I've been listening to an mp3 from approachanxiety.com called "Acclimate yourself" and this has had useful suggestions to looking at the possible reasons I may be afraid of approaching as a function of particular phobias in relationships.
In analysis of everything I have noticed the following things about myself in past 'relationships/friendships/dating interactions' that would reveal the presence of a few inner game issues - I'll be going over them and trying to discuss how this hinders my approaches:
1) Trust / Confidence issues (discovered on an oneitis crush last year)
- Everything is usually pretty much scripted, not much room for real spontenuity and must be rigid in performance as though I was walking on a tight-rope and could fall a thousand feet down if I lose my balance.
- Would not feel comfortable staying an extended time together with a girl for fear of 'breaking-down' socially and not knowing what to do, yet paradoxically, on the same token, would feel I'm missing out on having the fun companionship of a woman being with me if I dont spend an extended time together with a girl.
- Would not feel that I measure up or am good enough.
How this relates to approaches: I feel like I'm walking on a tight-rope if I try an approach, and if I make any mistake, that I'm going to fall down or something. If the girl does take me on, suppose I get stuck and do not know what to say and get stuck there fumbling for an excuse to keep the conversation going - but if I dont get anywhere with the girl then I'll feel aware of my loss as another guy will either have her if I do not succeed and I may feel I've missed someone. Self-esteem is usually on the low end with approaches since I dont view myself as a relaxed, cool, humorous confident guy and would probably be like a stiff and would be blown out with the competition.
Confidence issues are often related to trust issues - for example, if you do not trust a normal response from the person you are approaching, and think she's going to freak out, blow the police whistle, or just stare at you rather than connect with what you are trying to do, that sort of hampers things.
2) Will get very angry at someone who is manipulative with me or plays games with me. Will not likely get angry at someone who just ignores me or rejects me outright, but may place allot of stock on someone who actually takes me on and either put them on a pedistle or have unreasonable expectations, which may make me more vulnerable or suspecptible to game playing.
Relation with approaches: This will just show off in my eyes and vibe the wrong way when I'm doing these approaches. I'm always concerned with how I'm vibing or coming across - and feel I have this chronic state of sadness and desperation of 'looking for a friend' look in my face which I think if hurting my approach game up - it is sort of this 'pity-me, be my friend', look that I'm afraid of projecting, but feel it gets subconciously projected and feel like sitting duck so to speak with extreme emotions that could go very high or low like a drug depending on how the person I'm approaching responds.
3) Emotionally unavailable. Relationship this year came apart since I was virtually unavailable emotionally, despite wanting to be in a relationship, not fully 100% attracted to the girl and it came apart.
Relation to approaches: If I'm not 100% attracted to the girl I'm approaching and want to do a practise run, then I'm not going to be emotionally available and the approach may come across wierd. My mind is usually somewhere else and I'm not living in the moment - so in a sence everything is seen like an abstraction as opposed to reality - but I cant get out of the abstraction, and thus cant make that jump to feel like I'm really there and tend to stay in my shell. If I have a crush-like attraction, only then my mind may be slightly more focused on her and trying to make a connection.
Thus, I'm worried I may give a zombie like reaction or just go stiff just after an approach for someone I'm not interested in, or just generally have a low energy level.
4) Inadequacy issues -- from first oneieits -
Approach relations: Do not feel like I'm a man, but rather a boy in a man's body, or do not feel like I'm a normal type of guy that has a normal trajectory of romantic/sexual experience that most people have had in their late teens or twenties but tend to feel like a teenager inside an adult body or feel like some sort of social-misfit or freak and therefore unworthy to make an approach compared to a normal guy.
5) SAVED BY THE BELL. Have cancelled dates when there is an exotic and anamolous excuse for aborting - subconciously produced excuses that are deceptively convincing (i.e. such as cell phone breaking down, or a weather warning (but it's for later), parents going to an anniversary.
Feel this is some how related to the living environment and way I'm brought up to 'stay away from trouble' so to speak and mind my own business.
Approach relations: "Saved by the Bell, I dont have to approach"
Like in recess, when the bell rings when you were next to deliver that speech or presentation and everyone has to leave, sort of the same effect here.
Approaches entail risks - you are breaking the social norm of the task-related north american society - the easy route is of course, not to approach and just mind your own business because you dont know what trouble can await. Naturally the tendency will be to look for a good excuse not to approach where I wont feel bad or that I'm failing myself if I dont approach. Sometimes risks are necessary and good because they could lead to a higher reward pay-off - behaviour to date seems to be no risk or low risk, leading to likely no pay-off at all.
I'm open to suggestions to dealing with the above inner game issues as solving any one of them could lead to better approach performance and less hesitation and analysis.
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This is inner-game reference on approaches for file, but in no way constitutes an excuse for not following through to continue on approaches.
Small incremental steps will be taken next week - for example, I dont go out much to meet girls, so next week, I may just go to different parts of my local area to hang-out by myself for about a half hour or hour -- and next Saturday, meet that girl again that works at the weight loss clinc that I'm part of - rather than looking for excuses not to do so.
Then some low-risk functinonal openers (time, directions, business card introduction (business approach style) may be done for up to 20 girls, which about half may be older (only limitation) lonely-looking women before doing the other 50 (70 girls) for opener practise.
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a)
People will not get angry or upset at me if I just do an approach or it shouldn't end badly, but if I berate them for something, they probably would, but this wont happen doing a simple approach since it's not at that level. Since I dont accuse or berate girls on approaching, there should be no problems.
b)
Low energy level, tired, etc... need way to increase this energy level, but cant seem to do it, unsure of cause of chronic lethargic low energy level. Energy level will likely go up with a few approaches are done anyway - would have to have a conversation with a few people first, including guys, to warm up. Since I dont talk much at all to anyone or dont have friends or relatives in real life to have conversations with in a day then this could be a focal point of another problem that has to be handled in some way. Since most interactions with people are for a purpose or are essentially task-orientated - approaches would be seen in the same way that unless it fits a practical role of some task I would feel very uncomfortable with it.
Recommendation to myself: To halt public approaches and focus on either joining small groups where I can interact with the members or look for a part-time job where I would have more opportunities just to talk to people in some way - where conversing with people is essential - such as a waiter. However, I've found a solution to this - I'll just be giving out business cards or asking for directions when I'll be doing the next 20 or so approaches which would give it a functional purpose that goes away from 'is she going to like me or reject me'.
