CuddleJunkie's journal to awakening, or The Path of Degeneration leads to Perfection

[CuddleJunkie]

Prologue
This is exciting, my own personal journal in the house of the legendary DonJuans. May this open a new age of my fellow suave brothers sharing field reports, and tips about how to make it to the top of Desdinova's High Score List. Yes brothers, I'm not aiming for easy lays, I want to be THAT GUY in the memory of any woman I put my **** into.

Chapter I. CuddleJunkie remembers cuddles are not that awesome.

Do any of you remember the thread I made about a girl that made me promise to call her back as soon as I went back to town? Well, I went back to town.
Aaaah, the shame I have to share with you all. First date was fun as it can get, I like this girl, she's into philosophy as well, so conversation is interesting and easy. I went full professor mode, teasing her for liking french existentialists and being a lib, she was loving it. Back to my place, smoking weed in my room, easy conversation about our past, or rapport building if you wish.
Silence is suddenly made , she's looking into my eyes, I'm panicking inside, but somehow manage to lock in the eye-contact while making a smirk. A minute passes, and she giggles nervously, I know I'm ****ing this up. I remember LiveYourDream's advice about enjoying the tension. This saved my ass, a big thank you to you, m'lady.
"You know, I have a problem, I love the tension that occurs when two persons are in a situation like this. It makes me feel in the moment, present in my body, really here and now. You know what I mean?". Now, I don't know if this bull**** passed the test, but in my mind it made me appear as an experienced alpha male. And so, I went for the kiss. All good, make out and cuddling.

Now, my amigos, you will be proud of me. As she was lying in my chest, she says "You are really comfortable", to which I replied "I know, they always say that to me". She looks at me, and tells me that it sounds as if every day a different girl was in this situation with me. I just laugh. Alpha as fvck, to be honest. She lefts...and leaves her phone in my room. This girls and their tricks. I contact her by FaceBook (Rex, don't kill me), we agree to meet the next day in her place.

Chapter II. CuddleJunkie gets out of his dryspell, kind of.

I get to her place, and give her the phone. "Do you want something to drink?". Of course, I replied affirmatively. We go to her room, heavy make-out session that ends in her bed. Minutes later we're naked, me in top of her, and then I remember something. I left my wallet at home, no condoms. Ask her, she doesn't have. Fvck me, and fvck my fear of STD. I know you guys always talk about raw being awesome, but I'm too much of a pvssy. You can imagine the rest, brothers, this is not a pornographic relate. I left after some cuddling.

Next day I convince myself that I got out of her place too early, and remember something I read on some PUA forum about "next-day reassuring text" or whatever. So I sent a random text. 10 hours later I get a nice reply. I don't sweat it too much as a friend came to visit her that same day for 10 days, so whatever, but you can be sure as hell I want to nail that pvssy and not only the mouth. I will do my best, I promise.

Is this game over? Is this the start of oneitis? Is this just another plate to CuddleJunkie? Time will tell, I'm sure I will try to make another date in 2 days. Share your tips, bros!

 

[dustmuffin]

Prologue
This is exciting, my own personal journal in the house of the legendary DonJuans. May this open a new age of my fellow suave brothers sharing field reports, and tips about how to make it to the top of Desdinova's High Score List. Yes brothers, I'm not aiming for easy lays, I want to be THAT GUY in the memory of any woman I put my **** into.

Chapter I. CuddleJunkie remembers cuddles are not that awesome.

Do any of you remember the thread I made about a girl that made me promise to call her back as soon as I went back to town? Well, I went back to town.
Aaaah, the shame I have to share with you all. First date was fun as it can get, I like this girl, she's into philosophy as well, so conversation is interesting and easy. I went full professor mode, teasing her for liking french existentialists and being a lib, she was loving it. Back to my place, smoking weed in my room, easy conversation about our past, or rapport building if you wish.
Silence is suddenly made , she's looking into my eyes, I'm panicking inside, but somehow manage to lock in the eye-contact while making a smirk. A minute passes, and she giggles nervously, I know I'm ****ing this up. I remember LiveYourDream's advice about enjoying the tension. This saved my ass, a big thank you to you, m'lady.
"You know, I have a problem, I love the tension that occurs when two persons are in a situation like this. It makes me feel in the moment, present in my body, really here and now. You know what I mean?". Now, I don't know if this bull**** passed the test, but in my mind it made me appear as an experienced alpha male. And so, I went for the kiss. All good, make out and cuddling.

Now, my amigos, you will be proud of me. As she was lying in my chest, she says "You are really comfortable", to which I replied "I know, they always say that to me". She looks at me, and tells me that it sounds as if every day a different girl was in this situation with me. I just laugh. Alpha as fvck, to be honest. She lefts...and leaves her phone in my room. This girls and their tricks. I contact her by FaceBook (Rex, don't kill me), we agree to meet the next day in her place.

Chapter II. CuddleJunkie gets out of his dryspell, kind of.

I get to her place, and give her the phone. "Do you want something to drink?". Of course, I replied affirmatively. We go to her room, heavy make-out session that ends in her bed. Minutes later we're naked, me in top of her, and then I remember something. I left my wallet at home, no condoms. Ask her, she doesn't have. Fvck me, and fvck my fear of STD. I know you guys always talk about raw being awesome, but I'm too much of a pvssy. You can imagine the rest, brothers, this is not a pornographic relate. I left after some cuddling.

Next day I convince myself that I got out of her place too early, and remember something I read on some PUA forum about "next-day reassuring text" or whatever. So I sent a random text. 10 hours later I get a nice reply. I don't sweat it too much as a friend came to visit her that same day for 10 days, so whatever, but you can be sure as hell I want to nail that pvssy and not only the mouth. I will do my best, I promise.

Is this game over? Is this the start of oneitis? Is this just another plate to CuddleJunkie? Time will tell, I'm sure I will try to make another date in 2 days. Share your tips, bros!

Nice FR keep up the good work.

 

[fastlife]

May this open a new age of my fellow suave brothers sharing field reports, and tips about how to make it to the top of Desdinova's High Score List. Yes brothers, I'm not aiming for easy lays, I want to be THAT GUY in the memory of any woman I put my **** into.

I'd personally caution you against that goal; not that it's a terrible outcome, but it's not particularly useful or healthy. I've been there, bro--but I was also a raging narcissist. You're basically giving them the keys to your self-perception and your ability to achieve the desired outcome. You've already surrendered your mental point-of-origin.

I don't know if I'm at the top of any girl's high score list; I do know they always come back. Yeah, it used to be flattering, it used to be validating, but really by that point you should've (ideally) already moved on to something better. So what good is it to have some girl you don't even really care about pining over you? (Unless it's to end a dry spell from time to time). Honestly, it's a pain in the ass--these days I go blue pill AF and flood the girl with validation at the end so that she can move on and I retain as much social mobility as possible.

Additionally, once your ego gets involved (and trying to be the guy is really just ego-stroking and mental masturbation), it puts you at risk of having your ego attached to the outcome. I'll use an illustration: my BPDex. In the idealization phase I was a god--the God--no one else came close in her perception and it felt awesome. So awesome that I incorporated her perception of me into my self-concept. But what happens when all of the sudden you're split black and she's going back to some ex from back in the day whose a bit of a loser and you're suddenly the dirt beneath her feet? You see so many guys that can't move on from a break up because they feel de-validated--How could she choose him over me? It keeps you from moving on--and honestly as soon as you move on to something better you're probably retrospectively placed at the top of her high score list anyway.

So keep the focus on you and what you want for yourself. You can't let a girl determine your self-worth relative to other men; the need to achieve the top spot is tied to a narcissistic fantasy of unlimited power, when really it's not something you can control--you might be competing with some goofy, deadbeat dude whose a janitor in her hometown but was a hero back in high school and who she's spent the past 5 years investing with fantastical qualities he never possessed in real life. Really, the only thing that matters is how a girl makes your life better in the present moment. Who cares what she thinks about you? Focus on what she does and if she doesn't do what it takes to keep her place in your reality, why give her that type of feedback?

 

[yuppee]

wtf would anybody go on a date, especially to the woman's home and especially after a very fine earlier session and NOT have several condoms? sheesh. Is a couple of grams too heavy for you to carry around, or what?

 

[CuddleJunkie]

Nice FR keep up the good work.

Thanks dustmuffin! Yes, I have two objectives in mind, I should be able to isolate them over this week, and set a date for the weekend!

I'd personally caution you against that goal; not that it's a terrible outcome, but it's not particularly useful or healthy. I've been there, bro--but I was also a raging narcissist. You're basically giving them the keys to your self-perception and your ability to achieve the desired outcome. You've already surrendered your mental point-of-origin.

I don't know if I'm at the top of any girl's high score list; I do know they always come back. Yeah, it used to be flattering, it used to be validating, but really by that point you should've (ideally) already moved on to something better. So what good is it to have some girl you don't even really care about pining over you? (Unless it's to end a dry spell from time to time). Honestly, it's a pain in the ass--these days I go blue pill AF and flood the girl with validation at the end so that she can move on and I retain as much social mobility as possible.

Additionally, once your ego gets involved (and trying to be the guy is really just ego-stroking and mental masturbation), it puts you at risk of having your ego attached to the outcome. I'll use an illustration: my BPDex. In the idealization phase I was a god--the God--no one else came close in her perception and it felt awesome. So awesome that I incorporated her perception of me into my self-concept. But what happens when all of the sudden you're split black and she's going back to some ex from back in the day whose a bit of a loser and you're suddenly the dirt beneath her feet? You see so many guys that can't move on from a break up because they feel de-validated--How could she choose him over me? It keeps you from moving on--and honestly as soon as you move on to something better you're probably retrospectively placed at the top of her high score list anyway.

So keep the focus on you and what you want for yourself. You can't let a girl determine your self-worth relative to other men; the need to achieve the top spot is tied to a narcissistic fantasy of unlimited power, when really it's not something you can control--you might be competing with some goofy, deadbeat dude whose a janitor in her hometown but was a hero back in high school and who she's spent the past 5 years investing with fantastical qualities he never possessed in real life. Really, the only thing that matters is how a girl makes your life better in the present moment. Who cares what she thinks about you? Focus on what she does and if she doesn't do what it takes to keep her place in your reality, why give her that type of feedback?

You are absolutely right, and I appreciate this call to reality. I was trying to set a high energy vibe to the thread, so maybe I got carried away, lol. What I mean is that I want to become the best that I can at game, but I'm well aware of how quickly a woman loses his bonding capacity, so I won't get too attached to becoming their God. It should take some time to get a healthy balance, and I will surely make wrong steps in my journey, but that's why I'm doing it anyhow, to learn.

wtf would anybody go on a date, especially to the woman's home and especially after a very fine earlier session and NOT have several condoms? sheesh. Is a couple of grams too heavy for you to carry around, or what?

Yeah man, I'm a fvckin rookie lol. 4 months on a dryspell, and first real date in 6 years after a 5 years LTR. So I was nervous as **** and literally forgot my wallet on the table.

 

[fastlife]

@CuddleJunkie Got you. From what I've seen from your posts, you're on a good path and have a solid mindset and wanted to caution you against that potential pitfall. But if it's the type of belief that helps you get in state and motivated, and it's not subject to external feedback, then definitely no harm there. Just like when I meditate I tell myself, Everybody loves me. Every girl wants to sleep with me. Objectively, that's not true; but your subconscious mind doesn't make that distinction, and that belief enables me to act more boldly and keep an even keel in the face of rejection. On that note, you should be telling your subconscious, I'm already at the top of every girl's high score, which will enable you to act accordingly (but it should be a closed feedback loop that you provide the only affirmation for).

RE: forgetting a condom. A lot of guys here'll give you ****. We all like to pretend that we're James Bond and pull things off flawlessly every time. It might've been you subconsciously sabotaging yourself (always be on the look out for that) or it could've just been one of those random things that happen. Either way, you don't want to get caught up on it or judge yourself too harshly. Part of what's helped me with things like that is to learn to find the humor in those situations--because really it's pretty funny. When you start really getting out there and pushing your limits socially, there will be lots of things that happen that you can't account for or predict. I make a point of appreciating the absurd and taking ownership of everything--that's the type of thing I'd joke with my friends about or even work into convo with the next girl I meet.

 

[CuddleJunkie]

@CuddleJunkie It might've been you subconsciously sabotaging yourself (always be on the look out for that)

I thought about that when I left out her place, because when I went to her house thoughts like "I'm not having sex today, it is too soon, next date probably" would arise in my mind. It's crazy how our minds work.

And yes, I look at the funny side of things too, you can always have a laugh with friends later.

 

[CuddleJunkie]

Chapter III. CuddleJunkie doesn't find his balls at the café

My fellow DonJuans, I was going from the local library to my place, and seeing what a beautiful day it was, I decided to get some iced coffee to drink while walking. I get into the café, and what do I see? A perfect specimen of spanish beauty; I already have oneitis for this girl, as you can see. Anyhow, I remember KingOfPuss' thread about holding eye contact and I do so while I order my coffee. She holds it and instantly smiles. Makes my coffee, gives it to me and stays in front. I have to say something!

"Thank you, good bye", were my words.

Lol. Any tip to start a conversation with a waitress? I'm sure as hell going back to the place, but this time prepared.

And an update with the other girl. I think I told you, but a friend is visiting her so I can't nail her, yet. Anyhow, we met at the social site that we both go, and she kissed me as a goodbye, was overall flirty during the time, and made a plan about drinking my wine when her friend leaves. I would say I got the bang secured, but you never know!

 

[CuddleJunkie]

Chapter IV. CuddleJunkie takes a look at the beta abyss

I have a confession to make, I'm slowly falling into beta thinking. I got a regular plate, the hottest I've yet fvcked, and she's into philosophy, so conversation is always interesting. Anyhow, I find myself having beta thoughts about her. For example: she's leaving the country on summer (Erasmus is a blessing) and I find myself thinking "man, maybe we can still see each other from time to time". You know what I mean, my brothers? I instantly shut down such thoughts, but they keep arising from to time. Another example: I spent a whole night on a small bed feeling uncomfortable because she asked me to spend the night with her...My back was destroyed next morning, and even though I got a massage that is beta behaviour. My DonJuan friends...I can feel the pedestal building itself up.

I'm looking for more plates at the same time, but my main source of hotties is now neutralized by this one, as she hangs out in the same place (a language exchange place). I will study social circle game so I can use my cute friends as pivots, but this is new terrotory for me...it will take time, but I'm okay with the work it takes. Maybe this is the reason I have beta thoughts about the other girl: pvssy secured makes you lazy, and creates fear of going through a dry-spell.

Anyhow, I'm gaining so much knowledge about human nature walking this path I don't know why I didn't start earlier.

 

[Von]

Its normal to feel beta once in a while but you are on the good path of growth.

What is the difference between knowledge and wisdom?

''Knowledge is learning, Wisdom is doing''

Don't let your learning get in the way of practical use that would be my advice. Use it has a leverage to meet people, find plate, become exclusive with your current one... seems you might be getting there slowly but shy/uncomfortable about it

Just remember, you are who you are and you do things on your term... the best apply their wiswom

 

[CuddleJunkie]

Chapter V. CuddleJunkie's first awakening.

I have it. My girl can't get enough of me, always caring, cooking, making plans for the future, she hints at continuing our relationship after she moves back to her country. I have what you would call a "redpilled" relationship. And I have realized, this can't make me happy, and I have realized how this leads to stagnation in my grow proccess. My sight is more clear now, I can see the void, I feel the nihilism, and this is not where I'm meant to be. I must continue on pursuing my goals, much more clearer now than they were before, for this rest time in the warmness of a woman has give me plenty of time to analyze and decide. This is an old function of the female sex, that I rediscover now: they are capable of providing rest and warmness...only if you will keep on fighting after your short sleep.

I will explain myself more clearly. I was not catching oneitis after all, I was experiencing normal human emotions. These has been tremendously healing for me, and my soul, for I was broken. Now I'm stronger than ever before, because now I know I have the habilities to attract and keep a female partner, and this gives me rest and tranquility of mind. I know now that I can focus on my dreams, without fear of being alone, for even if I wasn't able of gainign a new partner, I would know that having one is not so awesome after all. It drains your time and energies, that you could be using on achieving your dreams... Women are a complement, never a goal, you should always remember this my DonJuan brothers. The female function is to provide care and support to the male, not to be worshipped. This is simple to say and hear, but difficult to understand. You have to commit to your rational insights into the nature of human life, and this is only achieved by insightful experience of it. Go out, put yourself to test, and after you win, or after you lose, analyze what happened and guard this new knowledge with all of your heart, for these insights are the ones that will make you a wise man, one capable of bringing light to it's brothers.

When the summer comes, I will commit to 2 months of retirement from the world. I need this time to deeply meditate about nihilism, and to try with all my forces to embrace it. I don't want to hurt this girl though, she has been a sweetie to me, I must think about a good way to put an end to the relationship. Any advice from you is welcomed as always.

 

[LiveYourDream]

I need this time to deeply meditate about nihilism, and to try with all my forces to embrace it.

What does that mean to you? What would it look like it in you and in your life? What changes would you need to make? Are these changes you truly feel aligned with or are they changes you think/believe you should align with, if so, why?

 

[CuddleJunkie]

What does that mean to you? What would it look like it in you and in your life? What changes would you need to make? Are these changes you truly feel aligned with or that are they changes you believe you should align with, if so, why?

This would mean ultimate freedom, and ultimate acceptance of the vacuity and temporality of all things, myself included. I would be truly free to make my own choices, unchained from any moral restrictions. This would mean that any system of values I decided to create, any goals that I decided to pursue, any decisions I made, would be my own, and thus I could not blame anybody but myself about my actions. This means no more bitterness aimed at women, at nu-males, at western society, at christianism. Ultimate acceptance and ultimate freedom come hand in hand.

What if I fail at this? Deep depression could arise, even suicide thoughts...probably a feracious re-converting to traditional catholicism, just trying to numb myself to the pain... for such is the experience those that have tried this before me have reported. If you emerge victorious...well, you have awakened.

Do I want this? No. I want to believe in the lie, but I know it is not possible anymore, this is me running away on a forward path...the only one that now I know is possible.

 

[LiveYourDream]

I am not clear about the elephant in the room, even though I looked up the definition. Help me understand please. What is nihilism to you?

What would nihilism look like in you and in your life, day to day, vs how you live it now? What changes in thoughts or behaviors would you need to make? Are these changes you truly feel aligned with or are they changes you think/believe you should align with, if so, why?

I really want to understand. Would you be willing to reply again and be super extra specific, with examples, so I can understand more clearly, please?

 

[CuddleJunkie]

I am not clear about the elephant in the room, even though I looked up the definition. Help me understand please. What is nihilism to you?

What would nihilism look like in you and in your life, day to day, vs how you live it now? What changes in thoughts or behaviors would you need to make? Are these changes you truly feel aligned with or are they changes you think/believe you should align with, if so, why?

I really want to understand. Would you reply again and be even more specific, please?

Well, it is deep and complex topic. Just consider our tiny existence in the world, but in a space sense, and in a time one. If you strecht this far enough, you could say we don't even exist, in the same way we think about the space between atoms as non-existant in an ordinary experience of the world. So man, the animal with the capacity to understand this, and a desire to always exist, has come with various solutions to bare with this. These are the various religious that exist, or existed, or will exist.

So I decided to get rid of them. But. Religions are part of humanity, if they exist is not because we invent them, but because the making of them are part of our nature. Without these lies we couldn't continue on living, for a short live full of pleasure is unbereable with the certainity of death. At least for some of us. So we prefer to die now, than to live a pleasurable life that will end knowing so.

So what happens, even if you renounce to religions? That you keep on believing on eternal existance, even if on a rational level you know that is a lie, you just don't think about it. This rejection to accept reality is the basis of various things that inhibit our true freedom of choice and of acting. For example: oneitis. You believe you will always be with your soul-mate, so you MUST keep on trying, you MUST never break the relationship up, you MUST...Can you see where I'm heading to?

I have a social commitment to attend. I will edit this tomorrow and complete the post.

 

[LiveYourDream]

Can you see where I'm heading to?

I have a social commitment to attend. I will edit this tomorrow and complete the post.

Not yet. I really want to. I'll look for more from you tomorrow.

 

[CuddleJunkie]

It's been a crazy week, I'm sorry for the delay.

So, clinging to conceptions of eternity leads to weakness. Believing that your relationship will be eternal because she is the ONE (oneitis) leads to weakness, believing that your life will be eternal if you behave in a certain way leads to weakness. So what can we do? Accept the finite nature of our lives, so we are free from this conceptions of eternity and absoluteness. This is nihilism, to accept that everything lacks meaning, eternity, absoluteness, ultimate reality...or whichever other concepts we want to apply to life. Of course, this goes against human nature, because we need this mechanism to keep on moving with our lives, thinking that they will never end. A great deal of people would commit suicide or live a full hedonist life if they would confront reality as it is. So this is why accepting nihilism is a difficult endeavor, and a dangerous one. But at the same time, I believe it can lead to real freedom, and to real power, if you are strong enough...If I am strong enough it is something I will see in due time.

 

[LiveYourDream]

I appreciate your pursuit of freedom. Freedom is one of my highest values. I appreciate your sharing. Be careful, as creating new declarations of thought, to me, is simply repackaging beliefs into new boxes for yourself. To me, true freedom is not found in boxes. True freedom is found in absolute truth (truth beyond words). Pursue knowing what is true, with all that you are, and freedom can be found there.

 

[CuddleJunkie]

Chapter VI. CuddleJunkie the closure provider

So I had to break-up the relationship I had, mainly because it was going to become a LDR, and it is a no-go.
Anyhow, this is the first time I do this and I feel like ****. I went gentleman mode, I think I provided some kind of closure...the thing is, she texted me, saying she didn't sleep and she wants to talk. So....I'm a little lost my friends. I know the best thing to do is to initiate NoContact, specially for her sake, I mean, explaining it to her that is the best thing to heal...But I feel like a complete jerk, and this girl was very sweet and caring.

To be honest, I feel nothing, I feel like **** but because I feel nothing, and that makes me feel like a heartless woman lol.

So after the venting, the question is. What do you guys do when you dump someone? Friends are not avalaible, a lot of them are finishing their last year of college, and the exams are very serious. Do you just suck it up?

 

[LiveYourDream]

I know it may be contrary to what is said here, but here goes...
You knew the break-up conversation was coming and knew what you wanted to say to some degree. She didn't have the same preparation. This isn't a woman you broke-up with to get away from because she was awful. She's moving and it's about LDR's or not. If she wants to meet one more time, I would be inclined to offer her the opportunity to say what she needs/wants for her own closure. You care about each other. There is no animosity.

The risk of course is that she will want to pursue a LDR and do what she can to say why. That can make the loss feel harder or be challenging not to accept.

If you are 100% certain, you will not do a LDR, which is smart, then you can let her know that if/when you agree to meet her, so she knows in advance. Let her know that you will meet with her to support her in the transition and closure, however you ask that she respect your request not push for a LDR. Let her know the decision was hard enough to make once and to please not push you to doing it again, as you are certain with your decision.

She may still wish to see you for closure or she may decline then. Under the circumstances of caring for her, allow it to end/transition as well as possible.

Lastly, @CuddleJunkie being a DJ does not mean becoming a cold, heartless, emotionless man. (I am not saying you are.) It means being a man who is centered regardless of his emotions. Don't cut yourself off from feeling. Stay connected to your heart. Stay connected to who you are. Don't become mechanical in who you are. That is not a path that will bring you true fulfillment. Stay connected with yourself. Disconnection will not serve you.