Dealing with girlfriend's sexual history

[Mizzou-Rah]

A couple days ago my current girlfriend and I somehow got on the topic of each other's sexual history. We started talking about how many people we have had sex with, who we have had sex with, etc. Once my girlfriend got into more detail, I was kind of surprised (and turned off) by who she has had sex with. We go to a smaller university and hang around with the same people, and I was surprised to find out that a few people I know and hang out with are people she has had sex with. Also, she told me that she has had sex with 12 guys, which doesn't seem too bad, but the majority has been in the last two years. The worst part about it is that most of the 12 guys are people that I know. Now, after she told me all of this, I can't get the image out of my head of her getting nailed by a football player I know, or a friend of mine, or a fraternity brother, etc (all people she had sex with). My question is, once you find out about your girlfriend's past sexual history, how do you learn to cope with it?

 

[check_mate_kid_uk]

dont think too much of it, thta was in the past, aslong as she is not cheating on you now, then what does it matter, not a lot really, sure it might be disturbing but im guessing you don't know what the situation was like then, they could have been real close.

 

[NRM]

You should never have had the conversation in the first place. You should have had it in your mind that there was going to be nothing good to be learned out of that. And that no matter what answers she had, you would not have felt better.

She doesn't need to know who you had sex with or the time you nailed that one chick in an airport restroom. The truth is that neither of you have to know and neither of you want to know. I think Chris Rock said something about this, asking why you would want to know, since no matter what answer she gives you, it'll still be too much for you.

Now that it's already brought up and you can't do anything about it. You're going to just have to deal with it and try to stop imagining it. You're the man she's fucking now and that's just how it's gonna be. Can't cope with it, can't do anything about it, that's just it.

 

[entropy]

dump her

Your bothered for a reason. Let me rephrase that, in this case your bothered for a reason. 12 partners is a high number. I'm willing to bet, a majority of these were FB's and ONS. Leading me to beleive she was/is a *****. What's the difference if a girl sleeps around for money or validation?

Cry and harp all you want, the sexes are not equal. Women have more to lose in this game. They're more prone to catch std's, get impregnated and abandonded, etc. etc. Honestly, a show of hands......how many times have you been with a girl who has gotten emotionally attached to you quickly? Lets say all things being equal, women get attached faster than men (this doens't take into account afc's this is a generalization of attractive man and equally attractive woman).

Women guardians of genetic quality. Men guardians of genetic quanity.

See this only validates my other post (see father problems or whatever). If this girl was raised in a stable environment and taught her inherent self worth, she woudln't have been spreading her legs for validation to the abercrombie crowd.
A sexual relationship is not validation, many partners and ons are.
She should have spent her youth building character and values, instead of wasting it on fashion and f*cking to get ahead on the social ladder. It all falls apart after school anyway.

 

[JohnJones]

I'll chime in. 15 years ago I had that conversation and absolutely freaked me out -- all of a sudden my super-nice g/f seemed like the biggest ho in the world.

It took me years to get over it and not be pissed off or hurt or whatever (in the end, that really was the answer: whatever; it's not my thing and it's not good, but do I still like her and does it really affect me?)


I will never have that conversation again and when a girl starts it I tell her something about how I picked up a Kappa Delta at a bar one time, got her drawers down at the bar and then took her.... usually they stop asking and telling after that

 

[splinterkb]

Move yourself into the position when you get the picture of someone else ****ing her. Go **** her. Smile and do it all over again.
Problem solved.

 

[Ridingthelightning]

You don't learn to cope with anything, you just make your decision of how to live with it. I wouldn't date a girl that had been with anyone cause I'm a virgin and I don't want damaged goods. I didn't waste time over analyzing the situation, I pure and simply made my decision.
If you don't like the thought of her getting banged by some other guys that you know then just decide whether you want to put up with it or not.
I suggest giving this approach a try.

 

[Ridingthelightning]

I just reread my last post, forget everything i said.

Except maybe the thing about making your decision. Don't over analyze or over think the situation. Look at the facts, know how you feel, and then make your decision based on all those factors.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

You shouldn't forgo the past but you definitely shouldn't let it screw up your present by obsessing over it either. Here's something to consider; what if the tables were turned and YOU had the active past? Would you want or expect her to hold it against you? If you do, it may be best for you to break things off and find someone who's a bit more 'puritan.'

 

[IBrakeforShortSkirts]

Just my two cents...

Any female who hands out Sexual treats like candy is alot more likely to cheat on you when you have problems, if you leave for an extended period of time, so on, so forth. I don't think you should dump her, but just be weary and kind of expect it to happen, that way you wont be surprised if/when it does.

 

[DJ_Dork]

guys, there's nothing wrong about asking about the girl's sexual past. basically what he was trying to do was to see how much of a 'ho' this girl was. I do that too.. it all depends on how much the girl really feels for you..if she's hanging around you a lot and plays little games..and being open/honest with herself. I feel she is worth my time than a girl who has few partners, plays a sh!tload of games, and is close minded with her communication.

She seems like a blunt open minded honest person. I like that in a girl.. to have that girl for a change rather than put up with the mind-gaming b!tches out there is worth my time. Don't bring this sexual history subject up with her ever again.

 

[karusel]

Originally posted by JohnJones
I will never have that conversation again and when a girl starts it I tell her something about how I picked up a Kappa Delta at a bar one time, got her drawers down at the bar and then took her.... usually they stop asking and telling after that

Seconded! It simply cannot be stressed enough how important it is NOT to talk about sexual history. EVER. It does not concern you at all, you don't need to know and trust me, you don't want to know.

It is however very interesting that if you're have a crush on somebody, but are not yet dating, or she doesn't even know you exist, you have absolutely no problem knowing that she slept with your 2 brothers, your father, your classmates, the school basketball, baseball and football team along with the coaches. OK, so I exaggerated a tiny bit.

 

[jbbrain]

classic battle between

"How I ought to feel"


VS.


"The way I truly feel"


Deep down, you know you shouldnt dump this chcik based on her past. If youre looking for the reasons why, do a search: The reason are numerous and definitely outweigh the pros for dumping the chick because of her sexual past.

Ride the lightning is a proponent of the thought process "if you cant deal with it, dont deal with it. Dump her."

I'm kind of caught in between. I think, sooner or later, you will HAVE to accept a womans past for what it really is, remmeber that it is in the past (that you two didnt even know eachother), the whole double standard argument (can you accept that?) and even remind yourself that a womans past..well...it made her into the woman you care about today...cliche..but true.

The question is..knowing that this issue is with you and not necessarily with her (were talking about your ego here), is this the girl that is worth it enough for you to get over your issues?

Answer this, then act.

 

[JohnJones]

And jumping on jb's post, one way to say the hell with it is to recall that you are in college and there is little risk that this is your last relationship -- there are more women in your future so this doesn't need to iritate you. You can be done with it any time you want.

I agree though that it is difficult to hang around in an environment where you are meeting or already know all of them -- that is not a recipe for success.

I disagree that a lot of hooking up means that the girl is more likely to cheat on you: I know girls with few hookup partners who have cheated several times and I know girls who have large number of ONS who have never ever cheated, even on loser boyfriends. There is a vibe you can get from the woman that will tell you if she's a cheater or not

 

[jbbrain]

what Johnny (can we speak on such casual terms?) is saying about the whole "dont worry because youre not going to get married" is an approach I used to take on jealousy, whether in instances similar to this one, or other ones.

In a way, the thought process is cporrect..why waste your time worrying about all this shyt if youre NOT goign to marry this chcik, right?

But the I realizeed something. If YOU use this as your SOLE defense mechanism against your insecurities, youll never grow up. Moreover, you can simoply expect the same issues to occur during your next Relationhip, and then the next one, then the next ad infinitum.

You get my point. What happnes when you get to the point that you DO find the girl youd like to marry, but she happens to have a "healthy" sexual past?

Would you be ready to give her up, just because you were too lazy to get over your own damn ego years ago?

Deal with the issue NOW. Get over it before it either plagues every subsequent relationhip or because it simply doesnt allow you to ever "love" again..because youre not goign to marry her, right? Uh-Uh.

There is a gray area you know.

 

[JohnJones]

Spending my day copying off of jbbrain...

Just one question on the original post: does this get in the way of deciding whether you really like her/love her/ whatever? Meaning, is processing this a part of deciding whether you like her enough to get past this?

If that's the case, then I'd say review whether its an ego issue.

I can also say that about 12 in 2 years, while not a great number, is by no means the worst I've heard. It also takes a real man to have his ego in check enough to look at the former partners every day, which is what you've been doing already, so props to you.

 

[jbbrain]

yeah, seeing them everyday, knowing them..that would bother the hell out of me. I agree that if you get past this, this would be a good sign that you have very good control over yourself.

 

[Seeph]

I have been there.. me and this girl became good friends.. had a ONS and talked that night about our past after we had done the deed.. her # was 12 too.. in about 3 years though. Our relationship started to grow and we dated. It didnt bother me because I knew it was in the past and that she would be faithful to me.. we broke up when she moved away..

This is bothering you so you obviously you like the girl.. those thoughts of her with your friends wont ever leave you.. but they will get better if you decide to make it better. That was the past. This is now. What if it was you who had more partners then her? Just gotta deal with it man.

Good luck.

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Mizzou-Rah, your g/f is a hor and you are just the next pimp in line! Remember this!!!

Men neither respect nor love a hor, although many men try to artificially and unnaturally do so for some unexplainable reason such as 'loneliness'.

Here was a recent thread on what is a hor topic...

DJ Engetsu's thread...

 

[Hollowpoint]

well......I'm more worried about her fidelity to me and whether or not she is clean

but I agree, I would find it uncomfortable to be around other people who she did