Coming off too strong?

[dosquito]

Hey DJ's,

Here's an updtae from me, dosquito. I had a oneitis that got me here. I have been NC for several months except that I just slipped up this week and sent a facebook message ><. Oh well, moving on...

Here are some updates in the last few months. Keep in mind that I live in an environment with a horrible sexual marketplace where 6's think they are 8's.:

HB6: met her at a friend's new years party. she was pretty into me and we were hanging out all night. Due to certain circumstances I did not make a move but there was plenty of sexual/playful kino. I thought my best option would be to get her number and hang out before break ended. But when I contacted the next day she said was probably going to be too busy in the next few days. Bummer.

HB6: Was flirting with her on a university sponsored trip over break. By the end she was asking ME to hang out when wer'e back in town...Now that we're back at school she flakes.

HB6.5: cute girl I met at a student club who remembered me from first year classes. She was saying al sorts of specific stuff in more than a friendly way so I added her on facebook...might invite her over for a movie this coming week

HB6: This girl has a long history of flaking on me. I think maybe I'm her ego's last defense or something and she contacts me to feeel better when she's lonely. I only keep up with it because we're from the same home town. Just lately she invited me over for a pancake breakfast some time.. wtf?

HB6.5: The latest girl I met at a party and had her hooked...We were making out upstairs and talking for a while, very flirtatious. She gave me some comment about "this is probably what you say to all the girls, etc"...I tease her a bit about what we're gonna end up doing tonight.. She's kinda drunk so I end up walking her back to her bike, get her #. We have texted quite a bit and made out at another party but now she's made two excuses when I was more suggestive about what I wanted (said point blank that meeting her at a party is not gonna do it for me. she said she was having a guest that night and couldn't leave her). Probably gonna have to cut her off depending on how she behaves this weekend. Last time we texted she wanted me to come to a party. I told her that I don't want to go out but she can come over if she wants to...but don't expect to here from me again if she doesn't come over. She said she wanted to come over but couldn't because of her guest.... Hmm....



Here's my problem...Sometimes I am flirting with girls whom I am simply not very interested in. Like, they would get the job done, but no long term potential.

A girl friend told me that I come across even as too smooth and confident like I have picked up hundreds of girls before, and it makes the girls uncomfortable??? But I know that can't be 100% true as I can be a kinda dorky guy...But mabye the way that I handle my nervousness when talking with new girls is such that it doesn't come across that way at all? But I feel like that's a kind of bull**** explanation...Who the **** is so confident and good looking that they can't get laid???

Regardless, it seems that once I've caught a girls' interest I can get high interest very quickly...but I'm bad at maintaining it somehow?

I just can't figure out if I've been incredibly unlucky or there is something about me that systematically turns away interested girls. At any given time it seems like I have a decent roster of potential girls to pursue, but they all fizzle out for one reason or another.

My other problem is that I am not always the smoothest guy, but when I'm doing it well it goes so good for me that it works to my detriment! apparently girls are very self conscious and it sometimes turns them away when I notice that I have their interest and confidently exploit this. I can be very clever/charming/etc, but believe me, not every girl thinks so!

I quote my girl friend: "You're just so smooth that it seems like you know exactly what you're doing and it's worked for you many times before. But you're so good at it that girls pick up on it and immediately think you're a player." (Keep in mind, I have ****ed one girl in my life! Late bloomer...)

Another thing I should mention is that I very rarely get an opportunity to meet an attractive girl, there are only so many girls I can even approach at my school

 

[cola]

What's your goal? Ltrs or lays?
If its ltrs tone down the sexuallity at first and ask more qualifying questions..

If its lays escalate more and try to bang that night. That chick you were making out with could have been banged that night ..

And furthermore; its truly a numbers game.
Keep doing what your doing but just make small tweaks..
Youll find what you want sooner than later

 

[dosquito]

It depends on the circumstance. Some girls I just wanna ****. Preferably I want a LTR...I have no problem taking it slow if I'm really into the girl.
Further, I think sometimes the girl can pick up that I am interested but not in something long term...and they "reject" me to spare themselves the pain because they think maybe they arent good enough...

I appreciate your advice wrt it being a numbers game. I think you'er right. I don't really have any anxiety about approcahing or meeting new girls (usually I'm just happy to see an attractive girl and find some excuse to talk to her) but it's just such a rare occurrence that I end up dwelling too much on each particular girl instead of spinning plates

 

[dosquito]

Could I get a DJ game-check here on french girl?

background: took two french classes with this girl. I saw her at french club last week and she was showing high interest, asking me about my life and remembering things she knew about me from class...I added her on facebook later that week and messaged her over the holiday.

Me: Salut ________ tu aimes les vacances?

Her: Oui c'est tres bon lol I've mainly been working on finishing my study abroad app

Me: (*Ahem*, I apologize for my lackluster French grammar)
Ooh, I see. You would like to study in paris in the autumn?
I've gotta run, 1230 lunch. Good luck on your app, and hopefully I'll see you at conversation this week


Her (two days later): I can't make it to french tomorrow but i might check out the int. food festival on saturday. let me know how the meeting goes tomorrow. and yes paris in the summer and autumn


Here's my thoughts:

I think she has showed pretty high interest here with her enthusiastic answers. I like the fact that she informed me 2 days later she wouldn't be comign to french club...that means she had me on her mind when she was thinking about coming to club.

I think I have played it kind of badly here so far. I would have tried to ask her out after club meeting last week but I had to leave early. So now I'm wondering how to recover this situation

Here's what I'm thinking:

"As it turns out, I won't be able to make it to conversation this week either. Regardless, you should come hang out some time. I'll put on some Godard...French films are way better, but you have to promise not to talk too much during the movie. I have focusing issues."

 

[TonyBaloney]

Give us an update dosquito. What happened?

 

[dosquito]

I sent her a message to that effect. She read it. I haven't heard back yet.

HB6 (from the university trip) sent me a facebook message apologizing for lack of contact, stating personal reasons and that she has been living off campus lately. I said don't apologize and let me know when you're on campus, no hard feelings but I don't consider people who ignore me to be my friends generally (I unfriended her after getting ignored on text and facebook for a week). No response from her and she hasn't tried to friend.

HB 6.5-7: petite little brunette. I chatted her up at two different parties now and she seemed interested. I called her out on ignoring my facebook request and she said she doesnt add guys she meets at parties...I said, oh really? Saw her today inbetween classes and stopped her to chat. I said now that I've met you outside of a party you have to add me . She smiled and laughed and said okay...No update yet. That was earlier today.

HB6 (blonde who I made out with twice): Is really insecure. And also an AW I think. I hadn't talked to her for a few days and she sent me a text asking what's up. I played it cool and asked how she's been, she said she was sick etc. Then that night I saw her out, looking...bad! In fact the timing was perfect. She came over right when i was gaming HB6.5-7 and had a stunned look on her face like a deer in headlights. I played it totally cool and introduced them, then introduced HB6 to some friends. She was really awkward and shy and my friends were like wtf...I think HB6's feelings were hurt and I haven't heard from her since. Then again, she has given off lots of red flags.

HB7: Very cute girl in one of my student groups. Two weeks ago we were talking about girls and I said I like french girls. She offered to set me up with her friend but then said she's "too shy" to do the introduction because it's too embarrassing. The next week as we were leaving our group I said "I didn't hear from ____, I was very upset." which she quickly said "sorry" then headed out afterwards as if she were in a hurry. Now this last week she apologized for leaving so soon. I made a few witty comments to her during our meeting that made her laugh, and as I was leaving I noticed she was sort've tracking me. I left and she came out a few seconds later, so I turned around and asked what direction she was headed. Unfortunately we were going separate ways, but I would love to get something started with her

HB6 (who offered to make pancakes): walked right past me today! I sent her a text calling her out and she joked that she has a problem with being attentive while walking. I said next time I see her I'm going to surprise her and she said "You suck"...always a good sign, but I don't think I'm interested in HB6

So, all in all, par for the course. Just as usual, I have several reasonable prospects, none of which will probably actually pan out. Lol. I think a huge problem is girls at my school tend to be either quite insecure or completely full of themselves. I don't have master DJ game (well, really, if I had the social status I think it would be easy -- that's all they really care about) to pick up some of the finest babes, but the ones I do attract tend to get kind of scared away because I don't put up with their bull**** like most guys and I'm actually clever. Because I am kind of a jerk in a teasing way they think that I am actually a jerk...maybe I need to show my sweet side a bit to soften them up? The funny thing is I am one of the nicest friendliest people on this campus, always say hi to people from my classes and see how they are doing. This tends to **** with their heads even more cuz they think "Why is he nice to everyone except me?" I think I have a lot going for me, but clearly I"m doing something wrong or consisntely getting unlucky, in addition to my bad environment. However overall I feel incredibly confident these days for some reason when it comes to approaching girls. I'll find any stupid excuse to strike up a conversation...because I realize now I have nothing to lose. My mentality is either make them admit that they are interested or stop wasting my time

 

[Mr. Bond]

It's hard to give advice on flirting in such small bits, but think about this for awhile.

I can't remember who said it, but they said something like "Women flirt. Men act."

You are flirting. You are "testing the waters" of their interest by hinting that you are interested. It's really not necessary. Let them wonder if you're interested. Instead of verbally expressing your interest (like saying "now you HAVE to add me" or "we're going to fvck" or whatever), simply ACT on your desire.

By that, I mean don't get so cutesy with your words. Simply ask them out. "I'm doing this fun activity. Join me. Be at at X place at X time." Rather than flirting with her hard and trying to find out if she likes you, go for the kiss.

Lastly, you're failing sh!t tests. "You say this to all the girls, don't you?" is a sh!t test. Come back with something ridiculous like "Yep, at least 100 of my girlfriends decided to get a tramp stamp of that phrase." (Just thought that one up, kinda proud of that one, lol)

 

[dosquito]

Thanks for your advice, which I esteem very highly, Mr. Bond.

I don't think I failed that **** test personally, I don't remember my exact response but I remember it wasn't an issue -- I just wanted to mention that it happens. I had no trouble with not bringing the girl home that night.

I appreciate your words on directness as well

 

[Mr. Bond]

No problem man. I used to do a lot of the same things. Good luck!

 

[Atom Smasher]

It's hard to give advice on flirting in such small bits, but think about this for awhile.

I can't remember who said it, but they said something like "Women flirt. Men act."

You are flirting. You are "testing the waters" of their interest by hinting that you are interested. It's really not necessary. Let them wonder if you're interested. Instead of verbally expressing your interest (like saying "now you HAVE to add me" or "we're going to fvck" or whatever), simply ACT on your desire.

By that, I mean don't get so cutesy with your words. Simply ask them out. "I'm doing this fun activity. Join me. Be at at X place at X time." Rather than flirting with her hard and trying to find out if she likes you, go for the kiss.

Lastly, you're failing sh!t tests. "You say this to all the girls, don't you?" is a sh!t test. Come back with something ridiculous like "Yep, at least 100 of my girlfriends decided to get a tramp stamp of that phrase." (Just thought that one up, kinda proud of that one, lol)

I agree. A little flirting is good but must be followed up by action. I really can't add anything to what Mr. Bond said.

 

[dosquito]

Hey players, I got an update for you that serves as a lesson on INDIFFERENCE.

HB6-6.5 (she was def looking 6.5 level last night), whom I made out with twice with, had been in contact. This is after she made an excuse to not come visit me at my place.

She invited me to go do something last night after an obligation she had. I said no, but you're welcome to come over. She accused me of avoiding going outside due to the weather, and IJ ust said "yep, I"m scared to go outside". She bluffed: "I'll see you in the Spring, then?" and I just said "Okay. Have a good winter"

She didn't quite give up and told me her plans for the night etc...Long story short, here's how it culminated:

She ended up at a party near my house and told me to come out. I told her I was watching a nerdy sci fi show (I was) and teased her that there's nothing about my house that magically transforms me into a bad person and that I would stay five feet away at all times (that last part is what took down her shields -- she said "okay, in that case...")

I figured she was probably toying around or attention whoring so I waited 20-30 mins while I watched tv then passed out...
Now here's where it gets interestnig!!

20 minutes later Im woken up by the sound of my phone ringing. I don't want to deal with it because I want to sleep so I ignore it...
THEN I HEAR MY DOOR BELL RINGING (red flag, implies possible craziness)
So I get myself up and go downstairs...When I open the door

THERE'S AN AFC WITH HER LOL. He walked her over from the party like a proper "nice guy" (literally how she described him when I said "why were you with some douche bag...she later admitted "that's so true..." when I said "nice guys can be douche bags too"). I invited her in and lashed out at her teasingly for inviting herself over etc and she said Ohhh I feel bad I should leave...

Long story short she left 3 hours later at 530 am

Lessons learned: 1) I had an absolutely iron frame
2) made my offer clear
3) the best way to learn the power of indifference is to actually be indifferent

 

[Mr. Bond]

YES! You get it! You're a quick learner. +Rep, and applause all around.

 

[dosquito]

Thanks Mr. Bond.

You said I played my cards right, in your reputation comment.

As a student of Statistics, that is high praise! For we must navigate an uncertain world.

I've been thinking of how to make my play with HB6.5. I think I have a pretty good read on her. We have just exchanged a few small talk texts since our last encounter. I think she is insecure and nervous about being slutty and that I might be a player / "using" her for sex. What concerns me is if she is that she might be seeking a relationship, which I'm pretty sure I'm not interested in with HB6.5. I think I may just approach that conversation and play it along the lines of not seeing us being compatible in that I don't like the frequency of her drinking/partying and don't see us as a good long term match while throwing in something about caring about her to some degree but that if she can't be happy without with whats going on now without any expectations of the future, then we should stop seeing each other. Basically just say Im not going to make up my mind until I want to, and if that's not cool with her she should leave.

Now the question: to play my line even harder and break her resolve (I practially know for a fact she's just sitting around her phone waiting for me to text her), or just play into her game a bit and let her hear what she wants to hear to feel less guilty about getting her brains fukked out?

 

[NewAndImproved]

She accused me of avoiding going outside due to the weather, and IJ ust said "yep, I"m scared to go outside". She bluffed: "I'll see you in the Spring, then?" and I just said "Okay. Have a good winter"

Gold man.

Just my style.

The interesting thing is that when a woman is indifferent toward you, it's the absolute worst position you can be in. Better a girl hate you than not care one way or another. That's the kiss of death. You can't come back from that. But when we flip it around and act indifferent towards them... women can't resist that.

 

[TonyBaloney]

Journal update please Dosquito

 

[dosquito]

I haven't heard from her! Pretty sure she's waiting until tomorrow or this weekend (when she's available) to find some excuse to chat me up. I'm not in a hurry

 

[Mr. Bond]

Thanks Mr. Bond.

You said I played my cards right, in your reputation comment.

As a student of Statistics, that is high praise! For we must navigate an uncertain world.

I've been thinking of how to make my play with HB6.5. I think I have a pretty good read on her. We have just exchanged a few small talk texts since our last encounter. I think she is insecure and nervous about being slutty and that I might be a player / "using" her for sex. What concerns me is if she is that she might be seeking a relationship, which I'm pretty sure I'm not interested in with HB6.5. I think I may just approach that conversation and play it along the lines of not seeing us being compatible in that I don't like the frequency of her drinking/partying and don't see us as a good long term match while throwing in something about caring about her to some degree but that if she can't be happy without with whats going on now without any expectations of the future, then we should stop seeing each other. Basically just say Im not going to make up my mind until I want to, and if that's not cool with her she should leave.

Now the question: to play my line even harder and break her resolve (I practially know for a fact she's just sitting around her phone waiting for me to text her), or just play into her game a bit and let her hear what she wants to hear to feel less guilty about getting her brains fukked out?

Good! I'm glad you get what I mean about "playing your cards." Gaming women is a lot like poker. There is a fair amount of chance involved. Sometimes, no matter how good a player is, he cannot win that hand. But the good players win MORE because they make the most of the hands they are dealt.

It seems you're feeling a bit of guilt about "taking advantage" of this girl. She is old enough to make her own decisions about who to get involved with and who she does not get involved with. You aren't forcing her to do anything. Therefore, go for what you want. If the situation doesn't work for her, she will remove herself from it. Also, you don't know what she really wants. You only know what she SAYS she wants. Lots of girls say they want relationships just so they don't seem slutty.

Again, I think it only hurts you to make your intentions known verbally with this girl. If you want to fvck her, fvck her. You can do this without having to tell her everything she wants to hear, too. You simply don't comment on the topic of how serious you want it to be. If she asks about that, give some more ridiculous answers. There's no need to tell her how you want it to be, and there's no need to lie to her, either.

 

[dosquito]

Mr. Bond we're on the exact same page, my man. Anything you wrote that it doesn't seem that I agreed with is just misunderstanding! She's the one who might feel insecure about being "used", not me! If anything I was used, lol. Actually since I met her one of the most things I have stressed in my frame is "feel free to leave at any time, if you're not interested"

 

[dosquito]

What's up, gang?

HB 6.5 was over last night. I was going to hold off on contacting her until a conversation with my friend that made me realize I was overthinking **** and didn't really need to create interest - it was already there. She was already in the mode where she was waiting for me to lead and take some initiative.

So long story short I'm out with my friend and send HB6.5 a text. She mentions that she's busy working on something and I encourage her to take a break later...
Eventually she ends up at my place. We're going at it for a bit and when I go down to take her pants off, last minute resistance. I ignore it and keep at it for a bit then get shot down on round 2.

"Alright, well I guess I've done everything I can do here, given some restrictions" and I roll over on my side as if preparing to fall asleep

*HB 6.5 absolutely shocked, lol* "So there's nothing else we can do if we're not having sex?" (she said something along those lines)

this naturally transitions into HB6.5 discussing how she doesnt want to feel like a bootycall because the last two times I have seen her now has only been for sex...
I tell HB6.5 that I understand and dont want her to feel that way, but that she shouldnt have any expectations otehr than just enjoying the time we spend, but I do make some sort of vague assurance that I'll at least keep some level of contact beyond requesting bootycalls.

Then I flipped it around and started chuckling. HB 6.5 says what's so funny... I say "You. You're funny. It's funny to watch you deny yourself what you want..."

HB 6.5 says "Don't flatter yourself! you're so full of it!"

I say "I hope I'm not full of it, because I'm being serious. I don't want any favors in this world. you're free to leave at any time if you're not interested"

Long story short she didn't leave until I had my way...

Seems that HB6.5 is getting attached quickly. I do feel kind of bad about it. I'm trying to design an ethical approach to this situation...

 

[dosquito]

I think I may have lost the smallset bit of cred with HB6.5 but it was good because I cleared some **** up. I sent her a text saying that while I would like to accomodate her feelings to some degree she shouldn't expect much more than hooking up and if that's going to be hurtful for her she should stay away. She sent me a text back saying she wanted to make sure I KNEW she didn't want anything serious lol. (I responded to this by jokingly apologizing and saying I felt an ethical duty to give a disclaimer, which she seemed pretty cool with because she basically ignored it then asked what I was doing that night). Sounds like serious chick logic and I doubt she's being 100% honest but I at least feel absolved of responsibility. Unfortunately I think I've lost much of the mystery to her of the idea that I might have a roster of chicks on call, lol...because she almost came over last night but I told her I was really tired, so it was obvious I had no visitors.

HBH6.5 (hispanic) I lived in the dorms with last year and happened to run into her twice the other day. Then she re-added me on facebook (I drop a lot of my facebook friends as time goes on) and then sent me a text when she realized we were included together in a group email! I teased her about something and told her she should come hang out some time. No reply

HBPancakes girl I'm about to go to breakfast with. This girl is ridiculous rofl. I can't tell if she's really shy or wants to make it clear that she isn't sexually attracted and just wants to be friendly because we come from the same town. Her friend was going to join us this morning, apparently, but no longer is. Too bad. Anyway I just expect to go catch up and get some food, but I'lll see if she makes any signals -- mostly for epistemological purposes, i'm not very interested in her.