here it is READ IT.
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=155594
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=155594
Can I save my LTR?
- Thread starter 49au
- Start date
my best friend is going through the same issue.
His 2 year long term Girlfriend broke up with him because she was "unsure" of what she was feeling for him.
2 months later, she starts dating a new guy, and they dated for around 3 or 4 months.
my buddy takes good advice from me and others, and goes No contact, and starts ignoring the hell out of her, and her texts.
girl starts becoming pissed and moany at the fact that "he is not answering"
so now girl is single again, and blowing up his phone, calling him everyday because she has suddendly "realized" she made a mistake and wants to fix things with my friend.
but should he take her back? I told him just ignore her, and wait for her to come knocking on your door, so you can push her away in person.
she did, and he talked to her (dumbass), and now they are talking, and he is taking it slow, and he is not sure if he wants her back at this point.
I've told him that relatinoship is destined to fail if they get back together, but i dont think he will listen at this point. Just like OP, they have to learn the hard way.
and it will hurt!, but you won't die, well we all do eventually.
Peace.
His 2 year long term Girlfriend broke up with him because she was "unsure" of what she was feeling for him.
2 months later, she starts dating a new guy, and they dated for around 3 or 4 months.
my buddy takes good advice from me and others, and goes No contact, and starts ignoring the hell out of her, and her texts.
girl starts becoming pissed and moany at the fact that "he is not answering"
so now girl is single again, and blowing up his phone, calling him everyday because she has suddendly "realized" she made a mistake and wants to fix things with my friend.
but should he take her back? I told him just ignore her, and wait for her to come knocking on your door, so you can push her away in person.
she did, and he talked to her (dumbass), and now they are talking, and he is taking it slow, and he is not sure if he wants her back at this point.
I've told him that relatinoship is destined to fail if they get back together, but i dont think he will listen at this point. Just like OP, they have to learn the hard way.
and it will hurt!, but you won't die, well we all do eventually.
Peace.
Huh? I wasn't trying to figure out some meaning to it. I was just wondering if I should mail it back (as I told her twice that I didn't want it) or just do nothing. I am going 100% no contact with her.
I am also actively moving on even though emotionally I'm not where I need to be. I have employees so basically I have nothing to do all day every day. This last week I've focused on taking the boat out, happy hours with friends, getting back to the gym, talking to girls, and last night had a great time at the strip club. It's not like I'm sitting around waiting for her.
I just have a lot of free time to fill and I'm not a robot that can just flip a switch and not care anymore. Everything feels empty right now, but I'm working on it.
I am also actively moving on even though emotionally I'm not where I need to be. I have employees so basically I have nothing to do all day every day. This last week I've focused on taking the boat out, happy hours with friends, getting back to the gym, talking to girls, and last night had a great time at the strip club. It's not like I'm sitting around waiting for her.
I just have a lot of free time to fill and I'm not a robot that can just flip a switch and not care anymore. Everything feels empty right now, but I'm working on it.Dude, You were loosing, turned things round and now wow, somehow you have become her friend - the best possible outcome for her.
You are hanging out, having long emotional conversations, decorating shops together - basically everything except sex. I know it is really hard and you have won some big battles but you have to finish this thing strong.
You still love her, you still want her and she knows it. I don't understand how you have been at her house twice after breaking up and returning her stuff.
CordonCordon has given you good advice throughout but ufortunately you were not in a place to take it.
You are in her frame, she is in control. Who do you think is more broken up? You who if you had your way would be with her forever or she who is not ready to commit, has no time for sex but doesn't want you out of her life?
You are hanging out, having long emotional conversations, decorating shops together - basically everything except sex. I know it is really hard and you have won some big battles but you have to finish this thing strong.
You still love her, you still want her and she knows it. I don't understand how you have been at her house twice after breaking up and returning her stuff.
CordonCordon has given you good advice throughout but ufortunately you were not in a place to take it.
You are in her frame, she is in control. Who do you think is more broken up? You who if you had your way would be with her forever or she who is not ready to commit, has no time for sex but doesn't want you out of her life?
penkitten
Master Don Juan
you are not losing and she is not in control of you.
you made the decisions you had to make, you put your foot down and told her what you needed to.
now, you have to take a step back and get your mind off it so the stress of it doesn't overwhelm you. let's think of it like dinner. you have already made several trips up to the buffett and you honestly are stuffed and if you put another bite in your mouth, you will vomit. so you have to get up from the table and walk away...
right now you need to clear your head and the best way to do it is to get active. go to the gym or go play some ball. do something. go out with friends. anything to clear your head.
just knowing that you are in control makes the difference!
you made the decisions you had to make, you put your foot down and told her what you needed to.
now, you have to take a step back and get your mind off it so the stress of it doesn't overwhelm you. let's think of it like dinner. you have already made several trips up to the buffett and you honestly are stuffed and if you put another bite in your mouth, you will vomit. so you have to get up from the table and walk away...
right now you need to clear your head and the best way to do it is to get active. go to the gym or go play some ball. do something. go out with friends. anything to clear your head.
just knowing that you are in control makes the difference!
Okay, Roughly 4 things can happen here
1.)You break up and do not remain friends
2.)You break up and remain close/best friends
3.)You go back to being in a relationship where you are both each other's priorities
4.)You become FBs
I think she wants number 2 while your preference would be number 3. To decide who is in control, ask yourself which situation is closest to where you are now?
Then ask yourself, who can move the relationship from where it is to another level?
To help you
She can go to 1 by simply telling you she wants to have a go with her ex or by stopping all her texting and calls.
She can go to 3 by looking you in the eye and saying my head is clear and I am ready.
She can go to 4 by jumping on you one day you are in her house after both of you have cried for about two hours. (You may think she can't but believe me she can in so many ways)
She can remain in 3 by declaring undying love, calling you 300 times and feeding you bs you want to hear but still saying she is just not 100% sure.
And you, my friend, you want her, that is your ultimate goal, so you are waiting, waiting until she proves she is ready to make you a priority
But it is not your fault, you see, you are just trying to be nice. Be there for her in her time of need. To let her see what a great guy you are - her rock. You took her to vegas and did lots of ****, dropped some heavy cash, took care of all her needs. (hopefully this is a lesson to all the loaded guys out there)
That mindset above has to change. Right now you are afraid she will start banging her ex or someone else which would close the door completely on you getting back together. This is how she controls you. How she makes you hang around. It is this fear that makes you call her back after her 5th text or her 20th call. Hoping that this time she will say what you want to hear.
Let all these fears go. Write off all your financial and emotional investment.
Cut her out of your life, be childish, be rude (by who's standards by the way) Start dating someone else and let her know. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know
It is not easy but emotional control is possible.
Believe you can find someone in future that will tick all the right boxes physically and also have that same deep connection. Don't become bitter and jaded by the experience. Become smart but remain ready to still find love
Believe that there is nothing wrong with you. It is all her ****, it truly is.
Believe there is nothing you could have done once it started breaking down to turn things round
Believe the relationship is now irreparable
Decide you will never take her back and feel the freedom. (If you want one last roll in the hay then go for it but after that, implement everything I have told you)
And by the way I question what kind of connection you really had if in only 8 months she is now not sure she wants to be with you
So to answer you original question - No, you can't save your LTR and moreso, it is not what saving.
1.)You break up and do not remain friends
2.)You break up and remain close/best friends
3.)You go back to being in a relationship where you are both each other's priorities
4.)You become FBs
I think she wants number 2 while your preference would be number 3. To decide who is in control, ask yourself which situation is closest to where you are now?
Then ask yourself, who can move the relationship from where it is to another level?
To help you
She can go to 1 by simply telling you she wants to have a go with her ex or by stopping all her texting and calls.
She can go to 3 by looking you in the eye and saying my head is clear and I am ready.
She can go to 4 by jumping on you one day you are in her house after both of you have cried for about two hours. (You may think she can't but believe me she can in so many ways)
She can remain in 3 by declaring undying love, calling you 300 times and feeding you bs you want to hear but still saying she is just not 100% sure.
And you, my friend, you want her, that is your ultimate goal, so you are waiting, waiting until she proves she is ready to make you a priority
But it is not your fault, you see, you are just trying to be nice. Be there for her in her time of need. To let her see what a great guy you are - her rock. You took her to vegas and did lots of ****, dropped some heavy cash, took care of all her needs. (hopefully this is a lesson to all the loaded guys out there)
That mindset above has to change. Right now you are afraid she will start banging her ex or someone else which would close the door completely on you getting back together. This is how she controls you. How she makes you hang around. It is this fear that makes you call her back after her 5th text or her 20th call. Hoping that this time she will say what you want to hear.
Let all these fears go. Write off all your financial and emotional investment.
Cut her out of your life, be childish, be rude (by who's standards by the way) Start dating someone else and let her know. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know
It is not easy but emotional control is possible.
Believe you can find someone in future that will tick all the right boxes physically and also have that same deep connection. Don't become bitter and jaded by the experience. Become smart but remain ready to still find love
Believe that there is nothing wrong with you. It is all her ****, it truly is.
Believe there is nothing you could have done once it started breaking down to turn things round
Believe the relationship is now irreparable
Decide you will never take her back and feel the freedom. (If you want one last roll in the hay then go for it but after that, implement everything I have told you)
And by the way I question what kind of connection you really had if in only 8 months she is now not sure she wants to be with you
So to answer you original question - No, you can't save your LTR and moreso, it is not what saving.
Thanks for your post.
As I have said, I am moving on as best I can and I am not contacting her. It is just going to take time to get over.
Ultimately I think she has major issues and fears about the future as well as baggage from the past; I also think we are in much different places in life. That is a major problem and it is not my fault.
But I do believe that in situations like this it is healthy for the guy to figure out, "What did I do (or not do) that allowed her interest level to fall?" It is important for me to answer this question to benefit my next relationship.
8 months is my second longest LTR, with 2 years being my longest. Either one seems like a long time to me and I am known as someone who gets bored with women after I sleep with them. All of my friends were SHOCKED when I actually stayed with this girl after a few months. Even I was shocked. But it was what I wanted. On the other hand she has been in LTRs as long as 4 years, and I made the mistake of thinking that to her 8 months was a big investment, because to me it was (compared to my other "investments" anyway).
I allowed myself to open up too much and I was no longer a challenge after just maybe 4-5 months. I identified specific moments and situations in the relationship where I failed to be the "man she met" (very confident, being chased by women, busy having fun, independent) and instead turned into the opposite. Over time I became her best friend but she lost that animal attraction we had in the beginning. I was just so happy to FINALLY be with someone I was crazy about instead of the string of ONSs or girls I saw no future with that I let myself go to sh1t. I also had a very low point about 3 months ago when I was drunk and frustrated, and absolutely humiliated her in front of my friends. It hurt her deeply and she almost left. If I was still the "guy she met" I would have been in control, her trust issues wouldn't have bothered me so much, and that situation would have never happened.
I cared about her so much that I focused on being "the perfect boyfriend" instead of the guy that she met and was so attracted to. I consciously and subconsciously let her know that I viewed her as my prize and that I would do anything for her. I let her get bored. I honestly don't believe she wants or ever wanted her ex back; if she did they would already be together. I just believe that interest level fell and she started missing that raw attraction she used to feel for me. In the end I became the guy she "should" want to marry and her "best friend", not the guy she felt a consuming attraction for.
I'm not going to beat myself up. What's done is done. But I refuse to not learn from this mistake and just blindly say "it's all her fault." That doesn't mean I should try to go back to her, it just means that in my next relationship I need to focus on taking things way slower and letting the girl come to me, even if I feel something intense.
As I have said, I am moving on as best I can and I am not contacting her. It is just going to take time to get over.
Ultimately I think she has major issues and fears about the future as well as baggage from the past; I also think we are in much different places in life. That is a major problem and it is not my fault.
But I do believe that in situations like this it is healthy for the guy to figure out, "What did I do (or not do) that allowed her interest level to fall?" It is important for me to answer this question to benefit my next relationship.
8 months is my second longest LTR, with 2 years being my longest. Either one seems like a long time to me and I am known as someone who gets bored with women after I sleep with them. All of my friends were SHOCKED when I actually stayed with this girl after a few months. Even I was shocked. But it was what I wanted. On the other hand she has been in LTRs as long as 4 years, and I made the mistake of thinking that to her 8 months was a big investment, because to me it was (compared to my other "investments" anyway).
I allowed myself to open up too much and I was no longer a challenge after just maybe 4-5 months. I identified specific moments and situations in the relationship where I failed to be the "man she met" (very confident, being chased by women, busy having fun, independent) and instead turned into the opposite. Over time I became her best friend but she lost that animal attraction we had in the beginning. I was just so happy to FINALLY be with someone I was crazy about instead of the string of ONSs or girls I saw no future with that I let myself go to sh1t. I also had a very low point about 3 months ago when I was drunk and frustrated, and absolutely humiliated her in front of my friends. It hurt her deeply and she almost left. If I was still the "guy she met" I would have been in control, her trust issues wouldn't have bothered me so much, and that situation would have never happened.
I cared about her so much that I focused on being "the perfect boyfriend" instead of the guy that she met and was so attracted to. I consciously and subconsciously let her know that I viewed her as my prize and that I would do anything for her. I let her get bored. I honestly don't believe she wants or ever wanted her ex back; if she did they would already be together. I just believe that interest level fell and she started missing that raw attraction she used to feel for me. In the end I became the guy she "should" want to marry and her "best friend", not the guy she felt a consuming attraction for.
I'm not going to beat myself up. What's done is done. But I refuse to not learn from this mistake and just blindly say "it's all her fault." That doesn't mean I should try to go back to her, it just means that in my next relationship I need to focus on taking things way slower and letting the girl come to me, even if I feel something intense.
49au said:
I don't know if you took the time to read my earlier post, but this is what I meant and what happened to me. Reading your posts between mine and your last one, I see myself in those posts 100%.
The healthy part of your posts if you are dealing with it. PLEASE PLEASE don't listen to those here who will tell you to "stop thinking about her, get yourself together". You are in a GRIEVING period. It doesn't matter if leaving her was the right thing to do (in my opinion, it was), you still lost something you loved. When my mother died, after three weeks some people I considered friends told me it was "time to move on, get over it". It was the same with my girl who broke up with me at that time. The truth is that it's HEALTHY to work on your feelings. It's what you were and are doing in your posts here. It helps to talk about it. Let it out. It will be over quicker.
What you shouldn't do, though, and that is the unhealthy part of your posts (I know because I said the same things) is you are telling yourself "if she did x or y I would take her back." I had the exact same thoughts. But it's just a horrible idea, and I will repeat to you what someone told me in my thread about my girl: in a few months I guarantee you will be thankful for getting away. Think about it, it's like DMEDFISIK said: you'll never trust her again. Or, if you do, chances are she won't live up to that trust. The spell has been broken, and if she caused a situation like this once she has the potential to cause it again, anytime.
Don't rush yourself into that conclusion, it takes time and a whole lot of living in between to come to that point. That is also natural. But you really, really, really should go NO CONTACT.
The whole thinking about yourself and what you did to cause this situation is also good, and natural. At first you will blame yourself for everything and have "epiphanies" that make you want to call her and tell her something that "will change everything back". DO. NOT. CONTACT. After a while it will become better, you will see more clearly (even if you already think you do) and you will come to see exactly what it is you might have done, but you will also see all the bull**** she did.
Please, please take this from someone who was in your almost exact situation just a few months ago, and please please allow yourself some time and go easy on yourself. You will come out on top, and stronger.
Brooxy
Don Juan
I have just spent the past hour and a half reading this interesting thread and to be honest I think it's a shame that the relationship ended in such a way as after all you said yourself 49au, you felt something for this girl that you never felt with any one else. I think some of the advice on this forum is a bit misguided sometimes and you should have kept in mind your original desired outcome:
"I just flat out don't want to lose this girl. I don't think this is one-itis or whatever... I've banged my share of sluts, and had a few LTRs along the way."
It seems that through what everyone else has been saying that you lost sight of what you originally posted.
In my opinion the reason she was experiencing doubts was a because of a mixture of different reasons, not just because she wanted to get back with her ex or because of the religion thing. All of these things are connected, and as you touched on before she is obviously experiencing a lot of guilt because of the abortion and seeing her friend recently give birth. Even though this would be a highly traumatic experience for any woman, this is obviously compounded by the fact that she comes from a religeous background. I think it is completely normal for her to be thinking "What if I didn't have the abortion and stayed with my ex?" around the time that her friend just gave birth to hers.. This doesn't mean she wanted to get back with him, as was also shown in the text she showed you.
I think initially the tactic of seeming like you were willing to lose her was a good thing as you should be prepared to end a relationship if your second best but as soon as she proved that you weren't you should have stopped. Also, from what I read, she only contacted her ex after you guys agreed to go on a break/cool off period? If so then what's the problem with that?
Lastly in a relationship after time goes by we end up becoming complacent and can become less attractive to our other half if not careful. I know in my relationship of 4 1/2 years I have made many many mistakes like the one you mentioned where you humiliated her. I personally think that being man we should take responsibility in a relationship, I tend to blame myself for things that goes wrong my relationship as I believe I create my own reality..
It's a shame that it ended this way, I think it would have been more of a manly thing to help her through this difficult time and worked it out. So many people have said things like "If she does it once, she'll do it again..." but at the end of the day no one is perfect and there would be times in the relationship when you would need forgiveness for mistakes..
You obviously really liked this girl, I think your posts afterwards had a hint of regret.. Sometimes you need to put your pride aside for love..
"I just flat out don't want to lose this girl. I don't think this is one-itis or whatever... I've banged my share of sluts, and had a few LTRs along the way."
It seems that through what everyone else has been saying that you lost sight of what you originally posted.
In my opinion the reason she was experiencing doubts was a because of a mixture of different reasons, not just because she wanted to get back with her ex or because of the religion thing. All of these things are connected, and as you touched on before she is obviously experiencing a lot of guilt because of the abortion and seeing her friend recently give birth. Even though this would be a highly traumatic experience for any woman, this is obviously compounded by the fact that she comes from a religeous background. I think it is completely normal for her to be thinking "What if I didn't have the abortion and stayed with my ex?" around the time that her friend just gave birth to hers.. This doesn't mean she wanted to get back with him, as was also shown in the text she showed you.
I think initially the tactic of seeming like you were willing to lose her was a good thing as you should be prepared to end a relationship if your second best but as soon as she proved that you weren't you should have stopped. Also, from what I read, she only contacted her ex after you guys agreed to go on a break/cool off period? If so then what's the problem with that?
Lastly in a relationship after time goes by we end up becoming complacent and can become less attractive to our other half if not careful. I know in my relationship of 4 1/2 years I have made many many mistakes like the one you mentioned where you humiliated her. I personally think that being man we should take responsibility in a relationship, I tend to blame myself for things that goes wrong my relationship as I believe I create my own reality..
It's a shame that it ended this way, I think it would have been more of a manly thing to help her through this difficult time and worked it out. So many people have said things like "If she does it once, she'll do it again..." but at the end of the day no one is perfect and there would be times in the relationship when you would need forgiveness for mistakes..
You obviously really liked this girl, I think your posts afterwards had a hint of regret.. Sometimes you need to put your pride aside for love..
JustinVerj
Don Juan
- Joined
- May 16, 2011
- Messages
- 12
- Reaction score
- 1
I 100% agree with this and was what I was trying to get across to him until posters like this cornhole cornhole, someone who seems very misogynistic, conceited, and a downright jerk, talked him into doing things I dont think he wanted to do and will regret, if hes not already. I wonder how he feels knowing he helped alter 2 peoples life? And not in a good way. He and others like him sitting behind keyboards should be ashamed of themselves. How someone like him has a longterm gf I will never understand. I Take that back remembering shes asian. I would bet thats the only type that would put up with someone like him. People like him on this forum walk around like their shat dont stink. That if a woman doesnt do exactly what you want she is somehow disrespecting you and an evil batch. I guess they are all perfect and never do anything they regret. As you said, the man in question here obviously loved her, as it seemed she loved him, she was conflicted about a number of things all coming together at once and after showing her that he wasnt going to be second best, been there and stood by her. This wasnt just some girl he was casually dating, someone he wouldnt care about once she was gone. All this drama over something that should have brought them closer.Brooxy said:
^^ I agree with Danger
people with no experience in real life, or here in the forum, will tend to disagree with golden advice given. Experience will make you guys understand that you cannot be with a girl who has any kind of doubt about what she feels for you.
how the hell is she supposed to put up with your **** for the next 5, 10, 20, 30 plus years, if she cannot put her dumb emotions in check, and be sure that she wants to be with with you for the long run, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS????????
how the hell do you guys even think of keeping a girl who is not sure she is attracted to you. Whats gonna happen in 5, 10, 20 plus years????
well I see cheating, lying, and a possibly divorce, and if not that, a very miserable woman who cannot stand the idea of you touching her at all.
people with no experience in real life, or here in the forum, will tend to disagree with golden advice given. Experience will make you guys understand that you cannot be with a girl who has any kind of doubt about what she feels for you.
how the hell is she supposed to put up with your **** for the next 5, 10, 20, 30 plus years, if she cannot put her dumb emotions in check, and be sure that she wants to be with with you for the long run, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS????????
how the hell do you guys even think of keeping a girl who is not sure she is attracted to you. Whats gonna happen in 5, 10, 20 plus years????
well I see cheating, lying, and a possibly divorce, and if not that, a very miserable woman who cannot stand the idea of you touching her at all.
I do have regrets about how this went down; but ultimately the idea behind the advice I received here was sound.
Because this is such a lengthy thread, there were misconceptions from some posters - and they are seen even in the last few posts. For instance, the sex had not "dried up", we still had sex on a regular basis. She still contacted me every day. She still bought me gifts, showed interest, made time for me, etc. Also, she was also not going over to her ex's house. Misunderstandings like that can color opinions.
Never the less, there were problems (her baggage, my failure to maintain IL and continue to be the alpha male that she fell for) and I did what I had to do.
Some would say that I made a major mistake by spending a lot of time talking to her after the breakup about "what happened?" And I will admit that I broke down crying - hard - in front of her. And it made her cry too. That's just guilt and pity I guess. And flame me if you must. But is this a mistake? From the PU perspective, yes. From the perspective of trying to get her back? Yes. But from EastWind's perspective of grieving, airing out a loss, trying to make sense of a loss, and getting it out of your system, then no I did not make a mistake. I felt that the relationship was DONE and so I didn't want to leave room for confusion, bitterness, anger, and questioning on my part. I needed closure to move on with my life.
EastWind,
I did read your former post and this new one. Thanks for sharing your experience. I actually thought a lot about how you feel you dodged a bullet, and I have tried to focus on reasons why this may hurt like hell but is ultimately probably a good thing. The dumbest thing I could do is just bury this, not grieve, and not look myself in the mirror and admit that I have suffered a huge loss and a terrible blow to my confidence and yes, my ego. Being truthful with myself is the only way I can ever heal.
Brooxy,
She was losing interest. And she was talking to the ex about a week before I broke up with her. She told me about it a few days after she started talking to him. The only way I could've saved it was to change the frame and make her realize that I would leave her over this. I did that very well I think, but my followup was bad and I sent mixed signals. But like I said above, I aired out a lot of my hurt and questions, and while she couldn't answer many of my questions, it made me feel better just to say things. It was good in the sense of helping me move on.
Because this is such a lengthy thread, there were misconceptions from some posters - and they are seen even in the last few posts. For instance, the sex had not "dried up", we still had sex on a regular basis. She still contacted me every day. She still bought me gifts, showed interest, made time for me, etc. Also, she was also not going over to her ex's house. Misunderstandings like that can color opinions.
Never the less, there were problems (her baggage, my failure to maintain IL and continue to be the alpha male that she fell for) and I did what I had to do.
Some would say that I made a major mistake by spending a lot of time talking to her after the breakup about "what happened?" And I will admit that I broke down crying - hard - in front of her. And it made her cry too. That's just guilt and pity I guess. And flame me if you must. But is this a mistake? From the PU perspective, yes. From the perspective of trying to get her back? Yes. But from EastWind's perspective of grieving, airing out a loss, trying to make sense of a loss, and getting it out of your system, then no I did not make a mistake. I felt that the relationship was DONE and so I didn't want to leave room for confusion, bitterness, anger, and questioning on my part. I needed closure to move on with my life.
EastWind,
I did read your former post and this new one. Thanks for sharing your experience. I actually thought a lot about how you feel you dodged a bullet, and I have tried to focus on reasons why this may hurt like hell but is ultimately probably a good thing. The dumbest thing I could do is just bury this, not grieve, and not look myself in the mirror and admit that I have suffered a huge loss and a terrible blow to my confidence and yes, my ego. Being truthful with myself is the only way I can ever heal.
Brooxy,
She was losing interest. And she was talking to the ex about a week before I broke up with her. She told me about it a few days after she started talking to him. The only way I could've saved it was to change the frame and make her realize that I would leave her over this. I did that very well I think, but my followup was bad and I sent mixed signals. But like I said above, I aired out a lot of my hurt and questions, and while she couldn't answer many of my questions, it made me feel better just to say things. It was good in the sense of helping me move on.
cordoncordon
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Jun 2, 2006
- Messages
- 2,890
- Reaction score
- 109
Her wondering if she should go back to an ex, talking to the ex, even threatening to break up with the OP over the ex.... should "bring them closer"? You are a true idiot and anything you write should be taken with 100000000000000 grains of salt, because I know exactly who you are and why you are writing this way.JustinVerj said:
Hi
cordoncordon
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Jun 2, 2006
- Messages
- 2,890
- Reaction score
- 109
Bingo bango end of fvkcing story! What do some of you need to get some self respect? To actually break up with a girl that is blatantly disrespecting not only the relationship...but you? I mean I know there are some afc's out there, but they are really coming out of the woodwork on this thread. Get a freaking spine!Danger said:
Doesn't matter. I read all these threads with guys saying they went NC and a girl starts banging their door down a month or two later. I don't think that's going to happen here so I won't have the choice to learn the hard way or do the right thing and just tell her to GTFO.
Brooxy
Don Juan
Firstly I have no doubts that 49au "..has options, and plenty of them." as Danger said but at the end of the day, girls that you have a true connection with don't just come along every day. He even said himself that he had never felt the same with anyone else. As far as the misconceptions go about her visiting her ex and the sex drying up are wrong, a major foundation of your argument..
It is a shame that she contacted her ex before you ended it but at least she told you a few days after. It is understandable that she needed "closure" with him considering that she aborted their child together despite the fact that she is from a religeous background. I think you guys are forgetting that her religeous beliefs and talking to her ex along with the abortion all go hand in hand together. She is obviously thinking long term here and thinking about "What if I had kept the baby?". I don't think the religion thing is a pile of bull****, some people are very strong about what they believe.
Lastly as you say:
"Never the less, there were problems (her baggage, my failure to maintain IL and continue to be the alpha male that she fell for)"
You admit yourself that it was your responsibility to maintain IL level, so could you gain that back? Definately.
As far as her baggage goes, could you have dealt with that and got through it together? I believe you could have if you worked at it.
Her baggage is completely related to the traumatic abortion that she had which would have gone completely against her religeous beliefs. As we all know women try to rationalise their behaviour in hindsight and I am guessing she was contacting her ex to gain closure that she did the right thing by terminating her unborn child, despite the huge guilt she would have and still feels. Her friend that recently gave birth would have brought this issue to the foreground. In my opinion if you wanted to make it work it was your job as the man to reassure her that she did the right thing and she would have had better children with you.
It's just a shame that you didn't get what you wanted in the original post. Noone even took that into account when giving you 'advic' they just said to dump her..
It is a shame that she contacted her ex before you ended it but at least she told you a few days after. It is understandable that she needed "closure" with him considering that she aborted their child together despite the fact that she is from a religeous background. I think you guys are forgetting that her religeous beliefs and talking to her ex along with the abortion all go hand in hand together. She is obviously thinking long term here and thinking about "What if I had kept the baby?". I don't think the religion thing is a pile of bull****, some people are very strong about what they believe.
Lastly as you say:
"Never the less, there were problems (her baggage, my failure to maintain IL and continue to be the alpha male that she fell for)"
You admit yourself that it was your responsibility to maintain IL level, so could you gain that back? Definately.
As far as her baggage goes, could you have dealt with that and got through it together? I believe you could have if you worked at it.
Her baggage is completely related to the traumatic abortion that she had which would have gone completely against her religeous beliefs. As we all know women try to rationalise their behaviour in hindsight and I am guessing she was contacting her ex to gain closure that she did the right thing by terminating her unborn child, despite the huge guilt she would have and still feels. Her friend that recently gave birth would have brought this issue to the foreground. In my opinion if you wanted to make it work it was your job as the man to reassure her that she did the right thing and she would have had better children with you.
It's just a shame that you didn't get what you wanted in the original post. Noone even took that into account when giving you 'advic' they just said to dump her..
Looking back, I think what happened with IL was that hers was sky high at first, and her feelings continued to grow deeper, and then at some point I fell for this girl. I felt something for her that I hadn't felt in many years and certainly didn't feel about the women I dated/banged/talked to in the past. I was very jaded and cold.
So I became so incredibly happy about what I was feeling, and finally felt alive again. A woman finally meant something to me again. At that point I think I really lost control of myself, not necessarily the relationship, but my ability to just stay cool. She knew that she had me and I was no longer the huge challenge/value I was in the beginning.
Add in the pressure from school (she doesn't even know if she's going to be living here within a year/200K in debt/now 4th year med/in a year will start residency working ~130hrs a week), the huge emotions invoked by her unmarried best friend (3rd year med also) just having her unplanned baby with her guilt over the abortion, the unresolved feelings of pain from being rejected by an ex she obviously loved deeply, then the realization that she and I were getting serious and she wasn't sure she had the capacity right now to give me the same thing I could give her... it was just too much. As one poster put it, "too much stuff."
Against the backdrop of all that, I don't think it could have worked out. Or maybe it would have, but only on a surface level. Maybe she was the right person, but at the wrong time. Who knows.
So I became so incredibly happy about what I was feeling, and finally felt alive again. A woman finally meant something to me again. At that point I think I really lost control of myself, not necessarily the relationship, but my ability to just stay cool. She knew that she had me and I was no longer the huge challenge/value I was in the beginning.
Add in the pressure from school (she doesn't even know if she's going to be living here within a year/200K in debt/now 4th year med/in a year will start residency working ~130hrs a week), the huge emotions invoked by her unmarried best friend (3rd year med also) just having her unplanned baby with her guilt over the abortion, the unresolved feelings of pain from being rejected by an ex she obviously loved deeply, then the realization that she and I were getting serious and she wasn't sure she had the capacity right now to give me the same thing I could give her... it was just too much. As one poster put it, "too much stuff."
Against the backdrop of all that, I don't think it could have worked out. Or maybe it would have, but only on a surface level. Maybe she was the right person, but at the wrong time. Who knows.
Brooxy
Don Juan
Hmmm, well on the basis of that it sounds like you made the right decision. I wish you the best of luck mate.
