rastapasta
Don Juan
- Joined
- Mar 4, 2013
- Messages
- 52
- Reaction score
- 2
I'm revisiting this thread today, and I'm glad it is here for my reference, letter and all the responses. I'm not sure what the f* is wrong with me but I'm still having a really hard time. My mind is still on this almost non stop and I can't understand why I'm not moving on? End of this week will be a month no contact with exception of when we passed on walks. The good thing is that I haven't bumped into them.
A bad thing is that I was wondering why I got no mail in over a month, and just now the USPS informed me that she put a vacation hold on my address, so they held all her mail and my mail! Wtf do I do about that? I almost want to break NC just for that!
My holidays kind of sucked, spent alone and even though my friends were back NYE I kind of feel isolated in their group of all married people who are popping out kids. I left the bar before midnight and just went home and finished getting drunk, did my usual tradition and went to bed. I did go skydiving and that was pretty cool but the excitement wore off after 2 days.
I read like 6 books over my break: (2) Tolle, (4) Krishnamurti. Thanks for these recommendations. The stuff in these books is so real and really resonates with me. I felt like they were helping me really see the destructive power of my ego, but it is like I can't reach a state where that ends. I understand when I'm aware it ends but I think my mind is so conditioned and f*ed up it just keeps going back. I notice this is strongest in the morning and evening.
I've decided I'm going monk mode for a month, just hoping I can handle all this alone and stick with it without breaking down as I have done a few times over the last few weeks:
~Quit Smoking: This disgusting addiction has to stop. It is at the point now where it actually makes me more tense. I've quit before using Allen Carr's EASYWAY. The method is really about ending FEAR and making quitting enjoyable and understanding it for what it is: a drug addiction.
I'm a f*ing grown man and I need to end FEAR. This is one reason I feel my mind is so messed up. I'm hoping to really internalize the stuff I have been reading. Krishnamurti seems to elude to the fact that you should be able to do this immediately from within but it is not happening for me. I think this will also help me with getting some plates. 34 years old and I've had one real relationship (this one), and it wasn't even REAL.
No drinking during monk mode. No smoking green either. Going to increase the intensity/time of my workouts. Keep reading. Not even going to worry about my other goals until it is over (learn to surf, scuba, etc).
I didn't end up getting a bonus for whatever reason. Going to talk to my boss on that one. I at least want communication, I'm going to approach it from the stance of "Hey, what can I do right now to make me better positioned to earn a bonus this year" rather than "Why didn't I get one when you even gave one to the cleaning lady and totally socially awkward guy who turns down every assignment"
Eat better. I've had the worst eating habits for years, not even that I eat crap food but a lot of times I just don't eat. I was 300+ lbs for most of my adult life. When I was 29, after some other chick rejected me and my friend died I went down to 183. I kind of let myself go over the last few years with fluctuating weight.
Meditate every day. I'm hoping this improves once my head is clear of any and all substances.
Thanks as always dudes!
RP
A bad thing is that I was wondering why I got no mail in over a month, and just now the USPS informed me that she put a vacation hold on my address, so they held all her mail and my mail! Wtf do I do about that? I almost want to break NC just for that!
My holidays kind of sucked, spent alone and even though my friends were back NYE I kind of feel isolated in their group of all married people who are popping out kids. I left the bar before midnight and just went home and finished getting drunk, did my usual tradition and went to bed. I did go skydiving and that was pretty cool but the excitement wore off after 2 days.
I read like 6 books over my break: (2) Tolle, (4) Krishnamurti. Thanks for these recommendations. The stuff in these books is so real and really resonates with me. I felt like they were helping me really see the destructive power of my ego, but it is like I can't reach a state where that ends. I understand when I'm aware it ends but I think my mind is so conditioned and f*ed up it just keeps going back. I notice this is strongest in the morning and evening.
I've decided I'm going monk mode for a month, just hoping I can handle all this alone and stick with it without breaking down as I have done a few times over the last few weeks:
~Quit Smoking: This disgusting addiction has to stop. It is at the point now where it actually makes me more tense. I've quit before using Allen Carr's EASYWAY. The method is really about ending FEAR and making quitting enjoyable and understanding it for what it is: a drug addiction.
I'm a f*ing grown man and I need to end FEAR. This is one reason I feel my mind is so messed up. I'm hoping to really internalize the stuff I have been reading. Krishnamurti seems to elude to the fact that you should be able to do this immediately from within but it is not happening for me. I think this will also help me with getting some plates. 34 years old and I've had one real relationship (this one), and it wasn't even REAL.
No drinking during monk mode. No smoking green either. Going to increase the intensity/time of my workouts. Keep reading. Not even going to worry about my other goals until it is over (learn to surf, scuba, etc).
I didn't end up getting a bonus for whatever reason. Going to talk to my boss on that one. I at least want communication, I'm going to approach it from the stance of "Hey, what can I do right now to make me better positioned to earn a bonus this year" rather than "Why didn't I get one when you even gave one to the cleaning lady and totally socially awkward guy who turns down every assignment"
Eat better. I've had the worst eating habits for years, not even that I eat crap food but a lot of times I just don't eat. I was 300+ lbs for most of my adult life. When I was 29, after some other chick rejected me and my friend died I went down to 183. I kind of let myself go over the last few years with fluctuating weight.
Meditate every day. I'm hoping this improves once my head is clear of any and all substances.
Thanks as always dudes!
RP
