BPD ex.... 3 months out - need some advice

ScottMustaine

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Skalioppe said:
This sounds like Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), it's on the PD spectrum. Google it and tell me if she fits the traits....
A person with narcissistic personality disorder may:

React to criticism with rage, shame, or humiliation Yes, heavily.

Take advantage of other people to achieve his or her own goals Seen it, she never admitted.

Have excessive feelings of self-importance Really a lot. Points about her greatness

Exaggerate achievements and talents This especially. She didn't graduate from collage, and she thinks she's at the level of professors on faculties. I on the other hand was said in school I got level of knowledge 4 years ahead in that subject. But I never pointed it out except to her as a contra argument. Which she used as ' You're putting me down.'

Be preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love Yes. She points all the time how she's so fit, sexy, hot, and how every single person points her eyes at you, even girls.

Have unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment
You're not a gentleman, you ,must talk to me !

Need constant attention and admiration Never shown this thing.

Disregard the feelings of others, and have little ability to feel empathy

She always puts her problems, and everything that is wrong, she either calls ' sensitive, paranoid, obsessed.'

Have obsessive self-interest Yes. When she needs to do something. She won't postpone it. When I need... I 'must' do it. Though I have never listened to any of her orders. I'd cool them off.

Pursue mainly selfish goals Her goal in life so to be famous model and be respect for that... For being a doll.



Now I thought I had narcisstic disorder. So I will answer as objective as I can. Many people tell me I am arrogant, I don't show feelings ( I have deeply inside of me, I just feel people look at you as a weaker man when you show them. I got empathy that when I see violence it really hits me hard with sadness.), and 'think I know everything' . Point is I am trying to be well versed in aspects of life that are usable. So when I break someones myth and continue to show them arguments, they defend like that.


Here it comes.


React to criticism with rage, shame, or humiliation

I hate it when people show disrespect as in humiliation or trying to shame someone for no reason. I may react from really agressive verbal talk, to cold look. When somebody nicely tells me about my bad things I don't take it by heart. I try to simply to understand his point and fix myself, if I think it's needed.

Take advantage of other people to achieve his or her own goals

I always try to payback everyone who helped me. I only take advantage of people who were evil to me. Like she did.

Have excessive feelings of self-importance


I don't know if it's excessive. But as a musician, in todays music world, which is not for entertainment, but also mass control, I feel that every musician is important if he becomes popular, or thinks he has what it's needed to get on top. I for one try to make world a better place with lyrics in my music, would probably sacrifice my life if it would help billions of people. Christ did it. No use. Try again different way.

Exaggerate achievements and talents


Now, this is where I thought I may be sometimes over valuing myself.

For example on contest I was said to be the guitar player of it. I couldn't help it but tell everyone what happened. And when my girlfriend would point out how she is so beatiful in whole town i'd say " well, you got lucky, somebody here got voted for best lead guitar player. ;) "

I believe I got really great talent in fast learning and developing. Reason.

My score on the end of school year was 4/5

I literally would study 30 minutes before the test would start. Around 20-30 full pages. I may be arrogant , but it happens.

Be preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love

Not really. I sometimes just want to live normal life. But most of time I want to do something in this world that will change it for good, masivelly, invent something new, which will people respect and use my figure as further Inspiration.

Have unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment

This not. I feel bad when somebody does something without me asking.
I hate it when someone buys me random things without me asking .Which I never do, unless I think i need it.

Need constant attention and admiration

Okay. I never really had attention and admiration. So I developed as one who hungers it from time to time. I like being in the center of attention, not for over than 2 hours. Band time playing. When in groups, I try to maintain some high status. I don't need to be the leader of the pack. But I don't want to be perceived as some sore loser sitting on the couch, so I take some action to be seen.

On the other hand. I had girlfriend who would constantly praise me and obsessivly text me 15 times a day. Telling me how I am cool, great, sexy.

You got it. She's an ex. I started feeling overrated.


Disregard the feelings of others, and have little ability to feel empathy


Not. I got really great empathy for others and understand how many people feel and want.

Have obsessive self-interest

Play guitar like a maniac. Reason ?

I was suicidal after my dad wanted to kill me. I picked old rusty guitar and started playing it. Soon it became routine and a place where I could use both hemispheres of my brain and channel my emotions. Using words simply doesn't cut it for me.

Pursue mainly selfish goals

I want to become famous person who changed the world to be a better place.
Famous because I could be later as inspiration used.

I share with people many things. Only if I think they deserve it. I don't buy random people drinks, give them things. Which my mother thinks is selfish.


Okay there you go, if you got questions ask ! :)
 

Jair213

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PeakIV said:
Tony, PM me with your email address and I will send you a pdf file that I knocked up over the last year.

Read it all the way through and then tell me you don't feel any different.
can you also send me that pdf file
 

jaygreenb

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I'm the OP. Just curious if this is what is considered a hoover? I am feeding her brothers dog this weekend because he is camping for the weekend. I'm pretty sure she would know this. So I go over there yesterday and the dog is gone. She is the only one who would take him, niether one of us have contacted each other in months, although I did run into her at the liquor store a few weeks ago. I know she has been seeing someone for the past month or so. So anyway I text her before I start searching for this dog.

Me:Did you take jill?
her:eek:ops, yeah....please don't tell my brother!!!
Me: you got it
Her:phew! thx! I owe you a drink for that:)

Anyway, I am probably just overanalyzing this, but my gut tells me she did it on purpose and I know how sneaky these ####'s can be.
 

Buddha_Mind

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jaygreenb said:
The on/off for over a year completely broke my confidence and self esteem to the point I knew this girl was going to ruin me if I stayed with her.
Remember saying this? Sounds like sending her a text was an excuse to interact with her--why not text her brother directly? Clearly you wanted a reason to interact with her, but now she's back in your mind again.

Just be careful that's all I'm saying. Considering your past relationship with her family and her brother being one of your good friends, you're not in an easy place--going no contact is impossible in some ways as I'm sure via other family members she is aware of what's going on in your life.

It just seems to me, a total 3rd party who only knows what you said here--that you should avoid these beer requests, etc, unless you feel confident you can resist getting yourself sucked back into whatever games/circles you were caught in. Some people can do this--I am a sap and fall easily so I always really struggle in this regard.

Hang in there man, text another lady instead nxt time, I am sure it is impossible to disconnect from everything you've been through the feelings might still be fresh and she may be addictive in some ways--but with time things will keep fading. You are in a tough spot, hang in there buddy, try to bond with other women to create something new.

I struggle with letting go a great deal myself.
 

pennsteric

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Advice / Am I stuck in this forever?

I dated the receptionist at my small office (~15 people) for about 3-4 months, where 2 months of it was a complete disaster with a self aware BPD chic (although she did not tell me until after we broke in a failed hoover manuever).

Last out of work contact was mid July, but see her most days at work. First 2 months we hardly talked and she was intentionally avoiding me. Then late Sept/early Oct she acted 'normal' towards me for the most part, and I have been cordial back.

However she is dating another guy at work who now ignores/treats me much differently than in the past so I suspect she is spreading lies/etc. about me at least to him and probably a few others. Making this really uncomfortable.

Been depressed, have sleep issues, self esteem shot to 0, affecting work significantly. Seems like I am struggling to keep job, friends, etc.

This is all despite having a great family, a VERY understanding girlfriend (which there was overlap with the BPD), and some therapy...

Amazing what these BPD chics can do to a guy....You think it wise to discuss anything with the other dude at work?
 

TonyBaloney

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Hey buddy,

My sincere condolences on your situation; i think all the other contributors to bpd threads will understand and sympathise with what your going through; I most certainly can!

I would most definately find very very sublime techniques for casing this guy out. Perhaps a general chat mundane chat about the weather to him, could be turned around to something like "Hows it going with Kate? Cool that you guys got together. Shes a geat gal, aint she! Full of fun" that could illicit a response from him saying"what do you mean" u could be like "hang on man, are u ok? Why the negative response.....thought it all ended good with her, is she pissed off at me or something????"

Good luck bro - keep posting to the boad REGULARLY....seems like you could do with BROSUPPORT!!!!!!
 

jaygreenb

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Hey bud, I am the OP for this thread. I can promise you it absolutely gets better as long as you take the proper steps. I thought about giving an update a while back in gratitude for all the help that was given to me. I can honestly tell you that this will be a positive experience if you treat it the right way. I went on a massive self improvement kick from the begining. The first few months I still felt horrible and obsessed but kept doing the right things even when I didn't feel up to it, eventually all of this comes together and you are a better person. A few of the posters comments really stuck with me, Brad and SoSuave especially.

As for talking to that guy, don't even feed it any attention at all. Who cares what this girl thinks/does/says, she is a miserable c*nt and will always be that way. Treat her like the plague, avoid her or anything that you associate with her at all costs especially while you are healing.

I did a number of things to get over her and improve my life, if you want I can fill you in on what helped me. Just let me know
 

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All I can say is this is a very lengthy process.Shari Screibers site, along with extensive counseling sessions to assess why you are seeking out that kind of dysfunction to begin with.It likely roots back to childhood and your family.Become aware of it, and the flags to those kind of individuals in the future.I also had a trainer for the first few months to box and beat the **** out of to get my aggression out.3.5 years later I am largely back to normal, but regress a bit now and then.I am very gun shy on new relationships.All in due time.
 

Johnny Alias

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Bumping this thread. Peak are you still out there? Can you e-mail me PDF? I can't seem to privately message you as I don't have the rights?
 

dg2175

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Wow, two borderlines later and over 4 years since the last post. Just want to say how much I derived from reading this thread and how many times I return to it for clarity and sanity. Hope everyone here has found peace and love. What a great resource here. Wish this thread would continue...be careful of the counterfeit hearts and demon souls out there waiting to pounce.
 

MasterAce

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Top thread. I'm 8 weeks NC from that mind-f*cking witch. I've never felt guilt like I did when she ended it. I lost 10 kilos, and transformed from a confident, secure, ****y, care-free, ladies' man before meeting her, into a quivering wreck.

And one of the most laughable things since learning about this disorder? It’s that all the things I was guilty about (refusing to cave into her endless demands to marry and live with her, being cold and distant, not truly falling in love etc) was the probable reason she stuck with me for 4 years.

I now know if I had have been the total opposite, she'd still have destroyed with consequences that don’t bear thinking about. She only ended it because she was convinced I was going to. I wasn't. We were LDR - perfect for pwBPD - and perfect for me who has no time for full on commitments. She was stunning, did all the travelling, treated me like a king, top kinky porno-sex on tap, perfect body, perfect company (I love my own company, damn she was good at mirroring) endless gifts, a deep love I couldn’t even begin to comprehend, so much affection, why would I give that up?

And then in my FOG post B/U, I thought I must be crazy to not be able to fall in love and treat this woman in the way she treated me. When she ended it and let me know why, I was sure I was the incarnation of evil. And this was despite her making damn sure I was aware that she was dating a new guy within days.

My family had never seen me this way over a B/U. I was a guilt ridden mess, overcome by fear, panic and depression.

I eventually spoke to a psychotherapist who was more interested in her than me. It all became evident, the therapist was an expert in BPD, and all the red flags I propelled deep into my subconscious and, consequentially ignored, came flooding out. I’d been dating a high functioning BPD waif.

I didn't fall for her because she is sick. And this is a disorder which only proves to be more terrifying when you learn more about it. But her BPD traits were always in the back of my mind and acted as an unconscious defence mechanism. I could have done as she asked, moved to her country, got married, and sooner or later I'd have ended up a homeless, jobless, suicide case in a foreign country.

It doesn't matter if you're alpha, beta, narc, blah blah; these people are the devil and WILL destroy you. And I'm one of the 'lucky' ones. I now have zero confidence, have no interest in seeing other girls and am living like a hermit.

I know I'll recover one day, but let this be a lesson to any of you reading. When you witness some of the BPD traits, DO NOT IGNORE THEM, just get the f*ck out ASAP. They truly are emotional vampires.

I’m not even going to go into how she was when splitting, mirroring, manipulating, raging and so forth. It still makes me shudder. And you know what's truly f*cked up? I'd still take her back! That's how crazy they make you. And I'll only recover when the addiction finally ends. And only full NC forever will achieve that.
 

BeTheChange

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Top thread. I'm 8 weeks NC from that mind-f*cking witch. I've never felt guilt like I did when she ended it. I lost 10 kilos, and transformed from a confident, secure, ****y, care-free, ladies' man before meeting her, into a quivering wreck.

And one of the most laughable things since learning about this disorder? It’s that all the things I was guilty about (refusing to cave into her endless demands to marry and live with her, being cold and distant, not truly falling in love etc) was the probable reason she stuck with me for 4 years.

I now know if I had have been the total opposite, she'd still have destroyed with consequences that don’t bear thinking about. She only ended it because she was convinced I was going to. I wasn't. We were LDR - perfect for pwBPD - and perfect for me who has no time for full on commitments. She was stunning, did all the travelling, treated me like a king, top kinky porno-sex on tap, perfect body, perfect company (I love my own company, damn she was good at mirroring) endless gifts, a deep love I couldn’t even begin to comprehend, so much affection, why would I give that up?

And then in my FOG post B/U, I thought I must be crazy to not be able to fall in love and treat this woman in the way she treated me. When she ended it and let me know why, I was sure I was the incarnation of evil. And this was despite her making damn sure I was aware that she was dating a new guy within days.

My family had never seen me this way over a B/U. I was a guilt ridden mess, overcome by fear, panic and depression.

I eventually spoke to a psychotherapist who was more interested in her than me. It all became evident, the therapist was an expert in BPD, and all the red flags I propelled deep into my subconscious and, consequentially ignored, came flooding out. I’d been dating a high functioning BPD waif.

I didn't fall for her because she is sick. And this is a disorder which only proves to be more terrifying when you learn more about it. But her BPD traits were always in the back of my mind and acted as an unconscious defence mechanism. I could have done as she asked, moved to her country, got married, and sooner or later I'd have ended up a homeless, jobless, suicide case in a foreign country.

It doesn't matter if you're alpha, beta, narc, blah blah; these people are the devil and WILL destroy you. And I'm one of the 'lucky' ones. I now have zero confidence, have no interest in seeing other girls and am living like a hermit.

I know I'll recover one day, but let this be a lesson to any of you reading. When you witness some of the BPD traits, DO NOT IGNORE THEM, just get the f*ck out ASAP. They truly are emotional vampires.

I’m not even going to go into how she was when splitting, mirroring, manipulating, raging and so forth. It still makes me shudder. And you know what's truly f*cked up? I'd still take her back! That's how crazy they make you. And I'll only recover when the addiction finally ends. And only full NC forever will achieve that.
Mate keep it up.

I look back at the position I was in June/July and it shocks me. If you're unaware of their nature these BPDs can destroy even the most alpha men.

Live and learn and know that eventually you will be fine and much stronger having been through this experience. When you deal with other women's games they will be laughable in comparison to what you've been through and it will give you an air of complete amused mastery. The last few months is probably the worst you will ever feel in your life but you had to go through it to become the man that cannot be broken. Robocop.
 

Mikeman123

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i dunno guys i just got wrecked by my ex bpd gf, she broke up with me 6 weeks ago and i still cry like a baby every day and honestly don't think i'm going to make it through this, the love(real or not), appreciation, adoration, and passion i felt during the idealization phase blew my mind, i have never felt more alive, more purposeful, everything in my life finally made sense and seemed worth it, i've never felt like that in my life ever ever ever and doubt i ever will again

i almost broke up with her twice cuz of her being cold and constantly pulling away and saying some really
hurtful **** to me, every time i did she cried and begged me to take her back and she would go to therapy with me and all this and i did take her back both times, then one day we have a fight cuz her ex husband was crazy and she always fukin stood up for him which drove me nuts, and she ended it bam, right out of the blue and turned on me overnight and said some incredibly brutal **** to me

we were going to get married in a year, she was tried multiple times to get me to take the condom off and get her pregnant and she even wore a fake wedding ring for me and called herself my fiancé and i wasn't the most amazing guy she had ever been with, her soul mate her twin flame her everything she has never felt like this about another human being blah blah blah

fuking gutwrenchinly heart crushing how they can just flip on u overnight and she had a new bf within 4 weeks and is posting **** with him and her all over her facebook (i don't look but my friends told me) she's been nc since she ended it with me and i've been nc with her since she did too and it's taking everything inside me to not call her and beg for her back, i fuking loved this woman so much i would have done anything for her :/

fml how do i even move forward from this i just don't see a way or a future...
 

BeTheChange

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i dunno guys i just got wrecked by my ex bpd gf, she broke up with me 6 weeks ago and i still cry like a baby every day and honestly don't think i'm going to make it through this, the love(real or not), appreciation, adoration, and passion i felt during the idealization phase blew my mind, i have never felt more alive, more purposeful, everything in my life finally made sense and seemed worth it, i've never felt like that in my life ever ever ever and doubt i ever will again

i almost broke up with her twice cuz of her being cold and constantly pulling away and saying some really
hurtful **** to me, every time i did she cried and begged me to take her back and she would go to therapy with me and all this and i did take her back both times, then one day we have a fight cuz her ex husband was crazy and she always fukin stood up for him which drove me nuts, and she ended it bam, right out of the blue and turned on me overnight and said some incredibly brutal **** to me

we were going to get married in a year, she was tried multiple times to get me to take the condom off and get her pregnant and she even wore a fake wedding ring for me and called herself my fiancé and i wasn't the most amazing guy she had ever been with, her soul mate her twin flame her everything she has never felt like this about another human being blah blah blah

fuking gutwrenchinly heart crushing how they can just flip on u overnight and she had a new bf within 4 weeks and is posting **** with him and her all over her facebook (i don't look but my friends told me) she's been nc since she ended it with me and i've been nc with her since she did too and it's taking everything inside me to not call her and beg for her back, i fuking loved this woman so much i would have done anything for her :/

fml how do i even move forward from this i just don't see a way or a future...
I feel you man. Being painted black is probably the most brutal psychological journey one can go through in the realm of dating.The cognitive dissonance one experiences in this discard phase is fvcking brutal. Don't try too hard to understand her. Just accept that you are not dealing with a psychologically healthy individual. Rather a child who has not learnt to deal with regulating her emotions.
 

Mikeman123

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can i please talk to someone on here please guys, i'm barley making it day to day and no one understands what this is like all my friends and family just don't get it they are like move on and keep busy, i can barely make it through a day with my own thoughts about her, i need to talk to someone who understands how it feels to be with a woman like this

fml
 

wolf

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can i please talk to someone on here please guys, i'm barley making it day to day and no one understands what this is like all my friends and family just don't get it they are like move on and keep busy, i can barely make it through a day with my own thoughts about her, i need to talk to someone who understands how it feels to be with a woman like this

fml

Fire away
 

stovepipe

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can i please talk to someone on here please guys, i'm barley making it day to day and no one understands what this is like all my friends and family just don't get it they are like move on and keep busy, i can barely make it through a day with my own thoughts about her, i need to talk to someone who understands how it feels to be with a woman like this

fml

This guy is one of the best in the country when it comes to BPD sloots. Watch as many as you can. It will help you understand what happened and in turn ease the pain just a little. You can pm me if you'd like.
 

Billtx49

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You sound like she ate you up and spit you out. Not an unfamiliar occurance on this forum from men having had a serious encounter with one of these women.
If you can't weather this storm by staying busy and allowing time to take its healing course, then seek out psych therapy of some type. Sounds to me like you may be suffering ptsd from severe emotional trauma.
The first step comes in realizing the type of woman you dealt with, and that she's not the normal woman you thought she was at first.
 
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wolf

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This guy is one of the best in the country when it comes to BPD sloots. Watch as many as you can. It will help you understand what happened and in turn ease the pain just a little. You can pm me if you'd like.
Can confirm. I bought his book The Human Magnet syndrome a few weeks after I walked away from bpd/npd ex and realised she was most like just thst after I googled everything she did.
 
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