Divorced Women and The Baggage They Carry

[Frank2500]

I've noticed a trend that seems to be developing in my dating life. Probably because of all the crap that I've been through with women in their early to mid twenties (I'm 29) I have become more attracted to older women. Last weekend, I talked to two women who looked in their 30s. One was 35, the other turned out to be 42. The 42-year-old, before eventually giving me her number, was in a bad mood and in the process of breaking up with her boyfriend. The one unfortunate thing though, is that recently as well, I seem to keep meeting women with baggage-women with children or women who are divorced.


The 32 year old woman and I shared a connection in the sense that we've both been through a long series of heart breaking experiences with the opposite sex, so it created a bond between us. However, she is recently divorced and has two kids-ages 6 and 10.

So my question here is to any men who have dated divorced women with children in the past, or divorced women period. Do you think it is a good idea based on your experiences? I feel reluctant because I always think about the possibility that the ex-husband could get jealous when he finds out his ex-wife might be happily dating someone else. He might say to himself: "If I can't have her, no one will." Then he may start stalking you and his ex-wife and even show up at her house with a gun someday and attempt inflicting harm on you both, especially if he's still allowed to see the kids. Currently, the 32 year old woman's children are away to see her ex-husband. He will be returning them to her on Friday. What are your thoughts on this?

 

[WestCoaster]

Waste of freaking time

I made the same mistake of trying to be the Knight (AFC Knight) in shining armor (make that shining sh-t) back at your age.

Pause ... I'm BEGGING you here, do NOT date or even go out with either woman.

Here's why: You're 29, meaning your chances of dating multiple women ages 18-30 is right there for you. And I'm talking about attractive, minimal to no baggage, educated, interesting women in that age group.

Why are you even thinking about 35 and 42 year olds with kids when you're in the prime of your life. Trust me, this is a mistake you should not be making, even if you're attracted to them. When they cancel dates to pick up their kids, take kids on dates, etc., your attraction level will go down.

You're no Knight in shining armor, you're making a big mistake. I know: I made the same mistakes many times.

Now take my advice: Find the nearest college, walk across it when classes change and eyeball the co-eds -- those are who you should be dating, and they'll go out with you. In a few more years, they'll be less inclined to because of your age.

If you're not going to take my advice, I hope Rollo T. comes in here and cyber b-tch slaps you.

Ahhh, it's good to be back!

 

[Wyldfire]

Frank...you shouldn't base whether or not you date someone on whether or not they have an ex-husband. You should base it on whether or not you really like her and if she has the kind of qualities you would like to find in someone.

Regarding people (both male and female) who are divorced...things usually calm down more once the divorce is final...and an ex husband or ex wife is no more likely to react badly to a new person entering the picture than an ex boyfriend of ex girlfriend. Now, if someone is in the middle of getting divorced, that can be a different story...and can be very stressful for the new person, regardless of their sex.

Regarding baggage...it sounds like you have plenty of your own baggage as well. I say this because you said you connected with the 32 year old because you had both been through a lot of heartbreak. Bottom line...no one is perfect and everyone has been through their share of sh*t. It's not how much sh*t a person has been through that is important...it's how they deal with the negative crap that determines how healthy they are as a person. This applies equally to men and women.

About the children...some guys refuse to date women with kids...and if they refer to human beings as "baggage" then it's just as well they stay the hell away from anyone with children. If you like kids and don't have a problem with a woman having kids then you shouldn't let a woman having kids stop you from dating a woman you like. One piece of advice regarding children I would suggest is that you should not spend a lot of time around them or get attached to a woman's children unless you have been dating at least 6 months and think it could last a long time or even lead to marriage. Broken attachments if things don't work out are hard for both the children and the person who ends up out of the picture.

Hope this helps...

 

[Wyldfire]

Westcoaster...he said he has been dating women in the lower age range and is disappointed in them. Some guys who come here aren't looking to date multiple women and want to find one person they are more compatible and happier with. If it's women his age or older that he's finding what he's looking for with it's okay for him to date those women.

I agree that no man should fall into the "rescuer" mindset, but the age of the women has no relevance to whether or not he's doing that. Not too long ago I suggested that a rescuer made a list of the traits he likes and wants in a woman and keep them in his mind when meeting a woman for the first time and to watch for those traits instead of falling into the habit of being attracted to women with sob stories because they show vulnerability. This guy should focus on those traits as well...moreso than the age, divorce, if she has kids, etc.

 

[blueguy]

You really should listen to Wydlfire. Her advice is spot on.

You're only 29. As we know, much older women who are financially secure love younger men. And younger guys don't much prefer older women, so that gives you quite a bit of choice here among them! So listen, kids don't matter. How many doesn't matter either. Hell, if she has 6 kids and you love her, I say great. It'd be awesome if you got serious... to live with and help raise that many kids for a woman you love. Your only other options are the younger girls without kids, I mean - hello - it's a no brainer. Why would you want your own kids anyway? Date older women who already have them. And I don't know why you are stopping at the 42 year olds either. The older, the more experienced, the better, I say. Go for the 50 and 60 year olds too. I'm sure you can be a hot commodity and have a great dating life.

 

[jophil28]

I have been married ( briefly) to a woman who had two young teens from her first marriage.(1992-1994) I have also had several LTRs with "women with kids" and here are my combined experiences and conclusions (and warnings )

1. Women who have been divorced for more that a year or so develop, and encourage a clingy dependent relationship with their children. They recruit their kids to be Mom's comforter and confidante. She removes discipline from her parenting to provide a cushy lifestyle for the kids, hoping that the kids will "be there " for Mom FOREVER just in case her next relationship with a guy goes south. Mom treats the children as surrogate adults . Sometimes she 'romantisizes" her relationship with her son. The kids grow up with BIG ideas abouth their own importance and resent the "intrusion" of a new male partner .. Moms , like this, handle this situation badly by "splitting" herself in two and running back and forth between the guy and her bratty, bloated kids. A "tug-of-war" developes where Mom is the prize. Everyone gets crazy and the guy gets to be the "bad guy" in times of difficulty..
A man entering this type of relationship is destined for a journey of bickering and endless power struggles with the kids.
Moms like this are just needy children who are emotional dependent on their own children... These women call this drama, " a close family".

2. In times of conflict, Mom runs to the santuary of her children. She hides in that relationship and resumes the pandering of the kids to ensure their closeness and loyalty. The guy is pushed out of the picture until he " makes it right" again. Women like this have no mature problem solving skills and resort to cold withdrawal and sulking because they always have their kids to be their comfort.

3. A man in this situation is not allowed to be manly without severe consequences. Speaking up for yourself is verboten because it violates their family rules of "all things fluffy and nice ". These women live in a fog of artificial and flimsy niceness. Problems are never dealt with , they are projected onto the guy - female blameshifting at it's worst..

4. These women want a ROMANCE with a man , not a relationship. They see life with a guy as one long date and it is HIS job to do all the courting and chasing. She just wants the fun and benefits without any real effort, cost or involvement.

This is are my precise experiences from my past 14 years..

 

[jophil28]

I have ben married ( briefly) to a woman who had two young teens from her first marriage. I had had several LTRs with "women with kids" and her are my experiences and conclusions (and warnings )

1. Women who have been divorced for more that a year or so develop, and encourage a clingy dependent relationship with their children. They recruit their kids to be Mom's comforter and confidante. She removes discipline from her parenting to provide a cushy lifestyle for the kids, hoping that the kids will "be there " for Mom FOREVER just in case her next relationship with a guy goes south. The kids grow up with BIG ideas abouth their own importance and resent the "intrusion" of a male partner .. Moms , like this, handle this situation badly by "splitting" herself in two and running back and forth between the guy and her bratty, bloated kids. A "tug-of-war" developes where Mom is the prize. Everyone gets crazy and the guy gets to be the "bad guy" in times of difficulty..
A man entering this type of relationship is destined for a journey of bickering and endless power struggles with the kids.
Moms like this are just needy children who are emotional dependent on their own children... They call this drama, " a close family".

2. In times of conflict, Mom runs to the santuary of her children. She hides in that relationship and resumes the pandering of the kids to ensure their closeness and loyalty. The guy is pushed out of the picture until he " makes lit right" again. Women like this have no mature problem solving skills and resort to cold withdrawal and sulking because their always have their kids to be their comfort.

3. A man in this situation is not allowed to be manly without these severe consequences. Speaking up for yourself is verboten because it violate their familt rules of "all things fluffy and nice ". These women live in a fog of artifial and flimsy niceness. Problems are never dealt with , they are projected onto the guy - female blameshifting at it's worst..

4. Thses women want a ROMANCE with a man , not a relationship. They see life with a guy as one long date and it is HIS job to do all the courting and chasing. She just wants the fun and benefits without any real effort,cost or involvement.

This is are my precise experiences from my past 14 years..

 

[WestCoaster]

Some good responses here. I'll chime in again. I'm not against dating women with kids or women who are divorced ... I do it regularly. I'm also more than a decade older than our poster here.

This has more to do with the time in his life, and trust me, that is more important than anything one will possibly know ... especially a woman. While I think Wyldfire provides a unique perspective here and I like her posts, men should really not be taking advice from women, just as single women really shouldn't be taking advice from men. The dynamics are too different. I know, Men's Health and Cosmopolitan magazine says to get opinions from the opposite sex. They're wrong.

Men know how to give advice to men, women to women. That's how it should be.

So my advice is to listen to the Rolling Stones: "Time is on my side."

It really is. This isn't about WHO you're dating or being in an LTR with as much as the TIME in your life. Women aren't wired like this. They're hitting panic buttons at age 20 and biological clocks are ringing loud and clear at 30. Men? They should be single throughout their 20's ... unless they happen to meet a Marylin Monroe clone who is a graduate from an elite cooking school.

Trust me Frank, now is the time to be focusing on these things:

1. Your career (maybe you already are)

2. Your fitness

3. Your brain power

4. Your adventureness ... travel a lot

5. Dating as many women as possible

In that order by the way.

Women will give you advice ... don't listen to it. Divorced men will give you advice, listen to them, and listen carefully. Parents and friends say you should be married ... in time, yes.

I dated divorcees with kids at your age, total waste of time for me. Waste of emotional energy. I thought women who'd been through stuff would be less of game-players. I've been wrong every time on that. If anything, they're more protective after being hurt, and many have game-playing/cheating down to a freaking science.

Trust me Frank, I'm not trying to be arrogant: But I'm right here. Date single, kidless women for awhile. Work on yourself, play the field, enjoy life. You have the rest of your life to settle down and go to Wal-Mart with your wife (who is getting fatter by the day) and screaming kids.

Enjoy sexy unattatched women while you can ... you have a small window in your life to do this. I didn't do enough of it, and hell yes I regret it.

 

[STR8UP]

Enjoy sexy unattatched women while you can ... you have a small window in your life to do this. I didn't do enough of it, and hell yes I regret it.

Same here.

I didn't get my head out of my ass until I found this site several years ago, now I'm having to make up for lost time from being involved in relationships with cheating ho's, psychopathic single moms, chicks who were on the clock (wanted to get MARRIED ASAP), you name it.

Guys in their 20's and even early 30's have NO idea the change that happens when you hit your early to mid 30's. If these 27-29 yr old guys could see how many women age 20 and up would be begging to fukk them in a few years they wouldn't even consider getting tied down with women with baggage.

 

[STR8UP]

Westcoaster...he said he has been dating women in the lower age range and is disappointed in them.

Yeaaaa.....cause older women are so much better than younger ones.

Same crap, more wrinkles.

 

[STR8UP]

For what it's worth, I have had decent luck with divorced women without kids. One I'm still in contact with today, pretty cool chick.

Chicks with kids....different story. There's a BIG difference between possible emotional baggage with divorcees (I haven't had much of a problem with this) and physical baggage of women with children. More hassle than it's worth 99% of the time.

 

[Wyldfire]

jophil...there are warning signs with women who behave in the ways you described. Yes, some are like that, but not all. Some warning signs to watch out for are when dating women with kids are:

1) If she seems unconcerned and shows no hesitancy about involving you in the lives of her children very early.

2) If she doesn't show any indication of valuing self-responsibility and respect for you.

3) If she doesn't seem to be concerned about making time for the two of you to be alone without her kids.

4) If she gives any indication that she does not expect her children to respect adults.

Those are the big one...but there are other hints. If the mother doesn't make a habit of trying to force a relationship with her children or is not pushy about you meeting them, then that is a very good sign. If she is a responsible person and it's high on her values list, then she has likely taught her kids the same. If she expects her children to respect adults, that's a good sign. As for dealing with kids (especially 10 and older) it's a good idea not to try to be a disciplinarian until you get to know them and they get to know you. If the mother doesn't intervene if her kids behave badly towards you...stop seeing her immediately...you'll have problems. If she does step in and makes it very clear that she won't tolerate her kids being rude or disrespectful to you...that's a good sign. My fiance had 4 children who I became very close to, so I have a lot of experience dealing with another man's children. It's essentially the same thing with another woman's kids. In the 13 years since I got divorced I have only allowed 3 men I've been involved with even meet my kids. One I probably would not have if he did not have a son. We'd do things together with all of our kids on weekends. The only one who ever got close enough to them to be in a position to discipline them was my fiance...and they loved him very much and respected him. They liked the other two men they met as well and I've never had any problems in that way. I have exceptionally good kids, though, and am very good with children of other people, so I may have had an easier time of it because of those things.

 

[Wyldfire]

You know what is a real shame...

Not enough of people who give advice here are being objective when someone asks for input.

Guys...not every man who posts here wants to date multiple women. Not every man considers it notch in his belt to "bang young chicks". If that's what you want to do...all the more power to you. However...when someone starts off a post saying they have done what you are doing and are not finding it satisfying to them because of what they are looking for...why are you advising them to do what they have just told you is not providing them any fulfillment?

He's already decided that he wants to stop dating much younger women and try his luck with women closer to his age and a bit older. He's asking for input and advice about dealing with ex husbands and potentially children. He's going to do what he wants to do...and it doesn't sound like he wants to keep on dating much younger women.

Wouldn't it be more helpful if you guys actually answered his questions and stopped telling him that he needs to do what you do and what you find fulfilling? I know you're trying to help...but all you're really doing is projecting your own desires onto him after he's made it quite clear he doesn't desire the same things you do.

 

[Mr.Positive]

You know what is a real shame...

Not enough of people who give advice here are being objective when someone asks for input.

Guys...not every man who posts here wants to date multiple women. Not every man considers it notch in his belt to "bang young chicks". If that's what you want to do...all the more power to you. However...when someone starts off a post saying they have done what you are doing and are not finding it satisfying to them because of what they are looking for...why are you advising them to do what they have just told you is not providing them any fulfillment?

He's already decided that he wants to stop dating much younger women and try his luck with women closer to his age and a bit older. He's asking for input and advice about dealing with ex husbands and potentially children. He's going to do what he wants to do...and it doesn't sound like he wants to keep on dating much younger women.

Wouldn't it be more helpful if you guys actually answered his questions and stopped telling him that he needs to do what you do and what you find fulfilling? I know you're trying to help...but all you're really doing is projecting your own desires onto him after he's made it quite clear he doesn't desire the same things you do.

Well said..

 

[WestCoaster]

Wyld, this is a man's site. Men aren't going over to women's sites to give advice. I don't dislike your advice, but men shouldn't be taking advice from women regarding dating and relationships.

Men should date a lot in their 20's until they're ready to settle down. Knowing that less than 1 percent of the American population practices this theory and we have a messed up divorce rate and messed up AFC men, there's a reason why I preach this.

I'm not going to the women's site to give advice -- besides, I'd be called a chauvenist in two seconds.

I know of what I speak. At 29, this guy is eyeballing the wrong women.

 

[Latinoman]

Is it me? Or don't you guys notice how many times men in their 20s complain about how hard is to find women in their 20s...while men like me in my upper 30s (and some even in their 40s) have NO PROBLEMS meeting very good women in the upper 20 range?

I think it is either a cop out (an AFC cop out at that) or simply the inability to find good women in their 20s. Fact is...the worst possible age group to get into a SERIOUS relationship (or any for that matter) is with women 35+. Too much baggage, divorce, etc.

Sure...many might look hot. That's fine. But that's NOT worth the effort.

In another words...if you have problems finding great women in the 27-32 year old range. The problem is not them. The problem is YOU.

 

[Latinoman]

You really should listen to Wydlfire. Her advice is spot on.

You're only 29. As we know, much older women who are financially secure love younger men. And younger guys don't much prefer older women, so that gives you quite a bit of choice here among them! So listen, kids don't matter. How many doesn't matter either. Hell, if she has 6 kids and you love her, I say great. It'd be awesome if you got serious... to live with and help raise that many kids for a woman you love. Your only other options are the younger girls without kids, I mean - hello - it's a no brainer. Why would you want your own kids anyway? Date older women who already have them. And I don't know why you are stopping at the 42 year olds either. The older, the more experienced, the better, I say. Go for the 50 and 60 year olds too. I'm sure you can be a hot commodity and have a great dating life.

LOL.

 

[Sinistar]

You're only 29. As we know, much older women who are financially secure love younger men. And younger guys don't much prefer older women, so that gives you quite a bit of choice here among them! So listen, kids don't matter. How many doesn't matter either. Hell, if she has 6 kids and you love her, I say great. It'd be awesome if you got serious... to live with and help raise that many kids for a woman you love. Your only other options are the younger girls without kids, I mean - hello - it's a no brainer. Why would you want your own kids anyway? Date older women who already have them. And I don't know why you are stopping at the 42 year olds either. The older, the more experienced, the better, I say. Go for the 50 and 60 year olds too. I'm sure you can be a hot commodity and have a great dating life.

...you were kidding right? Someone really liked the the blue pill.

 

[Latinoman]

Frank...

You are too young to focus on this issues. Read Westcoasters advice. Focus on those things. You won't regret it.

That's my advice.

 

[Flirt-o-rama]

I'm a bit younger than you and prefer to date under 32, so I don't meet divorcees romantically, but if I was interested in one, I would find out two things.

Why and how did they get divorced? Grew apart and split cordially? Great! Other person cheating/running for solvable problems/made the wrong choice of partner? Watch it. They cheated/bailed over something solvable/caused major problems/drama divorce? Run, don't walk.

Are they a good parent? Do they put their child first? Or do they put their genitals first? Someone who is not a good parent but is also not wise enough to refrain from having children lacks character and the ability to make good decisions. Not marriage material. A woman who guards her children well would not let you meet them untill both sets of parents have been met.

If you prefer someone a bit older, someone who had a cordial divorce and is a good parent may actually be a good choice. This would be a calm, mature person with good values and self discipline. The best predictor for someones future behaviour is their past behaviour.