Choose or Lose

[Señor Fingers]

Originally posted by [look]aRhino
...sometimes rejections can hurt. My first rejection in a year and a half. The girl didn't call me back after the first date, and the wierdest part was (i'm really good at reading body language) ALL signs pointed to go.

Any special tips to get over it? I really fell for this girl (as I haven't allowed myself to do since high school) and it hit me pretty hard.

We've all been there... more than once! The problem arises when we let our expectations get the best of us. Think about what it is that has you so worked up over a girl who you haven't slept with. You have built a perfect image of her in your mind and you are fixated by this. You feel like you blew the best opportunity that ever came your way, and you're dead wrong!

I used to get like this a lot when I was younger, but with age comes the sobering perspective...you get to see these perfect princesses 5-10 years later, realize that you've had much better and then you wonder why the hell you made yourself crazy over nothing.

BTW, just a hunch, but my guess is that she sensed your high expectations and it scared her off! So I guess my advice is to eliminate your high hopes and learn to enjoy yourself. If you find someone who is on that same wavelength, digs you completely, gives good lovin and earns your trust, then she is worth the investment of energy.

Of course I dont know either of you so I could be mistaken...did it ever occur to you to call her instead?

Originally posted by Oxide
Your lazy ass doesnt know how to clean the PM box, so im gonna post it here:

Hey hey hey!

How have you been my amigo!? What is the deal, you married, engaged, divorced? havent heard anything new in awhile from your ass.

It is summer and i've been clubbing way more than i needed to.

Hey, i found $120 last night, i think it's time to go to Spain, your offer to let me sleep on the couch is still up, right?

Sup Ox?

Naw, I haven't tied the knot just yet. There is no rush now that we are living together and I think its a good idea for us to get on each others nerves some more before we seal the deal. So far so good, though. We hardly ever fight and when we do, it gets resolved quickly. Communication is so important!

Anyways, you are always welcome in España, unfortunately, the couch is taken by one of my friends for the summer. Airfare is ridiculous this time of year anyway...the cheapest tickets are around $800. Your best bet is to wait till after Labor Day...cheaper fare and a free couch!

Holler!

PS- My PM box is clean now, thanks to your kind words of inspiration.

Originally posted by djbr
do you think that all the trouble that you had trying to win a woman's attention was necessary to reach the stage where you are now?

For me personally? Yes. Sometimes, you have to bang your head against the wall to realize its a dead end. I don't regret any of my experiences because they taught me the things I want and don't want in my life. Throughout my youth, I lived in jealousy of the natural players. I thought that having a different woman every weekend and enjoying pornoriffic threesomes was the pinnacle of achievement....until I achieved it myself. Once I got there, it wasn't nearly as enjoyable or fulfilling as I had hoped.

Yes it was fun and I would be lying if I said it didn't feel good at all...but I realized I was just wasting my time and energy for nothing more than a few kicks and bragging rights. Ultimately I enjoy sex a lot more with somebody I love and trust...it may sound crazy, but after over a year of being with my current lady, I feel like we have tapped into some kind of kinky tantra thing, cause it gets better every time!

To each his own I reckon. The trick is to discover what your "own" really is.

 

[[look]aRhino]

Originally posted by Señor Fingers
BTW, just a hunch, but my guess is that she sensed your high expectations and it scared her off! So I guess my advice is to eliminate your high hopes and learn to enjoy yourself. If you find someone who is on that same wavelength, digs you completely, gives good lovin and earns your trust, then she is worth the investment of energy.

Of course I dont know either of you so I could be mistaken...did it ever occur to you to call her instead?

Well, (granted, there is probably some of my ego speaking in here) you are mistaken. I think i fooled myself into falling for her AFTER the date, and during the date it was nothing out of the ordinary as I had done the same "meet, walk, makeout, leave" date with several girls recently.

And I called her. 3 times with 3 corresponding messages before I stopped.

Originally posted by Señor Fingers
For me personally? Yes. Sometimes, you have to bang your head against the wall to realize its a dead end. I don't regret any of my experiences because they taught me the things I want and don't want in my life. Throughout my youth, I lived in jealousy of the natural players. I thought that having a different woman every weekend and enjoying pornoriffic threesomes was the pinnacle of achievement....until I achieved it myself. Once I got there, it wasn't nearly as enjoyable or fulfilling as I had hoped.

Yes it was fun and I would be lying if I said it didn't feel good at all...but I realized I was just wasting my time and energy for nothing more than a few kicks and bragging rights. Ultimately I enjoy sex a lot more with somebody I love and trust...it may sound crazy, but after over a year of being with my current lady, I feel like we have tapped into some kind of kinky tantra thing, cause it gets better every time!

To each his own I reckon. The trick is to discover what your "own" really is.

Heh. Reading this has inspired a bit of mental masturbation in myself.

The road your advice sets out for us is the same one i've been following and I plan to follow for awhile. I just wonder if I'm following this road because its the right/proper road to follow, or because I took your and Pook's advice to heart a year ago.

Regardless, I'm walking that path and I'm fully satisfied with my self image, with my desire for improvement and my life attitude, and with my position in all of my social circles and relationships with others.

So, whether that path was mine originally or a medley of yours and Pooks is irrelevant. However, I see a lot of myself in the past you that you describe, and I see a lot of what I want to be in how you are now.

I want to thank you for your part in guiding me to a very self-fulfilling and complete life.

Rhino, Toronto

 

[lebRambo]

AWESOME post, Fingers!

I know what you mean about the latin women. I am from lebanon, and the lebanese women are some of the most touchy-feely in the world. I love that little triple kiss thing they do to everyone: one on the right cheek, one on the left cheek, and one on the right cheek again. I can't get enough of that!

 

[il_duce]

Wow, this post is solid gold.

Thanks Fingers! Don't stop posting, ok?

 

[jago25_98]

I would also love to travel... more, and brazil too (my flatmate is there as we speak on that world famous florinopolis beach). But there's the small problem of money.

Logistics.

And if I work I'll be stuck to limited holiday.

Looking for a way round this. And perhaps things to encourage confidence to help it too

Have considered doing a TEFL course but you must remember that to do that you're actually teaching language all day!

 

[Yagrash]

You sure spent a lot of time telling people how to get laid.

Too long, didn't read it. Can you summarize it for me, please?

 

[Visitant]

I had a question that went totally unanswered.

 

[Teen Spirit]

Originally posted by Yagrash
You sure spent a lot of time telling people how to get laid.

Too long, didn't read it. Can you summarize it for me, please?

FCUK OFF!!!

 

[Señor Fingers]

Originally posted by Yagrash
You sure spent a lot of time telling people how to get laid.

Too long, didn't read it. Can you summarize it for me, please?

LOL! You thought this post was long?
It's all good man...I was once diagnosed with ADD myself, so I can understand where you are coming from.

Here is the Rytalin's Digest version:

Live life on your terms. Don't choose women just on looks. Cultivate high standards by raising the quality of your life and living your dreams. This will build a strong internal validation so you are not so dependent on others to feel great about yourself. Decide what you want out of life and make a plan to achieve it.

Not nearly as moving as the original, but that's the gist of it.

PS- Getting laid as an objective is a fool's mission. Pvssy was made to come to you by consequence!

Originally posted by Visitant
I had a question that went totally unanswered.

Woops! Dunno how I missed this good question...

Originally posted by Visitant
I have been working on internal validation -but I can't sustain it. Believing or thinking that I don't need to appease others is one thing, but ultimately I don't see how it changes how one feels about themself. Did I overlook the answer to this as being a matter of action rather than thought, or was simply believing/affirming your own validity enough for you?

I know this might sound crazy, but sometimes beliefs are just not enough. To say "I believe" is an act of faith. You are implying that, while there is no factual evidence to support your claim, you are using your intuition to reach a conclusion. What I am talking about is truly KNOWING beyond a shadow of a doubt that you have something great to offer the world. This self-perception does not come from mental reminders or affirmations. It rises from accomplishments, reaching those milestones and really getting your life together on all levels.

Let's get one thing straight here...seeking validation in and of itself is not a bad thing. It's only natural to enjoy receiving praise. The problem arises when we rely on external validation to support our own weak self-image. You need a strong center because there will be dry spells when people won't be able to fill that hungry vacuum in your soul, and you will feel more lost than ever.

This center comes from balance and hard work. It is not something you achieve and then kick back and say "Okay, I am all balanced and self-validated now, so life is gonna be a breeze" It's a continuing struggle that doesn't end until your last breath.

I admit that there are times when I falter myself, and get sucked back into bad habits of thinking and being. The difference now is that I know this behavior for what it is , and though I get stressed and down on myself sometimes, I am able to wake myself with the knowledge that these are just passing emotions which have nothing to do with reality. I look at all I have accomplished in the past, the life I live now, and my visions for the future and I see that all is going according to plan. Sure there were a few detours on the way. But I've done many things that people said were impossible, and sometimes I manage to amaze myself with what I am capable of. From art, to music, writing and architecture, I have managed to make a living for myself doing things that I love.

Once you accomplish so many things, you start to see that we are all capable of being Renaissance men and women, and it raises your standards. The hot girl with the superficial attitude completely loses her power over your mind, and the dreamers of dreams are the ones that begin to call you like beacons in the night. You finally begin to see beauty in all its forms, and most importantly, you see it within yourself.

 

[Visceral]

There's a feedback loop between action and belief that exists within all of us: loserdom isn't just the product of negative-self image, but also of the reality that created and supports it.

What you do and how you see yourself perpetuate each other, strengthening each other every moment.

For the strong man, it's a never-ending ascent up peaks of achievment and pride.

For the weak man, it's a death spiral of negative self-image and loser lifestyle.

The challenge is breaking out of the death spiral, because it's a war that must be fought on two fronts, against your self and against the world that self created and feeds on.

Nature works on the principle that the strong get stronger and the weak get weaker; it's an uphill battle and it always will be.

This is why it's so important to be the kind of guy that enjoys battles, and even more so when they're uphill

 

[Bonhomme]

:rockon:

 

[Yagrash]

Originally posted by Señor Fingers
LOL! You thought this post was long?
It's all good man...I was once diagnosed with ADD myself, so I can understand where you are coming from.

Here is the Rytalin's Digest version:

Live life on your terms. Don't choose women just on looks. Cultivate high standards by raising the quality of your life and living your dreams. This will build a strong internal validation so you are not so dependent on others to feel great about yourself. Decide what you want out of life and make a plan to achieve it.

Not nearly as moving as the original, but that's the gist of it.

PS- Getting laid as an objective is a fool's mission. Pvssy was made to come to you by consequence!

Thanks.

1) No ADD, I'm just lazy and at the time of the post I was marginally intoxicated. Sorry to hear about your diagnosis.

2) In opposition to "cultivating high standards" as a means of internal validation, I know plenty of guys that bone ugly and/or dirty chicks just for the sake of boning (or drunken mistakes). Some of them are some of the more genuinely confident and secure males that I know. I, personally, like to find a girl who turns me on and who I can tolerate when I'm sober, and... you know... call her back and stuff.

3) I know getting laid is a fool's mission. If getting laid was my sole objective in life, I would probably have failed out of school by now, consumed (and passed out) a lot more alcohol than I'd like to think about, and my **** would probably be wilting/on fire.

I was using the phrase facetiously.

 

[Don Ronny]

Originally posted by Yagrash
In opposition to "cultivating high standards" as a means of internal validation, I know plenty of guys that bone ugly and/or dirty chicks just for the sake of boning (or drunken mistakes). Some of them are some of the more genuinely confident and secure males that I know. I, personally, like to find a girl who turns me on and who I can tolerate when I'm sober

Does anyone else find something terribly wrong with the above statement?

1. You should find better friends

2. You seriously need to lay off the sauce

 

[Yagrash]

Originally posted by Don Ronny
Does anyone else find something terribly wrong with the above statement?

1. You should find better friends

2. You seriously need to lay off the sauce

1) Their philosophy is essentially this (by the way, this isn't all my friends... my group of friends is pretty versatile): "Hey, sure beats the hell out of my hand!"

I have trouble disagreeing with that, although I must say that its not for me.

2) Why? I don't get in any trouble with the law, I'm making a 3.65 cumulative going into my senior year of college, and I'm holding down a steady girlfriend. If anything I think I need to drink more, I don't have enough problems.

 

[Bonhomme]

Forgot to mention

Thanks for the Spanish tips. I've copied & pasted them for future refence, but am a bit confused about the usage of Vamos de Golfos. The literal translation of that one is a bit tricky for my English-trained logical process, though my intuitive expectation of the literal translation would be more-or-less "let's go to where the party guys go." Sort of gender-equivalent to using the English expression "you guys" for a mixed gender group.

Nunca te acostarás sin saber una cosa más

Beautiful!

It's also good to teach someone something new every day, which you have certainly done here.

 

[izza]

Fingz, your posts are really inspirational, man. I wish more people on earth had such a positive attitude about life. Most people think following your dreams is rhetoric for movies and people that wanna sell something. Anyway, thanks for all the posts that have given me food for thought and a few laughs along my journey.

One question for you, (it's not very profound): I've heard a lot of people say that in romance and in meeting women it's good to be a mystery. What is your reaction when the HBs ask you questions? Some have said that it is good not to say too much about yourself. Do you believe that an element of mystery about yourself is an important part of love? Hey, thanks a lot man.

Izza

 

[Señor Fingers]

Originally posted by Visceral
This is why it's so important to be the kind of guy that enjoys battles, and even more so when they're uphill

Too true!

In my book, Man is just another word for warrior

Originally posted by Yagrash
"Hey, sure beats the hell out of my hand!"

Ahh, the college years. They go by so fast!

Originally posted by Bonhomme
a bit confused about the usage of Vamos de Golfos. The literal translation of that one is a bit tricky for my English-trained logical process, though my intuitive expectation of the literal translation would be more-or-less "let's go to where the party guys go." Sort of gender-equivalent to using the English expression "you guys" for a mixed gender group.

Sup Bon Homey!

You are correct in your assumption. When in the presence of ladies, you use "Golfos" so it comes off as an all-inclusive thing (sex not being your main objective) When you are with the fellas you use "Golfas" as in "Let's hit up the clubs and score some booty!" Funny how one little letter can change the context entirely. I love latin-based languages!

Originally posted by izza
I've heard a lot of people say that in romance and in meeting women it's good to be a mystery. What is your reaction when the HBs ask you questions? Some have said that it is good not to say too much about yourself. Do you believe that an element of mystery about yourself is an important part of love?

Women always ask the same damn questions, don't they? Usually they come in this order:

1. So what do you do for a living? (How much money do you make)

2. Where do you live? (Do you own property)

3. Got a girlfriend? (Please say no!)

Thinking back, I have often enjoyed giving them misleading answers...

1. So what do you do for a living?
- I am gainfully unemployed..... wanna buy me dinner?
- I strip, but my price is high so dont bother asking.
- Everything!...(look her up and down) well, almost!

2. Where do you live?
- I live with my mom. It's really not so bad, except when she hogs the covers.
- Homes are for suckers. Why rent or own when you can couch surf, right?
- I have this really great tin shack...nicest one in the whole shanty! You should come by some time. (pause) Are you a dog person or a rat person?

3. Got a girlfriend?
- Girls don't make good friends.
- I am over girls. Women are much more difficult, and rewarding to find.
- As in just one?

Over time, I discovered I could not force myself into this playful mode. My mysteries became wrapped in short answers followed by inquiries or compliments.

1. So what do you do for a living?
"I do too many things to keep track of, but if my trades boil down to one thing, I would say I am paid to travel and dream up crazy sh!t. What about you?" (Leaves her hanging and focuses the inquiry squarely on her)

2. Where do you live?
"I'm still trying to decide that...New York will always be my home, but I have also found it in Spain, Puerto Rico, Italy. So many cities, only one lifetime, you know? Say, what's your favorite place in the whole world?" (Still not a straight answer, and once again I am back to screening her to see if she is interesting.)

3. Got a girlfriend?
"You know, it's really difficult to find women who are down to earth and chill. That's what I like about you....you just seem comfortable in your own skin. It really is a breath of fresh air." (Note: They ALWAYS catch on to the fact that you haven't answered their question...I say make em sweat a little!)

Of course this is all fun when you start to get a repoire going, but what happens when you finally hook up and get to know each other? She's already seen Mr. Wiggly Worm and heard your best stories, so how much of a mystery can you really be?

Tons, my friend...tons.

The truth is, as the offspring of the dazzling mess we call existence we already have a natural connection to the infinite mystery within each and every one of us. Indeed, I think mankind's greatest downfall (and monumental accomplishment) was convincing himself that he was ordinary. We are all magical beings of astonishing possibilities, yet very few of us take the time to really know ourselves. Instead we play the roles written for us by society, family and friends, and then wonder why life seems so unfulfilling.

That's the beauty of becoming a student of life. By admitting how little you actually know and getting thirsty for wisdom and skill, you will actually start to surprise yourself. Through hard work, you will accomplish many things, at which point you will be given a choice. You can either brag about what you've done. Or you keep your mouth shut so people can only see the tip of the iceberg (which leaves them guessing at what's under the surface.) By keeping your whole agenda under wraps, you will naturally create an air of mystery about you. No need for tactics or strategies.

One day you will meet an incredible women who shares your interests with unbridled passion... you will want to share everything with her. If she is really worthy, then I say go for it. Be open, spill the beans, let her see you for who you are. Whatever you do, DO NOT give this gift to any random chick you just met. Women enjoy unwrapping the many layers of man. In fact, experience has taught me that if they ever really get to the prize, they will lose interest!

So how does one keep his mojo in a committed relationship? Does mystery always have to fade into the mundane?

HELL NO!!!

If the women you end up with is great enough to deserve you, then you will enjoy surprising her all the time. Life is a feast of so many flavors, that it would take a million lifespans to taste them all. If you never want her to lose the spark of wonder in her eyes, then you must be the one to take her hand and lead her to unflinchingly into the Unknown.

But most important of all....and really, take this to heart cause it's super important... no matter how committed they are, women need to know that you are a catch. They love it when their friends talk about how hot you are and it drives them INSANE to see other chicks really scoping you out. You will find some of your best sex sessions will come to you after your girl sees you getting hit on aggressively. Haha...seems we aint the only ones who enjoy marking our territory!

The point is that a woman should always know that she doesn't have ALL of your heart. This is the biggest mistake most guys make. They have no drive or passion in life, so they pour it into a pretty face and a nice body, thinking it will make them happy. And it never does!

Having your own life, your own friends and building your dreams every day, will make you all the mystery she'll ever need, IMHO.

 

[D!ck Ramsey]

This thread was exactly what I needed to read. Been in a bit of a negative rut lately, losing faith in womankind. But now I see I just been goin about it all wrong. I am not living the life I want right now, but that's all going to change.

Thanks for the post man...really hit home.

Regards,

The D!ck

PS - If you are not writing professionally, then you should really consider it.

 

[Visitant]

Thanks for the response Señor Fingers.

 

[Bonhomme]

Sup Bon Homey!

Lots. Señor Fingz, lots! New business is finally taking off, getting out and about, juggling a few good prospects of the female type while keeping my eyes open for others, working out, drumming, getting back into fishing with mad results, checking out the many festivals we have happening here, and moving to new new digs... to list a few things...

Cool to see how the old country's treating you. I really must squirrel away some $ and get on over there. You can bet I'll let you know when that happens!

Good to see ya back here! ^5