll be the first one to complain when there are no more strong, independent men left.

I don't care to see your feminine narrative pushed here.

 

[AJ84]

I read your post 3 times. You struggle to understand men as a whole. There are multiple other MEN on this same thread trying to tell you the same thing I did.

Men are ridiculed and seen as week amongst other men & women for enrolling in support groups like this.

You going to tell us its ok for men to cry too? You'll be the first one to complain when there are no more strong, independent men left.

I don't care to see your feminine narrative pushed here.

I can understand, from your perspective, why you feel that way.

 

[AJ84]

Throwing a strop won't do any good.

I was telling you why that message isn't so appreciated in the particular place. And you didn't even listen to that either

True, this isn't that kind of site which is probably why the OP didn't reply back lol.

Bottom line to me is men, just like all human beings, should be able to seek ways to feel better in anyway that works for them. On their own John Wayne style, talking to someone, writing it down whatever. If a guy thinks it's not helpful to talk to someone for help then don't. If some guy wants to talk to someone then do it.

There's enough bs we have to put up with from people as it is, telling us how we should be based on what they think is the ideal standard.