Brief hello and a LTR question: How to end it?

[Pillag3r]

I've been cruising this site for a bit now and finally decided to join up. Roughly a year and half ago I had realized that I wanted more out of life, things were bad with my girlfriend of 2 years and I broke it off. I began to change and mold myself more into, what is called here, a DJ. It had always been there, but I let the moldings of my mother and the values of society take place and the AFC shone through.

Unfortunately, I had a birthday about 2 months after the break up and allowed the then ex to take me to dinner. One thing escalated to the next, we slept together, and now, a year later we are living together.

Things have grown stale and I realize again that I really don't want to be with her, which puts me in a quandary. I do care about her as a person, I would even say that I love her (in more of a sister/friend way), so I can't bring myself to just move out on her. She doesn't make nearly what I do and it would be practically impossible for her to live. Friend wise, the few that she has, probably wouldn't/can't take her in and her parents live far away.

I also know that she still loves me and wants us to be together. In my own mind I think she has the same feelings I do, but it's deep down and buried under all that emotional female garbage which prevents her from acknowledging it.

To not ramble on any further, I'll boil it down to two questions:
1: Is there any way to make her realize what she denies herself...if so, then how?
2. How do I get out of such a sticky situation? I know the responses to this will be "Man up; Just do it." However, if you have been here than you know that after almost 4 years of being together, it isn't just that simple.

On a side note, I'm looking for intelligent, articulated comments here. If need to call me a bytch...then by all means, do so....but at least try to provide a bit of insight.


Thanks in advance !


CN: Howdy. Been with g/f almost 4 years (broke-up...got back together one year ago). Live together. She cant support herself w/o me. Still care about her as a person. Want out of it, but how? How to make her realize its never going to work?

 

[Charm]

I'd like to start out by calling you a bytch just because you asked to be called one, you nice guy wannabe jerk. Ok now onto the advice.

1: Is there any way to make her realize what she denies herself...if so, then how?

Who knows for sure? You could try but you probably have for a long time. Without becoming somebody else with their experience and attitude, even if I gave you the right things to say, how you say them might not come accross and it would be lost in translation. I would say perhaps to your question, but it is unlikely given your situation.

2. How do I get out of such a sticky situation? I know the responses to this will be "Man up; Just do it." However, if you have been here than you know that after almost 4 years of being together, it isn't just that simple.
There is no easy way out of this situation and I think you are looking for one that makes your ego feel good, you wont find one. Ever heard of the hangedman in tarot? Read about that card and you'll see your situation in a nutshell. Basically your fear of the unknown prevents you from living an illuminated and rewarding life because your present situation is holding you back from your true potential. You think you are helping her by not moving out and moving on, but in fact you are hurting her because you are preventing her from having somebody else in her life that actually deep down wants to be with her the way you once did.

What you need to do first and foremost is communicate with her that you are planning on moving out in X number of days and she needs to figure out what she's going to do. By communicating that you are seperating from her you are making it clear to her that she needs to figure out how she's going to move onto her life. If she has a problem with this which she most likely will at first due to most people's reaction to adapting to change you'll want to explain to her that you are not happy and are not fulfilled in the relationship you have with her and want to live seperately as soon as possible. Tell her to figure out how she is going to move out within the next week and that you'll discuss her options with her to make sure they coordinate with your plans.

She might fight this all tooth and nail in which case you will need to be assertive in your decision and not be spineless like you have become used to being. If you truly care about her, you'd want her to have someone who truly wanted to be with her and your current situation makes that impossible. Time to stop lying to yourself. The only way to make her realize it will never work is to take action towards the seperation. Tell her you are moving your stuff out on such and such a date and she'll need to be moved out the week prior to that.

Good luck, this won't be easy but it will be extremely fulfilling and allow for you to grow if you actually follow your instincts.

 

[Pillag3r]

LOL, thanks for calling me a bytch !

Everything you have said has run through my mind many of times. I just don't understand why I can't force myself to do what I need to do, especially when I've done it before. I need to make myself realize that there really is no "easy way out."

I can't even begin to explain how happy I was when we had previously broken up...It was as if a building was lifted off of my shoulders and carried away...yet I allowed myself to be drawn back into her ruse that she had returned to the girl I was once in love with.....ah well.... c'est la vie

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...Unfortunately, I had a birthday about 2 months after the break up and allowed the then ex to take me to dinner. One thing escalated to the next, we slept together, and now, a year later we are living together. ...

DOH!!! Was the poon that good???!!!

You need to sit her down and have a true heart to heart with her. Don't do it off the cuff either. Think about what you are going to say and what she will say (and do) to retort. You have to plan for contingencies. You're in a tough state since she depends on you so you may need to go the extra mile and help her how to figure out how to sustain her lifestyle herself.

This is just proof that it's not always good to have a woman adore you AND depend on you. If you ever need to remove her it's like severing a appendage that's going gang-green. Cut it off and it will surely die but if you don't it will surely suck the life out of you. QUALIFY fellas, qualify, qualify, qualify.....

 

[Gangster Of Love]

If the roles were reversed, and most men here will agree, a woman would have no problem dropping her needy, boring, nice guy, borefriend if she realized there was more to her than her current situation. That would probably happen if she found somebody new (they always have somebody warming up in the bullpen) who got her going the way her boyfriend used to.

We get those posts here all too often. You know, the one where the guy was so nice, so accomodating, and did everything, yet does not understand why she left him, cheated on him, and won't give things a chance.

The point is, you need to sack it up and do what is best for you. She is an adult, hopefully, and needs to start being responsible for her life and not rely on you. You cannot let guilt, you being comfortable, and the past hold you back from what you want for yourself.

If needed, give her plenty of notice and assist her with things, but don't let her make you feel like the bad guy and don't fall for her guit trip.

 

[Pillag3r]

DOH!!! Was the poon that good???!!!

You need to sit her down and have a true heart to heart with her. Don't do it off the cuff either. Think about what you are going to say and what she will say (and do) to retort. You have to plan for contingencies. You're in a tough state since she depends on you so you may need to go the extra mile and help her how to figure out how to sustain her lifestyle herself.

This is just proof that it's not always good to have a woman adore you AND depend on you. If you ever need to remove her it's like severing a appendage that's going gang-green. Cut it off and it will surely die but if you don't it will surely suck the life out of you. QUALIFY fellas, qualify, qualify, qualify.....

Ya, it seems every time we get into an argument and the subject of "us" comes up, we always end it with a "well, I dont know what to do." Thats exactly what led me to end it in the first place. The other times that I had tried a planned convo, she always would seem to have some sort of retort or question that I had no answer to..and it stalled the entire process...

Do you think there is any way to "drop the bomb," then bail out of the house for a while? Or is that a wuss/bastardly move ?

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...Do you think there is any way to "drop the bomb," then bail out of the house for a while? Or is that a wuss/bastardly move ?

You don't need to "drop a bomb" however hiding will do you less good. Why not do it like a woman would? She'd sit you down and give some excuse about it being her and not you...

Actually, I would (and have in the past) said that I don't feel the chemistry and feel that it won't be there to the extent that you'd like it to be. Stay away from any specific examples because all that will do is give her points to argue against. Go in there with a plan and execute.

 

[Pillag3r]

I'm def. going to be devising a plan. Thanks for all the advice...please....keep it coming. I really dont think there are enough "How to Break-up" threads here anyhow. Relationship advice to me is kind of like tuning a car....if you make it fast, you need to make it stop too.

 

[Pillag3r]

anyone else?

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Are you looking for some elaborate plan that will take weeks to implement so that you can put off doing what you know needs to be done now?

 

[Pillag3r]

No...

I know what needs to be done, I just wanted a little insight to help tell myself that.

Figured I'd give it a bump just in case anyone wanted to add something helpful to me or to others.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

... I just wanted a little insight to help tell myself that....

Because????

 

[Pillag3r]

I think i chose the wrong framing of words. I know what I need to do and have known for some time. I just don't have a clue about how to go about it...other than being a blatant a-hole and destroying the life of someone I actually do care about.

A simple analogy: I feel as though I'm trapped in a room. I know I want to leave, but the lights are off and there is shyt all over the floor in the path to the door.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

First and foremost don't talk about the situation with any mutual friend. People seem to enjoy cutting others off at the knees in order to "do the right thing."

Have the conversation on neutral ground, preferable out in public but not TOO out in public. You don't want to do it anywhere that has emotional connection with her. The situation will be emotional enough without any outside help.

I'll have to say this too, do it face to face. It'll be the closure that she needs (hopefully). Be a man and show her how serious the situation is to you by actively being a participant in it. No emails, no text messages, no voicemails.

Keep it simple. No excuses, no examples, nothing that will give her fodder to argue her side of things. It'll belabor the issue and make it even more difficult. I think this is how you ended up back in this mess with her eventually moving in with you. Show a women your heartstrings when its advantageous to them and they will play them like a virtuoso.

Finally, don't change your mind. You made this decision for a reason, right??? She'll try to argue her point especially if you start listing specific situations which caused you to make your decision. Again, don't bring them up.

Oh yeah, be ready for the waterworks. She's either going to turn on Niagara Falls or she is going to get as angry as a cage fighter. It's even possible that she'll do both. Be prepared to reiterate the breakup and walk away if necessary. Watch your back for flying objects.

Any questions?

 

[Pillag3r]

Thank you for all the input. I'm going to work on somewhat of a script for myself.

 

[Walk the Air]

Pillager,

I know exactly where you are at right now man. I just went through a very similar situation/breakup with my LTR of 3.5 years.

Like you said, you are still in love with her (for who she is, and what she will always mean to you), but in a more friendly/"I hope to always be there for you way, but probably wont"... Its fine though. After investing so much time and emotion into each other, you SHOULD feel that way. If you didnt, then you really, really are blind to the entire situation.

Francisco nailed it. You dont need a "plan", or a "script". I thought about it for months, how I could end it and make it so that its all fairytale'esque, and no sour emotions came from it. Well it wont and cannot be. It basically got to the point where we were on our bed, and she asked about us. I told her flat out... Its not working (and believe me, it was the hardest thing Ive ever done. Cold approaching a girl is fvcking childs play compared to how hard it was).

Obviously she cried, basically freaked out (as in I just killed her kind of freak out), and I cried to, alot. It was one of the most intense moments of my life. But it was a long time coming, and it was one of the most liberating feelings Ive ever had. I told her that I will always love her (I still do of course), and that I will try to be there for her. She said the same thing. Will it happen? Maybe for awhile, but this is how we have decided to deal with it I guess. We had to live together for 3 months after we broke up since her new condo had a 90 day possession wait-period. There was a few "rough" moments to be sure, but we kept the communication open and things worked out well.

She finally moved out two weeks ago, and we've talked on the phone two or three times since, but its over. I hope she finds someone that makes her as happy as she deserves to be, even though the thought of it still gets my stomach in knots... We are both grown up, and we will both move on. Ive already been working on it, four numbers in two weeks after a 3.5 year hiatus, not bad eh?

You can do it to, but you just have to -do it-. Dont be afraid. I promise you that in the end she will thank you for not stringing her along for fear of disrupting the routine relationship you have established together. If you care about her enough, you will have the balls to just give her the truth. Dont fvck with her heart because the bomb your about to drop will do that anyways.

Good luck man. Its going to hurt you both, but such is life. I promise you it will be worth it once its over.

 

[Pillag3r]

Thanks a lot for those comments Walk, you nailed it 100% on how I feel.

A little update: Saturday she decides that we need to "talk." We had just left her friends wedding and stopped at our place to change for the reception happening in about 30mins. Great timing huh? I try to stress to her that I really dont want to talk about "this" right now. But she wont let us leave until we do. She starts by saying that we need to work on our communication and blah blah blah. Well, long story short, I tell her that I just dont see it working out for us. Unfortunately, examples of situations came up (sorry Francisco)...she tried defending herself and this and that then she ended up getting upset and tried to just up and leave until I told her we really needed to go to the reception (half an hour late now mind you) and if we didnt how rude it would be and yatta yatta.

So basically now I really dont know where things stand with us. Probably just went in one ear and out the other with her, as usual...

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

... Unfortunately, examples of situations came up (sorry Francisco)...she tried defending herself and this and that then she ended up getting upset and tried to just up and leave until I told her we really needed to go to the reception (half an hour late now mind you) and if we didnt how rude it would be and yatta yatta.

Well, at least you knew what was coming. I think since you were prepared you were able to handle it well. I'm guessing that she was feeling the tension and needed to broach the situation in order to control the situation, kinda like whomever makes the first move in a game of chess.

...
So basically now I really dont know where things stand with us.

What???!!!

...
Probably just went in one ear and out the other with her, as usual...

It might be beneficial to you to make sure that isn't the case. She's expecting you to sacrifice a pawn again, use your knight instead and put the queen in check.

 

[Pillag3r]

lol...love the chess analogy !

Well the conversation was basically just dropped and we went on with the evening not talking about anything again since.

I dont really know what else I can tell her...its like she wants some long drawn out explanation of things that I cant give. I told her I wasnt happy and even though I still love and care for her that I didnt think that our relationship was going to work.

 

[Gangster Of Love]

We're still talking about this? Just do it.

sounds like you are addicted to your own struggles. You like the rush of emotions that these type of situations give you. The male version of the drama queen we all know. Do you feel powerful by the fact that she relies on you, and that gives you some type of control over her future?

You don't know what to do? Or you can't do it? Give me her number, I'll call her and explain it to her for you.