Broke up with my girlfriend, was this message mean?

[inquisitor]

i

I don’t want to ever feel like this again, my stomach is twisting and hurting and i can feel my heart beat out of rhythm. i’ve been with many women before but this hurts so bad

Cool man, cool.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

All of that explaining is irrelevant...it is falling on deaf ears.

The less you say in these situations the better.

Like Burr tells Hamilton..."talk less, smile more... don't let them know what you're against and what you're for..."

 

[CornbreadFed]

You are 21, you will be fine.

 

[hellonwheels]

The biggest lesson you should learn from this is to never send a message like that again. Read the No Contact thread to help move on.

 

[Clockwerk50]

she’s has avoidant attachment style and i have anxious attachment style.

You were making movies in your head. In other words, making mountains out of molehills.

 

[BPH]

Here's how to get over this:

1. Talk to other girls.
2. Actually have sex with them.
3. Repeat steps 1 and 2.

And throw out all this attachment style, love language, star sign bullsh**. You overinvested in this girl emotionally and your relationship had no physical aspect. It's not hard to see why this didn't work. But now you know what NOT to do in the future.

 

[SW15]

Here's how to get over this:

1. Talk to other girls.
2. Actually have sex with them.
3. Repeat steps 1 and 2.

And throw out all this attachment style, love language, star sign bullsh**. You overinvested in this girl emotionally and your relationship had no physical aspect. It's not hard to see why this didn't work. But now you know what NOT to do in the future.

Highly recommend that @recoveringsimp2024 pay attention to this since @BPH is one of the top seducers on the board with a notch count of 90+ while living in a mid-sized metro area in the shadow of a much larger area. Getting a 90+ notch count in that geography has a higher degree of difficult than a 90+ notch count in Miami.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

she’s has avoidant attachment style

No dude, she just wasn't interested in you.

Find somebody else.

 

[Bokanovsky]

i wrote it to her.
i was reading some books trying to understand my attachment style and be a better for her but as i read on it showed me that there’s nothing that can be done

Honestly, this sound more like something a woman would write. They love that pop psychology sh!t.

 

[Thebestthereeveris]

i wrote it to her.
i was reading some books trying to understand my attachment style and be a better for her but as i read on it showed me that there’s nothing that can be done

Bruh. It’s over never send **** like this to a girl. Honest to god best thing to do is ignore her **** a hotter girl and make sure she sees it she’ll come running back I promise

 

[Learning Curve]

she’s has avoidant attachment style and i have anxious attachment style.

Let me understand.

She has been avoiding you because she is attached to you as her way of showing love?

And you have been anxious to get attached to a woman you love?

 

[Canadian_Man]

@taiyuu_otoko has the right idea, it's easy to mistake or rationalize "low interest" for "avoidance".

This sounds like limerance, and is too "intense":

Yes. [To wanting marriage and kids]
i thought she was the one
that’s why i even wanted to change myself for her bro. i don’t say this lightly but i genuinely loved her

 

[H8CourtshipWithAPassion]

i assume the OP is in his 20s

 

[Dr.Suave]

y

Yes first heartbreak, it hurts. i thought i could handle it i can’t i want her back

Yes, It hurts. Yes, you can handle It. No, you dont want her back. Trust me

 

[Barrister]

OP,
Is this your first break up?

You date enough women and you will find that when they break up with you they will not give you an explanation.

Woman think, say and feel the following:
- we do not owe men an explanation
- we do not tell them why we are breaking up with them, we do not better them it’s best to keep them in the dark
- we are not responsible for a grown man’s happiness

Therefore when I break up with women I just say the following, “I’m breaking up with you it’s over”
And that’s it, I walk

Lastly if you do say I’m breaking up with you because of A, B, and C. The woman will negotiate with promises to change A, B, and C which will result in your time wasted for she will go back to her behavior.

OP,
Have a backbone, break up (make it clear it’s over) and walk. You are not responsible for an adults feelings and you do not owe anyone anything.

A woman with experience will know what you just did, it will be all too familiar to her.

True. But another angle they take is to gas light the entire situation into something it isn't. She may have been a huge b1tch to you for no reason and you got tired of it. "Well, you deserved it for the way you look at girls when we go out. I bet you're actually cheating on me aren't you!?" See how that works? And then they run to their family and friends and anyone who will listen and call you a narcissist and that she is pretty sure you were cheating on her. So throw in a little character assassination on top of it.

But otherwise, you are right. Time to walk away and not look back, OP.

 

[BaronOfHair]

i feel bad. idk what to do

Use this as an opportunity to practice making yourself happy. Grab a beer, order some take out, and have several laughs

 

[Macadellic]

True. But another angle they take is to gas light the entire situation into something it isn't. She may have been a huge b1tch to you for no reason and you got tired of it. "Well, you deserved it for the way you look at girls when we go out. I bet you're actually cheating on me aren't you!?" See how that works? And then they run to their family and friends and anyone who will listen and call you a narcissist and that she is pretty sure you were cheating on her. So throw in a little character assassination on top of it.

But otherwise, you are right. Time to walk away and not look back, OP.

When they can’t control you they will control how others view you.

A breakup isn’t with just her, it’s with her entire social circle I won’t have anything to do with.

Let her talk her s/hit she’s just digging her grave.

 

[GearsGod310]

I know things between us haven't always been easy, and I want you to know that I've been doing some reading to understand better where you're coming from and it talks a lot about why people with an avoidant attachment style act the way they do.


you had a rough childhood, your caregivers (probably mom or dad) weren’t present or they neglected you and your needs, that made you feel like you can’t rely on anyone and had to close yourself off to protect yourself from hurting. by not allowing yourself to get emotionally attached to anyone you set up these barriers as a defense mechanism, you had to start doing this at a young age and it became engraved in your personality, it’s not your fault.


you are unable to take attachment issues seriously because you built a defensive shield of self-esteem and self-sufficiency that required negative memories and emotions to be suppressed, i’m sure you don’t remember much from your childhood or you don’t even think about it. you’re out of touch with your feelings and emotions that’s why you can’t talk about them in a meaningful way, remember all the times i’ve asked you to express yourself and you said that you don’t know what to say?



you are afraid of and incapable of tolerating true intimacy and everytime sometimes real surfaces you distance yourself to protect yourself from feeling. i’m not sure if you remember but i told you something way back that you value your independence and i won’t try to change you.

you do that because you want to feel in control and when you begin to feel something it feels like you’re losing control. you’ve had to do this almost your whole life.



i’m not saying this to blame you it’s literally not your fault you’re like this, i have an anxious attachment style i’m the opposite of you but equally had a ****ed up childhood too. i recognize my issues and i’m working on them cause i don’t wanna be like that anymore.


when i reached out to you for assurance or intimacy you took that as a threat to your independence and had to distance yourself and go back to square one, and the more i tried to get closer the more you pushed me away, i’ve asked myself when she doesn’t just leave me why bother with leading me on just to go cold, i didn’t know why until i read that book.



you kept me around to fulfill your needs and when you felt that i was expecting more from you which required you to open up and let down your barriers you felt threatened and as saw me as needy and clingy so you used the methods that have been working for you for all these years. detachment.


i genuinely care for you man and i want the best for you. might not be now but i hope that at some day, you look at this when you genuinely want to change so you know where to start from.

Dude, I was about to read your post but your age caught my eye right before I started. You're 21 man.. No matter what the issue is between you and her - Let her go. You're so young. Go out and meet with different women. Stop investing energy in whatever is going on between you two. You will end up terribly hurt soon if you don't. Move on