Chuck FVCKING Norris!

[ER!C L!VE]

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

3. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

4. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

5. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

6. Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

7. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

8. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

9. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

10. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

11. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

12. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

13. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

14. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

15. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

16. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

17. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

18. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

19. In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

20. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

21. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

22. Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

23. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

24. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

25. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

26. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

27. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

28. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

29. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

30. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

 

[Scrumtulescence]

http://www.4q.cc/chuck/

That site is great. Shit like this is what makes the internet worthwhile.

Supposedly there are thousands on the site.

Here was my contribution:
"Chuck Norris date-raped Bill Bradsky."

Some other good ones:

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.


Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.


In 1959 Stephen Hawking became the first and only person to outsmart Chuck Norris. He learned his lesson.
:crackup:


If you try to kick Chuck Norris in the balls, his penis will roundhouse kick your foot.


Don't say anything bad about Chuck Norris if you're near a lake, river, pond or marsh; otherwise he will come up out of the water with his AK-47 already firing.


Chuck Norris won the Ironman Triathlon with a piano strapped to his back. Along the way he had sex with 59 women and one one man who was quote "*****ing about his wife drowning from an orgasm." When he was given the medal, Chuck explained that he was just moving his piano and didn't realize that there was actually a race.


Chuck Norris uses all seven letters in Scrabble... Every turn.


When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.


When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.


Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.


One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politley signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.
<---Now that's a Don Juan.


A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.


Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.


Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris


Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.


Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, "WWCND?"


Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.


Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris’ house is a Total Gym.
:crackup: One of my favorites.

 

[ER!C L!VE]

omg I'm in tears at work. My co-workers think I'm high.

 

[DJDamage]

Chuck Norris rules!

http://www.devilducky.com/media/27548/

 

[il_duce]

Wow that's some ****ing hilarious stuff!

Thanks for posting it:crackup:

 

[DJDanny]

how can something so ****ing retarded be so ****ing funny?:crackup:

 

[mroriginal]

:crackup: my favorite : Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

 

[Lost In Translation]

:crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup:

chuck norris is a legend

LIT

 

[splinterkb]

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father did.

 

[djbr]

Originally posted by JC Jerkson
"I need a girlfriend like a fish needs a bicycle." -Pook

:crackup: :crackup:

 

[NHY]

lol,funny stuff here!

I'm after submitting my own fact;

' Chuck norris once got stuck in the middle of the Indian Ocean after his ship sank. All he had to do to get home was to do a roundhouse kick on the Indian Ocean and this cleared a path for him to get home. the resulting wave is what we now konw as the Asian Tsumani of December 2004 '

Crude, I know it is but I don't care!

 

[ShizamDaMan]

Once Chuck Norris got drunk, and for fun he headbutt a freight train to pieces. Upon learning that the train was carrying food to starving children, he strapped the train to his back and ran it down the track. The train arrived 56 minutes early.

 

[ER!C L!VE]

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

 

[Shiftkey]

So who would win a fight if you put all three in a ring at once? Chuck Norris, Mr T or Vin Diesel?

 

[reyalp]

this sounds like bill braskey jokes man

"Bill Brasky is a son of a *****!"

"Bill Brasky is the father of every kid in this town!"

"Bill Brasky once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!"

"One time I was with Brasky in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Brasky goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Bill Brasky! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'Billbrasky' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'"

"He'd eat a homeless person if you dared him!"

"His poop is used as currency in Argentina."

"He sweats Gatorade"

"He once breast-fed a flamingo back to health."

"He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! .......And he hated irony!"

"I once saw him scissor kick Angela Landsbury."

"He sheds his skin once a year."

"He makes brooms somewhere in Georgia."

"He did 3 tours in 'Nam...... I was in Corpus Christi on business a month ago. I had this eight foot tall Asian waiter, which made me curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it's Ho Tran Brasky!"

"I once saw him eat a whole live chicken."

"His favorite movie is 'One on One' with Robby Benson."

"He sleeps eight hours a night! ........ well, he was pretty normal when it came to that."

"Bill Brasky was a two ton man-mountain who could palm a medicine ball!"

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally Brasky takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat there for a year and a half and sure enough someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Brasky yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found em!'"

"Bill Brasky had a four day heart attack...a day for each chamber. At the autopsy, they said his heart looked like a basketball filled with riccotta cheese."

"He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road."

"He taught me how to make love to a woman, and how to scold a child."

"They found $60 in change in his stomach."

"He did all the makeup on the 'Planet of the Apes' movie."

"He grew a 3rd arm and kept it in a vault."

"Brasky drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for 8 months straight. When he woke he rubbed his eyes and said, 'All in all, I prefer gin.'"

"They say Gene Roddenbery got the idea for Star Trek from listening to Brasky talk in his sleep."

"He date raped David Bowie."

"He once inhaled a seagull."

"The Pope told him it was ok to have a mistress."

"It was the sight of Brasky's naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane."

"He once had sex with a cigarette machine."

"He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident."

"He uses the Shroud of Turin as a golf towel."

"He once ate the Bible while water skiing."

"He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls."

"He sired a baseball team.. an orchestra if you count the bastards!"

"You know, he would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe!"

"He has dandruff the size of mice!"

"He jogged with a fridge on his back!"

"Bill Brasky was a 10 foot monster who slept with all our wives! And punched us all in the face! And we loved him for it!"

"His first name is Bill! ....... I'm drunk."

"He's a ten foot tall beastman who showers in vodka and feeds his baby shrimp scampi."

"He orchestrated the merger between Unicef and Smith & Wessen."

"He went public with his own buttocks and made $7 million."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky went hunting? Brasky decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machette. They all begged for their lives...except Fleagle."

"We once had a bachelor party for Brasky. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it."

"Brasky once hosted the Grammys and gave every award to Corey Hart."

"He has a toenail on the end of his penis."

"Brasky once got his wife pregnant and gave birth to a delicious 16 ounce steak. The after birth was sauteed mushrooms."

"Brasky's family crest is a picture of a baracudda eating Neil Armstrong."

"Brasky ranked 18th in the AP College Football Pool."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky was in a production of, 'The King & I?' On opening night, Brasky chloroforms the entire cast and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews."

"He breastfeeds John Madden."

"Brasky named the group Sha-Na-Na. They did NOT want to be called that."

"If you drop a phonograph needle on Brasky's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' 'Pet Sounds.'"

"They use Brasky's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee stadium."

"Brasky directed that commercial where the women play basketball in high heels."

"All the 'Yes' album covers are Brasky family photos."

"He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom."

"Did I ever tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive? He did it by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Brasky said it would've happened sometime."

"Brasky's semen can form into a liquid human - like the guy from 'Terminator 2'"

"Brasky still believes in Santa Claus, and he wants to put him in porno films."

"He thinks then iron man is gay."

"He framed Roger Rabbit."

"The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Brasky - except for the apple tree planting and not raping men."

"He gave a handjob to a manta ray."

 

[ShizamDaMan]

Originally posted by Shiftkey
So who would win a fight if you put all three in a ring at once? Chuck Norris, Mr T or Vin Diesel?

Trick question: Mr. T and Vin Diesel are Chuck Norris' left and right arms, respectively.

 

[Scrumtulescence]

Originally posted by ShizamDaMan
Trick question: Mr. T and Vin Diesel are Chuck Norris' left and right arms, respectively.

:crackup: :crackup:

 

[Brian20o2]

Once Chuck Norris got drunk, and for fun he headbutt a freight train to pieces. Upon learning that the train was carrying food to starving children, he strapped the train to his back and ran it down the track. The train arrived 56 minutes early.

Mr. T and Vin Diesel are Chuck Norris' left and right arms.

Chuck Norris rubbed his beard so hard that he wore off his own fingerprints. His smooth palm faces add the perfect amount of aero-dynamics for karate chops reaching tops speeds of 136mph.

Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.

Chuck Norris paints his house red by throwing new born babies against the walls.

You can never beat Chuck Norris, you only think you can...and while your thinking, you'll get a roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris is the only human in recorded history to ever actually walk on the ocean floor.

Chuck Norris' beard can read braille.

The drummer of Def Leppard only has one arm because Chuck Norris did not eat the other one too.

Chuck Norris is the reigning **** push-up champion of the world.

Ford, realizing their mistake, recently changed their slogan to, "Built Chuck Norris tough".

Chuck Norris converted to Islam. Upon his death he was sent to heaven and presented with 72 virgins. With a shake of his head and a stroke of his beard he said, "Been there, Done that."

:crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup:

 

[Gonzalo]

Dinosaurs tried to mess with Chuck Norris once...

Once.

 

[Keeper]

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.