Best ways to overcome loneliness, when you're alone?

[rastapasta]

Sorry if this is just a rant but long story short, had this HB8+ staying in my apartment for 7 months. Banged her almost every night, she is probably the hottest girl I ever had relations with (i'm 34). In the end she stayed at this dudes house so I kicked her out. Definitely a lot of beta & AFC behaviors when she was here and even after she left. Like texting her a very short apology and getting NR. After she left I realized how bad the oneitis is. It is REALLY BAD, I've been mad messed up because of it for probably about 6 weeks. On my mind 24/7. Breaking NC a few times was only a setback. The other really sh!tty part is that the guy she was with lives in my neighborhood. Apparently after I kicked her out she went right in with him and is still there. He has a pet walking business and so now I've seen or run into them a few times while walking my dog. Actually the last 3 days in a row!

This always feel like it is putting me back to square one but also is bringing about my awakening. Make no mistake I know it is over and I know what I have to do (work on myself, learn to be OK with being alone again).

To try and make myself feel better, after I ran into her I wrote a letter that I have no intention of sending. I read it the next day and was like this is some total raw emotion bullsh!t garbage, so I wrote another letter. When I finished, I almost considered sending it but then read some threads on here and was like wtf is the point? So I can get closure? So I can make any chance of her coming back go from 1: 1 Million to 1: Billion? Or just to feed my own ego? I read that letter the next day and again I was like this letter is awful, it is coming from desperation and loneliness. So today I wrote another one. This one is more a reflection of my awakening, and I want to send it but again I'm like wtf is the point?

Part of me wants to say f*ck it and self destruct by just sending this last one I wrote out, it is not as desperate as the last two and I figure what do I have to lose besides the very tiny amount of self respect I have left anyway? **** the b!tch might even relate to it. But again what is the point? So I feel better, and then probably worse?

I wasted so much time and effort doing this. It is kind of helpful but also not in that it certainly isn't distracting me from my oneitis. To be honest I kind of feel like I need to talk to someone or at least go hang out with friends as a distraction. The problem is that all my friends go home for the holidays now and I usually spend this time mostly alone every year. I'm half thinking of just going to see a shrink (never done before). I can tell that most of my anguish is coming from places of desperation and loneliness so what do I do, besides spin plates and make concerted effort to avoid them in public? I have been working out but it is not cutting the stress as much as I want it to. Next, I am going to start writing all my goals for next year and try to do some research planning on them. I seriously want to just bang my f-ing head into the wall.:crazy:

 

[sylvester the cat]

Read. After I split with my fiancee I holed myself up in my flat and read solidly. Nearly four years later I am still reading solidly and amazed and just how uneducated i was before. I am a much better person for it. Didn't have time to be lonely.

 

[rastapasta]

Read. After I split with my fiancee I holed myself up in my flat and read solidly. Nearly four years later I am still reading solidly and amazed and just how uneducated i was before. I am a much better person for it. Didn't have time to be lonely.

Well I will have some free time with the holidays, do you have any good suggestions for someone in my situation?

Thanks in advance
RP

 

[sylvester the cat]

Well I will have some free time with the holidays, do you have any good suggestions for someone in my situation?

Thanks in advance
RP

Depends on what your interests are. Mine was Truth/philosophy. I started with the Bible, then went from there. I couldn't believe how much more sense the world started to make the more knowledge I imbibed.

knowledge truly is power.

 

[jurry]

Id recommend the power of now by eckhart tolle.

Dont waste your money on a shrink, you've got the situation pretty well understood, more mental analysis will only make it worse.

You were bangin a sexy babe for months, that aint too bad brother. Learn from the mistakes and continue forward. Do not send any kind of letter, just move on.

 

[Dgwizdal]

A - Don't send the letter. You'll me putting your balls in the mailbox with it.

B - Go bowling, Go play pool, Go to the casino, go to the strip club, and simply strike up conversations with randoms. Get out of your apartment. Hell go rent a room at a hotel that has a hot tub, pour a glass of whiskey, light a cigar, put on some Sinatra and enjoy yourself.

You already know you dun goofed with this broad - no need for me to elaborate here and info you need has already been repeated 10 fold.

Get back to you, get some clarity, set some goals and form a daily process to achieve them. Smash wrote a great piece yesterday on it - you'll find it in the thread list.

Stick with the gym.

You'll be just fine.


EDIT: Out of posts. Catman - maybe make a thread on solid books to read? I'd be interested...

 

[phil2015]

Here's my humble two cents worth......

I was in a similar situation after I split with my children's mother, just really didn't know what to do with myserlf and felt very lost. Literally like banging my head against a wall, same as yourself.

You need to find something to invest your new abundance of free time in. If you're wise about what you focus on it can pay off in ways youy cant imagine. For me I began reading as much information about I could about trades, crafts and general practices. 3 years on, using what I have learnt, I have tiled my kitchen/bathroom, decorated my house to a show home level, I know how fix a car engine, fix my boiler, grown a productive garden, set up a successful tropical aquarium. All of these things I knew Jack squatt about 3 years ago.

As was said in a previous post, knowledge is power. Use your time to gain as much as possible, and by studying/reading as much as you can you will forget about this girl before you know it.

Take this attitude: Women come and go like the weather, but the learning you gain will stay with you forever. Good luck

NB - another hobby I took up was Astronomy, when I had insomnia for a year. Sounds boring, but trust me, being able to point out, identify and name a few star constellations to a girl has got me more pvssy than I ever had before. Try this, you'll thank me

 

[rastapasta]

Thanks for the suggestions guys..power of now will be here tomorrow and I know I gotta occupy my time in different ways, get out and do some new sh!t. Astronomy actually sounds pretty cool to me except that I live really close to the city so you can only see half the sky. I feel like I keep trying to justify my restlessness by telling myself that I need to make some kind of real human connection with someone. The desperation plays into that because I want to make that connection with her. As such, I'm posting what I wrote today - the extra sad part is that I am apologizing to a person who in reality doesn't give a f-ck about me, who probably used me for 7 months for free rent and food before finding some new better d!ck. Yes I was an ******* at times, using game, etc despite that she was this basically homeless girl with some issues ... here is me in all my AFC glory (if you choose to read):

Dear XX:
After a lot of struggling and deep soul searching since you left, I’ve realized that I had reverted to a person who I don’t like very much. It sucks to say it, but I was fake. You see, I’ve had traumatic experiences in my life as well. Many of them are actually very similar to your own, but I’ve never really shared them with anyone. I thought I recognized this several years ago and tried to make a positive change but apparently I must have given up somewhere along the way. A lot of that probably has to do with new horrible things that come about every so often. So many of my actions, reactions and emotions during the time we spent together came from places of fear, anger, disappointment and loneliness. I swept these horrible things under the rug because I believed that I had to be your hero, and that showing this side of me would drive you away. In the end I had only done a disservice to both you and myself, as I only ended up at the same result but with more pain than was necessary. When you came into my life, I thought that if I behaved a certain way and made my best attempt at loving you that eventually you would love me back. That was a futile exercise because it would be impossible for someone to love me when I didn’t love myself.

I think you had an innate sense of this all along.

It is now my main focus to be the person that I really am and want to become. Changing your life is hard work. In the process of working on our dreams, we are going to incur a lot of disappointment, a lot of failure, a lot of pain. There are moments when we are going to doubt ourselves and say, “God, why is this happening to me?” But greatness exists in all of us. Someone else’s opinion of you doesn’t have to be your reality. We don’t have to go through life being a victim. And even though we face disappointments we have to know within ourselves, that I can do this, even if no one else sees it for me, I can do it for myself. That no matter how bad it gets, if you never give up you can do it.

The apology I texted you the other week was sincere. But I really meant to tell you that I am sorry for not having been the real me, who is actually a decent and caring person. That is all history now though, today is a new day and it can be different. It is not my intention to burden you in any way with all of this, I know you have a lot going on in your life. I just needed to get it off my chest and apologize for the real thing. Hey, no one is perfect and we all make mistakes. I really do love you and care about you, and I hope that if you ever need anything you wouldn’t hesitate to ask. I’ll always be there as a friend. It is easy to hate and difficult to love. That is how the whole scheme of things works. All good things are difficult to achieve; and bad things are very easy to get.

Thanks for hearing me out and have a Merry Christmas.
Love always,

 

[Mike32ct]

If you are lonely or just need to talk, pick up the phone.

There must be at least one person that you can call and enjoy talking to. It could be a friend or family member.

I know most people are busy, but even a half-hour chat can make you feel better.

 

[BraddH]

http://oshotimes.blog.osho.com/2012/02/loneliness/

 

[Trump]

Dear XX:
After a lot of struggling and deep soul searching since you left, I’ve realized that I had reverted to a person who I don’t like very much. It sucks to say it, but I was fake. You see, I’ve had traumatic experiences in my life as well. Many of them are actually very similar to your own, but I’ve never really shared them with anyone. I thought I recognized this several years ago and tried to make a positive change but apparently I must have given up somewhere along the way. A lot of that probably has to do with new horrible things that come about every so often. So many of my actions, reactions and emotions during the time we spent together came from places of fear, anger, disappointment and loneliness. I swept these horrible things under the rug because I believed that I had to be your hero, and that showing this side of me would drive you away. In the end I had only done a disservice to both you and myself, as I only ended up at the same result but with more pain than was necessary. When you came into my life, I thought that if I behaved a certain way and made my best attempt at loving you that eventually you would love me back. That was a futile exercise because it would be impossible for someone to love me when I didn’t love myself.

I think you had an innate sense of this all along.

It is now my main focus to be the person that I really am and want to become. Changing your life is hard work. In the process of working on our dreams, we are going to incur a lot of disappointment, a lot of failure, a lot of pain. There are moments when we are going to doubt ourselves and say, “God, why is this happening to me?” But greatness exists in all of us. Someone else’s opinion of you doesn’t have to be your reality. We don’t have to go through life being a victim. And even though we face disappointments we have to know within ourselves, that I can do this, even if no one else sees it for me, I can do it for myself. That no matter how bad it gets, if you never give up you can do it.

The apology I texted you the other week was sincere. But I really meant to tell you that I am sorry for not having been the real me, who is actually a decent and caring person. That is all history now though, today is a new day and it can be different. It is not my intention to burden you in any way with all of this, I know you have a lot going on in your life. I just needed to get it off my chest and apologize for the real thing. Hey, no one is perfect and we all make mistakes. I really do love you and care about you, and I hope that if you ever need anything you wouldn’t hesitate to ask. I’ll always be there as a friend. It is easy to hate and difficult to love. That is how the whole scheme of things works. All good things are difficult to achieve; and bad things are very easy to get.

Thanks for hearing me out and have a Merry Christmas.
Love always,

Yeah bro don't send this. She will be reading it while her boyfriend is banging her head into his headboard because she can't get enough.

Hate to say it but at 34, you got be more mature than this. If you were 24 I could understand but in your 30s you got to know what people are like, what they do to benefit themselves, dog eat dog world. If you had enough strength to kick her out and give up sex with a hot girl, you definitely got enough strength to move on.

 

[Firestar786]

Online gaming

 

[foreverAFC]

try a martial art like muay thai or jiu jitsu

 

[rastapasta]

Yeah bro don't send this. She will be reading it while her boyfriend is banging her head into his headboard because she can't get enough.

Hate to say it but at 34, you got be more mature than this. If you were 24 I could understand but in your 30s you got to know what people are like, what they do to benefit themselves, dog eat dog world. If you had enough strength to kick her out and give up sex with a hot girl, you definitely got enough strength to move on.

Yeah I feel you, I definitely act immature especially in regards to my feelings with women. I really need to man the f up and remember what people are like. The problem I had before was that I was angry because I had higher expectations of others even though I know how the world works. I really need to lower those expectations and be just be OK with it, and just avoid those types of situations were people are being ****ty. To be honest this was my first kind of longer term type thing with a hot female and I lost focus on things that were really important so that I fulfill some needs that don't really exist. In other words I drifted into some kind of fantasy instead of seeing things for how they really are.

 

[TheGambino]

GYM

best addiction, and educate yourself

 

[JohnyTheArrow]

1) the best way would be to travel somewhere - anywhere, just travel
2) music releases dopamine try to listen to some dramatic soundtracks
3) online gaming like shooting people to relieve stress and agression
4) go out to people and try to learn something new ... dancing ? cooking course ? yoga ? whatever just something you never tried before
5) go shopping go gym go bowling go shoting - you need adrenaline and dopamine

 

[skinnyguy]

Do you have any guy friends?

If not that's probably your solution.

 

[Moroder]

Lots of good advice here. 2 more cents:
1. Try to accept that you are feeling messed up and sh1tty and that this likely won't pass as soon as you'd like. Admitting this sh1ttyness may seem a small step, but it'll release you from feeling guilty or annoyed about your feelings.
2. Rewrite your letter as often as you want to. Nothing wrong there. By naming and writing down what happens, you'll get a much better understanding of your situation. But NEVER, EVER send such letters.
3. Being/feeling fvcked up about this whole thing is completely legit, so are feelings of loneliness, considering shrinks etc. The pond that is you has been stirred up, and your ex is muckraking, too. Try to let things happen (with the exception of mailed letters and dog/fistfights maybe), and TIME WILL HEAL YOU. I swear it will.

 

[RangerMIke]

Spend some time with your guy friends. Go out get sh!tfaced drunk... go to a football game. Work out... work out... work out. When you start feeling bad, just drop down and do as many push-ups as you can. Do physical stuff outside. When you get home you should be too tired to do anything else but sleep.... But if you can't, read any biography on Teddy Roosevelt or Robert Mitchum: Baby I don't Care, by Lee Server. These are two ALL men should emulate. Both men had dibilitating insecurities and they overcame these by being MEN.

 

[BondAFC]

Buy a guitar (pawn shop cheap) and set a goal to play 10 songs next year.
YouTube is brilliant for learning...

The common thread to all the above suggestions.. Always be working on yourself. You are the ultimate "fixer-upper" project...
Become a better man...That is the key.. That is empowering..That is attractive..