Can someone explain why I feel this way?

[SayWhat]

Been texting this girl at work for a while now. Since Corona we're stuck at home, but we're in a mutual group chat as well with other colleagues.

During the day, whenever I haven't heard from her yet and she says someone in that group, but not to me in private, I feel worthless. I feel like she has no interest in me anymore whatsoever. Then, if she texts me private later, all is good. And if it was the other way around like she texted me in the morning and then in the group, I don't care.

And currently it's been two days since I've heard from her private, but not in the group chat. Sure I guess how I feel, is showing through my behaviour in texting etc, but I don't get it.

These couple of days I have been stuck at home, really are starting to make me crazy. I've had this behaviour and feelings before though, but it's getting worse.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

You place your self worth in other people's hands when it should be intrinsic.

 

[Alvafe]

acute oneitis, you need her validation, so your happiness depend on other people, doing so will amke your life miserable, to solve it I would recoment to date around and fuc|< at least 2 girls, but the way people are scared right now, not really possible.

so lets try another aproach, put that group on silence and only look on your cellphone once a day, if you need to work then only look that group once a day, and do other things, if you are kinda forced to stay at home, now is a moment to read a book, finish that game you never had time, or build something you wanted, the less time you spend thinking on useless thing the better,

 

[SayWhat]

acute oneitis, you need her validation, so your happiness depend on other people, doing so will amke your life miserable, to solve it I would recoment to date around and fuc|< at least 2 girls, but the way people are scared right now, not really possible.

so lets try another aproach, put that group on silence and only look on your cellphone once a day, if you need to work then only look that group once a day, and do other things, if you are kinda forced to stay at home, now is a moment to read a book, finish that game you never had time, or build something you wanted, the less time you spend thinking on useless thing the better,

I muted the group, but I've done it before. I tend to look anyway during the day, but I'll try not to tomorrow. Looking at my cellphone only once a day is what got me in this the first place I think. She's quite a chatty girl, which I don't mind though. I'm quite chatty as well, with people I really like or who I don't care about.

For example I'm texting a friend of mine which I've known for some years. Fine I would bang her, but I don't care if it happens or not and she has a boyfriend as well. But I just text and I don't care. When she says something, I reply basically without thinking and this is where it has gone wrong with the girl from work I think. I tend to wait with my replies for an average of over an hour because I want to think of a good reply. In the end I do realize it always comes down to what I first thought, but sometimes I thought of something better later on and it has gotten some good results. I know I need to act with her like I do with my friend, act indifferent and so on. But I don't get how you can do that if you're at least a bit interested... And I honestly think she has just given up because I reply so slow.

My happiness depends on other people at other aspects as well. When I'm in a group and they're having fun, but I feel a bit left out, I feel useless as well. Of course with females it's a lot worse. Fine I'm a bit more reserved as the average person, but being social is a key aspect to attract woman as I've read multiple times on this forum.

 

[Asseater]

I used to get nervous when texting girls, just like you describe. I just stopped giving a **** and realized if it doesn't work with one girl there are 3 billion others to work on. Now my results are much better BTW.

 

[SayWhat]

Thanks for all the advice. Must admit that the times where I didn't give a fvck and just said stuff, worked most times. But she has gotten a hold on me and I felt I gave a fvck again.

But haven't heard from her since sunday, besides some stuff she said in the mutual group chat. Don't really know why she suddenly stopped texting. Probably lost interest or some other guy started texting her who she's more interested in.

Kinda sucks but I think I can keep no contact for now. She's a HB9 and was surprised at the attention she gave me. But I think it was just validation she needed, or was bored and wanted some attention.

I feel my mind is still trying to turn this around. Thinking stuff like "she must be scared to text me cause perhaps she likes me so much", "she's waiting to text because she wants me to reach out this time". But when I look at how she acts in the mutual group chat, I know I must be wrong (although my mind tells me that perhaps she acts that way to make me jealous/reach out). As you can see, my mind and self esteem is screwed... But some stuff I don't get, cause I've gotten her to do stuff the last week (like play songs on her guitar that I requested), but yeah she might have just been bored.

 

[Seductions_Mad_Scientist]

Been texting this girl at work for a while now. Since Corona we're stuck at home, but we're in a mutual group chat as well with other colleagues.

During the day, whenever I haven't heard from her yet and she says someone in that group, but not to me in private, I feel worthless. I feel like she has no interest in me anymore whatsoever. Then, if she texts me private later, all is good. And if it was the other way around like she texted me in the morning and then in the group, I don't care.

And currently it's been two days since I've heard from her private, but not in the group chat. Sure I guess how I feel, is showing through my behaviour in texting etc, but I don't get it.

These couple of days I have been stuck at home, really are starting to make me crazy. I've had this behaviour and feelings before though, but it's getting worse.

You cant dump water in a bucket with a hole at the bottom and expect it to fill up.

If your concept of your self is anything like what your language indicates it is; you are the bucket, the hole is your self-esteem and the water is your confidence in this metaphor.

Some constructive things you can do are :

1) Fix your hormones by getting serious in the gym & with your nutrition. (obviously once Corona passes, calisthenics is a good immediate solution)
2) Meditate. I tend to compare the benefits of meditation to closing a bunch of useless tabs on a browser to free up RAM.
3) Journal. Even if you think positive some of the time it may not calcify unless you explicitly articulate it on paper.
4) Network. I understand that this is hard given Corona. But when that is done, try and make it a goal to go out a little bit every single night. In a year you can easily meet 1000+ people. Even if you only have 1 interaction/new person you'll soon realize how meaningless and therefore unimportant most conversations are. At which point you'll probably be less stressed/anxious by them.

Cheers bro!

 

[SayWhat]

Thanks

Last question:

is it in any way possible that the things I think (she‘s waiting for me to text, she suddenly became insecure/shy or thinks she‘s ruined it, making me jealous in other groups), are true? In real life she seems very confident and gets a lot of attention. So it’s hard for me to believe that, partially because she didn’t act like this before. But perhaps even hb9 have their insecure ways? She has been single for quite some time I think (perhaps a red flag if a hb9 is single for a long time? Don’t know how long though).

 

[Ohso-Phresh]

Thanks

Last question:

is it in any way possible that the things I think (she‘s waiting for me to text, she suddenly became insecure/shy or thinks she‘s ruined it, making me jealous in other groups), are true? In real life she seems very confident and gets a lot of attention. So it’s hard for me to believe that, partially because she didn’t act like this before. But perhaps even hb9 have their insecure ways? She has been single for quite some time I think (perhaps a red flag if a hb9 is single for a long time? Don’t know how long though).

No.

All women have insecurities.

No. Some women will choose being single over being in a not-exactly-what-they-want relationship, others will still get sexed up without a relationship. If she’s hot, she’s definitely getting approached all the time.

 

[tony.shai]

The insecurities are great, use that. I use them as tool now. When I talk to a girl that's out of my league I know deep inside me that this chick looks good yeah, but still has tons of other issues, which helps me to flip the script.

 

[SayWhat]

Going absolutely crazy today. Can’t for the love of god figure out why she all of a sudden stopped texting.

I feel like later today when I had something to drink I’ll probably text her something.

 

[synecdoche]

When she says something, I reply basically without thinking and this is where it has gone wrong with the girl from work I think. I tend to wait with my replies for an average of over an hour because I want to think of a good reply. In the end I do realize it always comes down to what I first thought, but sometimes I thought of something better later on and it has gotten some good results.

This.

You're not living a life of abundance, you're concentrating too much on the small stuff. Waiting for an hour to reply, thinking of good comebacks, ... Do you think a person with high SMV would be thinking about these things? He just lives his life, if she texts, he'll respond when he has time and doesn't think about it anymore. Playing these little games will get back at you. You are too focused on her you'll catch oneitits, you're operating in a broken mindset here. as others have said above.

If there is high interest on her part, there is no game, everything should go effortlessly.

Ofc you might have boycotted yourself by starting to "game" her.

Little nuance cause of the COVID situation, there is not much you can do right now. This will suck, having oneitis whilst being in quarantaine.

 

[StacksHitEmUp]

Going absolutely crazy today. Can’t for the love of god figure out why she all of a sudden stopped texting.

I feel like later today when I had something to drink I’ll probably text her something.

Don't. How long has it been? If she wants to talk to you, she will. You and her might be stuck in a battle of patience and you don't want to lose that too early. You have a bigger problem though, you're too caught up in this, especially cuz you haven't hit it before. Care a little if you REALLY can't help it, but not too much.

If there is high interest on her part, there is no game, everything should go effortlessly.

I've had girls with high interest try to game me because I was too aloof but in the end they ended up caving anyway. My current girlfriend got extremely pissed at me when we first started seeing each other because I would not initiate, unless it was to talk logistics. She asked me why she always has to initiate, talk to me, wait for me, look for me etc. That's why I suggest for SayWhat to do absolutely nothing now and just wait it out.

 

[SayWhat]

Don't. How long has it been? If she wants to talk to you, she will. You and her might be stuck in a battle of patience and you don't want to lose that too early. You have a bigger problem though, you're too caught up in this, especially cuz you haven't hit it before. Care a little if you REALLY can't help it, but not too much.

I've had girls with high interest try to game me because I was too aloof but in the end they ended up caving anyway. My current girlfriend got extremely pissed at me when we first started seeing each other because I would not initiate, unless it was to talk logistics. She asked me why she always has to initiate, talk to me, wait for me, look for me etc. That's why I suggest for SayWhat to do absolutely nothing now and just wait it out.

It has been since sunday, before that we basically talked every day besides another 4 day silence about a month ago (there I reinitiated contact).

By nature I'm a quiet guy as well (unless with people I'm comfortable with) and lost some interested girls because of that, I'm afraid this is going to be another one of those cases, that's why I want to reinitiate.

 

[In2theGame]

You feel this way because you want to know that she views you as a priority over others. You will feel that shes into you by contacting you first above others and when she doesn't, you feel as if she doesn't give a sh*t about you. This has happened to me years ago with a chick I was into. Looking back that's what it was and ultimately it came down to my own insecurities. You care too much of the outcome with this chick.

 

[StacksHitEmUp]

It has been since sunday, before that we basically talked every day besides another 4 day silence about a month ago (there I reinitiated contact).

By nature I'm a quiet guy as well (unless with people I'm comfortable with) and lost some interested girls because of that, I'm afraid this is going to be another one of those cases, that's why I want to reinitiate.

I guess you can re-initiate but be cool. Don't force a conversation if it isn't there. You shall re-initiate only this one time. Then see if she hits you up the next day, if she does, great, if she doesn't then you just go ghost. Go spin other plates in the meantime.

When I screen girls, I act as if it's a hurdle race. I will actively set out hurdles to see if she can succesfully jump them. These hurdles are goals I set for her without telling her. With each goal I set, I make a promise to myself, if she doesn't make it over the hurdle, she can't finish the race and is thus disqualified (I go ghost). Obviously, these goals shouldn't be small things like 'if she doesn't send me a heart emoji shes out'. You should always test your women to see if she's worth your time and attention. Most guys just try and hope to pass women's tests, but you should be seeing whether she is qualified for you and not the other way around. You're the prize, not her.

The test here is you re-initiating and then seeing if she initiates within two days. If she doesn't then she's failed your test and she's out. You might be a little too invested in this though so my other advice for your wellbeing might be to just eject. The annoying thing right now is that it's hard to actually get her to meet you with the corona lockdown going on, else you could just text her tonight and set up a date and take it from there.

 

[SayWhat]

...

Thanks man

I won‘t be texting her today, I’ll see how I feel tomorrow. Don’t even know what I could say without trying to force a conversation...

I’m indeed too invested in her and since we still have to work together in the future, I think it’s best to eject like you said. But it was so nice because she was honestly the prettiest girl that acted like this towards me but I fvcked it up. I started of cool and semi-confident with her and it worked, I hope I can feel like that again and use it with other girls. But now I feel like the biggest loser in the world.

Another reason I think I’ll eject is because in the small chance we would get together, I’m currently so mentally fvcked up it would end in a trainwreck for me. I think I should gain more experience with girls outside of work where it doesn’t matter if it works or not.

 

[SayWhat]

Strange things

She texted me at noon, asking me how I was because she hadn't heard anything from me. Bit of texting but not that much because this time I honestly was busy in the garden. She even complimented me on my body because I mentioned I started to notice some muscle losses due to the gyms closed. Then replied om something she said, but then she suddenly stopped texting again. I know she's just at home like everyone else, so I don't get it.

 

[Visionist]

She sounds like an attention whöre. She's gonna be texting a lot of guys if she's trapped inside, looking for her fix.

Like a druggie.

Ask yourself this, if she was fat, would you even give half a sh!t about her? Because she can certainly get fat in future. Then, what will you have to show for all your obvious agonizing? Nothing.

Back in school, there was a very tasty piece of a$$ who wouldn't give me the time of day. I was an outcast at school and never got anything from any female.

Fifteen years later, she's had a couple kids and even been through a few weight gain/weight loss phases, judging from her antisocial media pictures. I messaged her a few days ago casually, just out of sheer boredom at being stuck inside. She replied and I teased her a bit. All the attitude from years ago? Gone. She's demure, apologizing frequently if she doesn't reply immediately, and seems like a completely different person.

Everything you find attractive about this girl whom you've clearly developed a oneitis for, will fade. Wilt.

Rot.

 

[SayWhat]

Yeah what a btch and attention whöre.

Texted me again on sunday, some sexual teases, she texted some pictures of herself etc,... but then today I decided to initiate and asked her a question which I really wanted to know, not just something just to start a conversation.

She replied on which I replied again, but then she’s gone silent again. She clearly had her fix like you said, but I’m done. If she ever reaches out again, I’ll be friendly as we still have to work together but that will be it. I won’t reach out anymore and my replies will be to the point.