can't get over this inadequacy issue.

[realsmoothie]

Hey guys, haven't been here in a while.

A little situation set off my brain in a funny direction today. This girl came into my work that comes in maybe once a week. We have great rapport, I'm pretty sure she's just sitting there wishing I'd ask her out. But every time we talk and I get the opportunity to just say "hey, would you come out for coffee sometime", I choke and kind of nervously chat about whatever comes to mind.

So I'm sitting here tonight trying to figure out just what it is that's keeping me from asking women out who are throwing IOI's at me like frisbees. It's total inadequacy issues. Deep down I'm scared of asking a girl out not really because I worry that she'll turn me down (mostly because of the IOI's) but because of what she'll find out about me if we go out for a while... i.e. that I'm too skinny, or don't have a lot of friends, or don't have enough money, or that I'm not where I "should be" professionally at this point in my life (I'm 34).

I realized that most of this is bogus, because most of the girls I'm talking to aren't exactly Sports Illustrated supermodels with degrees in Particle Physics. It's just this instant feeling of inadequacy, that I'm just generally not "good enough" to apply for this chick's pun-tang.

Now, obviously one solution for this is to improve myself. Go to the gym, get a better job, yadda yadda. The thing is, a good five or so years ago my life was WAY ****tier than it was now... things have improved greatly and I feel much better about myself as a "man" or "person" or whatever. However, this hasn't really translated to asking girls out. I just can't do it. It's not like I've turned into this all-star man recently or anything, but I'm certainly better off now and it still doesn't seem to help much.

Does anyone have any advice as to what I can do to combat this default inadequacy? Some kind of mental training, some way of tricking myself at the moment of asking someone out, ANYTHING? Even the most basic advice would be appreciated.

 

[TheBucketOfTruth]

Don't let your insecurities get the best of you. If a girl is giving you these signals, she's interested (despite whatever shortcomings you have in your head). Make the most of that. As a woman gets to know you better there can be just as many positive things she learns about you as negative ones. Just get out of this mindset; focus on the positive things about you rather than these real or imagined inadequacies.

 

[jophil28]

A little situation set off my brain in a funny direction today. This girl came into my work that comes in maybe once a week. We have great rapport, I'm pretty sure she's just sitting there wishing I'd ask her out. But every time we talk and I get the opportunity to just say "hey, would you come out for coffee sometime", I choke and kind of nervously chat about whatever comes to mind.

Does anyone have any advice as to what I can do to combat this default inadequacy?

Two things here.. Firstly, your invite words above about coffee are lame.
That's beta talk.The way you put it above sounds almost like pleading.
Design a better ( read, more dominant ) way of suggesting a gettogether with the object of your lust.

Next, get a wing who is good at approaching and number closing and take notes.

OH, almost forgot this gem, "Rejection is better than regret."

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

Now, obviously one solution for this is to improve myself.

That is the obvious, and most popular choice, but paradoxically it doesn't help much. Feelings of inadequacy are much deeper than any sort of self improvement you can do, because something else always pops up for you to feel inadequate about.

When you get rid of the feelings of inadequacy at their core, everything else will fall into place. One of the secrets of naturals is that they feel completely comfortable in their own skin, so money and physique lose there mythical importance.

A couple of things to try:

EFT. This one's free and they have a good forum for issues like this.

This hypnosis CD. It's thirty bucks, but after you listen every night before you fall asleep for about a month, you start to see things much differently.

 

[Warrior74]

Always remember, you came into this life a winner. You beat out millions of other sperm to make it here. You were born with what it takes to do what you need to do. Never forget that. Now make a list of every success you've had in life (even if its just in your head) and never forget those, they count for something. You can't compare your life to everyone elses because it's not like everyone elses. Your wins are yours alone, relish in them! Good luck!

 

[guru1000]

.. i.e. that I'm too skinny, or don't have a lot of friends, or don't have enough money, or that I'm not where I "should be" professionally at this point in my life (I'm 34).

Here is the real issue.

What steps have you taken to correct these deficiencies?

Have you started a bulking diet and work out regimen?

Have you taken a proactive approach towards developing social contacts?

Have you detailed your business strategy and taken aggressive steps toward your goals?

If you answered YES to all the questions above, now it it time to begin. It is not so much of correcting these deficiencies as it is in taking steps to correct them.

The best way to learn how to swim is to jump into the water. Don't test the waters to see how hot or cold it is, just jump in. Approach 10 women you find attractive every month, and close them. This is all about acclimation, not results. You don't build a physique or wealth overnight, neither will you be a DJ. Like everything else in life, you BUILD towards it.

Take these steps and remain focused on your goals, not women. Inside the next 12 months, you will see results with women as a byproduct of your focus, not your focus.

 

[bukowski_merit]

I'm too skinny, or don't have a lot of friends, or don't have enough money, or that I'm not where I "should be" professionally at this point in my life (I'm 34).

I'm 6'1... 170 lbs... very much ripped, but not too far from skinny (women don't know im ripped until my shirt is off - im often referred to as skinny)...
i have 3 friends... all of whom i've had since i was 13...
i make a little over 30k a year...
and don't care to be anywhere professionally at 28 (i write books and plan on someday cashing in on it - but for now - i work in a mailroom and basically write my books all day and get paid for it.)...

I RELATE to the fear you feel! but i do not let it stop me. Have i had women who i've grown with, who we connected on every level including sexually who have left me for what i feel is my lack of funds and friends/social status? sure.... but they aren't as common as these Social Status advocates would have convinced me it'd be... i don't care to be a woman's trophy anyway...

For every 1 girl who can't get over those facts - there' 3-4 who can look past it...

ASSUMING i do everything else right... and make no apologies for the way i live (the #1 thing you have to do is NEVER be embarassed!)... they must accept this early on in our relationship or i take it no further... if a woman has been with me for 6 months or so and suddenly starts into the whole "you should do more with your life" bs - she will not be hearing from me much after that =)

 

[Lioric]

I don't want to bash you with a checklist and ask whether you started action or not, since you seem to be in a fragile state of mind (it'll go away, hang on) but since you brought up "particle physics" that reminded of a wise quote from Murray Gell-Mann that went something like this: "To get really good at something you have to despise it". So in fact you've seen the light... They are not models, they have huge insecurities within themselves and they don't have this self-awareness you have... Back in the times when I was struggling with similar problems, turning up this little but easy-to-implement idea helped me a lot...

But around here, this idea is usually overstreched sometimes as far as saying "all women are shallow b!tches without any exception!".

Start fixing things in your head by simply wishing. You cannot imagine how much progress you could do by merely "deciding" to pretend to be happy, be in a good mood, and think positively.

 

[piranha45]

Dude, look at what you just posted here:
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showpost.php?p=1588877&postcount=31

Where is the ****y Jerk in this picture??? In this post you are (trying to) BASH the very man you need to be.

I just see the gullible, girl-orbiting-satellite here. You have no self-supporting confidence of your own, so you're leaning on THEIR egos to support you. "Boy, if a girl saw me defend her kind against a Jerk comment like this, she'd think im so cool". You KNOW that doesn't work (I hope), because you've been here for 2 years and have 1000 posts. They fvck the jerks and then cry on the afc's shoulder; are we on the same page here?

Drop the Altruistic, Equality-for-All BS. The LAST thing you need to be doing is defending them. You need to get conceited and arrogant around these whors. Remove the term "Misogyny" from your brain (its a hopelessly subjective term, anyway). Quit being the beta-male supplicant that you currently are. You have a subconscious, ideological barrier related to this, going on. Be a man and tear it down.

Look at a woman and say "This silly tw@t doesn't know wtf she wants, but I do, and I'll take control and give it to her."

 

[Colossus]

Does anyone have any advice as to what I can do to combat this default inadequacy? Some kind of mental training, some way of tricking myself at the moment of asking someone out, ANYTHING? Even the most basic advice would be appreciated.

I think your problem primarily stems from the way you view women and relate yourself to them.

You seem to view these women who are interested in you as fundamentally better in some way, ergo you arent "good enough" for them.

Listen, the average AFC has no idea the amount of insecurity a woman walks around with every day. Something Ive noticed as i've gotten older is that most people's live arent nearly as exciting or interesting as they make them seem. These girls who are throwing you IOI's---they go home and watch their tv shows, step on the scale and feel fat, do their laundry, sit down to sh!t, and all the other mundane things everyone else does. What makes them better than you?? The answer: nothing.

With that said, the progress you make in your own life will dramatically affect the way you interact with others. Consider this: if you were add 30 lbs of solid muscle, 20k a year in annual income, and a few more friends to call up on saturday night, how do you think your interactions with women would change? These are ALL attainable things, but they will not come to fruition overnight, in a week, or even in a month. You build these things, brick by brick, until one day someone says to you, "wow, realsmoothie, you've really done well for yourself. Sounds like an awesome vacation you just took. Look at those pipes!! Let's go out for drinks this week!"

I can relate to not feeling great about where you are at with money and career. This is really a downer at times. But it's not going to resolve itself. Waiting for something to come to you or living under the bullsh!t "if it happens it, happens" mantra is weak. Look in your pants right now and confirm you have a d1ck and balls. If you do, you are a MAN. A man makes independent decisions. He doesnt need to constantly consult others for advice, or even tell people about his plans. He ACTS on the decisions he made.

 

[Lioric]

Dude, look at what you just posted here:
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showpost.php?p=1588877&postcount=31

Where is the ****y Jerk in this picture??? In this post you are (trying to) BASH the very man you need to be.

I just see the gullible, girl-orbiting-satellite here. You have no self-supporting confidence of your own, so you're leaning on THEIR egos to support you. "Boy, if a girl saw me defend her kind against a Jerk comment like this, she'd think im so cool". You KNOW that doesn't work (I hope), because you've been here for 2 years and have 1000 posts. They fvck the jerks and then cry on the afc's shoulder; are we on the same page here?

Drop the Altruistic, Equality-for-All BS. The LAST thing you need to be doing is defending them. You need to get conceited and arrogant around these whors. Remove the term "Misogyny" from your brain (its a hopelessly subjective term, anyway). Quit being the beta-male supplicant that you currently are. You have a subconscious, ideological barrier related to this, going on. Be a man and tear it down.

Look at a woman and say "This silly tw@t doesn't know wtf she wants, but I do, and I'll take control and give it to her."

Does it have to be one way or the other? I don't hate women, but I don't worship women either.

He's not bashing the very man he needs to be, we are not trying to create an army of scumbags here... Living on deception, hating women are signs of inadequacy by themselves.

Grow up

 

[piranha45]

The assumptions/arguments you made do not apply. In any case, if you want to argue about it, argue in the respective thread. This guy asked for help and advice.

 

[Lioric]

I am giving him advice on being balanced and not another bitter schmuck.
A slight touch of contemptuousness on 'hot' women *only* in the attraction stage is helpful. Any more than that? You are an idiot. Trying to justify that with pseudo-science and half-a55ed intellectual arguments? You are a schmuck.

 

[piranha45]

silly billy gumdrops!

 

[Jeffst1980]

Rejection is something you yourself create.

If you reframe the interaction as you GIVING the girl value by asking her out (instead of leeching off her value), you learn to think of the whole thing as a sales call. Sometimes, a client isn't interested in what you're selling. Often, this is NO REFLECTION on the quality of the product; in pickup, as in sales, everything is presentation.

When you take the sales model and apply it to pickup, you will see that YOU, as three dimensional person, are not being rejected--EVER! No one can accurately judge your value as a human being, let alone some random girl.

Then, it becomes a matter of getting to "yes." Learn from your mistakes and fine tune your approaches until you start getting the results you want. Learn to see every prospect as expendable-- it doesn't matter the outcome of the interaction, because it's all a means to an end; the end, in this case, is to be successful with women IN GENERAL.

It sounds like, based on the signals you've been receiving, girls already want to accept your sales pitch--you just psych yourself out before the sale. This is common--this is why we have the "3 second rule."

You may think you're preserving her comfort and preventing unnecessary rejection by not closing the deal. The truth, however, is that you are ACTIVELY getting rejected by your inaction in these situations. Chicks KNOW when you like them but don't have the courage to ask them out, and it turns them off.

A LOT of having confidence with women is "fake it till you make it." If you BELIEVE you will succeed and behave in accordance, the girl will follow you. It is actually very exciting for a girl to be picked up by a smooth, socially aware guy because there's no awkwardness caused by hesitation. Conversely, it is extremely UNCOMFORTABLE for a girl to be gamed by a nervous, self-conscious guy, and this can blow the deal even if he happens to be high value to the rest of society.

Confidence is a trait that exists INDEPENDENT of your social stature. It actually SUPERSEDES social stature in most pickup environments--this is the "loophole" that pickup artists exploit. They can manipulate a woman's perception of them to create the illusion of social status and high value just by acting with confidence. Of course, it stands to reason that if you FEEL inadequate, you shall become inadequate in a woman's eyes.

One of the simple secrets of life is that if you ASK for something, you USUALLY get it. The problem is, most people are afraid to ask.

 

[vitor]

Rule 1 for you, you are whoever you say you are. You make as much money as you say you make. If your goal is go out and and sleep with lots of women feel free to tell a few wink wink lies to get what you want. I am in the military and I spend a lot of my time pumping up my men trying to get them to get an education, work out harder, become better. Just do it man, go lift weights eat more, ask her out. Why are your books not selling, do you have an agent, are any done? Do you have goals, a time like a plan????

You body is easy start working out, eating more and training. It is much better to be skinny than fat so you got that going for you.

Your job have you asked for a raise? Can you find a better one? Can you get a part time job? Maybe goto college??

You miss all the shots you do not take...

 

[countermart]

Great advice here:

I’ll add a couple of things that helped me:

1. I am still going through a messy divorce and it teaches you one thing (well others too), let’s say one more thing...sometimes a woman turning you down for a date is the best thing that ever happened to you...you just never find out why. The reality is the we judge things as good or bad but in reality we do not know if many happenings are truly good or bad for sometimes years later...so do not label them as such.

2. There is a good post about on tests women must pass, but I would add that firstly she has to like you and actually go out with you. If she says no then she failed the test, not you. She must, and I mean must, treat you well and with respect. If she does not you are better off without her. So treat it as a test of her.

3. You will come to realise that women and money are replaceable. Children and time are not, so do not waste any more time. Try and if you fail "laugh it up Fuzzball." The trully great thing about being a guy is we ask (mostly), yes they can say yes or no, but they (mostly) have to wait for us to ask and guess what? There is no limit on the number of girls we ask. You only need to win one out of 10 times and you will be booked out if you ask enough girls out.

4. Your fear of rejection (asking) is directly proportional to the emotional investment you have in the asking..minimise this...do not care about the outcome. Do not give anyone emotional investment unless they have earn it first. Who is she to judge your worth as a person?

5. Finally, do not assume that women make good choices.

Hang in there “this too will pass”.

Countermart

 

[realsmoothie]

Hey guys, OP here. Lots of good stuff here, don't have time right at the moment to respond to it all but will be back ASAP.

 

[The Gamer]

Your being selfish by not letting people get to know you. You have too much to offer the world by doing that. Stop being selfish.

 

[realsmoothie]

OK I'm back. A few responses, sorry if they're not addressed to people specifically (could never figure out how to quote multiple posts).

The advice is dead on, generally!

Focusing on my positives is a great idea, funny I never thought of it. I actually made a little list of them on my iphone that I could check periodically and remind myself. I actually came up with 25 or so things.

I also like the comment about not being apologetic about the way you live. This is really key for me because the changes I've made in my life aren't exactly the kind you can just blurb out to a girl that you've just met. I mean, I'm so stupidly excited to be heading back to grad school this fall, and have just started going back to the gym, and am finally getting serious about learning how to cook, but none of those have instant, observable results that a girl will see. But if I can convince myself that I am in fact on the right track, this should translate into confidence, no?

Rejection: I'm not really that concerned about rejection, at least not in these kinds of cases. The situations I'm talking about are the ones where girls are really giving serious IOI's or I already know them, so rejection doesn't even seem like a factor. My problem is long-term rejection, i.e. that they'll reject me after finding out more about me.

And yes, of course the "can we have coffee" comment is lame. That was just an example, at the very least I would say "meet me for coffee" and set a time.

Any more comments would be appreciated, but this is a good start.