Challenging the Ex - Analyze This

[kinjo]

Look at it this way," I have absolutely EVERYTHING to gain"

If she rejects me,
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yes, it MAY sets myself back months to recover. BUT isn't this a great time where that pain I received for months redirected to power? Out of pain comes strength? Is that not true? Because of this pain, I've found this forum and LEARN.

Now, what else I'll get to learn if MORE pain is coming my way? The strongest oak tree, is the one that stand out alone in the rain, heat and storms, day and night. Not a tree in an protected preservation. Can you see the truth here?

This oneitis, is a form of fear, fear of rejection, fear of not being loved. If I just Move on, I figure it out, I would never be able to overcome this. A story of my friend find this to be true... he is married now, and he did move on with his life over his oneitis... but everytime he thinks of her, he felt deep regrets that he'd let her go. He said," I wish I did put a good fight for it, even if I loose, I don't have to drag this INACTION for YEARS with no solid solution!".

What about my self respect? If I do this I wont lose my self respect. No, I'm doing what my heart desires, not denying it. I'll respect myself for going for what I believe in. I have 2 oneitis in my past, and now, I'm TOTALY over them, I have no fear of them whatsoever. If they called me, I greeted them like a long lost friends. That's it, nothing more, nothing less. Why? I was an AFC that give my all to win them back and failed. It is really over, I never drag it or regret it. I've done the best of my knowledge at that time. They're OUT of my life.

By doing this, I respect myself since I face what I was afraid of. I put down my ego for something wiser, and while I crash and burn if I have to, I'll get to fly and experience the sensation of burning and learn cope with it! This is also living well. This is mastery of life. mastery of obstacle, control over ego, humility...

I did corrupted her. If she fvck up sometime in the future, an initiation and parts of it is my fault. I will not be a responsible and moral person if I just walk away just like that, even when she request it. I have to put a good fight first. I was not being a man for her, and couldnt blame her for leaving me just because she is a natural woman. Nobody is perfect, you just have to accept 'em as they are, thats why you fall in love to 'em in the first place, isn't it?

Now, I'll give her a chance... I will become the MAN that I haven't, but in the progress of it, if she still cannot see it even it is offered in front of her, then I am a free man. Somebody deserve me better than her, time will tell, my options is always are open. I've nothing to lose but lots chances to grow out of misery that life put in my path.

If she did EARN me back..
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It will strengthern the relationship. I haven't really figure this one out yet. For the moment, it just will come naturally in harmony for above reasons.

So you see guys, I do take this in my own way to MOVE ON, I don't even have plans yet or entertain myself yet of what to do if that happens.

What I also have to say here, I'm an asian that has studied in a western world. I tried to combine the east and west ways of thinking...

What the west mindset I found very valuable here in this forum is revolve in being A Man. This one is excellent stuff. The greatest man image came from the western world. You have great bodies, courage, intellect, etc etc... Look at hollywood, some of em represent this manhood. Divorce rate: high and climbing... you easily NEXT a person.

The eastern mindset revolve around persistence, kaizen (never ending improvement), harmony, honor, and humility. (look at the japanese and chinese culture) We have arts, lao tze, sun tzu, buddha, etc etc... Divorce rate: very low, but climbing because of globalization. Why low? >> strict values, religions, culture, and persistency.

And I cannot apply a 100% of western philosophy to an eastern culture. I have to mix and stir. Finding the right combination for the lock is patience. Another virtue that asians has mastered for over thousands of years in their arts.

99% failure probability on this is expected.
I do not fear defeat, I welcome it, I study it, I grow from it, I expect it, for without it, I am nothing and will always be.

Only 1% of the whole human in the world has achieve greatness, wisdom, peace, whatever. Now this is a challenge, if the great people defy the world in pursuit of what they believe in, why cannot I? At least, I've tried and give my best. If I failed, I GOT TO LAUGH AT MYSELF, and strengthen me, point out my mistakes, and learn from it. Rare...? You do not know what you can achieve unless you try.

So come what may, I will not retreat, and in everyway... I will not fail. Failure only happens when I accept it.

 

[myfriendblu]

Kinjo,
you sound bitter, angry and you have some serious control issues due to lack of self esteem and self worth.

I suggest you go get your hands on some books on psychology and behavior and self esteem management and read read read!!!! The info is out there, go get it.

 

[takfer1]

"Why? I was an AFC that give my all to win them back and failed. It is really over, I never drag it or regret it. I've done the best of my knowledge at that time. They're OUT of my life."

Dont you get it??? What your doing doesnt work!!! Thats what we are trying to tell you. You can sit there and rationalize all you want, but you have NO CHANCE of getting this girl back unless you just leave her the FCUK alone!!! Your saying all this crap about "I must try, if I fail, I will be a better person", etc. WRONG!!! What you must do is STOP TRYING!! Thats what drove her away in the first place, all of your AFC bs. Look, Im not going to lie to you, you basically have no shot of ever getting her back because of what you have done, so be a man and just move on. This is my last post to you because I can see that it doesnt matter what anyone says to you, your going to pursue her anyway...Good luck with that and I believe Zoloft or Prozac will work well for getting you out of the even worse depression you will be in when it ends in you doing something even worse than you have already done.

 

[iqqi]

wow. this makes me feel so much better bout my own situation.

kinjo, it is obvious that you are intelligent. how is your self esteem? you KNOW you have control issues. i think i do too, it is my current introspective journey. i have been inspired to start a thread on it by this thread. it is hard to accept that you can not control the way another feels about you, or if they leave your life. and the more you feel and love the person, or want the person, the harder it is. this makes it feel like THEY are controlling YOU, making the situation even worse. in reality they are not controlling you (they probaly don't even give a sh!t), it is your own issues of control controlling you. YOU are negatively controlling YOU. you need to break this control. how? you ask. you ask this because you want maybe a different answer than the ones you've been given. i like player's the best:

You need to read that list but you need to act like you really don't care what a person does or whether they come or go out of your life...you have no control over that...come to that realization. You need to be like water...flowing and adapting. You can't control the hearts of people who come in and out of your life.

that was excellent player, you are intelligent, and i am so impressed! too bad you're so twisted


but even still, kinjo, i think you have more serious issues than just this. you don't seem to have even enough control to get control over yourself. and i really think you are delusional. i think maybe actually i am sure that something more drastic needs to occur. maybe you should move. straight up. put yourself in a new enviroment, and then maybe you'll be able to see clearer. this is drastic, but it's either that, or therapy.

focus on you. you need to be focused on right now. you are SCARING her. isn't that humiliating to know? get some pride!

look for my thread on control. contribute, and learn. and try to be objective if you do contribute to that thread. peace.

 

[kinjo]

Iggi, how am I scaring her? I didn't charge her like a raging bull.

I met her last night. And I kept a cool, confidence, relaxed, I don’t need you, I’m the prize attitude the whole night when I was with her.

When I first saw her last night, she looks tired.. and I suspect that she has been crying, when I asked her this, she persisted that she was not. She told me that for a few days she lack sleep since she were talking on the phone with her friend till very late (till about 3am)
Obviously a guy friend, but I didnt show her that I care, I didnt ask or press her to tell me more about it and I did actually dont care that much. It looks to me that she found an interesting emotional tampons. Good for her. Poor guy.

It was her birthday. And we went bowling first and dinner just the two of us. I had a girl friend of mine to call me in front of her during dinner, and act like she's chasing me. We set a date in front of her. That seemed to work for a while, she looks a bit upset and curious, asking me questions about it now and then but still I dont think that's enough for her to take any action to my direction yet. She is obviously not very interested, as she is not asking anything much about how am I doing. Generally, during the meeting, she is trying not to be rude and be polite. And I don't put any pressure or feel jealousy, or needy, I think I did it quite good, she notice this and note that to me, even though I told her that I’m still the old kinjo.

I casually told her that I'm happy that I'm now started to take charge of my life, that I took 40 days 40 nights challenge, this is my 15th day (she once accused me of using her for my desires) and when I accomplish this, I'll quit smoking for good. When I told her this, she is resenting me, almost upset, and angry, a bit strange and odd reaction don’t you think? (why she bother anyway? it is my decision?) Maybe she's upset that I didnt do this early on in relationship with her. Maybe I took away some of her reason to see me as unworthy for her. I really don't care that much.

The whole time, I acted that nothing bothers me, I dont try to win her back. Just enjoying the night and put on my best attitude, tantalizing her, like she's nobody important in my life. My whole purpose in meeting her is to neutralize neg. feelings towards me. I think I accomplished 70% of that. I was not very talkative or humorous however.. this is a bad point for me.

We were uncomfortable at first meeting on bowling, but gradually we established connection during dinner. I even show that now I felt lucky that we broke up, that I got to learn from my mistake. When I asked her how she felt about it, did she felt relieved, she just say, "I'm fine with it." a bit odd the way she said it, like she's lying or something. What I see however, that I bored her before and no challenge for her now. I think she also has resentment for my control issue. You guys are right about it.

She also volunteer info that she has no interest to pursue relationship with any other guy now, hinted me that she has stress as she develop an appetite for food. (she eat more when she’s stressed) Out of nowhere she asked about if I told my family about our break ups and I say sure, long time ago. She pressed me for more info about how they reacted, and I first told her jokingly that they are EXCITED that we did, she pressed me more and I say,” why.. it’s none of your business.”

I did a first attempt to do falling in love pattern to her (I overnight Ross Jeffries SS), she did react positively… not sure how positive. But we did feel more comfortable with each other and feel more connected.

She’s a user. She tried to bait me to do things for her that I used to, and that doesn’t work anymore with me and she’s not very happy about it. I can see from her BL. I also didn’t set any date or signs or plans that I’ll be looking forward to see her for anything. At the end of the night, as I drop her at her place, I gave her a music CD that I burned the other night for her birthday present. She thank me and then sort of waiting… not sure for what, I didn’t care… I think I was in sleepy mode hehehehhe…

Iggi, where’s the link to your thread about control…?

 

[iqqi]

Originally posted by kinjo
Iggi, where’s the link to your thread about control…?

right here

 

[mongoose]

Kinjo I've been reading your posts too. I'm going thru the same thing right now. I know how you feel and being the dumpee or whatever does not feel good. Everyone here is giving you really good advice.

You have to let go eventually. Some of your post are coming off kind of creepy. I hope your not stalking her or something like that. That control thing is a monster too, I sort of suffer from that. I'm gonna go see a therapist though. Your persistence is coming off like your obsessed with her. You gotta break that train of thought man. What are your plans next with this girl?

 

[kinjo]

...not stalking her man... not my games...
All I did is to try to nautralize neg. feelings first...

I have to make up my mind about this western and eastern dating games and how different they are.

I'm cutting all contacts again... trying to get a life... ((

 

[mongoose]

Don't worry man, i know how you feel. Being the dumpee is not cool, nor does it feel good. It's almost (in my case) a feeling of helplessness, lack of energy, motivation to do ****. I'm starting to feel better just from reading this website. I don't have any problems meeting women, but I might just do the DJ Bootcamp to get my sh!t together. Might as well try to get some puzzy that I've been missing out on. Plus different girls got different sh!t going on that's fun to explore. Different girls are in on the know of different stuff that might help out my life (contacts). You never know.

love is a bytch.

 

[iqqi]

Originally posted by mongoose
Some of your post are coming off kind of creepy. I hope your not stalking her or something like that.

Your persistence is coming off like your obsessed with her. You gotta break that train of thought man.

kind of creepykind of creepykind of creepykind of creepykind of creepykind of creepykind of creepykind of creepy

THIS is what i meant by scaring her.

 

[kinjo]

Look what the cat drag in HERE

 

[TesuqueRed]

Originally posted by kinjo
Look what the cat drag in HERE

Kinjo--yes, the Chosen made a classic, exceptional post here (I remember reading it when it came out, even.) But I think most would agree that you don't quite have the control, detachment or skills just yet to pull this off. You're putting together much of it, though, but--I suspect--you're still using this to justify and coverup an ongoing one-itis for her.

Try it, if you want, it will be a useful experience, but I'd consider permanently deleting her from your life. That can't really be done easily, but--in effect--she'll see to it since she is in the process of making it clear that she no longer wants or needs you and will spend her life with someone else. She's taking a messy way of coming to that conclusion herself. Harsh, I know--but the earlier you get to that and act like you understand it (by deleting her from your life) the further ahead you will be.

 

[squirrels]

Originally posted by TesuqueRed
Kinjo--yes, the Chosen made a classic, exceptional post here (I remember reading it when it came out, even.) But I think most would agree that you don't quite have the control, detachment or skills just yet to pull this off. You're putting together much of it, though, but--I suspect--you're still using this to justify and coverup an ongoing one-itis for her.

It's strange how some people ignore everything on this site except that which tells them exactly what they want to hear.

Kinjo, you are NOT ready for any kind of "confident persistence" tactics or anything else. You said yourself that you are "trying to get a life." The whole idea behind the post you linked to is that you already HAVE a life and you are showing her this. For you to attempt to "win her back" at this point would be like trying to bake a cake with no f--king flour. You just don't have what it takes.

You cannot go back to her if you don't have your own house in order. Even if you try to fake it, she is going to see right through it.

Do me a favor, man...just go out and hook up with ten other women. You don't have to f--k them, just get a little touch/tongue or something. Do this and then see if you want to go back to this one girl you're so hung up on.

Even if you DO still want to go back, you'll at least understand that there ARE other women out there. I guarantee you ONE of those ten is going to have the kind of personality you're looking for, too.

If you want to be desired, be desirable. Get your own life together and find completion in yourself instead of other people. THEN start to think about baking that cake.

 

[kinjo]

Originally posted by TesuqueRed
But I think most would agree that you don't quite have the control, detachment or skills just yet to pull this off. You're putting together much of it, though, but--I suspect--you're still using this to justify and coverup an ongoing one-itis for her.

Try it, if you want, it will be a useful experience, but I'd consider permanently deleting her from your life.

I'm not saying I'm ready for it either... at least I've got at least a month of no contact with her (by then help God I'm over her) Maybe I just use this as a fuel to keep me off her and start thinking of getting other chicks. The problem is I haven't see other chicks as pretty and cute as she is now. Damn it, I wish I'm still in uni where's there's loads of it.

Originally posted by TesuqueRed That can't really be done easily, but--in effect--she'll see to it since she is in the process of making it clear that she no longer wants or needs you and will spend her life with someone else.

Yea, I notice a very low interest from her, especially she said when she's tired, I also read a post about that ********. (I found out later she's having a phone convo till 3.20am that night)

Originally posted by TesuqueRed
She's taking a messy way of coming to that conclusion herself. Harsh, I know--but the earlier you get to that and act like you understand it (by deleting her from your life) the further ahead you will be.

Pardon my English TesuqueRed, I don't quite get what you mean there about "She's taking a messy way of coming to that conclusion herself."

 

[kinjo]

Originally posted by squirrels
You cannot go back to her if you don't have your own house in order. Even if you try to fake it, she is going to see right through it.

Do me a favor, man...just go out and hook up with ten other women. You don't have to f--k them, just get a little touch/tongue or something. Do this and then see if you want to go back to this one girl you're so hung up on.

Even if you DO still want to go back, you'll at least understand that there ARE other women out there. I guarantee you ONE of those ten is going to have the kind of personality you're looking for, too.

If you want to be desired, be desirable. Get your own life together and find completion in yourself instead of other people. THEN start to think about baking that cake.

I do I do I do wanna get out of this man... the rapids is still too strong and I'm still struggling to swim out. I have 10 years of learned habits to break here. I'm trying to rewrite the programming..., still learning a new program here.

It still comes in waves man, for hours I was in a DJ mindset and I just suddenly don't give a damn even a bit, feeling excited confident and all (usually after hours of reading DJ Tips forum) but then the dark "thinking of her" mood sets in again. Like, I read the article about this ******** when she said she's tired, like a pang to me and my mood just gradually took a dive. Damn it. I started to think that I should lie to myself to feel good? Damn I'm delusional. Lucky that I learned from this forum and stay off her, if not I'll still be all over her like gungho!

I'm going out to a mall right now to get some reality, I definitely need a fresh air. Maybe continue with boot camp week 1 and 2 there.... usually get's me in a ****y confident mood.

 

[TesuqueRed]

Originally posted by kinjo
I'm not saying I'm ready for it either... at least I've got at least a month of no contact with her (by then help God I'm over her)

You can't be thinking a month or even six months would work for getting over her. Think in multiples of 2-3 years. The first 2-3 years you will not likely get over her. You will distract yourself, torture yourself, practice new behaviors, etc.--but you won't likely "get over her."

In 5 years you will still feel something for her. Even in 8. But you will probably have moved way, way beyond her at that point.[/B]

Pardon my English TesuqueRed, I don't quite get what you mean there about "She's taking a messy way of coming to that conclusion herself."

By this I mean that somewhere deep inside her she has come to a conclusion that you are not her LTR or STR partner anymore. Her behavior tells us this.

Yet her words and her actions are all over the place because her emotions are all over the place. It is messy. Yuo will see those SMS messages expressing sadness, delight, crying etc--all over you, and she'll say she cares and you were the first and more etc etc etc.

But the fact remains: she's moving on, she's auditioning other guys, she's going in new directions and will consider other guys for her next BF and possible husband/father-of-her-brats. You're not in that list (except in one of her emotional, messy flip-flops, but those don't count.)

The messiness is the emotionalism and flip-flopping she'll do even though the matter is essentially settled: it's over. She may strike out with other guys and try to temporarily hook up with you again (so she won't feel and look like a loser) until she can get a new crop of candidates lined up. She's come to that conclusion but--due to those emotional SMSs etc., she's not making a clean job of it.

The first couple of breakups are messy like this. Eventually you'll learn to recognize when it's over and just walk off the stage--it's the simplest and fastest way of getting onto whatever is next. Otherwise you can spend a lot of time making and cleaning up the mess.