Do I have a "passiveness" problem?

[Mr.Positive]

If you tell a woman do not say the word "A@@" to me. You are stating this is my boundary. Respect that or you will be gone. She doesn't say it out of respect. However , she respects your boundaries out of fear of you walking away and losing you. Only in time, with maturity, she will do it out of love. Real mature love take many years to develop and even then boundaries have to be set.

It is your duty as a MAN , to lead. A LEASH or strong internal boudaries she needs to respect must be in place. She is initially with you by choice but she stays with you because you are a MAN.

Guru, good post. I agree, and think I was misinterpretting your use of 'control'. Furthurmore, it's important that if you do not understand what your internal boundaries are (for each man it's different), women will see that as a sign of weakness.

With weakness...comes disrespect, and women can never develop real mature love with someone they do not respect.

 

[JeeperCane]

I think the leading and creating boundaries argument is a really good one! It's something I never really did. I think some of it may be tied to my lack of desire to yell, but at the same time, I know that some of it is due to my lack of caring. Honestly, yes, it bothered me when was dumped in previous LTR's, but I have never completely.....I'm talking bell-jar depressed, not eating, crying, etc.....lost it over a woman since my very first real gf dumped me after HS (and I think we've ALL been there). I am worried because it never mattered enough to me and I think that I've lost some outstanding women along the way. I don't know of it's the fear of getting close to people, arrogance, close-mindedness, lack of a desire to lead or whatever, but my priorities have always been: my family, my friends, my job, UM sports, working out, video games, sleeping, watching TV.........and then my gf somewhere down the line. I'm really starting to feel bad that I've never put them first. This could possibly be a good thing, but I think it's costing me some experiences down the road.

 

[Interceptor]

Jeepr, you see how you're getting into these deep core issues?

You see how we have to really know ourselves? It's the only way we can truly MOVE ON. Otherwise, we are just denying we are carryinkg excess baggage that is detrimental.

We have to have a strong identity. Strong beliefs, ideas, opinions, preferences.
We have to be strong enough to SAY "NO" and strong enough to HEAR "NO".

It's all about your Personal Boundary.

Let in Good behavior, keep out Bad behavior , but in a mature, masucline manner. Assert your authority and your repsonsibilty for TAKING CARE of YOU.

I think You aren't too used to being ASSERTIVE, Jeepr.

Many people CONFUSE being ASSERTIVE, with BEING "AGGRESSIVE".

A mature, masculine Man MUST be able to differentiate, and MUST BE ABLE TO DEMONSTRATE BOTH actions.
Being assertive.

Being Aggressive.

There's nothing wrong with that.


Jeeper, I believe you feel that your Dad was being aggressive.
When he yelled at you, he was being aggressive.
You didn't tlike that, did you?
So you felt yelling was something bad, which you're right , it is.
Yelling at someone is being aggressive.
Since you didn't like it, you didn't want to do it too....

"I'm not going to be like my father."

I strongly believe You decided you wouldn't be like your dad and 'yell' at people, because it was aggressive, and demeaning. Which it is.
But I now think you went too far, and in decidding you won't be like your father, you left out the part about standing up fpr what is right for yourSELF.
You left out being assertive, Jeep. I am starting to believe that.

Jeeper, give yorself PERMISSION........now...........



Jeeper give yourself PERMISSION to stand up for yourself when you feel that uncomfortable, gnawing dfeeling in your belly.

When you feel something's wrong.

Give YOURSELF PERMISSION to stand up and say "Listen, I dont agree with this." to the person who is trying to "get" at you. Who is trying to take your very prescious [/I]emotional resources.
You are not you father. You won't break your Oath by standing up for yourself.
Here's what you have to do too..


You must FORGIVE Dad for his behavior.

Your Dad was someone who didn't know how to CONTROL himself. Jeep

He went off the handle because he needed to vent his frustration, man. And you were his kid, and he thought maybe he would teach you a lesson, or somethign positive would come out of it, but it didn't. Dude, HE didn't know any better either. And it hurts us to realize that our old man, didn't HAVE all the answers. And he fvcked up too. We don't like realizing that our parents were far frm perfect. It hurts, Jeep.

As you know NOW, it did more harm than good.

Jeep.......

Forgive YOURSELF too,man.

You didn't know better. YOu didn't HAVE thte TOOLS, man.
You can't beat yourself up if you made up the tools yourself without actually knowing just what the Hell you were doing.
You can't blame a dog for being a dog, and not knowing better.

Jeep, there are times when we realize :"Holy sh*t, I am NOT perfect. I really did fvck this up, and myself."
And the best realization we thenhave is : "I did this myself, to myself, and to others. How can I make this right? How can I make this better? How can I be better?"

And we hate to feel it, and recognize it.
But as masculine men, in order to be the "Rock", we need to be CONGRUENT, and at PEACE with ourSELVES, and.believe it or not..........

........the HURT we have inside.



Jeep, don't keep punishing Dad, and youself, and the women in your Life any more.

Let it go, get up, dust yourself off, and start walking.

It's time to grow, Jeep.